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Tiny blog post- infantilizing

1dad4kids's picture

DH picked SS10 up from school today and he wasn't wearing his glasses. He said he looked all over at school and couldn't find them. He's pretty sure he wore them to school today but isn't positive (ADHD memory). BM is at the school picking up.her.other kids. Calls SS10 over: "you didn't wear your glasses to school today? I'm so sorry!". 

You guys, she actually apologized to her 10 year old son for him not wearing his glasses. Can. You. Believe. That? DH said he just dropped his mouth open and stared at her in disbelief. Turns out his glasses aren't at her place either so who knows where they went. 

 

 

Comments

tog redux's picture

But contrast that with a normal parent, who might get stern with SS for losing his glasses (assuming he loses lots of things), and you see how a BM like her convinces the kid that she's the only parent that cares about him, and that dad is too mean.

 

1dad4kids's picture

Well you're not wrong lol. He lost his new glasses from our place just a week after getting them. I made him call the place he left them to ask if the were there. That was a painful phonecall to watch lol. 

I'm not sure how stern we were as we have more of a suffer your own consequences approach. Where BM will buy him new glasses, we've got him in his older glasses. So it will likely still play out that Dad's mean. 

tog redux's picture

I don't disagree with your approach, my DH was the same way. It's how you teach kids accountability. But have no doubt BM uses it to alienate. "See, your dad makes you find your old ones, but I know it's not your fault honey, so I'll get you new ones."  It works in the short term, kid thinks Mom is nice and Dad is mean. Fast forward and you have tog's SS20, who has zero life skills or sense of accountability for himself. 

tog redux's picture

I do have to say, BM here was not the "lay your clothes out and help you get dressed at 10" type - she was more often than not sleeping and ignoring SS in the morning. But she definitely softened the blow of any consequences for him, and never made him take ownership for his own behavior (unless it was making HER look bad, then she'd light into him - but that didn't teach him anything either, because it was so inconsistent).

Picardy III's picture

Anecdotal data point... my SKs were heavily manipulated by a similar coddling/lazy BM -- but her power over them dramatically diminished as they each hit age 14 or so. And they're relatively normal now.

So not to be naive, but there is reason for optimism.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

The lazy, inconsistent parenting model mixed with babying and coddling seems to be a surefire way to produce future inept adults, if not outright psychopaths (narrcisists/borderlines/histrionics, not necessarily murderers.)

1dad4kids's picture

She is kinda lazy I guess. On April fools SS10 tried to call her and she didn't call him back until after noon because she was sleeping. And her other kids were home too...

SeeYouNever's picture

That is like the opposite of "natural consequences," it's even less than no consequences! He gets an apology for being irresponsible! 

BM should be sorry for raising him like this.

1dad4kids's picture

Ha, wouldn't it be amazing if she could admit to being wrong ever? 

I'm sure she was apologizing because she puts his clothes out for him every day and feels like she forgot to include his glasses lololol. She's a terrible parent.

ITB2012's picture

Doing the coddling. This post reminds me of all the times the skids forgot something or a thing broke or they didn't do something and BM or DH would apologize to the kids for not handling it better for them. ?!

1dad4kids's picture

I don't understand that. I might apologize to my child, but never for my child. I can't imagine a situation in where I was the reason my kid broke something. Of course if it was a cheap toy and they were upset I would say something like "I'm sorry you broke your toy, next time you'll have to play more carefully"

IamBackUW's picture

You need to disengage. You're wayyyy too involved in this BS. It will blow up in your face, eventually. Sad

IamBackUW's picture

Then leave it up to the "capable father." If your H married you to be his WIFE and not the surrogate "mother" to his failed breeding mistake he won't mind!

tog redux's picture

Yes, it's clear where the nastiness is coming from. I wonder how you'd feel if you split up and your husband's next wife called your kids "failed breeding mistakes"?

IamBackUW's picture

Yawn. If my H makes the mistake of leaving me I will not meddle in his personal life. I won't know what his future wife or girlfriend thinks or says. I'm not a dumb borderline or bipolar w3nch.

I will not date or marry again. At least not while my children are minors.

1dad4kids's picture

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to leave up to DH here. He was there, this blog was me telling the story as told to me. 

And although SS10 may have been an accident, he's no mistake. I love him, DH loves him and we parent him and our other 2 (soon to be 3) equally. 

Not everything that worked for you works for everyone on this site. But I do appreciate your candor most of the time. 

tog redux's picture

I hate the nastiness about people's skids. If the OP hates their skids, then fine. But when people like you actually care about your skid then there is no place for that, IMO.

1dad4kids's picture

Thanks. I don't take it to heart, everyone on here is just trying to survive steplife

 

tog redux's picture

I was one who cared about my skid and I stopped posting for years when SS was alienated because it got really hard to listen to people hoping their stepkids would be alienated when it was such a horrible experience for DH.  There is no need to call anyone Failed Breeding Mistakes.  Even if the SP doesn't love the skids, their actual parents do.

IamBackUW's picture

No, it doesn't mean your H having the skid is the mistake. Having the skid with THAT WOMAN with her obviously flawed personality and flawed genes CLEARLY was a tactical error.

The skid is more than likely going to flounder and fail with a mother like that. My H is a responsible, involved, hardworking father who railed against Biohag's "parenting" with everything in him but it was all for naught.

I'm not joking. Stepdemon is an intellectually bankrupt, absolutely disgusting, morphing into a fat f*ck, non-launching, manipulative, lying scumbag.

I am shocked and appalled how much sway Biohag's genetics and influence have ruined Stepdemon. He is devolving before my very eyes. I am like a deer in headlights when I see him. I feel a sense of dismay and horror. My H has some blinders on, I can tell. He fails to notice Stepdemon's matted, greasy hair and malodorous stench.

My H will have to rip off the blinders, eventually. I'll be there to console him.

For a long time, Stepdemon was with us WAY more than Biohag. For a period of time the dumb b1tch dumped him on us and fled the state. She was being sued over her unsecured and frivolous bipolar debts.

Me and D busted our a$$es trying to fix Stepdemon while biohag was AWOL. Enforced discipline, made him go to school on time, every damned day. Made him do all his homework.

Made him clean his teeth. Everything.

The end result is the loser occupying my house. 

tog redux's picture

Then your husband is the fool who made a mistake. Why don't you heap your hostility on him? Why'd you even bother marrying him if he was idiotic enough to "breed" with a crazy woman? He's the problem here, not your skid. He created him.  Yet you give him a pass and paint him as a wonderful human being.

IamBackUW's picture

I made the mistake of "caring" and OP's skid is a lot like mine. I fear for OP's future StepHell. Anyway, congrats on your impending bundle of joy, 1Dad.

 

tog redux's picture

Eh, she chooses this level of hostility towards her skid. You won't ever be like that, OP.  No matter how things go, you will respect that your DH loves his son regardless.

1dad4kids's picture

Thanks. I can't imagine a future where I don't love SS10. I certainly don't think I could give him a negative nickname but he's been in my life since he was a baby. Maybe that's the difference with a lot of other steps here.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Speaking of infantilizing, one of my SO's kids gets spoon fed his dinner by his grandmother. He's 10. Just had to drop that in there. Like, "here comes the airplane!" the whole meal.

IamBackUW's picture

My son is younger. He has an independent streak already. If I tried "baby sh1t" with him like trying to spoon feed him, I'm certain he would FREAK OUT.

IamBackUW's picture

Wait. You have to sit and watch this grotesque spectacle?! Why don't you groan, "eewww...!" and run away screaming into the night?!

susanm's picture

Does she do it in public?  In restaurants and at holidays?  Is the child mentally or socially delayed to the point that he is OK with it and is not humiliated by the whole thing???

IamBackUW's picture

Wtf?!