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Continuation of my last blog... DH is pissed

1dad4kids's picture

So I told DH about my convo with SS11 and he flipped. He's so angry at BM for alienating SS11 from his StepSister and making SS11 feel like he can't talk to his other stepsister about what's going on. 

He said he recently watched a newscast which claims when a child is made to believe their words could cause problems in the family and so they arent allowed to speak about those problems, it's a form of child abuse. 

He was ready to message BM in their parenting app that minute but I asked him not to as I know that would be the end of SS11's safe place to talk/vent. 

He agreed but he's still extremely upset and he went to bed fuming. He wants to do something but according to him his hands are tied. 

Advice? Thoughts? 




JRI's picture

I would discourage DH from contacting BM about this.  It would inevitably blow back on SS then he would not trust you with his confidences.  On here, we always say the other parent shouldn't be commenting on what goes on in our homes.  You dont know exactly what happened at BM's.  Your SS is only 11, he might not have got the story straight or in full. 

I'm trying to think of the best way you can encourage SS11 to feel free to express his feelings at your house.  But in any event, I'd discourage DH from stirring this pot.  Who knows, BM migjt be as irritated and exasperated as we all are.

1dad4kids's picture

He seems calmed down a bit about it today. He believes if we continue to offer SS11 a safe space to speak and act then he won't be as harmed as if he would be if BM knew SS11 confided in me. And we'll be 50/50 permanently in just 3 short months and SS11 is on the way to realizing BM's word isn't the gospel truth. 

JRI's picture

I'm glad he calmed down.  I think you're on the right path.

tog redux's picture

He'd better get used to it. BM will be doing that to him and his siblings for the rest of her life, that's how parents like this roll. I've told my story about how SS21 told us recently that after he and his mother got into another screaming match, BM played the victim to his half-sister, who then texted SS21 thirty-two times telling him what an awful son he was (he said he literally counted 32).  Well, he threw back in her face the time she let BM down, blah blah. 

This is how personality disordered people control their household. And honestly, DH has no business interfering in it, because he won't be able to sell it to anyone as child abuse.  Twisted family dynamics, yes, but none of his business, ultimately.

1dad4kids's picture

Which is what I said. I asked him how he would feel of BM messaged him about something SS11 said about our personal life. To which he said he'd be pissed but "understand depending on the circumstances". But actually she does this all the time and he's never understood lol. 

I hope SS11 takes my advice enough to not destroy his relationship with his older StepSister. But neither DH nor I were surprised BM drove her away. We were mostly surprised she lasted this long. 

We are wondering how the StepDad feels about all of this. I'm thinking he doesn't care and that BM is the whole reason the girls are even living there now, and StepDad would've been fine if they just kept going on how they've been going on. 

I guess we'll never know. 

tog redux's picture

I will say - my SS HATES his older half-sister. Loathes her. Some of it is her personality, but some of it is BM's pitting them against each other.  He has an older half-brother that he likes better, but he didn't grow up with BM (the father raised him), and he doesn't seem to get quite so involved in protecting poor BM.