I knew it would. Last night my husband informed me that he wanted me to make more of an effort when SD15 is there because the main reason BM is giving in papers for minimizing our custody of SD is me. In other words, because I don't kiss SD's butt enough she doesn't want to come to our house.
That ticked me off. I am the only one who won't put up with SD's BS, and because of that I am the bad one?! SD treats stepdad as bad as she does me, and SD told my husband that a couple of years ago BM had a talk with him and now he's much better. Then BM suggested my husband have that talk with me. She said he should just tell me, "This is how it's going to be." I don't think so!
My husband and I ended up in counseling to save our marriage, and the counselor said 90 percent of our problems had to do with SD. She told my husband he needed to take charge of SD's behavior, make her respect me and treat me politely and courteously. Then I could respond in kind. Well, she hasn't done that, so I now do not interact with her at all if I can help it. Last three-day weekend she only spoke to me once, when forced to by her father. But I am supposed to treat her how, exactly?
I'm fuming a bit about this. If I speak to her I get treated to screaming, yelling disrespect. If I don't speak to her, I'm mean.
Oh Elizabeth, you poor
Oh Elizabeth, you poor thing, you seem to be in a no-win situation with this kid. I would stand your ground with your husband. This is his kid and you have already done everything you can for her only to receive nothing in return. When are these men going to understand that we as SM are not obligated to do anything for their kids - we do because we choose to. Are we supposed to just stand by and allow ourselves to be treated like crap? I don't think so!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
omg
Do we have the same SO or What????!!!
unfortunately crayon...
i think the vast majority of us here do
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
this is ridiculous
i woudl suggest an emergency counseling session for the 2 of u. obviously, hes not listening to what the therapist is saying. i woudl hold ur ground, remind him of what she said, tell him exactly what u told us here, and not give in. hugs. this sucks. why cant these dads see that sometimes their kids ARENT perfect?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Oh god Elizabeth.. I cant
Oh god Elizabeth.. I cant believe you are getting blamed now. WTH. I agree w/Bellacita, go back to counseling, so the counselor can set him straight.
A 15 yr should NOT be dictating CRAP!
He just doesn't get that
He absolutely DOES NOT get that the child should not be dictating behavior to the adult. Since she was little he has allowed SD to reprimand him and basically control his behavior. And since it is OK with him, it should be OK with me. Well, it's not! I tried interacting with her, only to be treated like dirt. I still get treated like dirt, but it affects me a lot less now that I no longer care about SD. I told my husband a long time ago he can't have it both ways. Either I "parent" SD and that includes discipline along with affection, or I disassociate and she gets neither. They don't like it either way!
End the stress!
Elizabeth, do SOMETHING (if the counselor helped, go there!) now,
or you are going to end up with a LIFETIME of this should you choose
to remain with him. The stress you must be enduring on a daily basis
is NOT GOOD for you. I totally agree with you; you MUST STAND UP to her, you are doing her a MAJOR favor. If she talked to her boss or
to any other adult like she talks to YOU, there would be a problem.
A 15 year old should NOT be running the show, and I hope you do what it takes to get it through her bratty little skull. Hugs!
Exactly!
"A 15 year old should NOT be running the show" and in my case neither should a stb 10 yr old princess and the enabling BM! I wonder what it takes to get thru to these "parent by guilt" bio dads???!!
OMG....
are you kiddin me? What an ass! I cannot believe that your Dh actually blames YOU? I am in shock. My DH tried that crap only once w/me. I flat out told him that if he thought I wasn't a good SM, then he could leave. 12 yrs later, he's still here, and so is SD, now 16. What is wrong with these people? I feel for you!
Don't give in
No, no, no--this situation is nuts, and no way should you let the SD15 run your home, your marriage, or dictate your behavior.
Believe me--SD15 knows exactly what's going on, and she's watching carefully. This may end up being her big "win."
I concur that this requires an emergency counseling session with your DH to get the situation back into reality. You shouldn't be strong-armed by the BM and SD15 while your DH passively stands by and lets it happen.
That's not a marriage. That's a hostage situation.
HE informed YOU???
I'm fuming mad and it's not even my husband!! How about you inform him that HE needs to make more of an effort with you! Haul his dumb a$$ back to counseling and tell him to get his daughter under control, not all of you under her control.
No real advice here obviously, just sharing your outrage!
Elizabeth - hold your ground!
I am appalled - but not surprised. We have a similar situation where BM allows SD to be disrespectful and (in my opinion) downright insulting at times. I do not and will not let this slide. In the past three years that I have known SDs, I have seen a marked improvement in their attitudes and a decrease in the insulting comments. Even my husband's family has commented on the improvement. They know it will not be tolerated in our home (or that of my family). You need to be the positive influence in this girl's life! Hold your ground -- ultimately I do not believe she will sacrifice her relationship with her dad just because she doesn't want to "be nice." Certainly be nice to her when she visits, but do call her on her attitude when you see it and always hold your ground on this issue! Any excuses that justify her bad behavior will be to her detriment in the long run. I would encourage you NOT to hold a grudge when she visits for past wrongs -- once you (or your DH) have addressed it as not acceptable -- move on and start fresh. Eventually the message will sink in. This is hard to do (believe me, I know!). But the alternative is that your relationship with SD continues to deteriorate and resentment continues to build and your marriage suffers. Good luck!!!
Elizabeth- Stay strong
I am going through the VERY same thing with SD16.
I am the one who is to blame for all her problems. I am the mean one. I am the horrible, evil one who has ruined her life forever.
(But isn't it odd that I am also the ONLY one in her life who ever wanted to hold her accountable for her own actions and make her follow the rules, boundaries and consequences just like everyone else???) Coincidence? I think not!
As I spoke to my own therapist today, we had this very conversation. But my therapist made it clear to me that it is NOT SDs fault- entirely. Most of the blame lies with DH.
He is the one who needs to get HIS behavior in check. HE is the one who she is manipulating and responding to. HE is the one who lets her get away with EVERYTHING. SD is not a stupid child. She knows exactly what she's doing. She's playing right into his hand of spinelessness and guilt-parenting. And as soon as HE gets it under control and in check- SD WILL have no choice but to 'tow the line'.
All the power and change lies within your DH, unfortunately.
Same with mine. And we have two choices at this critical fork in the road:
*whack them in the head until they 'see the light' (where's Cru's frying pan?). No, I'm serious here. Really. This is make-or-break time. Put it out on the line that you will no longer accept this behavior in your household and they need to 'man up' and be a responsible parent for the good of their child; OR
*walk away- for the good of your mental health and for any other children you may have from other relationships. This toxic behaior cannot go unchecked any longer because it WILL affect the other children in the household in a negative way.
Anyway, I know exactly where you're coming from because I'm walking in your shoes every day. SD made a brief "I'm leaving and going to BMs" on Saturday when she and DH had a big blowup, but it took all of 2 days before she came crying back to daddy on Monday wanting to come back home. DH supposedly told her she could- with a new attitude- but I think we all know how THAT'S going to play itself out...
She'll be back on Sunday.
So trust me, Elizabeth...I KNOW.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
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