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Not disengaged from BM...

1dad5kids's picture

I had planned to disengage from BM when I disengaged from SS13, but DH and I have joint accounts, we operate a business together... We only have "ours" money. 

Backstory for non-1dad followers. BM turned our pretrial agreement into a CO after the numbers had already been adjusted (as per the CO schedule) but kept the original amounts on there. She then took the CO to Maintenance Enforcement and now they are collecting for Extraordinary Expenses that SS13 is no longer enrolled in (or DH took over paying). DH took the consent order back to court to get it varied and the judge dismissed it. 

MEO took DH to court for the arrears (extraordinary expenses he wasn't paying because BM didn't need to be reimbursed for and wasn't giving DH receipts for) and threatened jail time; so DH paid up. This was just a few weeks ago. Then he had court with MEO at the beginning of the month to discuss the payment and yesterday they finally sent him a statement of account showing he's all paid up. DH forwarded that to BM and said okay now reimburse me for the extraordinary expenses you don't have receipts for. She basically told him to go f*ck himself. So he sent another message with his proof of payments for SS13's swim club and requested she send him her share. This time she told him to fuck off. I'm frustrated because that's our money. A few thousand dollars worth of payments she is illegally keeping. 

I read all the messages because DH offered it to me and it's my money too. Anyway we managed to talk it out. We already spent over $10,000 trying to vary the CO so we're not taking her back to court, yet. But we have 3 years to file a small claim in the provincial court, if she doesn't take him back to court to try and get more child support she thinks he owes (he doesn't, he's overpaying still) in the meantime. It's cheaper for us to keep paying the extraordinary expenses to MEO then to try to vary the order again. DH has agreed to request the money back from her every month, or receipts. And keep sending her the proof of payments he has for the swim club. If she continues to refuse to pay each month then we have it on record that he's requested it. 

Along the way it came up that SS13 wasn't registered for the swim meet this weekend. BM was pissed because she apparently volunteered for it. DH sent her the screenshot of him asking if she could take him back in January, because she tried to deny that he ever asked her. She was so mad, told him to check his account to prove he wasn't registered. 

But the thing is that BM hasn't taken SS13 to swimming in months. His attendance is at 23% and it needs to be at 75% to stay in his league. He's going to get kicked out. DH asked her if she would be comfortable showing up given the fact that she hasn't taken him in so long. That was just a jab, and she knew it. She played the poor single mom working more than full time because no one supports her. She doesn't even have a job anymore, she drove her work into the ground and spent all their funding so now it's closing its doors. She's such a liar. She goes out drinking every night and she's on her third live in boyfriend since she split with The StepDad. She doesn't use SS13 for babysitting so she can work, she uses him so she can go out and let her cat out. 

So yeah, I'm not disengaged from BM. I know I should but HOW??? 


shamds's picture

Accts if possible. Because as long as it remains joint, biomum can go to court because the joint bank acct is co-mingled money and therefore its your husbands money. Doesn't matter if 50-70% of it is your income, its hubbys too and biomum wants every cent she can scam her way into.

is your business set up a partnership or company srt up? If money from business needs to come into a joint acct for business related expenses, can acct name be changed to business name, therefore salary is paid into individual accts

CastleJJ's picture

I agree with this. Separate out the accounts. If you and DH run a business together, maybe he needs to be "paid" a salary that goes into his accounts. I don't know the logistics or the legality of that though. I do know that you will continue to resent BM and resent being her cash cow if you don't separate out those finances. 

Honestly, I would file contempt depending on what your order says. Your DH has paid up in full and now BM isn't paying her share and SS isn't even attending. Forcing DH to pay for these made up commitments is a joke. It's a waste of money and a way for BM to abuse DH. 

thinkthrice's picture

We have been able to do this legally (yet cleverly, I think)

1dad5kids's picture

We have a business account but because it's a partnership it doesn't matter. All the profit is income. It's too expensive tax wise to incorporate right now. 


thinkthrice's picture

To do this but I'd rather not say out in a public forum.  Nothing illegal but don't want me or others to be cock blocked by HCGUBMs.   I can private message you but you'd have to unblock receiving messages.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Many have messages set to "Only those who have an established relationship with me". IOW, send/accept a friend request. Or message me and I can "forward".

thinkthrice's picture


1st3rd5thWEInHell's picture

My advice to you from a financial standpoint:

-Have your husband sign over the entire business to you (100% ownership to you would be best but you can also go the partnership route where you are the main shareholder/partner). This will ensure that his debt/financial obligations would not impact your business income significantly. You can also look into LLCs and SCORPs for tax and debt purposes.

- You can have him as a W2 Employee of the business and they can garnish his income but wont be able to go after the business profits.

-Separate everything (accounts, 401ks, estate planning, life insurance policies) and make sure that you have an ironclad will for both of you but know that most of his stuff may eventually go to the children and the spouse if he owes any debt to them (the estate will be garnished with fees and interest)

-Always file separate for individual personal  taxes at the state and federal level unless you want to contribute your portion of the refund to any child support or alimony debt. Also if you file joint, when the time to evaluate his income for.child support comes, they may take your joint return as his entire income to establish how much he should pay

-Divide assets while you are still alive and have a trusted relative or someone paid to have POA in case you lose your marbles with dementia and the steps come out of the woodwork tryinh to "care" for you


Life isnt easy when you deal with ppl who had children and marriages previously. It is a shortsighted deal financially that I would not recommend to anyone who has not had children/been married before

shamds's picture

Gold digging exwife who if exhusband was out of a job would have no shame demanding his new wife pay his cs payments. 

my husbands exwife had eldest sd contact him in mid 2018 so-called to reconnect after the pas, minutes after 1st message, eldest sd who was 22.5 had the nerve to demand hubby continue paying her cs and gift a house to her mum, a home hubby bought with a home loan after divorce was finalised (meaning its his). 

sd wouldn't let go and continually reminded hubby that instead of transferring it to exwife, he needed to put it in skids names despite 2 being adults and us having 2 minor kids.

i told my husband i would not remain in any marriage with him until he protected us financially now, to circumvent this dodgy crap sd's and exwife were pulling

exwife wanted half of everything in divorce. Hubby fought this in court stating he was sole income earner the 16 yrs they were married, exwife was abusive and negligent with kids, maxed out credit cards every month and did nothing to support his career or home life. She was a freeloader. 

court agreed and only allowed her to get a lump sum payment which was half of profits from marital home they sold. 

hubby bought a home in my country and withdrew a large chunk of his retirement savings (majority earned after divorce where his salary increased 7 fold) and all his bonuses went into it. Home was put in my name to circumvent in the event of his death, exwife and skids trying to lay claim to it.

basically if hubby died tomorrow, there should be a home for me and our kids that sd's and exwife couldn't try to steal or forge documents to claim were theirs. Eldest sd and her mum are fuming no doubt that in 16 yrs of marriage with 3 kids, exwife and sd's still couldn't get hubby to transfer assets to them but it only took 4yrs being married to me, 5.5 yrs together for my husband to trust and love me enough and our kids to buy a home in my name.

unfortunately, worst case scenario is what you need to prepare for and for your partner/spouse to see that

CLove's picture

Looks like youve gotten some good advice.

Ill just say Im so sorry you are going through all that.

I was sort of lucky in that Husband was smart enough to NOT buy the house he was renting with Toxic Troll BM, and also kept the classic galaxy that he had lovingly restored out of his name. He basically had nothing when they divorced, and that was by design. Now we have the house, separated finances, and some boats and a bunch of cars.

I recently atttended a memorial/celebration of life for a woman that Husband and I both knew.

She was the one who had helped him file and complete his divorce. She did it reluctantly. So when folks asked how I knew this woman, this is what I told them. The reluctant divorcer.

It had gotten a bit ugly and this lovely person told us that she never wanted to be in the same room again with Toxic Troll. LOL.

I sincerely hope that all this wasteful and wrongful money being given to your BM, I hope that gets corrected quickly. I think Id go insane if I was in your position!