Step Talk

MIL and FIL came for a visit last week, and she no longer is acting like I'm BM out to ruin SD and DH's lives. She did get a little choked up though. She was complaining about her 41 yr D (SIL) who is definitely PD of some variety or another. They have a terribly co-dependent/enabling/dysfunctional relationship. MIL was interested in the boundaries book, and wanted to know more about what to do. I told her at this age, both her age and SIL's, that it's time to change "parent" from a verb to a noun. She liked that. I'm sure I didn't coin it. Either read it in one of those "STOP" doing, saying, letting, walking etc books, or from a wise woman on here.

Anyway, why her D expects her to keep giving, when she's been bled dry and all her giving is depleted.

I said, "Ummm...I know just how you feel! You have to set the boundaries and take baby steps. For instance with SD I know that I have become as all or nothing as she has. I have a hard time, like you, just giving some, and when people are takers they really know how to take all we have to give. But I also realized when I took her to get her hair cut last week, that we had a nice day. And that SD is like BM in the fact that she doesn't do well with more than one person at a time. So I can take her out now and then, and it will be fine, and I will start rebuilding our relationship one "date" at a time."

MIL was all tearing up and said, "Well this Gramma would really appreciate if you did try."

Sigh. Like I don't try all the flippin' time already.

DH looked at me like -Well...say whatever you want to that one! And I just said, "I always do try MIL. You and I are alike in that way, we keep giving people another chance."

I think in a way she doesn't like that I put it that way, comparing SD to SIL or to BM. She really can't see herself in the same situation with SIL that I am with SD, or that the problem is poor little defenseless SD. Because unlike MIL, I won't blame myself for SD's issues the rest of my life. Therefore it must be my fault to some degree.

UGH.

Wish me luck on the fact that I'm headed down with DH, BD, SD to see MIL/FIL tomorrow am for the holiday.
Also...
My friend at the theatre told me tonight that I should ask to take over my teacher's adult acting improve class because no one has offered to do it and they will just cancel it. I am going to the theatre on Tue to inquire. So hopefully, I'm one foot in the door. Another baby step.

And lastly, sad news.
My grandmother, my father's mom, died this evening. She was in her 90's and very frail. I will always wish we connected better, but she was very challenged relationally, as are my father and all his siblings. And unfortunately for her, my mom's parents were totally connected and really COOL-they did magic shows, my grandma did variety shows, he ran a printing press out of a huge shop on his property, was a puppeteer, clown, etc. How can another set of grandparents compare to that? But I do wish I could have known her better. I just never could connect.

I have an update on SD/BM stuff, but that's another entry.