Well I am finally going back to FH's place back east (the house he is finally getting on the market this week - or i will seriously kill him) for the first time after being together for almost 3 years. I AM FREAKING OUT because I am meeting his Mom and Dad for the first time (cuz you know we are living in sin since we aren't married yet!) This is where his ex and SD live and HIS ENTIRE FAMILY. BM and he were never married and broke up before SD was born. The family did not care for her when they were together but was unhappy with my FH for not marrying her because they had a child together (what a bunch of nutcases) He didn't give a crap what his family said because he was trying to get the woman out of his house for a year and was dating someone else and he went out partying one night thinking it was his g/f (who drove him home) and it was his ex in his bed the next am - and he was so drunk he thought he had sex with his current g/f!!!!! CRAZY! When ex finds out she is pregnant and asks if he is going to marry her now he was like no I don't love you and I will NEVER marry you - crazy ex finally moves out! After saying she had no money no where to go, no friends, oh the apt I was trying to get fell through, my car broke down, whatever. SO ex was MIA from their lives for about 8 yrs. (SD is now almost 16.) Well one day she decides to go to their church (they are strict catholics)so now the family treats her like their DAUGHTER IN LAW. MY FH used to get contracts for work and move for a year here 6mths here and when he was gone the ex would always bring SD and hang out like she was part of the family. When FH was in town he would bring his daughter but she would always try to include herself - he would stick around for an hour or two for his kids sake - ignore BM and leave.
He told me from the beginning that he is not close to his family and hardly ever sees anyone when he goes out there except his daughter because he feels that they did not respect his wishes about leaving the ex out of the family (mostly his mom and 1 sister in law) and he does not have the same views/beliefs they have (again strict catholics). He did tell his mom that this is crap and she would just be like well BM has helped and brought SD around, etc. etc. To be honest I have hear him talk to his mom and brothers a couple of times but it was like he was talking to a stranger.
I can tell my FH is VERY NERVOUS. I think it is because I'm just so different that they would not accept me or if it is because the family already has their fake daughter in law? I am from area in CA (which according to them is filled with gays - which they had a son there who died of aids so apparently they DESPISE that place), hispanic and not religous but spiritual and I am very open to a lot of different views and beliefs (as long as they are not pushed on me) I don't know if the family actually likes the ex or what because I can not really get any info out of FH - I just know that all the cousins are the same age so the sisters and sister in laws get together with his ex to do things with the teenagers. Oh yeah and the BM is there EVERY THANKSGIVING/XMAS, for the past 7 years- whatever. HOW THE HELL am I supposed to compete with that? In counseling my FH said that he will give his mom plenty of advance notice that WE are coming for Xmas with SD and that she (his mom) is not to invite BM and that if his mom doesn't not finally respect his wishes - that is it we will not go back there PERIOD. The counselor said that his mom should respect his wishes especially now that he is finally in a serious relationship and it is time for BM to move on - if the family wants to visit with her they can do it after we visit - yeah we have read stories on here about HOW THAT WORKS OUT! HOW THE HELL DO I HANDLE THESE PEOPLE? A little help please???? WELL HELL HERE IS A THOUGHT IF SHE IS SO CLOSE TO HIS FAMILY I DON'T SEE ANY OF THEM GETTING HER A DAMN CELL PHONE (A LOTOF YOU WILL KNOW WHAT I MEAN!) Thanks - and no disrespect to anyone about religion or race I just kinda have a feeling these people are a bit racist if you know what I mean. Jeepers! Sorry this was loooong. xoxo ema
Go in with good intentions
Go in with good intentions in mind. Be yourself, and take it one step at a time.
If they dont like you, that is THEIR loss, not yours. You are a very nice person and they would be stupid to not see that you are meant to be w/your fh.
Good luck. Where back east? I live in MA. If you are going to be around, I can give you my number in case you need to talk!
Go in with good intentions
repeated.
Go and be yourself
Smile and be the wonderful person that we all know you are!
If they can't see past their own close-mindedness, then they will be the ones who are missing out.
Hold your head up, conduct yourself with the utmost of poise and grace, and they will not have anything bad to say about you. And even if they do (at that point) do you really care??? It only goes to show that THEY are the ones who lack true character.
Let us know where you are. I am on the East Coast as well (PA) and will be around to lend an encouraging ear if you need it
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Yup, good advice from both
Yup, good advice from both frustrated and 5teens, just wanted to add, REMEMBER you're there for a finite period of time. Your FH does not choose to have these people directly in his life for a reason, and you don't have to be best friends with them. If they don't approve of his life choices, that's no reason to take it out on you, nor should you feel like you have anything to be ashamed of or make up for. That might not be a conscious feeling, but it could easily permeate the attitude you bring to the table.
Nothing to the extreme that you are going through, but I had some issues with this with my Exs family. I NEVER EVER backed down from who I was, always with a smile on my face. Sure, it caused some awkward moments, and he WAS close to his family. They were weekend warrior catholics (which irks me more than devout actually) who had plenty of polite condemnation for my life choices and appearance, pointed questions and whatnot, but I always answered from the hip, straight no nonsense with a smile. They EXPECT me to be embarrassed or apologetic or ashamed, and I'll be damned if I let someone else make me feel that way.
My favorite was the question about my tattoos (I have about 30% body coverage) from my ex's grandmother she asked something like "aren't you concerned about what you're going to look like when you're old dear?" To which I sweetly replied "oh no not at all, you see the tattoos cover those ugly varicose veins SO beautifully!" *wink*. SHE was the one who was embarrassed after that. ;p
Good luck to you, just be secure in who you are, you don't need to prove you're better than BM, you already won, b/c he wants YOU!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
I wish I could go with you and be your personal.
Cheerleader !! You don't have to or will ever need to compete! You have been chose ! The family will either embrace their son's choice or they will deny both of you. You are not in this alone. Stay calm, stay positive and for goodness sake extra deodorant.....we aint gonna let them see you sweat !
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
You guys are so awesome - and yes I have Tattoos too!
Thanks everyone. I have 3 pretty big tattoos which you can't see unless I'm wearing a tank top or low slung jeans. Maybe that is how I should show up at the parents house! LOL. Seriously though I'm so pissed at my DH because I sent him and email today and asked him how goes progress on the house and he sent me a little snippy email list back of his accomplishments. I know he is going to drag this out some more and I have so much anxiety I am on the fence right now as to even if I want to go. I emailed him that and he said what do you mean and I replied well the only reason I am going is because our therpaist told you you had to - i know you don't want me there - and how terrible is it for me as your partner to feel excluded from your "other" life and not once have you said anything like I am glad you are coming EMA or I want to show you all the work I have done EMA - all his comments have been negative about everything - well if he hates all this so much why is he still doing it? It's ridiculous. It's like he goes there screws around on the house, sees SD here and there sees a couple of friends (who are busy with there own lives) and calls me 10 times a day. It's like his little project or safe haven. I swear sometimes I think he has a form of autisim or something cuz what kind of person throws $1500 away a mth on a house that they don't even live in? I'm sorry but I was not raised to be financially irresponsible and it makes me question our future - if we are going to have one at all. Very frustrating - counselor thinks he won't even admit he has this wierd attachment but after spending 30 minutes with her on the phone today freaking out she said well things are different now and you are going to see what is going on and for me not to leave until a realtor has walked through the house and papers are signed. He has had exactly one week to get things cleaned up even more (remember this has been going on for 2 1/2 years) and he has spent 1 week, 10 days, 3 days, etc., out there with the promise that it is almost done almost done, just some clean up. Well I'm sorry it doesn't take a friggin year to clean out your house. So guys this is make or break time for me and I will make my decision when we have our couples appointment a few days after I get back. I'm very angry, hurt, and resentful about the whole thing. And the sad part is that I haven't even missed him this week - I have enjoyed having the house to myself and seeing my friends a little more and taking my dogs out. How can I miss him when this shit has gotten OLD! Love you all and have a fabulous weekend.
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