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More BS from BM

1dad4kids's picture

I'm so mad, and generally hurting for my SS10. How can his Mom be such a POS mother and still act as though she cares about his best interest. 

Our custody & access assesment specifically says that SS10 should have 4 counseling sessions prior to a year round transition to a week on, week off parenting schedule. It says that counselor should be local AND have experience with the Family Systems Theory. DH's lawyer gave BM 1 week to research counselors and provide a list of 4-5 for DH to agree with. 

Today DH's lawyer forwarded BM's list. They are all counselors from the same practice in a different city. DH emailed the office to see if they had experience with that specific theory and what their availability was, and they DO NOT HAVE ANY COUNSELLORS IN THE OFFICE THAT HAVE EXPERIENCE WITH THAT THEORY! what a crock of shit. She didn't ask to most basic fucking question. The one fucking qualification that the counselor was to have, she didn't make sure they had it. Not even mentioning the fact that all the counselor's were an hour's drive from where both families live and it would mean DH has to take 3 hours off work instead of 1. 

She is such a terrible fucking human being. 


ladybug3's picture

Why does BM get to pick the counselor? Why can't DH provide her with a list to choose from?

1dad4kids's picture

So she doesn't get to pick, but they both have to agree. BM asked for time to do "research" and DH's lawyer said she had a week. DH has a list and will provide it to her, but we were hoping to find a common counsellor amongst both lists since our city is so small. 

tog redux's picture

I was in your shoes 9-10 years ago, very (over) invested in the outcome of court, wanting to protect my SS10 (at the time), really angry at BM.

Once a custody battle began, SS used to come into our room crying at night and apologizing to DH. Turns out BM was pressuring him to lie to attorneys and he was doing it. Gradually, I'm sure to defend himself, he stopped feeling bad about it and started believing all the lies BM told him.

The custody battle went on for years, until my SS was completely alienated, at age 15. We went through multiple therapists - the first one was totally on BM's side, testified for her in court and then they hugged afterward. The second one saw through BM, she was promptly fired. The 3rd one tried to work with both BM and DH, and eventually kicked DH out because SS apparently didn't want him there.

I am a child therapist by trade, and every one of these therapists did harm (except the fired one) because they didn't understand parental alienation. Family System Therapy is my stock and trade, but really, it won't work with an angry, alienating parent like BM.

Eventually, I had to step back and stop caring so much. I came very close to leaving DH before SS PAS'd out entirely and DH's attorney convinced him to stop with the court action - it wasn't going to work and it was going to hurt SS. (Oh and by the way, our original Law Guardian recommended 50/50, too).

I say this all to tell you - this is a long and ugly road. I know you care about your SS, but you really should step back and detach - and not get so emotionally involved. I know how very hard that is to do.  But you are at the beginning of a very long road that may not end well at all.

My SS, now 20, was alienated for over 3 years. Yep, he's back, but he's damaged from all that BM put him through, and just from having a mother like her, and neither DH or I want much to do with him. DH loves him, but he doesn't like him much, and he rarely sees him.

1dad4kids's picture

Thank you. Your advice is probably great, but I cannot detach. My SS10 is used to me parenting him, I have being doing so since he was 11 months old, and I have 2 other children. My 4yo is very much used to me parenting everyone the same and I can't see how it would be healthy for either of them if I start passing off all parenting duties to Dad for my SS but handling them for my DD. 

Our lawyer has decided that her lack of care to the most important qualification to the assessors recommendation plus her other delays is enough to file for an interim order. He plans to get the assessors recommendations put in so that she can no longer defer the process. And he's already put in for a pretrial. 

Fingers crossed our process goes smoother than yours did. 

tog redux's picture

I don't mean detach as in disengage and not speak to the kid - I mean detach emotionally from the outcome of this court case, and from thinking you can save SS from his mother.  It's great that your lawyer did that - but remember, BM has an attorney too, and he/she is going to argue BM's side and make it sound really good. 

So at the very least, prepare for a lot of ups and downs and don't let yourself get so upset about how BM behaves. BM will act like BM, expect it. Expect her to do everything to derail this, and to make sure your DH doesn't get 50/50. And expect it from now until SS turns 18.

advice.only2's picture

Typical GUBM play, she did this intentionally. Now DH will say no to any of those counselors and it will be either "Oh well your honor I tried and DH said NO!" or it will be back on her to find four more counselors, and she will do the same thing again. Get ready this is going to take a long time.

1dad4kids's picture

DH's lawyer has decided this latest tactic and her previous delays is enough to file for an interim order.

Harry's picture

Is one of BM problem. You. Only have SS you said 23% of the time.  You may love SS. But he only has two parents. BM and your SO not you, 

1dad4kids's picture

Well that's not correct. He may only have 2 biological parents, but to suggest because I didn't birth him that he doesn't consider me a Mom is offensive. 

BM's issue is narcissism. She had told the world this story that DH was an absentee father, and if he has him half time time then that makes her a public liar. 

DH has never been an absentee father, aside from the 5 months she kept SS10 a secret from DH after he was born. She has nearly successfully kept DH from SA10's public life but since the latest parenting agreement she's been unable to do so. I am not the issue, although she certainly does hate me. 

tog redux's picture

BM here applied to private school behind DH's back, and told them in the application (we saw it later), that DH had abandoned them. At the time, they had 50/50 custody. The school bought her victim story, tried to block DH, and no amount of him telling the "truth" made them see him as anything other than the abuser BM claimed he was.

BMs like this don't give up until they win. A court decree won't stop her.

And honestly - you're not his Mom. He may like you a lot and see you as a loving stepmom, but he doesn't see you as equal to his Mom, I can promise that. The mother/child bond is strong, as I'm sure you know from your own bio kids.