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Cecilia's Blog

Hit again

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Those of you who read my blog won't be surprised that it happened again. Yesterday my eldest ss hit me in the face. My family were in the car on our way back from a little weekend trip when my husbands ex texted him and had the nerve to ask for 60 dollars. That woman makes more money than we do and she does nothing to help support her children. I said"She makes more money than we do and only has herself to support." It was a simple statement and was said in a nonjudgmental tone. My ss got angry and reached around from the back seat and punched me in the face.

Homeschool

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Last school year my SS was having some health issues that caused him to miss a lot of school. We pulled him out of school, set up a homeschool so he wouldn't fall behind. He is perfectly healthy now and ready to go back to public school. My husband informed me last night that he wants to continue homeschooled this year. Its not him that has to do this, its me. Homeschool did not go well last year, the kids used as an excuse play video games and sleep until 2 or 3pm. Suddenly my husband thinks this pattern will change, once again I have all of the responsibility and none of the authority.

Another broken door

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My husband and I took my stepson to a university hospital for an eeg. It was a 6 hour round trip. We are trying to figure out why he is so violent we now know that its nothing neurological. He was ok the whole trip until we got home. The front door was locked and I didn't find my keys fast enough. He kicked in the door and then he exploded again and went into the bathroom and kicked an punched the door. He broke it down, ripped it off the hinges. We are trying to get him into counselling and working on getting him a damn good psychologist.

Fear

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Fear is a horrible thing. This is the only place I feel comfortable enough to put my fears into words. My home is a tense place, always waiting for the next time my SS will explode. My SD is going to have a baby any day and along with the excitement I am also afraid. What will happen if my SS explodes and hurts the baby? I can't even bring myself to mention the possibility to my husband.

Violence in my home

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My oldest stepson has a violent temper and we never know what is going to set him off. Last Friday was one of those times. The violence is escalating. It used to be bruises, welts, and my husband has had bruised ribs in the past. This time my husband has torn ligaments and a broken thumb. I hurt my back when I was thrown to the floor. He also put me in a choke hold, I thought he was going to kill me.

I went to the baby shower...not great

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The baby shower was not what I had hoped for.In true form my SD's mother had to be the center of attention. She pretty much abandoned these kids years ago but she takes every opportunity to "play mommy" for the crowd. She nearly got into a fight with her own sister, criticized my fathers gift because he bought "top of the line" bottles, diapers and baby wipes. She also waited until I was within earshot to comment that she was the only grandmother there. I have a long fuse and it takes a lot to make me lose my temper.

How do you keep betrayal out of your eyes?

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My step daughters baby shower is tommorow. I still intend to go after all I am helping to throw it. How do I pretend nothing happened? How do I face my husbands family and his ex-wife with the knowledge that my world is falling apart? I internalize my feelings but those who know me well will see pain in my eyes.

How did this happen?

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Last night my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I spent the past ten years raising his children struggling through financial hardships and now that the kids are almost grown and he's making good money, he wants me gone. He used me as a maid, cook, babysitter, bedmate I lost my youth my sense of self my freedom and now I am losing the family that I thought was mine.