As I've posted before, my ss needs to learn to start being more responsible for himself and his things. He's 13 and should be more responsible than he is even though he has ADD.
Dh is always saying that ss is going to have to learn the hard way and fail at things that he wasn't responsible for like the trumpet practicing, homework, etc.
So, something else has come up and I am agreeing that ss needs to learn the hard way on this one but now Dh is getting wishy washy.
Ss was at Bm's this past weekend. He had a soccer game. He wore ALL of his soccer clothes, shin guards and cleats to Bm's house. We haven't seen his soccer stuff since. Ss has soccer practice tonight. He knows he has soccer practice tonight. I told Dh that we should tell him that he didn't make sure his soccer stuff came back here so he can't go to practice.
Dh is freaking out and wants me to tell ss(after he gets home from school) to call Bm and get her to bring the soccer stuff over here before practice.(I'll bet that the stuff wasn't even washed yet) So will that teach him a lesson? Shouldn't we make him miss soccer practice and stay home and say maybe practice the trumpet instead?! Then call Bm and tell her that ss had to miss practice because he didn't have his stuff. Maybe they will both learn something.(doubtful on her part, but you never know)
Maybe I'm just being mean.
Dawn
HHHMMM...
I would not ever tell you what to do, but this may be an option. Add? My daughter has ADHD and is controlled on medication. Even though medication helps, the ADD can and should be complimented by exercise and sleep... So, I think he should not miss soccer practice at all.. Regardless of whether he has his gear. He belongs to this group and belonging to something is important to 13 y/o. So, if he does not have the gear, maybe COACH can make him run (punishment + exercise). Maybe he will remember next time. If he calls bm to bring soccer gear over, great !! Then he will have dirty and smelly gear ! OK, I feel sorry for the kid running down wind, but that has no reflection on you. The whole music thing.......... After practice and dinner then maybe he can do some music practice, how soothing. I believe that you and dh are doing right for you SS. I sure wish that your DH will stick to his guns and not go wishy washy on ya, but that is why you are in his life, to help remind him that..
Hope that helps.....Let me know...
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Whatever happens, it will be
Whatever happens, it will be Dh that decides because I can't win for losing on this. I'm the one that always wants to try and avoid ss falling on his face. Dh is always saying "we can't always prevent things......and he has to fail to learn.......".
I just want to know which way it is going to be?
I'm not doing anything tonight but cooking dinner. I could also be persuaded to answer any homework questions that are addressed to me but that's it.
Dawn
Well, then..
DH may have a point... He actually sounds like my DH, but us girlies, don't want them to fall. (that's a girl thing)....
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Scoot over Dawn!!!
We're in the same boat.
My son forgot his baseball stuff this weekend at his dads and because it's a sport, dad is picking him up early today on the way to his game so he can drop off the equipment and uniform.
NOW, if it were homework? Daddy would tell him too bad. Then I'd be driving over to pick it up...because like you, I hate to see him fail AND I doubt he cares all that much when he does.
No wonder these kids' priorities are all out of whack...look at the mixed messages we send?
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You take one oar, I'll take the other....
In the grand scheme of things, missing one soccer practice isn't that big of a deal. It may be to ss but it's not gonna kill him, ya know. I would sooner have him miss this and learn a lesson than miss a homework assignment or bomb a test because he forgot to study.
Dawn
soccer practice update
I did tell ss that he had soccer practice tonight after we got home from the bus stop. He didn't say anything about his gear. When Dh got home he asked ss how he was going to practice without his gear. Ss said that Bm told him on Sat. after the soccer game that she would drop his stuff off. Well she didn't do that. So ss called her and told her he needed it now and asked if she could drop it off. Here's the good part. Bm wanted ME to come pick it up because she's not presentable enough to drive 3 min. from her house to our house and sit in our driveway until ss came out to get the soccer stuff form her car.
I said that I would NOT be picking it up. She's had the stuff since Sat. and has no excuse.
So now I guess we will be waiting for Bm to take a shower and get all fixed up to bring ss's soccer stuff here. Practice is only an hour long.
Oh, what do you know, Bm just pulled up. Oh my...........she really isn't presentable............ewwww!!
I guess he'll get to just be late to practice.
Dawn
Uh oh....
Bm didn't bring over the strap for ss's glasses. Ss called her back and sure enough, she's got it but she refused to bring it over and said that he will only get it if I go to her house and pick it up. Um, I didn't cause any of this and I don't want to go to her house because she can't be responsible.
I called Dh and he said that ss can't practice without the strap. So ss will be staying home and getting caught up on his trumpet practice.
Dawn
The good news is....
he'll have all of his work done in time to eat dinner and go to his martial arts class.
It'll all work out.
Dawn
HI - - YA !!
I wanna be a kung foo fighter.....
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
I had this very problem today and yesterday.
DH and I will do the laundry and have each of the kids 11.5 & 13 fold, hang and neatly put away their own clothing. Well laundry has been done since Sunday evening. The kids had been with BM for the weekend, so no big deal. Well Sunday night, they each get their clean clothes to put away. Somehow on Tuesday I discover that SS has not put his clothing away, just thrown them on the bed and when it was time to go to bed, threw them on the floor. So, that afternoon (Tues) I tell him that he needed to put the clothing away before practice. Well turns out it was later than I thought and since he rides with a neighbor and I pick-up, I gave him a pass and told him to do them when he got in from football practice.
For some reason I did not follow up and check behind him. BUT, today DH noticed that it still had not been done. SS tried to use the excuse that he had practice and "couldn't do it." Well DH then informed him that since he had had 3 nights to take care of it and still hadn't that he would not be attending practice. Well, SS then starts rushing trying to get it done and DH says to him "TOO LATE." That he should have done it when he was supposed to do it, now he was going to still do it and not attend practice today. Talk about being pissy.
I just loved the fact that it wasn't me having to be the heavy. DH is really getting the hang of discipline and follow-thru. Boy is that so sexy to me.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Don't want to be the heavy.....
It's so nice to not have to be the heavy. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen over here nearly enough!! Or I will have to point things out to Dh and then tell him to take care of it, which is almost just as bad.
Dawn
No Kidding..
My therapist told me that constantly being the 'enforcer' is very damaging to your self-esteem.
I cried when he said that because I knew he was right because I feel like I'm a shell of the woman I used to be because of this and other issues that arose as a result of DH and I not presenting a "united front".
Most of the time
Dh agrees with me and we would be a united front except for the fact that he doesn't pay attention or notice things that I do.
I swear I'm the only person out of the bunch(Bm, Dh, Ss and me) that doesn't have some form of ADD! I'm not kidding!!!
Dawn
Well from what I've read
Well from what I've read about ADD & ADHD, the child needs constant reminders of what to do/not do, even if they are on medicaion...so I would tell him to call his mother to bring over his soccer stuff and next time start reminding him days in advance to get his soccer stuff back if he wants to go to practice.
I think
that possibly ss didn't realize that his mom hadn't dropped off the soccer stuff. She told him that she would so of course he believed her. She's the one who dropped the ball. Did I mention that she has adult ADD. She was even on meds for it. I'm not sure if she still is. I'm thinking not. However, I'm not Bm's mother or even her stepmother so that means it's not my job to remind her. She needs to be a responsible adult and mother. If that means she has to make notes for herself, then she should do that. Whatever it takes.
Dawn
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