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Counselor choices-BM keeps changing story

1dad4kids's picture

BM & DH are looking for a counselor for SS10. The counselor must have experience with a specific theory. The purpose of the counselor was to prep SS10 for changes to the parenting arrangement- going to week on week off year round. 

So first BM comes back with a list of counselors all from the same practice in a different city who don't have experience with the theory.

So DH sends BM an email without discussing with his lawyer first and says he found a local counselor and has set up an appointment for he and BM to go and see if they are the right fit for SS10. 

Well BM comes back saying DH shouldn't have scheduled an appointment and that the purpose of the counselor sessions is for SS10's mental health, not to help him with the transition to the new parenting schedule. She also says that her SD14 and BS8 both go to that counselor already. DH is now officially confused and asks her why, if it's already a counselor she trusts, can't SS10 use them too? She also says SS10 should use a counselor in the next city because they are psychologists with doctorate level degrees and that's who she trusts for SS10. 

BM doesn't respond but DH's lawyer (who was BCC'd in all the correspondence) does. 

Lawyer says he contacted BM's lawyer and said cooperation now or we're going to pretrial. So BM's lawyer comes back saying BM said she doesn't want to use that counselor because she's worried about the counselor being prejudice towards SS10 because of their work with the other children. She also said she's worried her children wouldn't feel comfortable talking to the counselor if they thought the counselor would tell the other child what they said about them. 

So... How does that make sense? Why wasn't she worried about all that before she put her BS8 in it, but now she's worried about SS10? 

So she also rejects DH's alternative counselor because they are only available by video chat and she thinks SS10 can't handle that. (because he has mild ADHD) but he'd been doing online courses just fine and sometimes the lessons would be an hour long on zoom. 

So she sends back another alternative counselor, this one local. She isn't sure that they practice the theory that is required, and not one of them is a psychologist. Although earlier she said that was the only kind of counselor she wanted SS10 to see. 

DH's lawyer has already begun drafting the interim application to get it court ordered to proceed with the local counselor DH chose. And said if BM doesn't come around by the end of the weekend then it's pretrial time too. 

I know we can't get into the heads of our BM's. But any one can figure out that constantly back tracking on her position isn't going to look good in the pretrial. I just am not sure what she's trying to accomplish. 

Is anyone here both BM and SM? Maybe you can shed some light on this? 




ICanMakeIt's picture

sense and it won't make sense because we aren't crazy and can't think like crazy people do. 

Harry's picture

BM does not want to lose control,  she want to control the counselor.  She does not want to used a counselor who will not see it her way.  Think lawers should get a court recommendation for a counselor, or like three different counselor to pick from. 

tog redux's picture

Right. She's already laying the groundwork that SS has "mental health problems" that she will blame on DH demanding more time with him. She needs to find someone she can manipulate. 

1dad4kids's picture

We live in a small City. There are in fact just 2 counselors in this City that specialize in the theory required and BM has taken both her kids there already and is worried about prejudice. 

DH's lawyer sent a final request this morning for BM to agree on a counselor and the interim application will be filed first thing tomorrow morning. The application will request the 2 local counselors as options. DH's lawyer contacted them personally to ensure that there would be no prejudice to SS10 and they said of course there wouldn't. 

We haven't heard yet whether BM agreed to a counselor but we're really doubting it. DH's lawyer also put in that he would be requesting his time on this be covered by BM as her intentional delay shouldn't be costing us money. That should be interesting to see her reaction considering she is still pissy about DH underpaying child support to offset his thousands of dollars worth of overpayments. 

This started.out as a general reply about counselors but it ended in a bit of a total update ha ha. 

I'm pregnant and tend to lose track of what I'm trying to say. 


The_Upgrade's picture

You and BM have different definitions for counselor. You're looking for someone to counsel and help. She's looking for someone with zero success rate so things stay the way they are. Partly it's about control issues, but it's more about controlling the outcome. 

1dad4kids's picture

True- she needs to control the outcome. When SS10 was in need of an initial ADHD assessment, she chose a psychologist who we learned after the fact has a strong stance against parents sharing access. At the time DH didn't have joint custody yet so had no say in who BM chose. This time DH has joint custody so she can't decide by herself thankfully. That psychological assessment is like 80% of the reason DH didn't walk away from the pretrial with 50/50 access. Luckily the Custody & Access assessment said they read the psychological assessment to read differently and that SS10 would benefit from a week on week off shared parenting arrangement. 

Although of course BM disagrees.