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Advice wanted!

3bk1sd's picture

Most people on here know that my DH has a daughter from a previous relationship. BM creates lots of drama and SD has begun acting just like her. You can read my previous posts for more info on that. I'll get to the point.
BM wants to go to Texas for vacation (her sister lives there). She asked DH yesterday for $400 which is half SD's plane ticket. He told her ok.
I have some major problems with this:
-we are struggling to pay our bills right now, they get paid but there is no extra.
-the other 3 children will not be getting $400 to go on vacation.
-I think my DH and I should go on vacation for a weekend at least and $400 would be helpful.
-when we take SD on our vacation BM does not help us financially.
-she has done nothing but cause drama since we were married, why should we help other than pay child support on time?
My DH saw the light, I think, and says he'll now tell her that we won't be giving her the $400. This is going to be all put on me, BM & SD will take their misplaced anger out on me yet again. He says he's "scared" of the mom, that is why he agreed in the first place.
What am I supposed to do with him? We've had this discussion many, many times and it seems like he somehow manages to screw me over every time he has a run in with her.
Dawn

Comments

CrystalRE's picture

I love that advice, Just. I tell my husband all the time that if he would kiss my a** half as much as he does hers we would be a lot better off!

soverysad's picture

Well, first, lets focus on the positive, which is that he won't be giving her the money. The fact that he agreed in the first place is absurd to say the least. I've come to this conclusion - let them be angry. DH needs to change, no doubt about it. Here is what I would say to him "look, clearly you're afraid to take the brunt of saying no and you want that blame to be placed on me. That is fine EXCEPT if they treat ME badly, there will be consequences to EVERYONE involved including you." I am not sure how often you have sd or how much responsibility you take for her, but I'd stop. I'd let him suffer the pain of her anger by putting the responsibility back on him AND if SD was disrespectful to me in MY home, her ass would be spending plenty of time alone in her room with nothing to do. She can BE angry all she wants, but she can not act like a jerk to you.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

Coldandloved's picture

Try to think of it this way. It's YOUR money with DH. DH doesn't get to spend $400 of YOUR money without consulting you. Remind him if he's scared or unsure next time, he always has an option to think it over. BMs LOVE that trick, put DH on the spot and force him into a rash decision. Remind him that from here on out "I need to think that over" is his best friend and tool for making it to a discussion with you before you have to glare a burning hole into his soul.

Rain's picture

WOW! Why are some of these men like this? It is sickening and pathetic. My own DH used to be this way. He is much better now, but it took a while.

The only advice I have for you is to separate all finances and pay all bills on an income ratio scale. EX, if he makes 20,000 a year and you make 40,000, and then you will pay a larger share of the bills. But you both keep your OWN money that is left over.

Or, tell him that both of you will sign a contract that you can NOT spend over $50.00 unless it is discussed with the other person first. Or something like that.

Maybe I am greedy, but I get really bent out of shape about money. Especially, MY money. lol

3bk1sd's picture

youngwife2 yes I do have an exh and no my DH would probably not want to give him money for vacation, lol.

Thanks for your comments, I thought maybe I was being mean but once again I see that I'm the reasonable one and DH needs to grow a pair.