Step Talk

Hey, honey, I'm sending you a PM. Believe me, I am where YOU ARE right now every other weekend...

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

doncha love it when they pin their guilt parenting and disfunction on us step moms? Like WE'RE the problem???? Gawd, if we had a nickle for everytime we hear that we would be able to bail out fannie and freddie mae combined!!!!

Believe me, BF almost caved to having his little precious baby boy (giant sized baby huey more like) over on sunday just b/c the other skids and BM didn't want to deal with him! I started to lock my car doors (he gets in my car and starts pulling levers and knobs and not just playing; he's actually ripped out some slightly loose upholstery)

completely destructive child that needs to hear the word NO!

I can only imagine how awful a TEENAGED brat out of control is. Being a bio mom, I kept my teenagers under control at all times; they knew who the parent was. Not so in these guilt parenting cases!

BF and I were fantasizing about moving away to Montana!!!

I have been in your position afew times over the last 4 years. Many of our non skids weekends was spent argueing about them and BM. I always get the comment from BF that 'I knew he had children before we got together' my response is always 'that is true but I never knew that there mother was such a BITCH'. BF was always clear that his children will always be number one to him. I have to admit that it upset me alot at first but I also understand. If I had a child and was separated with that childs father my child would always be number 1 to me as well no matter who came into my life. I know how hard it is to always play second best and to not always be supported by your man, it sucks and hurts. It make you wonder why the hell you even bother and what's the point in staying in this shit when you have no say or control over the situations. I love my man and I know he loves me. We are still working on alot of issues that we have, he is now starting supporting me and tells BM where to go when appropriate (which he never ever use to do).

I wish you the best of luck on whichever path you choose to take, just make sure you decision is based on what's right for you and no one else.

**BIG HUGS FOR YOU**
THERE IS ALWAYS LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

Could you go away to your shore house by yourself and leave your husband to deal with the bullshit? I know in a way that your leaving would only reinforce the issue of the 16 y.o. step daughter having too much power with your husband and within your household, however. She would probably just gloat that she ran you off and she got to have her "daddy" under her thumb all weekend.

Honestly, by age 16 she should start to get her own life and be doing her own thing a little bit. Sometimes they just go through a really bad/rough time before that happens.

take one step backwards for every two steps forward?

Probably not. But he was agreeing with you about discipline and boundaries a month or so ago, wasn't he? And he had seen how much that approach was benefiting the oldest and youngest skids. Maybe he just needs a little time to have that epiphany again.

Would it be helpful at all to take aside the oldest skid and privately speak to her about sd16? I don't mean in a way that will cause older skid to be uncomfortable or feel disloyal. I just mean that she is nearly an adult, at least technically, and has been able to put the whole mom/dad thing in perspective somewhat. She may have some insight about sd16's thought processes and how they are reinforced or disrupted by the turmoil between the two households. I agree with Mustang. If the two of you can't recharge together, at least one of you needs a breather. Get off on your own the next time the opportunity presents itself. It might help you think through your options, too.

I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.

Hang in there and stay strong. Your DH has shown a glimmer of hope, as you say, so all is not lost as he works it out. You just need to let him experience firsthand the toxic soup that he is choosing to place before his happiness and sanity.

Is there a reason that you have to stick around and endure the bullshit during the weekends? Why not go to the shore house yourself and have a "great time" while he gets to stay home and deal with the bitches?

I know your frustration too. Last weekend my DH accused me of "not thinking right" when he suggested that his cocaine-addicted, homeless, junkie, non-working-by-choice SD19 be allowed back into our house to live with us and our hard-working BD12. WWWWWWTTTTTTTTFFFFFF??????

Where the hell are their minds???????

that this is going on. I thought he was doing so well? Guess not. I have felt no end in sight to my DH's problems with his daughters as well, so I KNOW the feeling. I sure hope maybe he can pull his head out of his ass before it's too late!

And you are all correct. My therapist has suggested, as well, that I take some time off for myself the next time the drama starts, leaving him to deal with it- alone.

In fact, the next weekend we have "alone," he has his group retreat for his work on Friday into Saturday. It's down in Atlantic City, NJ, which is about 1/2 hour from our shore house. The original plan was for him to go down via car service on Friday and then have me pick him up in AC on Saturday after the retreat, then having the rest of our weekend together at our house at the shore. I think I'm going to tell him to just take the car back home because I NEED one full quiet weekend without any drama, and at this point, I can't trust him not to shut it down for me. And my therapist agrees.

The thing that is most upsetting is that I too have kids. One, in fact, is mentally challenged. Yet, when the boys have their weekends with their dad, they just go on Fridays and I get them on Sunday evenings. Never is there this constant drama, angst, and nonsense with them that we have with the girls (particularly the middle one). It's a night and day difference. And why is that? Because from the beginning, I have always put DH, and our marriage, first. Of course, it's one thing if there's a true emergency, then I totally understand that kids come first. But in over 5 years together...Emergencies, 0....Drama, Countless times.

Vickmeister, you suggested the older SD18 perhaps talking to SD16. It's a good idea on the surface, but only if the SD16 would accept that her behavior is causing any problems in the situation. And that's one of the big problems here- in her mind, she is totally blameless in her actions. She's 'Mary Poppins'- practically perfect in every way! And she refuses to admit any culpability in any of this. In her mind, it's either my fault or her dad's fault or her Bm's fault, but she is not to blame for anything, so why should she need to change?

So it's not HER behavior that I think will ever change (sorry to say). I really think she's going to end up like a little selfish, horrible version of her BM. So the focus has to be on DH...

On the plus side of this (if there is any), DH did admit over the weekend that he did majorly F up in regard to behavior with SD16 and that he is failing at this parenting thing miserably. He knows that he needs help. He thinks that he really needs to see a professional and apologized for constantly throwing in my face that I need to see someone.

He serioulsy knows that I will not stand for him putting SD16 first anymore. I told him flat out that if this pattern continues he will very soon be a "lonely, sad man" because no one else in their right mind would ever put up with this crap that I've endured, and SD16 will certainly not stick around to take care of him- in two years, she's going to college, and will only call for money, so I hope he'll be happy with their sick relationship. (Oh yes I did!). Believe me, after this weekend, I was beyond hurt and heartbroken and had enough of being second.

This weekend is Parents Weekend to visit SD18 in DC. All the kids are going with us...except SD16. She's staying with a friend all weekend because of school activities, which is just fine with me, because at this point I don't want to be anywhere near her. We'll probably have a much better time without her anyway, as she usually bring everyone down with all her drama and whining and sullenness.

Now I just have to make sure DH shuts down the drama from her so she doesn't ruin our weekend from several states away. And believe me, she's quite capable of doing just that.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis