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The latest in my disengagement

4ever's picture

I'm working from home today, my husband is at the office, my stepdaughter is here (she's 12). I get a text from my husband "will you walk her to the pool"? (his daughter)

I was puzzled since we can see the community pool from our kitchen window. She has been walking there meeting friends and other families our neighbors, for years. We've never walked her there unless she was swimming by herself, then of course we come. So I texted my husband "she's meeting XXX there, is everything okay? why do I need to walk her"? He didn't respond and my stepdaughter was getting ancy. I could have just done it but I figured something must have happened so I called him and here's our conversation pretty much word for word.

me, hey so what's up? she's always walked by herself.

him, I know but itd help me out of you just did it.

me, why? did something happen? anything I should no about?

him, her mom asked me to.

me, silence. then I say "do you think it's necessary? have you changed your mind after all these years?

him, no I think its fine but I told her mom I would.

me, okay here's the thing. she told you to do it not me and you said you'd do it not that I'd do it. since you don't think its necessary for your daughters safety but you told your ex you'd do what she demands of you its up to you to do it. not me.

him, are you suggesting I come home just to walk her 25 yards to the pool? that's ridiculous

me, yes or you have another option, tell your ex to stop intruding on your parenting time.

him, silence

me, you can participate in this with your ex if you want but I'm not doing it anymore. please respect my boundaries and don't pass her "orders" on to me again.

him, okay then. but atleast I was honest I could've just lied to you and told you it was my idea not hers.

me, yes you could choose to lie to your WIFE to do the bidding of your EX. why would you do that when you say you want your ex out of your life?

him, got it. I have to go..

We said bye and hung up. I was shaking! I didn't walk her to the pool. She asked why she couldn't go by herself as always and I told her to ask her dad.

he and I texted after that about what to do for dinner and things seemed normal so I hope we'll just go forward from here. I have to set my boundaries even if he won't. especially if he won't!

Comments

notasm3's picture

Your DH actually thought that it was OK to ask you to kiss BM's butt? That man deserves a nut kick with an extra pointy shoe.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Nice work. Dh, you must have forgotten, bm's puppet strings are attached to you not to me. I am a free agent, an adult in control of my own life. Love it if you'd join me sometime!

Cadence's picture

Oh my gosh. I don't think I would have had the presence of mind to handle that like you did in the moment.

I'm picturing you being calm, cool, and collected about it and, as a result, your DH just not knowing which end is up. Much easier to blame you for any conflict if you're emotional about it, after all.

IslandGal's picture

woo HOOOO!! You GO GIRL!! That was a flamin' AWESOME response from you!!!!

Way to set your boundaries and not back down. Bet you wish you could've reached through your phone and jammed his message back up his ass! He is a total moron for even THINKING that you'd be taking orders for his controlling, manipulative ex-wife! Thank GOD you have bigger balls than him!

WTF...REALLY's picture

I have always said you TEACH people how to treat you. It's great that you taught him not to push you around just because he is scared of his ex wife.

hereiam's picture

I could've just lied to you and told you it was my idea not hers.

And now you know that there is a possibility that he could lie to you in the future about why he needs a favor.

4ever's picture

thanks everybody for the atta boys! it's such a small thing, would I walk my stepdaughter to the pool? But it was a big thing because it was a chance for me to tell my husband where my boundaries are.

We didn't talk about it last night but he did tell me this morning that he understands where I'm coming from. He said it's just so exhuasting dealing with his ex and its easier to say yes to her and make her go away. I said (for like the 4th time) that maybe he should talk to our counselor about that. I told him that I don't judge him for how he handles his ex but I won't live like that. He has to decide if he wants to change the way he deals with his ex or not. Thats up to him. In the meantime I have to create boundaries that feel right to me. He said he understands.

he did ask me what I would say if he asked for my help with his daughter. I said if the request is coming from HIM and I can help, I will always try. I asked him if he had anything in mind. He said no he was just wondering. I told him that he mentioned yesterday lying to me and that I will know if hes lying. The stuff his ex asks him to do is ridiculous. If he asks me to do it because she told him to do i will know and i will refuse. I cannot live with someone else directing my life like that. He said fair enough.