The site was down and then I had to travel for work. So much has happened here, I don't even know where to start!
Husband sent an e-mail to BM reiterating the fact that he wants visitation with SD15. He has only seen her three times since school let out in May and she went to live with BM. Less than 15 minutes after he sent the e-mail SD called telling him she hated him and he's giving her mom stress. Since then, husband has not heard from SD.
Last weekend husband drove to the meeting point. No BM or SD. He drove all the way to BM's house (an hour away). No one was home. So he turned around and drove back and filed a motion for temporary visitation with the court. We've pretty much given up on dealing with this cordially.
SD is such a little b%^*). And yet husband continues to blame BM.
So sorry to hear that, Elizabeth
I was just thinking about your DH and why he's continuing to blame the BM in all of this.
Maybe it's just a defense mechanism? Perhaps it's just too painful for him to admit to himself (or to you for that matter) that his own daughter is making this choice not to be a part of his life. I mean, what a horrible realization for a parent. Especially if she was once "daddy's little girl". That's gotta just break his heart.
My DH is slowly making this same realization and it's just killing him. Maybe your DH is just trying to protect himself.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Elizabeth -we are going
Elizabeth -we are going through the same thing. About a month ago SD 15 did something really horrible to me - won't go into details here but she has refused to apologize to me and as a result my DH will not allow her in our house and she is now out of our wedding on 11/1. I know that he is struggling with this realization that she will never apologize and will never again come over.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
I pointed it out
Since SD15 left the house, I have been trying to both support husband and get him to see SD's responsibility in all of this. It has been slow going. All he will do is admit that she's spoiled. But he still says BM is the problem. I think it is a defense mechanism so he doesn't have to admit that SD is/has a problem.
When he said he hadn't heard from SD, I said, "Maybe she's ashamed of her actions." Like trying to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is avoiding him because she's ashamed of her behavior. He just said, "I doubt it."
Now what's going to happen is that we're going to end up paying CS and he's still not going to see SD. Because CS and visitation are separately enforceable. BM will be getting the check and still not letting husband see SD.
Oh honey
Boy can I relate to you guys. My SD 17 has done similar things several times to my DH but we have been able to rein her/BM in by not taking our visitation and thus not giving all the gifts, plane tickets, etc. that come with it. That seems to be the only thing that gets SD's attention I am sorry to say, and would like to think it is because she wants to see us but that may be slightly generous. But we are forced to vote with our wallet because BM allows her to do anything, and I mean anything, she wants to do and if we object we are 'the man keeping her down'.
This is not ideal in any way, except that we may be able to afford to buy beanie weanies, literally. Times are very tough in the mortgage industry we are both in, duh.! But DH does not get to see his daughter, we have only seen her once since Christmas (she lives 5 states away because BM drove him out of the state). My SD wants him to move back there, well he isn't. SD will be an adult soon and to be in BM's reach is hell on earth.
But SD I believe thinks she can force him to move by acting out, flunking school, running with gangs, etc. But the truth is that BM always tries to have him thrown in jail if he misses child support and with a commission only job, you don't get paid every month, sometimes not for several months in a row, so he gets behind and we can't afford to save up about $8K to get started where they are, plus have BM in our face and SD running wild, they both love drama. So we don't know what to do, but in the past year there have been periods when they refuse to speak to him or vice versa for several months and it looks like we are headed into another one.
My SD seems to think she is the star of some movie where you can do the dumbest, most dangerous things and somehow at the end you are 'saved' by someone. Well unfortunately DH cannot save her from some of this stuff, no one can but her. The movie seems to be kind of like 'Parent Trap/the worst hood movie you ever saw'. That's what I mean, there is a reality clash between how they see their lifestyle and how it actually is. We have begged to have SD for years now but BM says, 'you will never take my child from me'.
I am so sorry you are going thru it too but I am here to listen and I do understand. It will break your heart.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
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