I think this whole situation with my sd is actually ruining my family. There is a none stop borage of nasty e-mails from her bm. They never, never stop. It’s one thing after another. And today the bitch actually had the nerve to bring my toddler daughter into it. I cannot handle this influence on my child. And my husband, while he says he sides with me, never stands up about any of it. My sd is his adopted daughter, and even he cannot give one thing about her that is enjoyable anymore. She truly is her mothers daughter. Lies, violence, sassy, under developed mentally (almost failed kindergarten). It is the only thing we fight about.
First, her newest attempt is that things are not fair. That rules are not the same, that my 1 year old daughter is not punished in the same manor as a 7 year. I never touch my sd, that is not my place. I do send her to her room, or the corner. I do teller her if she is bad, but never do I touch her. And rules are different when you have a toddler and a 7 year old. Seriously, is she that stupid? But the fact is that my sd is never punished in the bm’s house, there are 0 rules, 0 consequences. That way it’s more fun there right? That way she will choose her over use, I guess its some great competition. I though we were jointly raising a child, my mistake.
Second, she is attempting (again) to brainwash the child into thinking she doesn’t want to come here for visits. BM tells us that the child doesn’t want to talk on the phone (we live out of state), that she hates us, that she cries when she has to talk. And now that she does not want to visit for Christmas. We are scheduled for the Christmas break this year, and travel is split 50/50 for the child. BM doesn’t want to take time of her job to travel with sd after Christmas. She is in her late 30’s and works at a store that sells scented soap, works there, nothing more what an over achiever. She wants to have us give the sd to her newest boyfriend at the airport to travel home with. A man we have never met, sd never talks about, and the flight will travel over another country, diverting there is anything happens. I don’t think so! So if she can convince us to have new years again, then she doesn’t have to take any time off work. The sad part, sd spent last Christmas with a sitter.
At this moment, I cannot see the value in it all, to me this child is not worth the anguish that she brings to so many people. I know it sound absolutely horrible that I even say it. But this child and her mother are the cause of so many problems in this house. I just wish that there were a solution. I guess I’m mostly venting. If the solutions were easy to find this website wouldn’t be here.
Don't feel bad about how you feel...
Yes, it is the BM, not so much the child. But the control issues concerning the child are affecting your family...big time. Is your DH willing to blow off Christmas? I think documenting how BM wants SD to travel, etc...is important. I agree with you -- at this time there is probably no value in forcing her to come see you. You have to be sure SD actually does not want to go, and then...maybe blow it off this year. As far as rules for your toddler daughter...BM CANNOT question how you parent her...no way, no how.
I could have written your post..
Seems like that was how it started with me. Honey, time to put your witches hat on, and I don't mean for Halloween. If you don't have one, mine is big enough for the both of us.
I know exactly how it feels to be in your shoes, it's not a great feeling. I hope that one day it will be better. Keep venting, it will make you feel better.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Nope, kid doesn't get to choose
You need to stick to the visitation rules and not back down. Allowing SD to choose is a terrible idea for any kid younger than 12, I think. And SD is way too young to have her choice factored into it at all. Insist that she comes, insist on your phone time, and take BM to court if she continues to interfere with dad's parenting time.
I'm sure that to DH, the child is worth every bit of effort and every scrap of time he can squeeze out of the visitation calendar with her. It's BM getting on your nerves, not the child; she's just the unfortunate messenger. She's the visible symbol of BM and her antics. You need to step away from having anything to do with BM; she is your husband's problem, not yours. He needs to deal with her emails by eliminating them, or tell her she is allowed one per day. If she violates this rule, block her access. Ditto for phone calls, and inform her that she will be on speaker phone, as will SD during your phone calls.
SD is not ruining your family. Honestly, neither is BM. You are giving her far too much power over your emotions and way of looking at/doing things. Take your power back, insist on spending the mandated time with your SD, and give DH the reins as far as dealing with BM in any and all situations.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
Christmas can be any time
BM's travel plan is completely out of the question, SD traveling with some unknown man? No. If she wants you to take her New Year's, just have Christmas with her then. That's what we do and it avoids a lot of fights and drama.
Yes, take control, insist on seeing SD since you do pay support unless it is just unbearable, and you will feel better once you cut BM down to size. It is your house, she does not run it, you do-!! and if she doesn't know that, your actions or words will tell her.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
the other sd 13 yrs old
my other sd 13 now hasnt been in contact with hubby for 7 years (but we have still paid child support) whatever the bm has said and did worked she refused to talk on phone , everything! The bm totally has wrecked hubby's relationship with both daughters.
Your problem sounds so much like what we went through. Except hubby couldn't handle it anymore after a couple of yrs he stopped asking to speak to her . It was just too hard. Now we are fighting again a new cs assessment for maintance as the amount is outrageous.
There is no reason for you
There is no reason for you or your husband to take the abuse. It is your life and you need to start living it on your terms. Life is too short to be fighting all the time. Put a block on the BM email don't read them anymore. If the SD wants write or to come and visit simply explain that there are different punishments determined by the age of the child. If she doesn't believe you simply turn on Nanny 911 or buy one of the many of thousand of books out there talking about dicplining children based on age. Leave the BM out of it.. she doesn't get to have a say. They aren't married anymore you are married to him with your own home and your own rules.
Post new comment