With Christmas coming up and SD15 deciding to start visiting DH again (she will be here this weekend), I anticipate she'll be making her list of Christmas wishes. Last year DH gave SD $200 for presents, after we'd agreed on about $100 for each of the three kids (including our two BDs). So, our two BDs got about $100 spent on them and SD got $200 from DH plus probably another $200 from BM. OK, how is that fair?!
So I am bracing myself for the fight with DH when I tell him that I do not want that scenario repeating itself this year. Any ideas how I can approach this with him in a constructive way? I usually e-mail him my proposed Christmas budget, but he ALWAYS agrees with it (because he doesn't intend to abide by it with regard to SD. He's told me before he thinks we should spend MORE on SD because she'd older and her needs are greater.).
The economy stinks, I am facing the possibility of losing my job, and I have to fight with DH over SD. Oh boy!
How about this?
He broke his promise in years past by doubling SDs budget at your house, right? (OK, you can't control what she gets from her BMs house- that's JUST the way it is!)
So SD got $200 last year?
Tell DH that because of the economy and your household expenses and your worries about your job, etc, that your budget for ALL the kids is $X amount (maybe $70 this year).
Knowing that DH will go out and double SDs, as in years past, you can already COUNT on it in your budget.
But in your ACTUAL budget, plan on spending more on your BDs, too ("OOPS, sorry, DH- I seemed to have gone over this year on them!). Or maybe he won't even notice. And then spend less on HIM.
That's just CRAP that SD needs more because she's older- just another GUILT PARENTING EXCUSE.
It's amazing. The kid doesn't want to even see him, the BM extorts money from you left and right, you get royally screwed in the CS and activity fees, and you think he'll still want to go overboard this year on her?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
That's where I'm not sure
DH "seems" to be a bit less infatuated with SD this year, perhaps because he is finally seeing the light with regard to her behavior. But since she's now coming back around, I wouldn't put it past him to try and buy her affection. I saw a Christmas photo from one year before we got married, and there were dozens of presents under the tree. All for SD. So he has a history of overindulgence with this kid, and it doesn't seem to end even when we don't have any money.
If I lose my job, we'll probably lose our house. So I can't really afford to spend MORE on BDs right now, and I don't want to "compensate" by overindulging them. Know what I mean?
There is a reason why I handle the money in our house
It's because DH does the same thing. For no reason what-so-ever he'll buy SS a $20 toy that SS plays with for about 20 minutes then breaks or loses. Last Christmas DH spent all his Christmas money on SS and didn't have enough for everyone else and asked me for more money (DH gets an allowance) and I refused so he had to take stuff back...haha
Not sure what I would do if I wasn't the one that controlled the money, we'd be in the poor house that's for sure
So maybe it's time for a reality check
Maybe you need to have a conversation with him that scares the crap out of him? Something like this...
"Look DH, I know in years past, you've always liked to buy extra presents for SD, especially at Xmas, but this year is different. This year we are in serious financial distress.
"This year, there IS NO EXTRA MONEY for a lot of presents- for ANY of the kids. This year, if I lose my job, we could lose our home. Is it really worth a few extra presents for our family to be out on the street?
"I don't want to see that happen. I think we need to set a very small budget for ALL of the kids and stick to it. And I need your solemn promise to do that."
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Maybe that will work? Maybe it's time to pull out the honesty card and show him how freakin' scared you are at this point.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Elizabeth - I have no words
Elizabeth - I have no words for you hun - I get so angry for you when I read some of your posts about how he treats this kid. I would sit him down and very matter of factly lay out for him what your current financial situation is - and then tell him - point blank - we will only be spending x amount on all 3 kids - SD included. Remind him of all the crap she has put all of you through in the past year and what an ungrateful little b**** she is and how she doesn't even want to come over for visitation with him half the time!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Thanks for the sympathy
This is the same kid who, given $200 last year, bought the ipod she wanted. Then she came to our house one weekend and told DH, "You need to buy me a cover for my ipod." So he took her to the store and bought one! Excuse me?! First of all, you don't "need" to do anything and it's not SD's place to tell you what to do. Second of all, you gave her $200. More than enough to buy a cover. Third, this kid has $300 cash in her wallet at any given time (and she doesn't work). She can buy the damned ipod cover herself. I just shook my head; it wasn't worth "another" fight.
There ought to be a law against
GUILT PARENTING!!! Penalty: Offspring banishment! It's a win/win!
I agree w/5teens.. you need
I agree w/5teens.. you need to scare the pants off of him. Ask him how fair it would be to lose the home, and sd has a home and all these extras, while you cant afford a place to live for the two of you and two biodaughters. Tell him that the CS and lawyer fees are eating up a lot of money that is not being spent on your family. That this is such a financial drain that you do not want to be kept up nights worrying about the future, so that sd can have the world handed to her under a tree.
Tell him to pick the 1 item that sd REALLY wants, and go w/that. Then if its underbudget instead of AT budget, get her a few smaller things to make up that difference.
Is there anyway of checking the packages under the tree to see what he got her, add it up, and if its more, tell him to choose what is going back or you wilL?!?!!? and then remove it from under the tree to return.
I would be upset if I were you.. for sure.. I am terribly concerned about our future finances and when I let DH in on how bad I felt it was, he has cut back considerably w/the skids.
This is unreal - I do not
This is unreal - I do not know how you put up with this crap my friend. I would have flipped my lid on the both of them a long time ago!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Is there a way that you can
convince DH to keep all the receipts "in case SD wants to return them" then YOU return them just before x-mas ha ha ha!
I've been watching H spend us poor on his darling
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and, ummm, let's see-I did get to send my son a birthday gift-and took him out to supper ONE time!
H's excuse-his children are younger and need more. That comment would be very truthful except-since when is matchy matchy shoes with daddy for SD17 a need? And so many of the other countless things he's bought/done for her-all extravagences! While my son would no doubt gag if I bought matchy matchy shoes for him and myself, I'm sure he would love to be treated to a ball game, just as much as SD17 loved being taken to the amusement park by her father.
So f'em. I can't wait to gain my financial independence. Wish it was tomorrow. I never thought of myself as a vindictive woman, but when it comes to my son getting the shaft, look out. I'm PO'd.
Christmas WILL be even money, or they'll be opening their gifts (H & SD's) in a motel room. Not in my home.
Update: I bit the bullet
I bit the bullet and e-mailed DH at home (he won't get it until tonight). I did as 5teens suggested and asked him to promise me he would stay within the budget. I explained that with my job uncertainty I was concerned about the future. But I also told him (he might as well know) that I did not approve of his spending twice as much as on SD last year as on our two BDs.
We'll see what happens!
Good luck, Elizabeth
You put your cards on the table- I guess that's about all you CAN do at this point. Hopefully he's sensitive to what you have to say.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that he responds in a positive way!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
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