As I was still basking in the fact that ss got those 4 A's last Fri., I was afraid of what was to come from him being at Bm's house over the weekend. At the very least, he had to practice his trumpet 30min. Sat. and 30min. Sun.(they have to practice a total of 1 hr per week starting with Sun. and ending with Sat.) and reading some of his book for Reading. Dh called Bm earlier in the week to remind her of these things. They are the same things that he had to do last school year. Nothing has changed with band or the Reading thing.
When ss got home from school yesterday, I asked him if he practiced his trumpet. He said he practice it on Sat. I asked if he got his chart signed by his mother. Ss tried to beat around the bush and not give me a straight answer. I kept at it and finally got him to admit that he didn't get her to sign the practice chart and because of that he got an F in band for last week. He also didn't practice his trumpet at all on Sun. So now he is already behind for this week.
Dh and I made ss call Bm to discuss his lack of practice and his F for last week. Bm basically blamed the whole thing on ss. She said that he was old enough to practice on his own and ask her to sign his chart. Now, while that is true, still, if the kid isn't doing what he's supposed to do, the parent needs to step in and remind him. Ss still has ADD and needs some extra reminders. Bm also disputed that ss even practiced at all on Sat. She claimed to have not heard him practice. So they argued about that for awhile.
Ss claims that Bm is only worried about being on Facebook and Myspace and doesn't worry about his stuff.
So I guess we see the writing on the wall for this school year. Bm doesn't want to parent ss anymore. Ss will either get with it or fail at whatever he is supposed to be doing while at Bm's house. Ss seems to drop down to Bm's level in the responsibility dept. when he is at her house. I guess just because he can get away with it.
That really stinks.
Dawn
this does stink dawn
my FH's first wife woke up one day and didnt wanna be a wife and mother anymore and left him and their 2 boys and ive never understood how a mother could do that. same w ur SS's BM...kids arent all fun and games...they are work! how can a parent just push them aside when things get a little bit harder or more involved???
poor kid...like i said before, at least he had DH and U. uu are the mom BM could never be.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
You're up against it there
I don't have any good advice for you, just sympathy. When we had SD during the school year for the past four years, BM refused to make her do her homework on weekends. In fact, SD would leave her homework at our house, and BM would never follow through on it. And BM would sign anything SD asked her to. Like her reading log. SD would totally lie on the log and say she read things she didn't, and BM just signed it to make it easier on herself. Then she blamed us when SD got bad grades for not turning in her homework. In fact, one teacher continually commented on SD's report card and in e-mails to my husband that SD could have passed the class (she got an F) easily if she'd simply done her homework. What can you do?!
One Step Forward...
Two Steps Back.
Is there a way to set up a plan for SS to help him remember? Like he needs to practice for an hour EVERY Sunday night from 7:00 to 8:00 or something along those lines. Or maybe a watch that has an alarm that you could set that could remind him of when he needs to practice? My BS12 is ADD and if he has a routine in place and an exact time that he needs to do something...than he gets it done.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
The problem is, when ss is
The problem is, when ss is over at Bm's house, there is no routine. It is a constant state of chaos. The alarm thing might work but if they aren't home when it goes off, then that will be the end of that. Their schedule is so "out there". Sometimes they are first eating dinner at 8:30pm or 9:00pm. Over there, time is not important. Ss never knows what time it is so I don't think that he would pay attention to it being a time to practice.
Ss had all kinds of excuses as to why he didn't practice on Sun. including that his trumpet was in the corner of his room. Ok, whatever!
Dh had to take ss to a Boy Scout even on Sun. for a couple hours and even asked about the trupmet but ss acted like he had already done it.
I'm hoping that now that he got that "F", Bm is over there stewing and thinking that we think she is a bad mother. It's usually not about reality but what she thinks others think about her. Maybe she'll be afraid that the band director might think she's a bad mother and that will give her a little motivation.
The problem is, that ss knows that it isn't a priority to Bm so it becomes less of a priority to him until of course, he gets back here.
We'll have to see what happens the next time he goes to Bm's house.
Dawn
Maybe the band director
needs to call her and express his concern to BM. State that SS is not practicing only on the weekends that he's over there and if there is some sort of problem.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
I thought about that too.
I thought about that too. However, if this is brought to the band director's attention, I think Dh would have to do it. I wouldn't want it to look like the stepmom just has it in for the biomom. I'm just paranoid about that I guess.
I don't know.
Dawn
I'm not sure how well...
the school knows about your involvement...but I would think it would be fine and a respected request.
OR tell DH to make the call.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Sometimes when it comes to
Sometimes when it comes to school, Dh develops the ostrich syndrome. He doesn't want to tell the teachers the whole story about how Bm is. I'm not sure why.
Dawn
Your SS has to assume some of the responsiblilty
in this. He must understand on some level that he can't expect that his BM is going to step up and help him get the best possible education. It's sad, but it's also a very real fact of his life. As he gets older, others will not be sympathetic to his lack of responsibility.
I really feel for you because I struggle with this issue with my own BS16.
I think that your SS is 12/13??? I am not familiar with ADD and I dont understand how it changes the dynamics of your situation, but he needs to be responsible for himself because in the end, he's only going to have himself to rely on. Perhaps you could develop strategies that will help him remember what he needs to do and then make him accountable for the times when he isn't under your watchful eye.
Good Luck Dawn
That's what we have to do.
That's what we have to do. We have to get him to know that HE is going to have to be responsible for it. However, it may take a couple of F's before he gets the idea.
We hate to punish him for something that he did or didn't do at Bm's house but in this case, we may have to if he continues to blow off his practicing. Tryouts for seats will be coming up soon and I will be all over it.
Dawn
Is he in band b/c he wants to be?
This may factor into why he isn't putting forth a real effort.
He always seems to have fun
He always seems to have fun in band. He wanted to join in the first place. He has made some friends in band and it makes him feel like he belongs to something, whether he will admit that or not. It has been nothing but a positive for him. Ss is just not a real go getter. He also claims to love playing soccer yet never, ever gets a ball out and practices on his own.
He is more the type to sit in front of the computer or a video game instead.
Dawn
It is very difficult to influence actions in the other home.
Dawn,
When my SS was a toddler we attempted to deal with hygiene issues while my SS was on visitation to SpermDad's. He would come home with grunge behind his ears, half inch or longer finger and toe nails and diaper rash so bad that he had pustules on his butt cheeks and his anus was so raw it would bleed. He would howl when we had to clean him up. We had to take him to the doctor in order to get something to cut the sting so we could clean him up and address the sores and get an official before and after inspection of my SS's butt.
He could never decide how he wanted us to deal with the raw butt. "Blow on it Mom, Blow on it Dad, No don't blow, don't blow, it burns it burns". The whole situation left us emotionally devastated.
This happened several times over the two plus years it took to get him toilet trained. He would leave for visitation 85% toilet trained and come home in putrid diapers or pull ups. When we confronted them on it "Dad" and "GrandMa", or the ToothlessSpermDad and SpermGrandma as I refer to them, just said that they did not have time to keep taking him to the bathroom.....so they put him in diapers. HELLO MORONS! WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD. Grrr! Idiots tick me off. A nearly 4yr old should not be in diapers. IMHO.
When we went to court over the issue and presented pictures of his finger/toe nails, grungy scalp, dirty ears, butt pustules and hamburger raw anus the Judge just replied that kids get diaper rash, kids get dirty and this is not abuse. We even played a tape recording of my SS howling when we had to clean him up in the few days after visitation and submitted a statement from my SS's Pediatrician. None of it had any effect on the judge.
If that was not enough to tick of the Pontif, the judge then chastised us for waisting the courts time with our unfounded allegations. I was ready to play Judge WWF at that point. But I held my tongue........ for a change. But only after he threatened me with contempt for pointing out his asinine decisions.
I attempted to put a full page add in the local paper with the judges picture, a blacked out picture of my SS, a picture of SpermDad and his arrest record and a picture of my SS's bleeding butt sores with the captions "This Judge, forces this child, to spend time with this delinquent who causes these sores". Our former attorney received a call from the county to notify me that if the add ran I would be charged with defamation of character and something like Judicial Intimidation. I do not recall exactly the consequences I was threatened with. My intent was to state fact not impugn any one's character all using public information. The facts are the facts, I was just going to make the voting public aware of them. Our attorney counseled that even if I suffered no consequences for running the add that any future CS/Custody/Visitation action in front of that judge would likely not go our way. So .............. I chickened out.
Anyway, I understand how frustrating it is to have the opposing Bio-Parent undermine your rules and successes with the Skid(s).
The kids are the ones who suffer.
The only pleasure available when dealing with the opposition and family law courts is when you get to roll up the judgement and beat them about the head and shoulders with it while repeating "read the judgement MORON!". (Figuratively of course.)
Good luck and best regards,
I know what you mean
My ss's Bm didn't want to deal with toilet training him either. He was over 3 when Dh and I finally had enough and started the process of getting her to cooperate with us trying to train him. It was the same thing. She was too lazy to keep taking him to the bathroom or ask him if he had to go. So yes, diapers and pullups were used way beyond when they should have been.
Still to this day, Bm is still the same lazy person. She has a 4.5 year old daughter(not my Dh's) and one day when I went to her house to pick up my ss, I saw that girl at the door in a diaper!!! That's just crazy!!!
So yes, it just goes from one frustrating thing to the next as they get older but it's all about priorities and laziness if you ask me.
Dawn
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