Step Talk

First of all - welcome - many of us on here know all too well what you are going through. This woman must be truly despicable to make fun of your son - what a piece of work. I know how hard it is to feel like you are spinning your tires in no-win situation. Have you spoken to your fiance about his lack of support? I would explain to him that you need him to support you and back you up if your marriage is going to work. He is going to marry you - BM be damned!!

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Yes, I have spoken to him about his lack of support. He is one of those that will not make waves unless he has too. I just hate feeling like I am being run over all of the time. BM gets off on the fact that he doesn't stand up to her and she can behave however she wants. I do understand where he is coming from though she is bipolar she used to assault him when they were together and after they we divorced (she does it in front of the kids) and any retaliation from us towards her turns our life into a living hell for a couple of weeks every time guaranteed.

I am pretty new to this myself. I am sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time with this. There have been times I question myself whether or not it's worth it but fortunately for me, things are getting better. The ages that your SD's are at make it very hard. Teenage girls are the worst, IMO, and it surely doesn't help that they have a nutty BM that does anything in her power to make your life hell. Has your DH sat down and had a frank talk with these girls about their behavior toward you? If not, you really need to push him to do this and he needs to make it known to them that their behavior will not be tolerated and that there will be consequences when they act out and disrespect you. He should keep their feelings in mind too, and make sure they know that he loves them and in no way are you trying to take their mother's place or their place. You could also try to have a heart to heart with them and let them know how it makes you feel when they treat you bad.

As for the BM making fun of your son....that is just terrible. I believe people like this have a one way ticket to hell. My skids BM has tried to bring my son into this by trying to turn the skids against him, calling him names, and guilting my BF by saying that he loves my son more than his own and all that garbage. My son is only 5 years old. We sat the skids down and had the frank talk with them about this but mind you they are younger, ages 6 and 9.

I pretty much made my BF set boundaries with the BM. No telephone conversations, when she calls it goes straight to voicemail, if it is an emergency she can leave a message. I have absolutely NO contact with her. I have only spoken to her once and it was when she was trashing me and my son on the phone to BF, I grabbed the phone from him and went ballistic on her. I have no desire to even attempt to get along with her, I just refuse to have any contact with her whatsoever. I know she calls my BF sometimes when he's at work to be a bitch and chew him out for something or the other to do with the skids, it bothers me but I am much more sane now that I put my foot down and stopped the calls when I am around. If I were you whenever she drives by your house I would seriously call the cops and tell them she is stalking and harassing you. There is no need for you to put up with this. When she calls and starts attacking, hang the damn phone up and then don't answer it again. If it is your DH that she calls, grab the phone from him and hang it up yourself!! Make it known that you won't tolerate it. This is what I had to do and it worked. She stopped calling when she figured out that she was not going to get away with it.

I had to tell my BF that I would NOT tolerate it and either he set boundaries with the witch,or I would walk. I told him I was not willing to live my life like that and it was up to him to do something about it. Your DH needs to do the same for you as far as the BM and your SD's. If anything, and you absolutely don't want to lose this man, then you guys should go to counseling and lay it all out. I am truly sorry for you and hope things get better! Keep us posted.

Bm must be really insecure if she's stooping so low as to make fun of your son.

If your fiance won't stand up to the Bm and try and get her to stop her behavior, then he at least has to stop his kids from being ugly to you in your house. He can't let that one go.

Dawn

First of all,let me tell you that we share a common bond as my 18-yr-old son also has Down Syndrome, so trust me- I KNOW exactly what you go through

That being said, and reading your story carefully, I would have to think LONG AND HARD about marrying this man and into all this dysfunction. Trust me (and all these wondeful ladies on this site) when I say this- if you do not have his FULL SUPPORT now and it feels like his ex got his "privates" and his spine in the divorce settlement as well because he cannot stand up to her, then this is a HUGE reg flag and a sign of more serious things to come!!!

Second marriages with children involved are terribly complicated. I know because of the special situation with your son, you may feel in the back of your head that "no other man would want to be with me because of this..." But you do not need to settle for this dysfunction with his disrespctful children and awful exwife.

Making fun of your beautiful son? Would you tolerate that kind of behavior from any other stranger? I don't think so! I thinking that you'd have your "Mamma Bear" claws out and ready to attack anyone else who would DARE say things like that about your precious son! So WHY does this awful person get a pass???? And why does your fiancee let her?

His excuse- and I hear it all the time "he doesn't want to make waves" when it comes to the BM.

Well, my dear, YOU are now his #1. And he needs to know that! And when someone hurts or disrespects YOU or your son, then he needs to not only make waves, he needs to cause a TSUNAMI!

Something to think about

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

His excuse- and I hear it all the time "he doesn't want to make waves" when it comes to the BM.

fiveteensathome is 100% correct! My husband used that excuse -all- the time, so for 4 years I not only agreed to have the BM do whatever she pleased, I would even let her stay in our home for weeks on end! All because my husband would beg me stick with him because he didn't know what else to do. And she, too, has a mental illness. In truth, he finally did realize that either way, she was going to control us or we were going to take back control, and he told her that staying here would not be allowed anymore, but it took the culmination of MANY, MANY things to make him finally take action.

Here's the main point, though -- you really don't have any control over MAKING -him- do something. But absolutely you can set ground rules.

For example:

1. Don't pick up the phone when she calls, for any reason, under any circumstances. STAND YOUR GROUND on this one.

2. Communication should ONLY be between your fiancee and the ex. HE might be used to her verbal abuse, but YOU don't have to put up with it.

3. Either have her phone calls identified with a specific ring, buy or rent a caller i.d., anything that will identify her. Block unidentified callers from your cell phone and house phone.

4. Don't try to be nice. People may disagree with me on this one, but I would definitely NOT try to have anything to do with the schooling, functions, pictures, NOTHING until you know for sure that she will not use it against you. Polite but firm.

5. Nip the name-calling in the bud. Make it clear that NO ONE gets to call ANYONE names in your household and that each time they call you a name they will be sent into isolation immediately or some other IMMEDIATE consequence. Tell your husband that this is a reasonable request whether they are your kids or other people's children and that you expect him to back you up on something that is just common decency!

6. TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN FIRST. So often the step-parent gets so drawn into the drama of their spouse's ex and their step-children that their own bio-children are overshadowed. This is an absolute tragedy. Keep your own beautiful child first and foremost until you know with CERTAINTY that when you are finally married your husband will consider you a UNIT.

7. Don't marry him until every single doubt or shadow in your mind has been talked over exhaustively. I drove my husband crazy asking question after question and hammering out the details of our life together 4 months before we got married. But there was no way I was going to give my hand if I didn't have reassurance that I was not entering a world of abusiveness, guilt, anger, frustration and imprisonment.

8. Go to therapy or at least pre-marital counseling. Remind your husband that he has been used to the X's behaviour for so many years that he literally doesn't know up from down and right from wrong anymore. You aren't crazy.

9. I highly suggest reading the poll asking people if they would marry their spouse again if they could do it over. I also highly suggest reading the "step-parent's bill of rights".

10. If you decide to stay, you can complain about it all you want (that's what this site is for!) but you CAN'T say you didn't know what you were getting into, or the life you are choosing for your child.

You CANNOT change her, and you will be stuck with her forever. This really doesn't start sinking in until you've dealt with her for about 5 years, IMHO.

Bygones. Move on. Leave it behind. Let go. Make lemonade out of lemons. Walk it off. Laugh instead. Change what you can, accept what you can't.

How many other ways can one say, "Life is too short!"

PlayBoyMommy,

Don't let the evil witch control your life. Make absolutely sure that your BF has clarity on this before you get papers with him.

What kind of petty evil person would target any child much less one with a disability is beyond my ability to comprehend.

When I was going through my own difficult teen years I was venting to my Dad about my Mom at some point after Mom and I had been in an argument. He looked me dead in the eye and said "you will not talk to or about my wife in that manner". At that point she was not MY Mom she was his Wife and I knew that I had passed the point of acceptability. I got the message and never ever spoke disrespectfully about either of my parents again. Your SO needs to learn that phrase and use it liberally with his kids WombDonor.

Don't bother being nice with the your Skids WombDonor (and with issues like you describe that is all she is ..... a womb). My SS's SpermDad is the male equivalent of your Skids WombMom. WORTHLESS!

In fact with the character flaws and issues you describe there are plenty of leverage points that can be used to kick her ass (figuratively of course) in court. Take every one of them and insist that your SO nail her to the wall. Document, document, document and record every conversation you can with her. Then play her voice back in court. (if recording your own calls is legal in your state .... it is in Texas and you do not have to notify the other party that the conversation is being recorded).

Your SO needs to understand that he can look out for the best interest of his girls and force the evil witch back in to the hole she belongs in. It is not easy to do with our moronic Family Law Judges but it can be done.

If your BF does not have the stones to deal with her you for sure do not want to marry him. When there are kids involved Ex's never go away.

As for being nice ...... be nice until it is time to not be nice. And it is far beyond any possibility of being nice. IMHO.

All just my thoughts and opinion of course.

Good luck and best regards,

Hey chica - first of all welcome. Let me tell you when I read your post I was totally appalled that you and your son are in this environment. You can not control BM's behaviour but your FH needs to control his. They are divorced and his only obligation is to support his children and be there for them. BM should not even be in the equation. YOU are his partner and his future wife. That i don't want to make waves is BS. I just went through this with my FH and I was ready to kick him to the curb and my last ditch effort was going to couples counseling. My Fh had just become used to BMs behaviour and did not want to make "waves" because he figured it was easier to just try to get along. Our counselor pointed out that I am his partner his relationship was over x years ago and EMA is your concern only. The BM acts this way because your FH is allowing it and not only is BM disrespecting you but sorry to say so is your FH. Go to couples counseling as quick as you can and work with your FH to set up boundaries. Your Fh has to do the work here - you haven't done anything wrong. In our case it was stopping the phone calls - BM would call 50 to 60 times a mth about NOTHING just because she still wanted to control my FH. Finally he understood with the help of a 3rd party that he was messing up big time. We wrote out what we were going to say and he called BM and told her unless it is an emergency about SD or a health issue do not call me. If you leave me a message and it is neither one of those I will not call you back. If you call me and it is not an emergency I will hang up. Let me tell you he has stuck with it and BM is beyond pissed but what do we care. YOU are the most important person in his life and if he can not stick up for you and HIMSELF then he can be the sweetest guy in the world but you will wind up being miserable. trust me. Put your foot down and put it down hard. He needs to straighten out his kids to and you both need to present a united front. Don't take any crap from those kids because trust me it will only get worse. You take care of yourself and your son. Also - we all choose what we will do and therefore I am only just giving you my opinion because I have gone through a similiar situation with a crazy BM. Good luck to you.

I know how u feel with your son, mine is intellectual delayed.
And i dont stand for anyone saying anything about him.
About your situation you do have choices? You have only been together 4 yrs , i've been here for 13 yrs and if i knew all the crap that was to come i would of pulled out yrs ago. Do you think you can handle all this for another fours? When these sk's are in your house you deserve the respect. Its your house!
You need to stand up for yourself now otherwise u will walked on like this all the time. Goodluck!

I just want to thank everyone for your advice. It has given me a lot to think about. It is nice to know there are other people going though the same things.

I just want to thank everyone for your advice. It has given me a lot to think about. It is nice to know there are other people going though the same things.