Step Talk

Sounds like my BF a few weeks back saying that i "intimidate" SD, now 10. Fact of the matter is that SD was being manipulative, did a crappy job at a chore that BF asked her to do (not me) and then got rewarded by being able to use the garden tractor (she's a motorhead and tomboy). I got VERY frustrated when I brought up the fact to SD that she did a subpar job and her reaction was to VERY sarcastically reply "THANKS CRAYON!!"
And then went sashaying over to daddykins for her nice ride on the garden tractor!!!

This according to BF, was all my fault and he didn't hear her be sarcastic, she was "just trying to make conversation"
yeah RIGHT! She has a very sarcastic mouth on her. Well now he has seen first hand that SD only plays him for b-day and xmas gifts. I feel vindicated in a way and hope he doesn't back slide (I know he will!)

the fact of the matter is this is just another GUILTY PARENT excuse "my child is AFRAID of you."
Believe me, tomboy SD10 is fearful of NOTHING because she allowed to get away with EVERYTHING!

I have talked to DH re guilt parenting too-this is what I got

Apparently my 6'1, 165 pound 16 year old SS is "afraid" of me too (5'1-petite woman) I found that funny!

DH says he can tell SS doesn't like me because, YES you read this right, "I BRING STRUCTURE INTO HIS LIFE"

Now isn't that the most abusive Stepmom you have ever heard of!!

When I am home with SS he does as he is told (whines to Daddy after)and I do not ask much (pick up after yourself, bath once in awhile-respect other peoples boundaries, say please and thank you).

SS has started to make his own lunches (one of my awful rules)-he lumbers into the dining room this morning and says to his father.

"Pick up some cans of coke for my lunches"

his father looks at SS lovingly and turns to me and says

Awwwwww a request from wonderful SS

I say loud enough -HMMMM I guess he doesn't have to say please, or thank-you (this makes me evil apparently

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

A combo of psychological warfare and disengaging.

AND TIME!

Timeline: first 3 1/2 years (pure hell; I went along with guilt parenting, spoiling, just gritted my teeth whilst skids ran roughshod over us) I got yelled at by BF for committing the following atrocites:

not providing hot dog rolls that were "fresh enough" (day old)

not having name brand "doritos" readily available and in supply at all times (I bought the store brand *gasp* that was a NO NO)

not cutting off the crusts of their sandwiches and suggesting that skids eat the same meals that we do.

not making the breakfast sausage look like "timmy's" on the english muffin.

the list goes on and on and on

Then after the first 3 1/2 years of EVERY weekend (not EOW; this was verbally agreed upon by BM and BF; i was completely left out of it and not consulted) they turned on BF b/c he had had enough of their kicking each other's teeth out (SD kicked youngest SS in the mouth) so he scolded them

BM, who is a foster care worker, immediately reported us to CPS, got a founded report pushed through without us knowing, etc. etc. Skids went along with this and lied to the CPS worker in our county. Later, skids admitted they lied to make mommy happy.

I thought this was the ephiphany that BF needed and he decided to set "house rules" when the skids came back.

This lasted for about 5 seconds and BF was back to guilt parenting, only this time, BF wanted them to do regular chores. NOTHING DOING and gradually skids stopped coming to visitation altogether (BF doesn't enforce his visitation rights; doesn't want to make waves with the BM)

BM doesn't make them do any chores at all, it's just fun fun fun, eating out, going to the mall, going to the myriads of after school activities, homework/classwork is optional.

All the while BM and her sasquatch mother was spewing PAS from the SECOND she and BF broke up (total of almost 4 1/2 years now)

The "you intimidate my daughter" crap was as recent as this past July so that was at the 4 year mark.

Can't tell you if it gets better. Seems that whenever BF is displeased with me, skids develop halos.

I was told by DH that my youngest SD was afraid of me, too. But then again, she's like a freakin' chihuahua who jumps at the sight of her own shadow!

The funniest thing is, that I'm a teacher for cripes' sake! I used to teach kindergarten. Now I teach 5th grade CCD classes (Catholic school religion). And my school kids LOVE me!

So I told DH, "Yeah, I'm super big and scary. I beat kids all the time. That's why I've been teaching them my whole life."
He FINALLY got a clue.

The problem with these kids, who like to say they are AFRAID of us, is that we give them BIG SCARY RULES. I'm guessing most of us are pretty cut-and-dry. "Here are the rules- follow them. Period."

And when they are used a life of no rules and no consequences (such as life at BMs house) yes, I do think that IS scary for them. A STRONG, CONFIDENT, CAPABLE woman figure is definitely something that is scary and new to them!

I know for my SD, I was the FIRST strong female role model she had ever encountered outside of school. Her BM is a wimpy, sing-songy, victim-type, totally incapable person. BLEEEECHHH
And in comparison, I must have looked like a drill sargeant to her.

But eventually, she realized that I never needed to raise my voice, I never threatened, I never beat her (now, our little inside joke!), and she could ALWAYS count on me to be there for her.

So, your DH needs to get over the SDs excuse of "I'm afraid of big, bad Stepmom!". It's clearly not YOU she's afraid of- it's the structure and the rules that she is fearing. And he needs to stop playing into that right away!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

that your BF/DH is just throwing out another guilt parent excuse "you intimidate, scare, etc. my kid"

Just another card to throw out in the neverending stacked deck of guilt parenting.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Just an observation. The last time I was at BM's house was last week-had to pickup H's dog for him. BM was out in the front yard, raking a huge pile of leaves. SD17 & SD13 come bouncing out of the house, free as birds.

When my son lived w/me, we did two yards-my folks and mine. He did our yard, I did my folks' yard. He painted the living room, and the bathroom. He did his own laundry. While I did do the cooking, if we grilled, he did the grilling. And he worked or went to school full time. If it snowed, he did all the shoveling.

WTF??? It doesn't make sense. None at all. Entitlement.

is the name of the game. Skids dont' have any rules at BM's house. They rent so they don't need to be careful about damage (when I rented I was very cognizant of damage; such is a thing of the pasts i guess)

Skids have an "homework/classwork optional" situation, eat out almost every day, no chores, get an allowance just for breathing, play video games 24/7, have activities constantly. I can only IMAGINE the mess they live in. BF says that BM is a slob and so is BM's new hubby.

Poor little SS Zippy is "afraid of" "doesn't like" any adult authority who has rules, boundaries or structure.

Before SS Mom disengaged from parenting all together she ruled SS with an iron fist-Zippy used to call his dad weeping to come and get him out of that horrible environment the 50% of the time she had him (so he could go to Daddy's to be worshipped and play video games 24/7, going to bed when he wanted, eating whatever he wanted, and molly coddled to death.

Treating your bio kid like this really makes him likeable-NOT

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!