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Update to my call to CPS

3bk1sd's picture

About a month ago I called CPS to report BM. SD11 is left home alone for extended periods of time. She also has some serious mental issues as well as physical that aren't being dealt with.

A week ago BM called DH and aked him if "social services" had called him. He said no and asked why would they. (He knows I called them but she does not). She said they met with her and it was routine, that they meet with all young girls parents to see how they're adjusting in school and socially. OK, I can't believe she believed this but I guess that is the story they gave her.
Today they called DH at work and asked if they could meet with us about an on-going investigation concerning SD. He has to call her back tomorrow as he wanted to check both our schedules but we will be meeting with her soon. On one hand I've very glad things are being dealt with although I can just imagine the lies that SD and BM have told the woman about me. Wish me luck with this, DH and I have agreed that no matter what SD cannot move here full-time. She needs to get help first and then we'd consider it.

Comments

Colorado Girl's picture

So if Sd gets removed from BM's home due to your phone call, where does she go since she can't live with you full time?

Foster care?

starfish's picture

WOW! you maybe should have rethought the CPS call..... CG is right on!

mil told dh she was going to call cps on bm (the one whose ass she kisses to no end) b/c bm doesn't keep her trailer clean enough and skids don't want to invite friends over (that is the friends neither have outside of the area they live in)... for the first time without direction from me dh asked his mother "if she lost her fucking mind?"

3bk1sd's picture

She stays with BMs parents quite often when her BM is "entertaining" men. She needs extensive counselling and is violent and angery most of the time. We don't want her around the younger kids until she has gotten help. This sounds sort of "mean" maybe but DH doesn't seem to care about her and I can't make him. I think it's because she's so much like BM who was an unfortunate fling that he dumped before she even knew she was pregnant. I'm sure I'll get some nasty responses but I love and care for my 3 children, I'm a great mommy (they would tell you that themselves) I am also a loving and wonderful wife (DH would tell you that). There's not much I can do about a hateful child that's not mine and who I only see 4-6 days per month.

starfish's picture

oh, well then she can be put in her bm's parents care..... i wasn't sending hate your way, just saying you'll probably get stuck with her, but now that she has grandparents to stay with, good for all of you, but the poor gp's..

Pantera's picture

Yeah, you probably should have rethought the CPS call. She will probably end up with you guys. If not, they might make her a child of the state. Could you guys put her in therapy since her BM won't? This child needs help.

Stick's picture

3bk1SD.... You obviously care enough about your SD to make the call.. right? That's why you made the call ?

Do you think that your husband has any responsibility toward this child? And what do you believe that is?

I am wondering if you were more open to SD being in your home, if DH would reconsider.

I'm not bashing you... And I do think that if BM is as neglectful as you say - and she seems to have CPS worried - I just think that you owe it to this child to HELP HER... and not by just calling in a cps report.

ShootingStars is right. Foster care can be wonderful or horrendous. I know of a great foster care mom. I know one woman who was in foster care that seems to have gotten her life really on a great path. But I also met a guy who was very hurt. I met him when he was in his 30's and he was STILL a damaged soul. I don't know if he will ever be ok. Sad

CaliStepMomma's picture

If you were really worried about SD, you should have called CPS "for" SD not on "BM." But, since you've already gone and called CPS, you should probably start looking for resources to help SD with her mental issues, because you may well be dealing with them yourself.

Stick's picture

NIcely written Shooting Stars... You are sticking up for the child WITHOUT really personally bashing the poster. You are just asking the right questions. Great post!

3bk1sd's picture

I'm far from offended "shootingstars" I agree that DH's just as guilty as BM. He's neglectful because he claims he "can't do anything because he's not named on the birth certificate". I tell him all the time that if it was my child I would damn well do something wether I was legally allowed to or not. I would not just stand by and watch. There really is nothing "I" can do though. That is why the call to CPS. I was hoping there would be some mandatory therapy for BM and SD also maybe a few doctors visits. I want to help her, I just don't know how at this point. Our appointment is on monday at 2:00pm. I'll update after that.

Shell97's picture

I agree with everything you said shootingstars. And I would like to add a little to it. The way that this little girl is acting, is a call...no more like a cry for help. Because of the neglect & emotional abuse she has been put through. The only reason why I know this, is because my SD16 was acting the same way for about 3 years. Up until last year when DH & I got custody of her because she disclosed to me that her SF was molesting her and has been for years. Now another way our situations differ is...BM was taking SD to counseling and doctors to find out why she was acting out. But SF threatened to kill SD if she told. So all the doctors & therapists would do for SD was put her on medication, which made things even worse. So SD waited until last summer, when she came to visit DH & I, and was 1100 miles away from SF to tell. When SD disclosed this to me, I immediately told DH that we had to everything in our power to get SD out of that house. We went to court, got custody, and then started SD in the proper therapy. I am happy to say it has been a year, SD is no longer on meds, and has improved tremendously.

Your stepdaughter is crying out for help and you & DH are ignoring that cry. Yes, you may think you did the right thing by calling CPS. But if you & DH are not willing to step up and help that little girl and give her the love & care she so desperately needs....you should not have called CPS. Because now this little girls life is going to become even worse.

I'm also sorry if I offended anyone, but this is a very touchy subject for me. Especially having to deal with something so similar. My heart & prayers go out to your stepdaughter and I hope someone soon steps up and gets her the help she needs.

Stick's picture

Shell97 - My heart and prayers also go out to you, your DH and your SD. She is so lucky to have you both in her life. What was BM's reaction to the revelation that SF was molesting SD?

God Bless you guys!! Smile

Shell97's picture

Thank you, Stick!

At first BMs reaction was that she wouldn't leave SF until he was convicted and that BM only believed SD 20%. But because the DA's office pressed charges(168counts) against SF, he had to leave BMs house because SS13 & BD5(BM & SFs daughter) was in the house with BM. BM also lost one of her "meal tickets". BM & SF were foster parents, CPS immediately removed their foster kids. After SD told us about the abuse, CPS questioned the foster girls and we found out that SF was grooming one of them because of SD15 not being there. I still don't think BM totally believes SD yet, because BM thinks that she has to know the details of the abuse to believe SD. But SD15 refuses to tell BM the details. Besides the authorities & SDs therapist, I am the only one who knows the details. I wish I didn't tho. But BM did eventually divorce SF, but hasn't used very good judgment. Because about 3 weeks after her divorce was final, BM moved herself, SD13, and her BD5 into a house with her current bf that she has only known & been dating for 2 months. BM expected us to let her leave SD15 home alone with this guy while BM was at work & the girls were in school. DH told BM that if this happened, we would be up there and taking SD. Well, SD called us on her first night there and was telling DH that BM was giving SD the choice of either staying at the house with BMs bf or going to SDs grandparents(GP) while BM was at work. DH made SD put BM on the phone and he told her again....if you leave SD there alone with your bf, I will be on my way there & taking SD. BM agreed and she has been taking SD to GP house during the day. Hopefully one day BM will totally believe SD about the abuse. Until then, DH & I will be the support SD needs during this whole thing. Our court hearing is sometime in August, if SF doesn't take the plea bargain offer.

Colorado Girl's picture

I'm so glad that you shared this story.

Children who are traumatized and afraid will act out in all sorts of different ways.

It's amazing the power of acceptance and unconditional love... when a little girl who knows that even after she's been dealt a crappy hand so far, that she still deserves to be loved.

I was chewed up and spit back out as a child. A single time period in my young life and a certain innocence lost caused me to implement all kinds of coping skills including some behavioral misguidance as an adolescenct, teenager, and even into my adulthood. My self esteem and self worth have suffered as a constant.

I'm 32 years old and have only just begun learning to love myself.

As far as the little girl in the OP.

I don't believe in "bad" children. Behavior doesn't dictate that... it is only a reaction to environments. I guarantee you that she already has had the idea that she is "bad" engrained in her. She's merely reacting to such a notion.

Anger is our own pain and hurt turned inside out... and almost always a product of fear. I think you have a little girl who feels abandoned and afraid. Treat the fear, not the anger.

asimh44's picture

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3bk1sd's picture

Steve, I'll update after I meet with them on Monday. DH doesn't want to be involved at all he told me to call them if I thought it might help. He's only putting in his time because he has too, this is definately a case where SD should have been given to parents that would love and support her rather than kept so that BM would get more welfare. What a mess it is. It makes me want to cry to think of how nobody wants her, I generally love kids (I have 3) and I would like to be able to get along with her, maybe with some counselling. I'm sure that she sees how much I love and cherish my kids, she used to tell me when she was younger (6/7) that she wished I was her mom. As much attention as she got from me it's not the same as getting it from her mom. That was before her mom turned her against us with her PAS. Stay tuned, I'm sure there is much to follow...