Step Talk

I feel so lonely and sad right now. I am tired of feeling alone. I just got off of the phone with BF. We had a bit of an argument. I just need to sort things out I guess.

Since I was able to spend some time with SS3 and SD5 for the second time in months, I have been feeling the anticipation of what BM is going to do. I never really worried about it, but being that my BF has worried about it excessively, I think it has leaked into me as well. I don't want him treated badly, or whatever it is she's going to do to his relationship with his kids. I feel like he is going through all of this sh*t for me, and I am left wondering, "AM I really worth it?".

Our conversation started with me asking him why BM was in his car. SD5 mentioned that Mommy had been in his car once. We bought it when we first got together, a little over a year ago. I felt a little sick to my stomach, but we had dinner and then went to a Winter Festival here, and I tried to shrug it off. When he called me after putting the kids to sleep, I asked him about it. I told him that he wants me to trust him (and I do) when he travels all the way there 2+ hours to visit his kids or go to a special event when it is BM's weekend with them. He said he doesn't even remember why she was in his car because he said he felt it must have been last year right after we got it. Then, he laid into me and said that he really didn't need this from me right now, as he is going to have to deal with BM tomorrow morning when the kids tell her that they spent time with me tonight. He referred to tomorrow as, "His impending day from hell". I told him that it felt like my feelings were being shoved aside for her, and he got even more pissed off at me. I told him that I felt a little hurt that she had been with him and the kids in the car together at some point, even though it was last year. I wanted to talk about it because it was bugging me. But, I felt as though, because SHE was going to give him a hard time tomorrow, forget it. I can't do anything but be loving and supportive. I told him that I always try to be...I'm still here, been hiding in the shadows all this time, because of HER....because SHE doesn't want me around her children. I support his trips 2+ hours away from here on the weekends that aren't his on occasion, so he can see the kids more. I support the 3X a day phone calls between them, so he can talk to his kids. Is this the problem? Is it because I am loving and supportive and not a nasty bitch that I feel like I am shoved aside? I do stand up and get angry and say how I feel, but I always try to be fair. I ALWAYS put myself in other people's shoes and try to understand. I have tried doing that here....he says that because I don't have children, that I just don't understand.

I know that he integrated me into his children's lives tonight, and I waited a long time for that. I give him credit for that. But, when will he stop worrying so much about her and what she's going to do? When will he cease to feel responsible for her feelings and actions? Why does he feel that his life with his children is so wrapped up in her? Will he ever be able to separate the two? Will this ever end? I have seen him get better with a lot of things over time, but he just continues to give her power. His brother even told him that he bends to BM's will, and it isn't fair to Arianna. His brother asked him, who is it he wants to spend the rest of his life with - me or BM? If it is me, then, he said he needs to stop giving in to BM and start being there for me. (I will say, in BF's return email, that he agreed fully with his brother) My big question here is...does BM really hold all of the cards here?

So, I sit here alone tonight in my apartment that is packed up and ready for moving into his home next week. It's very hard on me to sit here and be stuck thinking about everything, and not be able to talk things out. He ended our conversation because he said he was tired, and he had a very long day ahead of him tomorrow, you know, dealing with BM and all. I tried telling him that he doesn't have to sit and listen to her berate him or me, or let her ruin his day with his kids, that the conversation can end as fast as he wants it to. If they need to talk about this, fine, but once the insults fly, enough. He said I was giving him a hard time and not being supportive. WTF. I thought I was being supportive, but I guess I was supposed to say nothing and allow him to deal with it how he chooses to, which will inevitably mean, she will ruin his day. He considered calling her tonight when he was getting off of the phone with me and just telling her what went on and dealing with it, but then he said she won't sleep all night. Again, what about me? I could have used that time to talk to him.

I feel like I am getting the hard time now because I am here by myself, and I cannot talk through things with him. I can only sit on here and write how I am feeling and hope that I feel better. In all honestly, this situation is making me feel so unsettled. I wonder...why am I here...why am I going through this? I want so badly to move on with my BF and be settled and get married, and have a baby. I feel like I share him with another woman though. Will I always feel this way? I figured, once the cat was out of the bag and she knew about me, things would change somewhat.

I wish I could close my eyes and sleep.