We went to a Children's Hospital with SD at 11 o'clock last night. She cut herself again. This time with a razor. I was out with the boys for our local $1 theatre's 50 cent Monday night movies (for three or more people.) We planned on going to a lot of them with my sons gift card there he got from a baseball hit a thon fund raiser, but though the movie only cost us a buck fifty, the large popcorn, and three drinks maxed out the gift card!
Anyway, get home and as we're pulling in BS 13 says, "I hope DH and SD had good night alone together." Which is a reasonable thing to think since she blames me for everything and I wasn't home.
As I'm opening the door I say, "I wouldn't bet on it" to him and DH greets me with a terse looking expression and says, "We need to talk," which at first made me think I was the one in trouble. (I always think, "Did he get on ST and see something I wrote he didn't like????") But no, of course, it wasn't me.
He told me that he and SD had another fight, once again about how she hates it here, hates us, we are horrible parents, and everything is our (well mostly my) fault. She slammed things and broke things in her room again. Of course there's nothing left in there from me, so oh well. Then she wanted to take a shower and shave her legs. We had taken all her razors because of her declining mental state. He told her to give it right back when she was done and she replied, "I'm not going to do anything else with it!" in her usually indignant, "you're so friggin' stupid" tone.
He went in to check on her later and she had cut her arm, just like she did the other day on her other arm, when she claimed to have fallen (which of course we didn't buy at the time because she can't have a hangnail without announcing that she needs ointment, ice, advil, and bedrest.)
He wanted to take her somewhere, but I was afraid they would think we were over reacting because the cut wasn't very bad and didn't need any medical help. So I called the psychologist's office, and they paged her when I told them SD hurt herself. She sent us up to the local children's hospital, which is where our child psychiatry coverage is.
The psych person took it seriously, but at first the young resident did not. He said that if she didn't think she would hurt herself more then we could take her home and follow up with a shrink. Then I asked to speak to him in the hall. I told him an abbreviated history, as well as what the psychologist told me as to why we should go last night. Which was basically, because SD needs to know this is serious, that we are not the only people who think it is, and to start the child psychiatric ball rolling.
Then the young resident came back in and asked her to remove her shirt down to her bra (SD glared at DH and I asked if she wanted him to leave the room.) He more carefully checked her for open sores and found two burn marks and three areas of cutting. So now that is all documented in the chart.
He was very compassionate when we were talking in the hall, and stated several times that we were definitely doing the right thing by taking action now, instead of waiting further for things to escalate.
When SD was being interviewed by the psych person, she wouldn't talk. Then the woman asked her why she felt the need to cut and she shrugged our direction and said, "THEM."
The counselor asked her a few more questions about why, and SD said, "Can THEY leave the room please?" We gladly hopped right out to the hallway. I was a little uncomfortable at the thought that my 14 yr old BS was home at midnight on a school night with his 11 year old brother and 2.5 year old sister. I said to DH, "How bad would that look to CPS when SD tells this lady we abuse her and her siblings are home alone on a stormy night?"
But, by the time she talked to us later, I am confidant that whatever SD told her won't carry much weight as far as our parenting. And as I said to DH, "If we burned and cut her and it didn't require medical attention, AND we weren't those wacky Munchausen by Proxy folks, why in the hell would we bring her in for a psych consult."
You know the oddest thing was she was still just indignant. Like we were crazy people forcing her into these crazy situations and she was forced to endure our craziness.
Of course it is also noted in several charts now that all this behavior, though present in spurts before, has escalated since BM has continued to decrease her visitation time. Now she is taking SD EO Tue/ Wed, rather than EOW weekend and EVERY Wed. And SD continues to blame us, tell us we're the ones who are crazy, and that we are never there for her.
When she was first being interviewed by psych, they asked who she lived with.
She said, "My mom and dad."
I said to DH later, "Am I "mom"? or don't I exist? Because I noticed that she mostly refers to me as "she/her" to DH these days. It seems to me that BM has finally succeeded in her campaign to erase my existence.
Unfortunately, this was my third night on 2 or 3 hours sleep. At least our security system in installed now. It has a mode that tells you whenever any door or window is opened, even if it isn't armed. Just so you know. I think THAT really bothered SD when it kept saying "Back door open" "Front door open" "Garage door open".
So, leave it to SD to bring me out of the "I'm gonna vent about kids and discipline" post I've been mulling over, and back into the moment. I know that "in the moment" thing is "Zen" like and all, but I think the reason I sort of was getting into the thought of putting together a post about the "kids are soft because parents are softer" stuff, is because I am so incredibly tired of my life being in SD's moment.
Thanks again for "listening."
Sita, my heart goes out to
Sita, my heart goes out to you hun. I truly do not know how you do it - this shows what a remarkable person you are. I hope that things get easier for you and your entire family soon.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Thanks Serendipity
I can't tell you what everyone here means to me.
I am so incredibly grateful to have all of my Stepsistas to see me through.
I think this upcoming retreat we are going to figure out how to start SM workshops and retreats. Real life ones, not just kumbyah stuff, the real nitty gritty get it all out and heal workshops.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
oh my gosh zen
how awful. i feel so bad for her bc she must really be struggling w BMs abandonment. i cant imagine being that age and going thru all she has w her mother. that being said, at least she has u as her "mom" and even though she doesnt see it now, one day she will realize and appreciate all you have done and given for her.
maybe u can look at this as a good thing bc at least it got the ball rolling and put more focus on the extreme and urgent nature of the sitaution, if nothing else. and she escaped w/o really physically harming herself.
geez...im just speechless. i cant even imagine what all of u are going thru. hugs girl...we're always here to listen, even if we (okay, I) have nothing constructive or helpful to offer.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Thanks Bella
Am feeling strangely renewed at my commitment toward her today. I am hoping that medication will help her and allow her to feel the love that surrounds her, rather than sabotaging it all the time out of fear of abandonment.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I agree with bellacita. I'm
I agree with bellacita. I'm sure that the Bm abandonment thing is behind this.
Hopefully, they can get her on the right track to dealing with her feelings in a better way.
Hugs...
Dawn
Thanks Dawn
Rationally I know it too. But SD's BPD (and ?BP) makes her so irrationalities so amazingly convincing. I also know from all my experience with this disorder, and all my reading (especially Eggshells book) that SD is trying to control my commitment to her, and goes this far to make sure if I do abandon her that she let me know she never cared anyway.
It's all so predictably unpredictable.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
What was the end result of
What was the end result of the ER visit? Is she on meds? Arent' they concerned she might injure herself further? That is grounds for commital, but if they sent her home with you, they must have something else in mind...
I'm sorry you're going through this, I guess the one upside is that her problem is now getting the medical attention it needs....
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
We already had a psychologist appt scheduled
With her current Dr on Thur.
They didn't admit her, I thought perhaps they would. But if you ask a 13 year old if they plan on hurting themselves and they say no, that's it.
If she would have required sutures or something they probably would have admitted her. Her cuts are in between her elbows and wrists on both arms.The burns are on her inner thigh/knee area, and arm. And there was another cut on her arm.
SD has always self harmed in one way or another. She picks her skin compulsively and has small scars all over her legs. She had a severe case of impetigo the summer I met her, and I was the one who took her in for treatment for that, because BM (an RN) was the only one she had shown them too and BM said they were just mosquito bites (could have started out that way) and treated them herself. We have many pics the year before we married of her with a huge scab on her forehead, a sore she continually picked at for about ten months. She finally let it heal the month before the wedding because I asked her so it wouldn't be in the pics.
I will never forget when her mom told her to start shaving at TEN, thinking, "Oh great, she'll soon discover cutting now that she has a razor."
So though the experts don't tie picking your skin til you have scabs and scars with future cutting, I do. I did then and I'm stickin' to it.
SD's psychologist was planning on referring us to one of the Children's Hosp child psychiatrists anyway, and I had just talked to her about everything on Monday.
And yes the upside is that finally she is going to be diagnosed, told that she does have whatever that diagnosis is, and will be treated.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I'm no expert
But do they think there's any chance the cutting might go away on its own? SD used to do this, mainly with scissors, then show her father. Basically it was just a plea for attention. My husband got her into counseling, and although he acknowledged that it was happening he didn't make a big deal about it. The cuts were superficial. Eventually she just stopped doing it because she wasn't getting the attention she wanted. Although I know your SD has very extreme behaviors, so that might not work? Or she might progress to something even more dangerous?
giving attention to attention seeking behaviors
It is a tough call, isn't it? That's why I left it up to her psychologist. We've been through this cutting stuff before, and have tried to make light of it as much as possible. SD swore she didn't do it anymore (she is about absolutes) and at the time we had a long talk. That's a sore (no pun intended) subject for me because her friends at school turned her in for it first (we suspected but couldn't get to the bottom of it) and the school counselor told her to tell "a parent" or she would for her.
Guess which parent she trusted to tell?
Yep.
Then asked me to tell her dad so she didn't have to face him, which I did, and the shrink as well.
Then, because she stated then that she only did it at BMs because we didn't give her any privacy, we decided she needed to know too. SD begged us that she be able to tell her, her own way so it would go better.
We graciously let her, telling her that DH would call to confirm she had told her.
Then when he did, BM reveled in saying, "You know why she does it don't you????" SHE HATES SITA!"
DH said, "Oh? So she cuts herself because she hates the only person she trusted enough to tell she cuts herself?"
We addressed it with the psychologist who did suggest letting it go for then to see if she did it again. I did take away the glass gifts from me she shattered (and kept the broken glass on her dresser which was suspicious given her cutting history.) I took away all sharp objects, including not letting her keep our tape dispenser in her room (with the sharp metal tape cutter on it) and taking her razors frequently from the bathroom. She made a huge fuss about the injustice of not trusting her yada yada yada. Like I said above very indignant in her having to suffer through such abnormal and ridiculous parents.
Her mother had several suicidal gestures and episodes of physically abusing DH (several black eyes and punches, throwing things at him in fights etc) and SD is showing signs of these tendencies. She did witness some pretty bad fights, including one a year before the divorce where BM held a knife up to herself in a self harm threat.
SD also has a history of self harm threats. She took a knife to BM's child care place during the custody case, on BMs day, and threatened to hurt herself if she had to come back here (even though she was telling us and all the experts she wanted us to have custody. That was strictly an appeal to BM's vanity.)
Here's my pessimistic prediction if Meds don't help or SD is non-compliant.
She will be pregnant, have an STD (or more), will take gifts for sex, will give gifts for love, will threaten suicide many times...etc. She is never going to do things in moderation. If it feels good she will do it til it hurts, if it hurts she will do it til it overrides her emotional pain.
One sad thing about finding the BPD support group was seeing how this state of crisis is on going, from one to the next to the next, with rare recovery periods in between. There are parents on there with kids in their 30s. Still needing support.
So I definitely agree that with most kids, if you ignore superficial cuts then they will stop. But with BPD/BP...
It's not all about attention. It's an unhealthy, impulsive, compulsive coping mechanism for anger/anxiety/depression.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Hi, Sita
As we deal with all the chaos in our lives, I apologize for not getting to know yours sooner. You seem like a totally awesome person.
I admire so much what you are able to tolerate at this point (Have you studied Reiki, by chance?)
This young lady is truly troubled, and my heart truly goes out to you. How stressful this must be for YOU and your OWN children. Know
that you are in my THOUGHTS (I teach high school, and I know that there are "cutters" out there...sounds to me, as Dawn implied, that
BM abandonment is her issue)....she (SD) knows that you are a GOOD,
KIND person, so I'm sure there is a part of her that feels "safe"
acting out with you because you can "handle it."
Hang in there. Some day your SD will THANK you for being there for her.
She hates herself...
and BM is the root cause.
A mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. So the realization that her mother is slowly writing her out of her life is breaking her fragile heart. Her worst fear of abandonment is coming true right before her eyes.
I hope, hope, hope that some true pyschiatric intervention will help her start to turn her life around. DH loves her very much and even though it's so unbelievably hard, I know you love her too. SD just needs to learn that it's not her fault that her mom doesn't have the capacity to love her like a mother should. She'll need to learn to let her go and start focusing on the productive relationships that DO have a future.
I'm thinking of you Zen....and remember it always gets worse before it gets better. Maybe the silver lining of all this is that hopefully now she can finally start getting some real help.
((((((((BIGGGG BEAR HUG))))))))
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Thanks CG
I have let go of the attachment that SD will ever know, appreciate, be grateful, or understand the depth of my love for her.
Now I need to find the part of me that can embrace her fully, regardless.
I heard somewhere recently, not sure if it was here, TV, or the BPD support group site, that we need to love a mentally ill child just as we would our diabetic, epileptic, MR or CP child.
The challenge is that many kids with physical or developmentally delayed disabilities can still show grace.
SD does not possess grace, and I am not sure she is capable of it. I so hope I can really one day see her with the utmost compassion for her loss in those abilities. I surely would not want to go through life that way. Worse than losing a sense, or physical abilities.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh Sita....
I hope this is the beginning of calmer days ahead. We, too, went throught the EXACT same thing with SD. Finally someone admitted her in a childrens psychiatric hospital and kept her there for a week. The end result was that she was BPD and BP, and that BM's in/out of her life was causing most of the flare ups, which led to supervised visits and a decrease in visitation until BM cold prove she was "stable". This has yet to happen.
Now that she is back with us, things are much different, though I have no idea why. I'd like to think that it is b/c she realized the grass wasn't greener on the other side, but I think it is more self-serving. I am OK with it as long as she stays "stable" herself. She is currently NOT on meds, and I am not pushing the issue. I am going to let DH deal with it in whatever way he chooses. I love her, but she is ultimately NOT my child, so...... "not my kid, not my problem". This statement has helped me tremendously! Big Hugs to you!
Sia my sister
Just noticed our names are one letter apart!
I think of you often, and how well I understand the difficulty trusting your SD's change of heart. I would really push to keep her on meds though. From my understanding, with the BP element in there it is such a toxic time bomb, and you don't want to be the one caught in the fallout should SD implode.
I do feel a sense of hope this morning (or maybe that's just fatigue...or maybe because BM agreed to take her for tonight and tomorrow since she hasn't taken her in two weeks.)
I wish I could feel she wasn't my kid, but in many ways I do. I was just thinking last night of the first time I saw her. Beautiful tomboy in a skort, climbing on the deck railing to sit, balanced like a cat. She was so excited to be by my side then. And in the early days, before the idolization/demonization really took hold, there was a sense of peacefulness, natural charm and grace about her.
That little girl disappeared the minute hormones showed signs of taking hold of her. I am really praying the meds will help her feel calm, peace, and grace again.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I sure hope
it helps you guys better than it did us! Though, I watched a program on 48 hrs the other night about a child who killed his gparents as a result of taking an anti-deppresant that was too much for him. This got me thinking about SD and about how she DID seem more aggresive after meds than before them.....so it does make me wonder. Right now she is fine, though she has become attached to a boy in GA that she knew when she was little and lived there with BM. She is starting to show signs of isolation....meaning passing up parties, etc to stay home to talk to nick on myspace and the phone. It's not healthy, and DH and I have talked to her about it and she swears it is just not as serious as we are led to believe. I mean, I AM glad I dont have to worry about her getting prego with him 500 miles away right??
BUT it does bother me. Because as BPD's do, she is becoming him...you know what I mean? he is a good kid and we know the family, but still.... blah blah..I hijacked your post.. hehehe I cant wait to meet up w/you in Oct!!! Are you coming through Louisville? Maybe we can ride share?
Been There Sita
and I understand that special kinda hell.
I too have the razor-cutting, cigarette burning, "I hate your guts", "you are all idiots" kind of SD.
She is so obviously in terrible pain and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it until that child is able to accept that she needs help.
So you have to save yourself some how....
My pregnant SD17 now lives 2000 miles away and I still dealing with the aftermath in the damage that it has done to myself and my relationship with DH.
If SD16s ship is going to sink then does your whole family have to go down with it???
Set your limits honestly,do what you can for SD, but save yourself .
You are so fortunate to have that man of yours by your side. If my DH
was half the parent that yours is.......
Good Luck Honey
SD 13 is just so young to be here already
I think that divorce, two houses, two radically different moms in her life have wreaked their own kind of havoc and brought these disorders out prematurely.
Can you imagine having this splitting black and white thinking hard wired into your emotional brain, and then having TWO or THREE of everything to split?
I think the increase in divorce is directly related to the increase in BPD/BP etc diagnoses. BUT, chicken or egg? Divorce bringing them out or them bring about divorce?
Oops. My head is way too tired to keep on that thread of thought!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh and PS
I do have one of the most fabulous DHs in the history of DH kind.
I think what's hard for SD is that she used to be his favorite person to see, and though she didn't mind it for a few years, because she felt the same way about me he did, NOW it's catching up with her that I am his favorite person to see. Unfortunately, when someone only puts their needs first, it's hard for us to feel we need to. So she creates crisis after crisis in order to force us to put her needs first.
WHOA! Now THERE's an epiphany! I sure hope that sounds as intelligent and emotionally evolved as I think it does after I have had a few hours more sleep!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
OMG. I am so sorry to hear
OMG. I am so sorry to hear about this. Hopefully sd will get the treatment she needs, and learn to deal better w/o hurting herself.
This is what I love about my Sita...
I know and understand that all of us here on this site has trial and tribulations with our everyday world. Some of our issues are minute while others are major. We all come here for venting and resolution. It becomes so easy for us to throw blame around quite easily and for some, well, are always reaching out, taking in all the comments given and really thinking them through looking for answers. As I read Sita's concerns, here are seven points I would like to point out - We all should be so lucky to have some of Sita's Zenn-fullness (if that's a word)............
1. Now I need to find the part of me that can embrace her fully, regardless. (looking inward for grace to show compassion)
2. this was my third night on 2 or 3 hours sleep (insomnia- because of the love she possess's)
3. Am feeling strangely renewed at my commitment toward her today.
(hopefule)
4. I am hoping that medication will help her and allow her to feel the love that surrounds her (looking for ways to help SD)
5. I have let go of the attachment that SD will ever know, appreciate, be grateful, or understand the depth of my love for her. (Putting her needs behind those that she LOVES)
6. That little girl disappeared the minute hormones showed signs of taking hold of her. I am really praying the meds will help her feel calm, peace, and grace again. (Pays attention to the details and evaluates the past...and yes continueing to look for resolutions)
7. WHOA! Now THERE's an epiphany! I sure hope that sounds as intelligent and emotionally evolved as I think it does after I have had a few hours more sleep! (through reading comments by her concerned sista's, she is having more eye opening moments)
Qualities of Zen, are being passed around...I sure hope everyone is paying attention - I am for one......
Love you girl ! Many Hugs and well wishes !!!!!
1.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
now how come shes YOUR sita??
just bc u met her first??? thats not fair lady!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Na-Na, Na-na, Na-na....
(stickin out my tongue at you) LOL
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
she may be YOUR sita...
but she'll always be MY zen.
so there.
ha!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I wish you peace Sita...
I am so sorry that your family has to deal with such turmoil. I'm even more sorry that your amazing heart that does so much for your SD, that aches for her and that endlessly tries to help her, keeps getting stomped on. I know it's the BPD/BP, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to accept. I truly hope that the psychiatric diagnosis/meds will bring about some much needed change and peace.
Hey B...
You too always show that Zenn-fullness I spoke of...You are so compassionate....
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Aw Thank You Stepwitch!
That means a lot to me.
Zenn-fullness... That is truly something to aspire too.
Ok now SW and Bella - no
Ok now SW and Bella - no need to fight over Sita!! Let go of both of her arms now girls....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
LOL!!!
tee hee!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Hey..
Who tugged your boat? Will be so glad to have all around me at one time, looking foward to the retreat !!
Sita, we are needing some zenn-fullnes, here !
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
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