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Vent about BM

1dad4kids's picture

If you've read my blogs we had a c&a assessment done for SS10 with the intention to see if shared parenting was in his best interest. Well the assessment came back saying that it was and with counseling the interviewer recommended we move to a week on week off schedule. 

So onto what the assessor wrote BM said during her Interviews. 

Apparently we run our house "military style". She seemingly bragged that she doesn't have any discipline and SS10 learns by discussing what went wrong. Like f*CK he does. 

I don't know what military style is, but yeah SS10 has chores and a schedule that he uses to complete them before lunch so we can utilize the bulk of the day for family time. Seriously his schedule is make bed, brush teeth, eat, shower and do chores which vary by day but always include cleaning some aspect of his space and reading. He's usually done everything by 9am. 

She also claimed that SS10 doesn't get to socialize when he's with us. What the fuck does that mean? We stick him in his room and no one talks to him? How the fuck would she even know what happens during his time here. 

The assessor didn't explicitly say that BM coached SS10 prior to his interview, but the wording she used suggested it. Even DH's lawyer picked up on that. SS10 was so traumatized prior to his interview at BM's that he literally refused to do it. He did end up completing one at a different time. 

Wegot a rushed email from the assessor telling us how to prepare SS10 for the interview which we found odd because the assessor had previously stated we shouldn't say anything to SS10 beforehand. Once we got the assessment back it was clear. As it was we didn't talk to SS10 about his interview until about 30 minutes prior to it starting. The assessor wrote that SS10 seemed the most comfortable with his interview at our place. 

BM also claimed that she offers DH extra time and that she never refuses DH's requests for more access. These are both lies. She hasn't offered more time since before SS10 was in school and BM used to want to go partying. Even her references said she offered DH more time, which is another sign of coaching. We didn't talk to our references about what they were going to say beforehand, that would be dishonest in our opinion and we wanted the assessor to get a good insight. The assessor wrote about how BM's references used the same exact words and phrases to describe BM and her parenting style. 

The whole interview from BM had the same pattern. "SS10 has told me he doesn't want to spend more time at his Dad's" "I am well read and creative" "I teach emotional education" "I offer more time but DH never takes it".

She also claims I am the reason she can't co-parent. She thinks DH is letting me text for him, when truthfully DH has started using the BIFF method in his responses and she can't handle that he no longer engages in her constant baits for fights. 

Uhg, I'm just so irritated with how she thought portraying us that way would really improve her chances. And how she coached not just SS10 but her references and her husband as well! 

So even though the assessor agreed with DH and recommended exactly what DH wants, everytime they reference the stupid assessment in the pretrial or possible trial DH is going to have to defend us against her lies and bullshit. 

Vent done for now, but as we all know it's really neverending



Winterglow's picture

What she said can be taken several ways and not all of them positive.

She seems to have talked an awful lot about what happens in your home as opposed to what happens in hers. Sounds like speculation (at best) - not good for her. She should have concentrated on what was good at her place rather than trying to harpoon her ex.

She has no rules ... in other words, she just admitted that she lets the kid do what he likes and then does damage control rather than actually teaching him things to prepare him for life.

She offers your DH more time but he never takes it, then says she never refuses when he asks - well, which is it lady? Get your story straight. 

The simple fact that she said your DH asks for more time is a sign that he truly wants more time.

Not smart on her behalf to try and pin all of her problems on you. Makes her look pathetic because she can't communicate. (If necessary, make sure you have examples on hand of how communication is done, just in case.)

In the end, it's a good thing you got this document so that you know what you're going to have to produce/be ready for in court. IT could be a blessing in disguise. Consider it a roadmap rather than an offence :) 

Fingers crossed for you!

1dad4kids's picture

I'm so glad you see it just as we did. Unfortunately those lies and rude comments towards DH & our family will still be brought up countless times if we go to trial, and DH will need to constantly defend our family from her crap. 

It's frustrating but we're hoping everyone will see through it as our assessor did. 

tog redux's picture

She sounds a lot like BM here. And what worked for her was to get my SS to say many of the same things. She also coached, bribed, etc,  and it worked.  

We were recommended to have 50/50 too - it ended up 100/0 via alienation. You guys are on a long, tough road. This is just the beginning. She's unlikely to just accept this and move on. 

1dad4kids's picture

We can't explicitly prove alienation yet, but it's definitely on the cusp. The assessor did mention the BM should let SS10 travel between the houses, as this was something he did once and never again and DH mentioned to the assessor that BM may have prevented future occurences. 

MissK03's picture

Well it sounds like you guys had an assessor who saw through her. Our GAL was great. He saw exactly what BM was trying to do. Our situation was different then yours but if BM doesn't agree and you guys have to go to a judge the judge will (hopefully) award the 50/50 based on the assessors report. 

Did you get to read SS10s interview?  In our case the skids had an individual interview with GAL at his office. Then he came to each home. The skids interviews were in his report. I really wish I could see BMs face when she was reading the interview (skids interviews) because it wasn't good for her. 

Hopefully everything works out! 

1dad4kids's picture

Yes, we're so fortunate to have the assessor we had. She did list some of the questions and answers SS10 said but really only shared the relationship Interview word for word. In it, SS10 said only 1 word answers and refused to speak poorly of either parent. 

strugglingSM's picture

At their last mediation, BM tried to claim that DH was physically abusing SS. When DH explained the situation to the mediator (that he restrained SS in a bear hug to keep him from beating other SS), the mediator said, 'that just sounds like parenting". One of the primary issues she wanted to discuss at this mediation was reducing time with this one SS, but really, it was all about getting her more CS. She spent an entire year telling all who would listen that it was "traumatic" for SS to come to our house...of course it was traumatic for SS to have to listen to BM tell him how terrible DH was and make him feel that if he enjoyed anything with DH that he was betraying her. 

DH agreed to reduce his weekends with that one SS to Saturday morning to Sunday opposed to Friday evening to Sunday evening. That lasted about 2 months, at which point, BM got tired of driving over twice (once on Friday night to bring one SS and once on Saturday morning to bring the other SS). SS told DH it was "unfair" that BM had to drive twice, even though it was her demand that time be reduced. Shortly thereafter, BM told DH that SS was now fine going back to the original schedule. 

BM also says that she always accomodates DH's requests for more time (not true) and she would also likely say that she offers DH other time and he doesn't take it (she offers time when it suits her, not when it would suit DH). 

Basically, these mothers use their children as pawns to a) seek revenge on their ex-spouse; b) build the case that they are not only the best parent, but should be the only parent; c) convince the world that the other parent is scum (if their children don't even want to be around them, they must be terrible people!). 

The BM in my case likely has a personality disorder, although she hasn't been diagnosed. For PD folks, "feelings become facts" and because they are not obviously crazy, they can be very convincing to some people. Some children are able to resist their attempts to alienate and others are not. Children of those with personality disorders are also more at risk of developing those disorders themselves, so BM can be the gift that keeps on giving, by passing her dysfunction on to the next generation. 

1dad4kids's picture

"Feelings become facts". Wow. That basically pinpoints her personality. She definitely portrays Narcissist traits but of course has been undiagnosed. 

advice.only2's picture

It doesn't sound like BM painted a very good picture of herself, she comes off as desperate and controlling. If those of us on here can see it and the assessor can see it, here's hoping the judge doesn't have his head to tightly up the proverbial BM a$$ so that he can see it too.

1dad4kids's picture

I agree. Her entire interview came off in the negative. DH didn't say anything negative about BM except that he believed she may be prioritizing CS over SS10's time with him.