We were out of power due to Ohio's Ike like experience

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We were out of power due to Ohio's Ike like experience

Submitted by Sita Tara on Mon, 09/15/2008 - 10:16pm.

I posted a little of this on GC's post, but thought I'd toss it out there on my blog in case anyone (Thanks Bella!) was thinking of me.

We have been without power since yesterday at 5pm thanks to a Hurricane Ike inspired wind storm (only 50 plus MPH for us compared to what the real hurricane victims got. TONS of damage and the kids were off school today (well yesterday technically by the time I post this.)

Still no internet today, though thankfully the power did eventually come back on. AFTER we checked into a hotel room. I took a 95 dollar shower tonight. I am staying on in the room with BD 2, since we paid for it. I really thought that would mean I got to visit my ST friends for a little while on the hotels free internet hook up. However, it's almost midnight and BD 2 is refusing to go to sleep. Therefore, I may be forced to go lay down with her and after the day I've had I will pass out. So I MAYBE on for a while, then off again. And since the cable/internet is still out at home, I may not be back on here for days.

Oh- since I had NO TV, internet, ability to shower or use a toilet without trying to tap into the hot water tank for a bucket full to flush it, I did find out today that I have LOT of anger I'm distracting myself from. A LOT I am suppressing. I was VERY irritable to SD, our new puppy, and BD 2 today. They were all whiny, clingy, and I couldn't read a book, or take a nap. I also couldn't do my weeding, or laundry, or clean or anything else that usually distracts me.

And all that stress is showing up in my health and in my face (it was pretty clear the five weeks SD was in CA, and since has gotten increasingly worse. Once again, I am a before pic on a proactive commercial.)

Ahhh.... BD 2 is finally dozing off.

Respite.

SIL wrote a beautiful, thoughtful, praise filled mixed with good advice about making good choices and appreciating her parents etc letter. SD didn't chose to share it with us. I found it on the floor of her room when I went in to close her window.

I was impressed with the letter. It's just like the ones I used to thoughtfully compose to her before she started ripping everything from me up.

I am sure I will have more to say on all of it...but I am so tired of focusing on her. And it's not going to let up anytime soon since she now has to follow up with a new psychiatrist and essentially start all over. At least her psychologist is sending all her notes and a detailed letter of her thoughts on SD's diagnoses of emerging BPD/BP. We are getting closer to it being official. Then we will have the psychiatrist guide us through how to tell SD.

Ugh

Did a writing exercise from my new book, Life is _a Verb by a friend of our family. If anyone can't google it and is interested let me know as I don't want to write too much on here and have searches for her end up on ST. (happened to me when a poet I knew died and I posted her name on here.)

Anyhoo, I'm doing this focused writing exercise, where you aren't supposed to edit, lift your pen, or stop writing for a certain amount of time. And the whole thing was filled with all my anger. I will have to go back and read it to see if there was anything worth while in it. I am wondering if I am just forever denying my anger because it's too ugly and uncomfortable, and that all my polyanna posting about giving another try for helping SD over and over is stifling my growth, both as a woman, and a writer.

Like I'm not being honest with myself, so I can move past it.

Just thought it was interesting after doing that exercise. I can't even do a focused writing exercise that doesn't become about SD!

Or perhaps it's because I couldn't come here and let it all out so I felt more angry than usual.

Don't know.

Just know, I'm so tired of waiting for my life. I have been in one form of waiting or another my WHOLE life. When/how do I stop that!?!?

Ok, that's more info than I planned on dropping out in ST land for one evening. Take your time digesting all of that, since I don't even know if I'll be able to be back on any time soon.

Hope everyone is well in ST land!

Sita Tara's blog

Tired of waiting for my life.......

Submitted by KeeKee on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 6:07am.

boy do I understand that statement.
I just had this conversation with DH last night. I am so tired of putting my life and my relationship with DH on hold because of the fall out from what SD does and the terrible choices she makes.
My relationship with DH has suffered massive bleed-out from the years of dealing with this shit and we are supposed to be working on getting "us" back on track but he is so angry and in so much pain over his daughter that it seems that its just not that important to him. I have a lot of empathy for what he must be feeling but the well is starting to run dry.
He and I can't keep using SD as an excuse any longer for not living our lives and being happy. Unless something drastic happens, this continual drama is going to be a constant in SDs life and I dont think we can keep dealing with it the same way we have been for the last 11 years. That is what I meant when I said to you a while back about everyone sinking with SDs ship. Why does everyone else's lives have to be ruined because of the choices another person makes?
He and I have been in counseling, on and off, for the last four years. He can regurgitate and understand what advice has been offered over the years but when it comes to actually putting in the effort to make life better for himself and our relationship he fails miserably.
At 44 years old, I am now considering cutting my losses and doing what I need to do to get peace and contentment in my life and no longer having SD as the sole focus of MY life.

Do you ever wonder

Submitted by Sita Tara on Wed, 09/17/2008 - 8:00am.

If men are just happy with less?

Give them some sex, some food, a good sports game with a beer and they are completely content. That would be the perfect day to my husband. He wants a new job, he goes out and gets one. He doesn't like that one? He goes and finds another.

He doesn't sit and dig so deeply into why he's here on earth, like I do. He doesn't contemplate daily why he can't be happy with what he's been given like I do, or why he is constantly letting people walk on him like I do.

I just think they are better at this life compartmentalizing and living in the moment than we are.

I would love to live in the moment. And while I was single, I had about 2 and a half years where I really did that. Then I fell in love and was waiting for him to make changes necessary to come to me. Eventually he decided the sacrifice was too great. Then I was waiting for my heart to heal.

When I met DH I was ready to take my life back and I did. Then the BM/SD crap and I was waiting til we had full custody. Then waiting for SD to settle down into that normalcy. Now waiting for her to get treatment, to comprehend that she is in need of help. Or waiting for her to grow up and get out, which also means my sons will be gone as well, and I don't want to wish their childhood away.

Nothing more to add here, but this waiting game is one that we women play more than men I'm afraid. They just go about living while we're waiting.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Yep

Submitted by Harleygal on Wed, 09/17/2008 - 8:14am.

They're much simpler creatures than we are that's for sure.

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

Oh Sita - I was so glad to

Submitted by SerendipitySM on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 6:49am.

Oh Sita - I was so glad to hear from you - we were getting worried about you. I'm sorry that you're out of power. We had a lot of rain over the weekend up here but not too much wind. All I can say is that I can relate to the rest of your post all too well myself...

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

Sita...

Submitted by Stepmom_C on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 7:28am.

I'm with you on the "before" ad for Proactive. You are cracking me up. Not sure what it is but I'm so tired of fighting my face - I'm 36 years old with acne like a teenager. I can feel your pain Smiling

Glad to hear that you are

Submitted by frustratedinMA on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 7:40am.

Glad to hear that you are ok.

Dont worry about your feelings, you are human, and therefore entitled to them. I also try and have a polyana view on life.. Its so disappointing when it doesnt live up.. ya know.

Enjoy your hotel room w/bd2.

sita!

Submitted by bellacita on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 7:56am.

hi girl! glad to hear youre okay...i WAS worried! i really think u need to stop using all ur time and energy on SD and focus it inward, on urself...maybe a PT job would be nice?? like a wine consultant Eye-wink honestly though, youve done enough, and u will continue to do more, but stop waiting for ur life to change and make the change. peace sista!

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Mental Health Day

Submitted by ema on Tue, 09/16/2008 - 2:00pm.

Boy can I relate to what you are saying "Waiting for my life to start". I actually woke up at 4a.m. just thinking about all the crap with the BM and my FH's inability to move on with his home back east and I was so incredibly TIRED that I called my job and said I had a major migrane and didn't go to work today. I actually didn't even crawl out of bed til noon and since I am not used to being home on a weekday i have no idea what to do with myself. My Fh is out of town this week getting his house on the market - supposedly - we will see if it really happens this time (after BS me about it and dragging it out for 2 1/2 years) and the whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach because he has been so financially irresponsible with the whole thing. Never rented it out and it has just been a money pit sucking him dry and even our counselor thinks he won't admit that it is his last tie to SD15 and that he is feeling guilt. From what I can see SD15 could give a rats patootie. I also know that while he is back there that BM will be trying to speak with him constantly or come by or whatever and it is absolutely burning me up inside because I have no idea what is going on. I will be out there on this weekend though and I'm sure he is freaking out. All I know is that from the conversations that I have had with my FH is that he is spending a lot of time running around for SD and we all know that he is being directed by the BM. For example he picks SD, her b/f and friends up from school while he is there and then friday we were talking and SD calls and says mom says you NEED to drop us off at the football game tonight so he says yes. Well he lives 30 minutes away so he is to pick everyone up, stay up for a couple hours then come back pick everyone up again and drop everyone off (cuz heaven forbid he stays there at the game the kids don't want him there)when BM lives 5 minutes away but can't get off her lazy ass and do it. When I questioned him if he even know there was a game he said no. He said well I haven't been around much in the last 2 years to do these kind of things so I should be doing them - my FH does not talk like that so I know that came straight out of BM's mouth. I too feel like WHAT THE HELL ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT US? WHAT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP? HOW COME I DON'T GET TO CONTROL YOU LIKE THAT (not that i would want to) When is BM going to back off, when is the control going to stop, when is the house going to be sold so we can be better $$$ wise and do the things we want to do. When can we FINALLY put all this behind us and have our own god damn life without all of FH's baggage??? And trust me I had no idea of all this crap when we got together. I just turned 40 and my son is grown so can't I just have a partner that we can share, grow, and have fun together. Sorry to jack your post or anything put I just wanted to throw that out there that a lot of us feel like we are waiting too!!!! Thank god I can vent here!

Easy act to follow sometimes means

Submitted by Sita Tara on Wed, 09/17/2008 - 7:51am.

We get what's left.

I have always been thankful that BM is such a crazy bit@h, because it usually takes a lot more to set DH off. USUALLY. But since we are all stressed due to SD's constant need for attention, to project her anger at us so she can feel better, etc, we all have short fuses these days.

The thing is too, this is my second marriage to a man who's first wife was neurotic, crazy, bitchy, needy, attention seeking...and there are so many times that I do something small and get a reaction like I acted like one of those wives. My first H did this too, always putting my needs second and always complaining I didn't do enough for him because his first wife was a taker and I was a giver. So he decided it was his turn to take.

DH doesn't do that, does try to put my needs first, but let ME complain or be annoyed at something and he goes off and snaps my head off. If I voice that I feel that no one is helping me, he snaps at me like I am a child. It happened last night. 8:30, I'm cooking dinner alone for six, everyone, especially SD, keeps coming in, asking what's for dinner, not offering to unload and reload the dishwasher since we hadn't been able to do dishes in days, not offering to take care of the dog or feed her, just hanging out waiting for me to do it all.

DH was in the office paying bills, likely seeing I spent 300 bucks at Walmart restocking our fridge and on some jeans and shoes for BD 2 and myself. We have been shopping a lot due to school starting and BD 2 growing, and me SHRINKING (thankfully). At Walmart. Not even at Kohls for the most part, except for my sons back to school things which were a couple hundred bucks. But most importantly NOT at the MALL or other expensive places.

I don't blow money all the time, BM did. So when we go through a lot of it in a month due to circumstances (like going out of town for his reunion, and buying some clothes to wear to that etc) he freaks. Like he's "reliving" BM's spending sprees that sent them into tens of thousands of dollars in debt. BM who spent all his four month tax free income (or hid it because she was planning on leaving him) so that when he came back from deployment and tried to withdraw 40 bucks for dinner their bank acct said "insufficient funds."

I think it's hard sometimes to be the "nice" wife. The one who tries to be so understanding all the time, because our H's think they don't have to work as hard with us, that they can over react and we won't explode like their ex would have.

DH did apologize to me later. But there was a pause as he was waiting my apology. I gave it as this, "I'm sorry that you thought I was attacking you. I wasn't. And I snapped back when you snapped at me."

I am tired of apologizing when he has misinterpreted something based on his experience with his ex. It doesn't happen often, but often enough. I remember once, early in our relationship hearing, "You ALWAYS do that" From him, and responding, "I haven't been around long enough to ALWAYS do anything."

Ok...DH vent over. I don't do it often, and I hate to because he could get on here and read it, but I guess like he says about SD trying to read my posts, if you read something and it makes you angry, perhaps you shouldn't have gone looking in my safe haven.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra