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This will never end. Ever.

1dad4kids's picture

DH had a session booked for SS10 next week. The counselor asked if BM & DH could have it instead. BM hums and haws and so counselor send them an email today asking if they are keeping it or if SS10 will come or if it needs to be canceled. 

DH emails the counselor (BM copied) saying BM won't commit until the counselor receives the letter from the lawyers, but that he can go or take SS10, whatever the counselor thinks is in his best interest. 

BM then emails the counselor saying she will book SS10 in a session in a few weeks so he's not missing so much school (but then books it for a time where he has to miss the whole day-and on DH's weekday) and that she will do a session with DH but that she has midterms next week. 

So the midterms must've just been discovered since the counselor has been waiting for her to say something for weeks. DH was like 12 hours away from having to pay for the damn session. Whatta bitch. 

Anyway BM books SS10 in for a session the following week which she says is also the week she wants to do a session with DH. And coincidentally the week the baby is due and SS10's birthday.

The counselor finally gets the letter from the lawyers at 5pm and is still on the same page as far as transitioning SS10. She is requiring DH and BM agree on terms because SS10 still feels like the decision is up to him. I am sure the counselor knows the reason he feels this is because of BM, and I know the counselor can see that BM is the only one stopping the joint session. DH has literally said, I will do whatever you think is in the best interest of SS10. 

DH's lawyer calls me about 2 minutes after the email (DH was still at work) and he hadn't seen it yet. I tell him about it and he says it's a good thing that the counselor is trying to keep things going, but not that BM won't commit. He said that if BM starts blatantly avoiding the joint session then he can get the counselor to write up a plan and that's what they'll take to the pretrial- which is scheduled now for the end of November. 

DH's lawyer said the information I've given him for my wage is good, but that we have to also prove DH can't be earning more than he is. The good news is that DH's lawyer has won 2 cases recently for his clients who took lesser paying jobs to have more time or a more dependable schedule with their kids. So since the only place DH could work is in the next city over with a long commute and a 9-5 type job (more realistically a 7-7) it would effectively reverse any progress that has been made. DH's lawyer has stalled BM's lawyer so DH can gather some more evidence that he's earning an appropriate wage. But what a waste of time. 

SS10 is here too, and normally I love his weekday visits but I find myself annoyed with him. I'm sure I'm just feeling my frustrations for his Mom. I haven't said much (but I did say a jab about how we don't rotate his bday) but I'm still feeling irritated nonetheless. 

DH's lawyer and I had a nice chuckle over how the pretrial is unlikely to result in BM agreeing to anything, and that her lawyer would probably quit again and then she'd have another lawyer for the trial. 

Truthfully, I see no end here. DH is so optimistic it's adorable. He keeps saying BM is "gonna have to see, she's gonna have to agree" but he doesn't realize how much she isn't willing to be wrong. How she's gone this long convincing the world and herself that DH doesn't care about SS10. I'm not ready to crush his hopes, it's not worth it. We had a rough recovery after the last pretrial, I'm going to let this one ride out. 




tog redux's picture

I'm sorry. This is exactly what I feared would happen. BM doesn't just want to win, she feels that her very life, and SS's, is at stake, and anything she does to sway the court her way is justified.  Including manipulating her kid to go along with her. 

I too started getting resentful of SS. In my case, he was part of the problem, but also just that his very existence caused so much stress. And As it went on, SS started to see himself as a prize being fought over, which led to a lot of entitlement. 

I don't know how your system works - what is pre-trial vs. trial? I would just assume that BM is going to fight and obfuscate the whole way, and it will be up to the judge to decide. Your DH is doing a good job staying level-headed and showing he's not the problem. That's very good, my DH reacted to BM's crap and made himself look bad. 

Hang in there. Focus on your kids and put this on the back burner as much as you can. 

1dad4kids's picture

We have to do a pretrial and the judge grants a trial from there. Our lawyer was hoping for a trial after the last pretrial but the judge wouldn't grant it. He's a real asshole. 

SS10 gets major anxiety over his parent arguing. We try our best not to let him know when it's going on. I even told him I thought BM was a "nice lady" last week (somehow without puking). But he is well aware his Mom doesn't like me. 

It used to be awful. If she was around he wouldn't even look at me. He'd never hug me or talk to me if she could see. But the last year or so has been much better, he'll run up to me when we're at events with both parents and shout he loves me at the top of his lungs when he's leaving. My poor DH still only gets love from behind closed doors. 

tog redux's picture

I'm sure you guys are doing your best to keep him out of it, but I'm also sure BM isn't.

BM here actually liked me, it was weird.  I got the feeling she was kind of jealous of the attention DH and SS got from me and wanted to be besties.  I just gray rocked her until that delusion passed. She only set out to turn SS against DH, not me. 

Family Court sucks the life out of you. But see this through until you have a ruling, then accept that ruling and let it go. That's all you can do.  The evaluator and the therapist is on the side of 50/50, so that's really good.

1dad4kids's picture

BM used to like me, or used to pretend to. I'm not sure which it is. But I have a feeling she no longer talks about me in the same way she used to, and that's made SS10 more comfortable. Maybe. Lol. 

I just hope the trial comea quickly!

justmakingthebest's picture

It is all so exhausting. All these dad's are doing is trying to be in their kids lives. EVERY study ever has show that kids do better socially, in school, as adults- with 2 active parents in their lives. Why the hell some BM's feel the need to create all this drama, to keep kids away, to alienate, to distance is just beyond me. 

It has been 5 years for me helping my DH. He has been doing it for 7. SS is 16. We are tired. It never stops, it never gets better. I understand why some dad's walk away. 

I think that probably 75% of the dads that are labled deadbeats are really just beatdown. 

I feel for you. You have a long hard road ahead of you. 

tog redux's picture

Seriously, it really shouldn't be this hard for one of two legal parents to have a significant part in their child's life.  It should be automatically granted in the absence of verifiable, proven abuse that was documented by third parties.

But then attorneys wouldn't get fabulously wealthy.  Yes, I'm cynical.

1dad4kids's picture

It's so tiring. We're through 6 years of this. SS10 wasn't even in school when we started this. 

DH is still optimistic. The counselor emailed late last night asking if DH and BM could come to the session that BM booked for SS10 instead of him. I'm not sure if BM responded but I think DH was going to say yes this morning. 


justmakingthebest's picture

We were optimistic until SS turned 14. That is when she got it in his head that "he could make his choices" and didn't "have" to see his father. 

This is also the woman who decorates his bedroom with balloons and posters after he spends time with us (long distance parenting plan) with things like: CONGRATULATIONS you survived spring break with dumbass! 

When you do nothing but talk down about a kids father and lie and scheme and make up disabilities and diseases it sure does make it easy for a kid to think he hates his dad and to feel like he has to be there to protect his mom. 

1dad4kids's picture

Wow. She is such a bitch. Our BM would never do that, well not while we're in court anyway. DH keeps saying once there is a CO in place all bets are off and he's not gonna be nice anymore but that's really not in his nature lol. He's just a tough talker. 

tog redux's picture

You started court action then? I didn't realize that.  Yes, it's exhausting and it sucks the life out of you. 

1dad4kids's picture

Well they have another pretrial for the end of November and if they can't resolve everything then the judge promised a trial

1dad4kids's picture

I didn't see the email that the counselor sent last night until just a few min ago. It looks like she is really adamant that DH & BM come together and so she suggested taking SS10's next appointment. I think it's so BM can't find an excuse not to be there. She's a very smart lady. 

DH just emailed back and said "that day works for me, see you then!" Ha ha. I'm wondering how BM is going to get out of this one...