Step Talk

Hi everyone.

It's been a while. After purging/venting so much last month I felt OHHHHH so much better. Thanks to all of you for affording me that outlet.

Then, since losing my lifelong acting teacher I have been involved in getting some of his photos archived for the theatre. That in turn stirred up a ton of nostalgia for me, which I purged onto my real life blog if any of you care to read it you can get the link on myspace, facebook, or PM me for it. They are mighty good if I do say so, the last two in particular.

That process has inspired me to get back into life, theatre, use this silly BA for once.

And as always, whenever I send a good suggestion to the universe, the doors of opportunity start creaking open a little, and a little light peeks through encouraging me to step on in.

BD, who turns 3 in Dec may be headed to the MRDD's Typical Peer Preschool Program in Jan. Though I don't feel ready to send her off in the world, I think it may be a very positive thing for all of us. Then I would have all day, M-Th to get into a theatre job teaching, or a part time job doing something else interesting. That would help us a lot financially, give me a life outside these walls, and nurture my soul.

If it works out and BD is happy with it, then I'm off to get a real life! Oh won't BM be happy since she states that to DH every now and then, "I think that SHE (me) needs to get a LIFE (job) and leave SD alone!!!!" Hmmm...Guess that's what BM did, eh? Got a "Life" so she could leave SD ALONE.

DH's going to like THAT one when I share it with him!

So here's what's new.

MIL and FIL visited this past weekend and we are going to see them this coming Sat. Visit went well. MIL cried a lot about SD, about SIL (her daughter) who is pretty much PD/BP as well. I remained calm and supportive, and when they left I think she remembered I am not BM, and not trying to do spiteful mean things to her "precious baby girl" (Yes she really does call SD that.)

As a matter of fact, FIL humored her with a walk through a model home in a new allotment down the street from us. I was envious of how nice the construction was (our allotment's builders sucked.) But DH reminded me that I never want to live in an allotment again. So we'll stick with this old house for now.

SD is actually relating a little better with me too. Not flipping to idolizing me again (though the shrink said that may happen again in the future- I kind of hope not as it's overbearing as well.) But last weekend DH asked if I would take her with me to get my haircut/highlighted. I get so little time to myself with an almost 3 year old always in tow, that I really didn't want to take SD. Plus, SD is obsessed that her roots are trashy looking, so she wanted to color her old highlights darker. That's expensive (these were a one time special treat from her Aunt when she was with them last summer, and we told her upfront we weren't maintaining them.) And honestly, you'd have to pull a section of hair out under a bright light (which I'm sure she does!) to even notice, and they are growing out/fading just like real highlights do. Therefore it does not in fact look trashy, so we said no.

I told DH I would take her, but he must tell her that she will not be getting any color, just a cut- do not attempt to beg me into it!

I left very heavy with the thought of several hours alone with SD, between the ride to the salon (near where I used to live about 30 mins away) and having to talk to her/hang out while we were waiting for my highlights to take.

Then something interesting happened.

We had a good time. Not fantastic as I think after a year of stormy seas, we were both trying to get our land legs back. But it wasn't bad. It didn't suck. And we even laughed once or twice.

And then it dawned on me.

It isn't me.

It is SD, or rather her personality disorder/bipolar stuff.

DH told me, and I've mentioned it here, that BM could not handle relating to more than one person at a time, and really hated when the person who's undivided attention she sought, would interact with someone else in her presence. She would even send SD to her room to watch TV (and eat- SD's stashes started then)when DH got home from work til dinner, then right to bed again. When I have researched PDs and talked with SD's former psych doc, I came to understand that this results in triangulation. Where the ill person has to try to pit the other two against each other, or makes them align against them (the ill one). You are either for or against them in other words. BM was doing that with DH and SD, which translated in DH and SD adopting an "Us against Her" attitude as well.

When I entered the mix, SD didn't know what to do. Her partner had another now, and we tried to teach her that we all can hang out/inter-relate together, but she has continually sabotaged those moments by baiting one of us into an argument, until she is sent to her room.

So...

During my final visit with SD's Dr, we talked a lot about acceptance and trying to work with the PD rather than against it (which would NEVER work because they are so oppositional.) For instance, SD's annoying habit of questioning me about what I'm doing, where I'm going, how long does it take to get there, when I will be back, and won't I be late if I don't leave sooner?
I suggested one day she would make a really good personal assistant (except when the person she's assisting didn't do what she wanted or leave when she said to, but she would have to adjust, adapt, or move on to something else there.) But it's true. She loves scheduling. She would be a really good scheduler of some sort.

So, if I know now that the reason they get along when I leave for the weekend, is because SD can't relate to both DH and myself at once rather than she just hates me, OR that if one of us corrects her (DH) it means I am correcting her in her mind as well, and I embrace truly that it's part of her mental issue, and not intentional or spiteful...

Then once a month or so I can take her to a movie or to the mall. And it will likely go very well.

Whew. Thank God since this disengaging was affecting EVERYONE as I can't just disengage myself from the one person I see more than anyone else other than BD.)

I'm starting next week. SD said BM wasn't keeping her overnight on Thanksgiving, but when DH talked to BM he didn't make that an option- "What time will you pick her up on Fri?" was his approach. So she will be there overnight. And if BM doesn't take her to the new Twilight movie on Thanksgiving, then I will take her sometime the next week. Not her and a friend this time. But her and me. And we'll see how that goes then move on from there.

I am also toying around with allowing her to join theatre. She used to want to because of me, then didn't because of me as well. But when I took all three older kids to my teacher's memorial, where there were over 200 people paying tribute, performing works from shows he loved and directed, choking up when speaking about what he meant to them, telling funny stories, showing amazing slides from the last 30 years (including one of me about 8 years old), she was the only one who said, "I think I'd like to try that."

I hesitate only because I have known a few PD/BP people in the theatre (there's some sort of gravitational pull) and it usually doesn't go well. They steal from lockers in the dressing room, or lie and manipulate people, become divas, or worse, have anxiety attacks from stage fright, are totally distraught if they don't get the part they wanted, and can suffer bouts of terrible depression after not being able to peel off a dark character(one friend of mine had a break down after playing Agnes in Agnes of God.) So I'm not sure she would do well as there is a ton of self discipline required and not a lot of structure mixed with lots of ego (who needs more?) competition for attention, disappointment and rejection...you get my drift here. Takes a rather tough skinned/emotionally grounded person to stay centered there. So I'll let her do acting classes (more structure) for now, and see if it's something that would help or hinder.

I'll let you all how that goes. My life is an ever evolving experiment.

Thanks for always being there to listen. I couldn't make it without you!