DealinWithTheDevil's picture

Are you living in the house that your hubby and his ex lived in ???

So, if you look at my history you'll see that I have always been a single mom of 1..who married and moved into the country with dad of 4 kids and overbearing exwife.

After only 1 yr of marriage, i ran..and am now staying at a friends (been here a month and half)....well we went to a few counseling meetings...and started to make progresss

He when he invites me to go back to the house (His house) not ours, because i hate the damn place..its out in the country around all of his family and i am like a fish out of water there.......on top of the fact that this house is where he and his ex lived all of their married lives and becuz settlement is not done..her name is STILL on it!!!!!

Problem is, now that i've moved out and in with a girlfriend in my home town...i really dont want to move back in with hubby.......I've asked him to sell the home so we can start over, and get OUR own place; but he refuses, he loves it there...

I dont find this is fair, am I wrong? Why should I have to live where I dont want to live, in a house that reaks nothing but the ex?


Most Evil's picture

Hmm

Well I can certainly understand your position. I would hate that too, except! if it is a beautiful old house that is built better than anything is today, on land where you can breathe or sit outside or have a garden or horses, etc. and some privacy, that had been in your family for a long time, that would be hard for him to give up - if that is the case.

But I understand your viewpoint to the point that it could be a dealbreaker for me, too. Sometimes it is as simple as that, that you want different things. My DH wanted us to move home to MI and I have to say my little southern heart thought I could do it, but in the end I had to say, I really, really don't want to go. And he didn't either. So we didn't.

But also if there is no mortgage or payment on the place that is hard to turn down though! Could you redecorate, to make it seem more like your own? or is it just too much. Sorry I haven't been much help, but this is a tough one.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano

melis070179's picture

I would say marriage takes

I would say marriage takes compromise...if you're miserable there then he should give on this one. If he'd rather have the house than you, then walk away! I personally would never move into a house that my husband lived in with his ex, though he is living in my house where I used to live with my ex! Some people it bothers, some it doesn't. If it bothers you, don't do it. I know living too close to one spouses family can also interfere with your lives, so if thats also part of the problem he should be understanding...but I don't know all the circumstances so this is just based off what you've said so far!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Conflicted's picture

I completely understand.....

I couldn't live in the house that my hubby and BM lived in. When we met I had him sell the house because I just couldn't do it, the thought of living in "their" house made (and still makes) me sick.

KeepsGettingBetter's picture

I couldn't do it!

BF and I had split for a while, but when we got back together I found out he was seeing someone else casually that had stayed at his house (which I use to live in aswell but BM never did) and she slept in the same bed as well.
After I found this out it took me ages to get over the fact that another woman had been there and she was only a fling. I changed the mattress around, brought new bed sheets and even moved some furniture around just so it was different.
I couldn't live in the house if it was once his family home with BM and skids, it would be too hard for me and it sounds like it is for you too.
If you feel that strongly about it then I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel, especially if it means that if he doesn't sell theres no future for you guys.
All the best in whatever you decide, it's a hard one.

KGB
Formally known as Dani - RIP Baby Girl

Ascoolasiam's picture

I understand

yet I think I'd be grateful for a nice house and not having to buy another. We bought a house together but we have a lot of his EW's things because just starting out we are tight on finances so we are using her old dishes and things. It bothers me a little but I do try to be grateful for what I have no matter who it came from.

B's picture

No Way Jose!

Not that it was ever an option, but there was no way in hell that I would have ever lived in that house. As it is my DH has a really annoying tendency to 'stroll down memory lane', and if I had to live in a house where I heard about their life there over and over and over I'd kill him.......

"If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

stuckinthemiddle's picture

living there now

When I met my FH he was recently divorced and still living in the same house that he and ex had shared. Not only was her shit still there...her wedding dress, hair brush, books, etc, but there were family portraits still present. It took me a while to get him to actually pay attention and put them away. He was so used to things, he never paid any attention. And another six months, for him to get off his ass and clear the house of all the photos stuck in a box here and there, along with boxing up her crap to give back to her. I thought about throwing all her shit in the trash and selling her ugly dress. He was too nice and bought a tote to put it in along with her other stuff.
It still bothers me to know they shared their lives in my home but now it is OUR house that she USED to live in. I still want to move since it's not big enough for us to have another child. If I see anything now that I think resembles something she would have chosen (she has poor taste) I throw it away. I have thrown away so many things, that he doesn't know about..Shh. We have also made big changes in the home together including putting pictures out of sight of herself with the kids and other momentos away in a memory box for the kids.
I am looking forward to us getting married so that we can have new stuff in our home.

liks's picture

me too... I threw out boxes

me too...

I threw out boxes of stuff that belonged to the scrag....best part was throwing out all her old tax papers etc....bitch hadnt been living here for 6 years...lazy skank....

burnt all the old photos etc....loved watching them go up in flames....

I lost 100k on my house sale and this has kept us living here...plus his ball droppings are in his head every moment they can about how he cant sell their house....

I wont go into certain rooms and I wont sit on certain furniture....anything I see that reminds me of her...I throw it out....even in front of him....I have redecorated to the best of my ability for the least amount of money....and it feels acceptable to a certain degree...

but I still get upset sleeping in that bedroom where them horrible 2 ball droppings were conceived....mind you we have since brought a beautiful king size bed...and lovely new sheets etc..

IMHO you should not under any circumstances live in the house that your husband lived with his ex wife....NEVER....We never agreed to this - it just happens to be that way...we have found a house to purchase and are in the process of getting this house on the market....but its bad for a marriage and no man should expect a wife to clean the crap up that belonged to such skanks...

'some parents really bring their children up'; others let them down!

semi's picture

I think the root of the problem

is that he hasn't done much to make you feel like an equal partner in the marriage let alone in the house. If he was truly committed to the team mentality that a marriage requires and if you were happy in the marriage I don't think the house would be as much of an issue. I think it's just another symptom of the bigger problem. I can understand not wanting to move, I truly love the house and the neighborhood we live in (I bought the house on my own 10 years ago) and would be hard pressed to give it up. I know BF still feels like it is more "my" house than "ours" but he likes the neighborhood too and knows how I feel so doesn't push it.

I still think the bigger issue for you is that the base of the marriage is not strong enough to give you the overall security you need to deal with the house. If he gets serious about wanting to change he'll acknowledge that it is an issue for you and offer a compromise... new paint maybe? Even a couple of new furniture pieces or just rearrange what's there could help.

DealinWithTheDevil's picture

the root...

Your right. I've actually taken the last month and 1/2 to search for the grand answer as to why i cant get myself to go back to hubby...I know I love him, but cant imagine going through another yr like the one i just had.

I know that marriage has challenges, but when you take it all away, and you stand before your husband- you should feel safe, feel like a team, like you and he can beat the odds........ No matter what it is.........but i dont feel that.

When i think of returning,I think of the drama, and it scares me to death....

And now that i've left.....he's trying to change that, but i think it might be too late.

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger;..hold please- I'm going cancel my gym membership........

What doesn't kill you will make you stronger;..hold please- I'm going cancel my gym membership........

Cardprincess's picture

My greatest regret is that I

My greatest regret is that I was not more firm about us purchasing a home to live in together after we got married. I am living in the house he lived in with his ex, and I HATE it. It will never, ever, EVER be my home. The neighborhood is horrible, it's not a style of house I would pick anyway, and I just hate it. Before we got married, we had so much other drama going on in our lives, I was too stressed out to take on finding/building a new house. Now that I'm in it with them, he's in no big hurry to leave. I would advise, always, if AT ALL possible, to get a house for you all to live in together. Stay in the same area so the kids can keep their schools, friends and whatnot, but get a different home. The resentment I feel about his reluctance to get us a new home is eating me up, and he manages to find something to dislike about every new home we look at "the pantry's smaller than what we have", etc. To come home every day and not feel like you're truly "home" is miserable, and your husband is being pretty selfish disrespecting your wishes and needs this way. If he's not willing to get a new house for the sake of your marriage, you might have some tough decisions ahead of you.

all you need is love

liks's picture

Cardprincess....you and Me

Cardprincess....you and Me are in the same boat...

my DH has been saying stuff like....excusses to why this and that house is no good....when we look

Although we have since found something...now for the bank....well....its a joke....

I am so hurt....I am so annoyed and I dont feel like a real person nor happy as a women because of his reluctance to put this outta here as a priority....

'some parents really bring their children up'; others let them down!

z3girl's picture

I know this might not help at

I know this might not help at all, but what if the two of you renovated/redecorated the whole house together? This way it would be "your own" and nothing like it was with his ex. I know I've always said I would NEVER live in DH's houses that he lived in with other women, but I think if we did something like this, I could eventually get past it. The important part is changing everything so there are no reminders.

cant win for losin's picture

I know I would hate living in

I know I would hate living in DH and his ex's home. I def think this is one of hem things that is unique for everyone. Some can deal with it no problem. Some can redecorate and then no problem. Some can even renovate and no problem. I say if you don't feel good about it now there's a good chance you won't later. I would suggest if you do wanna "try" I would put limits with it. Ex: "I will try if I can completely redecorate" or "I will try if we knock this wall down, change that blah blah."
But don't beat yourself if you can't just "get over it" if you find yourself picturing them there instead of you two, you will probably always picture that.
On a side note: I have never lived in "their" home, but fiancée lives in mine and my ex's home. I have extreme reservations about moving. Why? First and foremost I have commitment issues. Selfish of me I know. He dislikes it. Little bits and pieces here and there make it feel for the moment it's "ours" but it's that elephant in the room issue. It technically is mine and was mine with an ex!

tigerbum's picture

I am currently living in SO

I am currently living in SO and BM's home but she only lived there for six months so six months less than i have lived there. However she was screwing a number of differnt men in SO's bed while he was on night shift so i sorta see that he has as rough a deal as me! Its a gorgous house but all the furniture was choosen by BM so that is the thing that annoys me.

I am moving out next week so doesnt really matter anymore but before i tried buying a few of my own pieces to make it more like home but due to SO being controlled for 17 years he then felt like i was trying to do the same so wanted his own way. Well he has his big 5 bedroom house to himself from Wednesday and can decorate it anyway he likes. That is exactly what i will be doing in my new home!

Your in a tricky spot and i feel for you. Sometimes you need to make a huge stand to make these men realise what is acceptable and what's not.

jb's picture

I am living there. In the

I am living there. In the house she picked out with her ex. In the house her children were conceived. I was barely allowed to move my stuff into the main living area. My furniture all has covers on it to make it look different. I bought a new bed because I draw the line there. There are many family pictures around from her previous marriage. Her wedding dress and all of the photo albums are all around as well.

It is not my home and it doesn't feel like my home. It is a hard time in the economy to sell a house, so I understand. I also think it is hard on the kids. They have memories in that house. I don't know if it is good or bad that they do. It makes it hard for everyone to move on.

My SO is still close with her ex and he comes over a lot. It feels awkward.

If you can get a new space I encourage it. We (stepparents) have to deal with so much baggage. If we are able to remove the physical baggage, I say go for it.

saffron5567's picture

This is my husband's house in

This is my husband's house in which his grown daughter briefly lived. BM never lived here. I hate the location, style, neighborhood...pretty much everything about it. I had a lot of trouble feeling it was mine and not his kid's because all her shit was here (even though she had a gorgeous new apartment two hours away) and I had to pry it out of here like it was lead...he was no help at all getting it out. His ex-wife's mail came here because SD handles the mom's business while the mom works out of the country. So I was getting his ex-wife's mammogram results, her Victoria's Secret catalog, her legal papers, bills, etc. It took me months and hundreds in therapy to finally get that stopped because my husband didn't want to ruffle his daughter's feathers by asking her to route her mail and her mom's mail to her own f*****g address.

So let me make this clear: I was supposed to give up my own castle to move into his house (which he claimed was "ours") even though his daughter's shit was everywhere, his ex-wife's mail was coming daily and no space or accommodations had been made for me???? Yea, that's what he wanted.

We've been married three years and I only just moved in here from my own house, which I adored. I did it because I lost my job and keeping two houses seemed extravagant. But I hate it here. I had to fight tooth and nail to wipe his ex-life slime off it. It helps that his kid isn't living here, I'm sure. I think some of us are more sensitive to this. I don't blame you at all, but it might be a hard thing to negotiate now that you're already married. These are the things that need to be negotiated and discussed before marriage.

If you don't want to shit can the marriage, maybe consider using it to gain something else you want that will make it easier for you to live there. Maybe you and he agree that you will take an annual vacation of your choice without his kids. Or maybe you get a gaggle of dogs even though he doesn't care for dogs.

I should tell you, this has gotten better now that I've been here a little while. I started throwing away stuff while he's at work and stripping all the wallpaper when he's out of town. I mean, there's only so much you can do, right? If you're sure you won't be happy there, move on. But I'd give it as much time as needed to know that for sure. Good luck. I hope it works out for the best.