Step Talk

about them being still married. I know they're divorcing, I know he'll never go back to her, but if she's wigging over you being there for dinner, who's to say she won't drag out the divorce and try to use you in a "he's a horrible person, abandoning his children for some floozy!" type drama to the court? If the divorce was final, I'd be all "stand up for your rights!" but hmmm, might be best to lay low for a while just to avoid The Crazy.

Of course, this is coming from someone who married her husband a grand total of 133 days after she met him, had only seen SD once for two hours at that point, thought her a horrible brat and STILL married him, and whose DH didn't tell BM he got married until three months after the fact. So I'm not too sure I'd be taking relationship advice from me.

~Trish

Dang. She needs to come to terms with the fact that it's OVER. How long have they been separated and not living together?

My ex and I separated and I started dating about five months later and didn't think a thing of it. The divorce dragged out for a couple of years, but I think if you're separated and not living together and the divorce is being worked out, why not date someone?

Even if you wait until the divorce is final, she'll probably still blame you...I've heard of that happening.

I do agree with the above poster about kind of "laying low" as to not inflame the crazy one. Unfortunately that may not be possible, though.

When my mother separated from her husband, her lawyer advised her to not date anyone during the separation, or at least to be discreet about it if she did. I guess technically the BM can make sure the kids are not to be in your presence if she wanted to make a big deal out of it.

I live in NY and my SS BM went to court and there is a 3hour clause that if my DH needs to be gone for more than 3 hours then the other parent needs to be contacted to provide daycare. I think he should take the first step and take her to court. He needs to document everything and becareful, she cant keep you away from the kids as long as you have no criminal record, but she can make your life HELL, she is their mom and she will never let you forget that. Be a good friend to the kids and do not try to be mom, and write everything down she does because you will need it come court time. She will take him to court with out a doubt, that is how is happened to us. BMs go crazy when they still want to be with "their man". GOOD LUCK, I have been in this relationship for 3 years and I got married in OCT. and I am happy but I HATE BM she has tried her best to ruin my life.

Fasten your seatbelts, the BM WILL make your life a living HELL!

Oh yeah and by the sound of it, you can expect full blown PAS by the BM

BF has been sitting and talking to her on the phone on and off since I posted this. They've been living apart for nearly a year and a half now....Legally Separated for the past 6 months. Here in our state, after a year, the LS becomes a DD, so we're waiting for that. Everything has been done and taken care of in the LS: money, debt, homes, cars, visitation, etc.

She professed that she still loved him and hoped that they would get back together, and that he would move there (2+ hours from here) and be with her and the kids (WTF!) She stated that the only reason he stays here is for me. Little does she know that we've talked about moving closer to kis kids, however, our jobs here pay us extremely well, well enough that she doesn't have to work.

Can I ask...what planet is she living on? Maybe its just me, but when someone repeatedly tells you that it is over, why do you think they're coming back?? Trust me when I say he's done nothing on his end, other than be civil to her, to make her believe that he's coming back.

She told him that she wants the kids to always have their father, and won't do anything to jeopardize that, because she really does always look out for their best interest. But, she keeps pleading for him not to have me around the kids. He keeps telling her that it isn't her choice. He is moving on, it's a part of life, and it happens. He's very kind to her, but upfront. I am very proud of him.

"Life is too short to keep looking back."

Parental alienation syndrome. It's where one parent does things/says things to damage the kids' relationship with the other parent. It's probably the number one reason most of us are here and/or have trouble with our step kids. In some states, though, if you document everything, after some time, custody can get flipped to try to rectify the damage. Although, that is often too late.

To every thing there is a season.

Thank you Ana. I don't think she is going to do that here, because she actually is pretty obsessive about the kids having the best of everything in their upbringing, including a relationship with their father. She has stated such many times as well, even today in light of what has happened. She has stated that children who do not grow up with both parents in their lives have major problems later in life, and she does not want that for her children.

Although, I bet there are many of you here had heard the same thing, so I know that nothing is written in stone. I just don't understand how a parent allows their hate for their ex-spouse to supercede their love for their child. I've seen it happen within my own family, and it is painful.

"Life is too short to keep looking back."

She's going to have to learn to move on. Unfortunately for you and your bf that may not happen anytime soon.

We 're in a similar situation...BM cheated on FH for atleast 6 months that we're aware of. She actually took the kids on vacation with him and that's how FH found out.

She filed for the divorce and was still with the guy. They separated in 2003 and filed for divorce in June of 2003. Once she found out about me (we met in April 2004) she went nuts. Basically the same thing as above. She did everything she could to ruin our relationship. She also drug out the divorce...divorce wasn't final until May of 2005. She was still with the "other man" the entire time while professing her love for FH. I wrecked her family and am the reason for everything bad in her life. She constantly forgets that she's the one who cheated, the one who filed the divorce and any other fact or truth about the situation.

The kids especially SD actually think that I'm the reason for the divorce due to all the lies that she's spewed. She married the other man but just a few weeks ago when found out that we're getting married sent an email asking if we really were and that multiple marriages don't work and that the only reason she married other man was because FH wouldn't forgive her and come back home. It's been almost 5 years that we've been together and it doesn't appear that the end is in sight with her. I just wish that I could figure out a way to sent that email to her new hubby without it affecting the kids.

I know that she's jealous of me. I have the life she wanted but screwed up. I believe that deep down she honestly thought she could get him back and that's why she tries to make me out as a horrible person. Now that I have the ring on my finger and am planning our wedding she realizes that it's over for her.

Okay, so last night, the final phone call of many of the day, she has threatened BF that she is calling her lawyer now, since her previous pleadings all day long has done her no good. She says that she does not want me around her kids. She does not want us making out in front of the kids (good grief). She does not want us using vulgar language around the kids (yeah that's what we'd do). She does not want us sleeping together around the kids (ummm.) I'm a teacher, so I am not sure what her excuse is going to be for me to not be around the kids. I am with children all day long....

She's also said that she is going to send his Aunt and Uncle (who've taken her side) over to his house randomly to check things out. Umm yeah...who does she think she is?? He told her if they'd like to come over and visit the kids, they can call first and it will be at his discretion. Unbelievable. This woman really is Satan.

"Life is too short to keep looking back."

what he does is his business and as long as hes not endangering the kids, she has no say. our BM pulled this too...even the homewrecker thing...which was funny bc they never had a "home" together. but i digress. get used to the insanity bc u will most likely go thru a TON. i know i did and i never did ANYTHING to SD but that didnt stop BM from trying everything in the book. she even told him that SD should come before everyone, including his SON. shes nuts. ur BF needs to stop indulging her and listening to her ridiculous bs, even if he is standing up to her, he doesnt need to give her the time of day UNLESS its about the kids.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

UGH I don't know, but it was driving me crazy. He just kept calling me and filling me in what happened each time she called. I was getting a little upset because I would be trying to talk to him and she'd beep in and he would switch over and talk to her. I know he wanted to just face it and deal with it right there, but come on.

I just stayed at my apartment all day because I honestly cannot deal with listening to the nonsense first hand. It just makes me angry. I have told him that discussing it further and further only makes matters worse, and that she isn't entitled to the time of day, especially when she starts saying bad things about us. I have told him that it isn't necessary for him to sit and talk to her about it, but he does anyway. He basically just sits and defends himself. I would have told her to shove it up her a$$ a lot earlier in the day. Actually, make that about a year and a half ago. It only got worse as the day went on.

I know the only reason he talks to her at all is because of the kids, but at some point when dealing with this nonsense, enough, right?

"Life is too short to keep looking back."

oh I wish I had some good advice but like crayon put it, it is going to be a bumpy ride and it will be even bumpier if BF isnt on the same page as you, all I can say is to COMMUNICATE!!
keep it open at all times.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

We, too, had a BM who went into hyperb**** when DH started seeing me. She already had a BF.
She immediately became the victim. She didn't want him--no sex for a year, no lie. Then
she's pissed cause he moved on? Give me a break.

http://www.thebritishsecondwivesclub.co.uk/articles/just_get_over_it.htm

Arianna - since she is going to call her lawyer, I would have your B/F call his lawyer as well. Have him explain her antics and find out what his options are - nothing like a pre-emptive strike!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

that is a conflict of interest. Try to have your BF get as many consultations as possible with local attorneys, b/c once he does, the BM CANNOT go to them for a consultation, thus driving her to an attorney out of the area.

PRE-EMPTIVE strike is worth it's weight in gold. BF should file first. If he is the LEAST bit hesitant and wants her to file first, NOW HEAR THIS!!! RED FLAG CITY!! RUN AS FAST AS YOUR TWO LEGS CAN CARRY YOU FROM THIS "RELATIONSHIP"

This is a major indicator that the BM and the skid(s) will ALWAYS come first and you will come up dead last!!

No, they don't have the same lawyer...she tried that when they first split up and he said hell no. He and I have the same lawyer, so I felt comfortable calling her and asking her to call me back so I could talk with her about what is happening.

What is my BF going to file for? Everything has already been established in the Separation Agreement, which, BTW BM took care of. He already went to court over visitation last year after they split, and it already been established and been working out well. The Agreement even says that if either party introduces a new person into their lives, they just cannot call him/her Mom or Dad.

So, where is she going to get with calling a lawyer?

"Life is too short to keep looking back."

probably wants to go into "remediation" to "tighten things up" and to generally cause trouble.

Watch your back. Wondering why so long between the separation and the divorce? In my case the BM dragged her feet for 18 months after she booted out BF. The second we decided to file first it was like "HOW DARE YOU!!" And then the volume on the PAS and everything really turned up.

BM thought she would go along for ever separated in the hope that BF would come crawling back on his knees with even more concessions. It has taken over FOUR YEARS for BF to see through BM's crappola. He didn't believe that BM could do this or that to him. After all they had been in love for about 5 seconds after the wedding rings went on. And of course, BM was the "mother of his children" Trademark.

I hope all goes well, but it sounds like she is about to stir up a hornet's nest of trouble. Hopefully your BF will stand up to her, but it's not sounding like it too much so far. Beware the "agreeing-with-you-while-you-are-on-the-subject" tactic, but then doing a 180 to "keep-from-making-waves-with-the-BM-and-to-keep-the-skids-from-all-the-turmoil" manuever

DH pulled that during last mediation and naturally had another excuse for it so as not to have to admit the truth. yeah, he hasnt pulled that since i ripped him a new one for it.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

BM took care of of the Separation Papers for two reasons, I believe:

1. Get her 1/2 errr wait no, 3/4 of the money in escrow from the sale of the house. Nevermind that she didn't work or make the mortgage payments on it.

2. She was thinking (I believe) that serving him with Separation Papers would scare him and make him come crawling back to her. She told him yesterday that she's still in love with him and was hoping he'd change his mind and come be with her. I told him all along that her actions depicted this, but he didn't believe me...until yesterday.

I think she tried really hard yesterday to just tell him how she loves him and wants to be with him, thinking he would take her back now that she finally said it to him. He said no, he was done and moving on. Then she tried to be sweet and understanding to get him to see what a bad person I was and how he's missing out on so much of the kids' lives because he's with me. It didn't work. He said, "Okay, more visitation then?" Heh. That went over like a fart in church.

Then, we get to the final stage, threats of calling a lawyer and taking the kids away from him. He said, "Okay, whatever you need to do".

Again, I will ask..when someone tells you that it is over and they're never going to be with you, and don't want to be with you, why the begging? He told her in court in front of everyone that he kept telling her and showing her that he didn't want to be with her anymore, and she still doesn't seem to get it. Have some dignity.

"Life is too short to keep looking back."

Has bf filed for divorce yet? My dh and I were both still married, but seperated from our exes when we started seeing each other. My divorce was about mid-process when we met and it took three years. His didn't take as long but he had not even filed when we started seeing each other and it took about six months after that for him to finally do something.

The whole process can be very draining. If she is acting like this now she may be the type to try to use the kids against him.

The good thing is that he seems to be supportive if you and that is worth its weight in gold.

I posted this a while back, but couldn't help thinking about it again in reading your posts!

Stage of Grief:
The Second Wife’s Burden:

Denial
If she is facing up to the reality of a split then his Ex Wife/Partner can refuse to deal with the implications of the new situation. As the Ex sees it there’s another rooster in the hen house, a new significant other in her partner’s life (note ‘partner’- not ‘former partner’ as she hasn’t drawn that boundary in her head yet. As far as she’s concerned she’s his first wife, possibly she is also the mother of his children and you are the interloper here.

As a second wife you may want to satisfy your curiosity about this other woman, at the very least you will want to talk to her about the care of the children. Guess what she doesn’t want to know you, if she can pretend you don’t exist then that’s fine by her, at worst she’ll hope you’ll be just a passing fancy but in the end he’ll see that she was the one true love of his life. Even if she doesn’t actually want to be with the reality of him she will still cling to the dream of the relationship and you are getting in the way. You are a threat to her status as the Wife, to her status as The Mother, both within the immediate and extended family (she doesn’t see it as two separate families yet). She’ll reach for the extended family on both sides to shore up her position – expect lots of family get-togethers at which you won’t be invited but your new partner and their children will be the star attraction.

She may try to prevent your interacting with the children at all. She will probably insist on maintaining a relationship with your partner in which you are actively excluded.

She may even try to act as if she and he are still in a relationship, many second wives are incensed by inappropriate behaviour from the ex wife ranging from the unforgivable enticing him into bed after he dropped off the children, to a knowing kiss on the cheek or a hand placed intimately on his arm when she’s stood next to you both, to emotionally intimate phone conversations and emails. Chances are if you are reading this on-line you and your partner a fairly internet literate – instant messaging can be one of the most intrusive programs going.

This is her way of saying quite clearly he’s still my partner and I‘ll be as intimate as I want because I’m in control here.

Anger
It’s all your fault. No really, everything is your fault. Even if she walked out on her husband they were getting along just fine until you came along. Now he’s standing up to her, refusing to mow her lawn on request or be an emotional crutch for her when her new partner isn’t available. It’s your fault. Their kids now have to adjust and that’s your fault too that they are hurting.

Suddenly he has other financial responsibilities which are going to detract from his ability to support her children, worse still you may have children of your own and (oh god it’s an earth shattering thought – what if you and he have children together, your child and hers would be related). She never thought she’d be in this situation, she didn’t choose you as a relation, she had no say in it at all, and how dare you impose yourself on her like this!

It’s at this point that a former partner uses Parental Alienation most destructively. Sanity has nothing to do with it, she’s angry, she’s lashing out, she is going to use the best weapon she has and you are both going to pay –suddenly the children hear that it’s your fault that she can’t afford to send them to private school or ballet classes, you are taking their father away from them and their father is letting it happen.

Soon he won’t care about them at all he’ll only care about you and your children, they might as well have nothing to do with either of you because you can’t possibly love those children at all, why should you they will never be yours.

Negotiation
She’s realised that she’s losing all those extra benefits a relationship brings – companionship, emotional and financial support, and it’s amazing just how many women think they can hang onto those while losing a husband. She is losing influence with her former husband and the more aggressive she is in trying to keep you at arms length the quicker he moves away from her to be with you.

She may try to be nice because she wants something – to find a way to be in control of the situation - and you’ll know it, as every move she makes feels so insincere she gives Cassius a run for his money as she smiles and plots murder while she smiles. She’ll try to stay as involved as she possibly can in every element of what happens in your home. Prepare yourself ladies. You can’t possibly be expected to know how to care for her children so she’ll send them over with a daily supply of freshly laundered clothes. Their friendships, school life, home life in both homes will all be subject to her control- after all they are her children and she has every right to judge if you are taking care of them in your home (and taking good care of her partner too – yes she still may not accept you and he are a couple, and that she and he are not).

Either she’ll try to keep you as the second wife out of it completely or else get ready for the food parcels, instruction notes and stream of complaints that you didn’t send little Johnny to school in a warm coat………. (Helloooo it’s a heat wave in August). You will be slapped down for stepping into her territory at every turn and her territory may not stop at the children. It will probably include the school, the extended family on all sides, her children’s friends, family friends, even her favourite brand of perfume or designer. Do not get caught wearing the same coat as her from her favourite high street store even if you have had it for ten years and so do 50,000 other women.

Don’t be at all surprised if she comes into your home uninvited and acts as if she has the right to do that even if it’s somewhere she never lived. In her head where the children go she goes. She is their mother and there are no possible boundaries to that.

You probably can’t be expected to get your new partner a birthday present so she’ll do that for you, and phone him at work when she knows you can’t possibly intervene to remind him to collect the children at a certain time, and while she’s on the line could she ask his advice as to how to fix her computer (so the kids can use it for school). She may ask you for a call to say you’ve got home safely with the children, and …..it won’t stop she’ll have communication diarrhoea. The phone will not stop (though she still won’t talk to you directly); emails will not cease, and expect your partner to be subjected to a litany every time he arrives on her doorstep.

Depression
You have probably blown a fuse by now or else have left the relationship in search of a single man with no children. She’ll be miserable, possibly clinically depressed, potentially using drugs or alcohol is ease her pain. If you are still around you will either be on medication yourself or will have insisted on boundaries being put in place and without doubt those are going to hurt her.

If she’s given the opportunity she will ask your partner, and possibly even you, to be her emotional crutch. She won’t give a thought to how you feel or all the pain you as a second wife have had to deal with so far but she will expect you to care about her emotional distress every second. She’ll be clingy with the children and your partner and communication will go crazy. Its her bed and she’ll lie in it- and won’t you know just how truly miserable she is every second of the day The children will turn up with a major guilt trip about enjoying themselves on every visit – if they haven’t refused to leave her side or washed their hands of their father and you by now so they don’t have to deal with the distress of it all. (And yes that will still all be your or his fault)

Acceptance
This is where you stand a chance of finding a way through all the mess the adults have created together. Finally she will see that there is no way back and she has to forge a relationship for the future – Of course some women deal with this by concluding that the best way to get on with their lives is to wipe their previous relationship from existence. They remove themselves and their children from having anything to do with their former family, up sticks and make a fresh start somewhere else, leaving your devastated partner to get on with his new life with you minus his children.

Some women do come to their senses. They can see that you are not second cousin to the wicked witch of the west, that you do care about their children, that you are competent and capable, and will try to turn things around so at the end of the day it’s the children who come out of this ok.

The trouble is by this point you are probably so traumatised by all the emotional s**t she’s shovelled in your direction that you don’t trust her, you don’t like her, you are allergic to her name, your partner doesn’t want to have anything to do with his ex this side of the devil getting ice skating lessons, the solicitors are very wealthy and their children think you and he are public enemy no 1.

If you can get to this point quickly then you stand a chance of having less trauma to deal with, less harm to your relationship and to the children, and everything settling down so if your partner is rushing around to help his ex to move house, doing everything he can to play happy families with his former family out of guilt for the effect on the children, fear of losing contact or grief of his own, then he is doing himself and everyone else no favours and you should consider the merits of asking him to decide which family he wants to be part of

– The one you and he will create with his children when they are with you

or

– the one he had with his ex partner and their children.

So gentlemen its make your mind up time………………

Chances are his ex-wife will be a permanent pain in the bum until she’s worked through her issues and come out of the grief tunnel. It’s perfectly natural for her to feel like this but it isn’t going to be pleasant. All you can do is hang on for the ride and remember the second wives mantra.

These are his ex-partners problems,

You can’t control her behaviour and make it better,

You and your partner can only control your behaviour.

just described the last 5 1/2 years of my life!