Before I answer that, let me explain the whole story.
Those who have read my past posts know that DH has struggled with all his girls in the discipline department. He's overindulged. He's rarely followed through with consequences when they've misbehaved. He's parented through guilt and fear. He's freely admitted this.
But he's also been trying very hard to change. He's gone to therapy with me. He's gone to a no-nonsense Parenting Coach who's told him he's doing a great disservice to his girls (even though he's had the best of intentions at heart in his motives).
In the past year or so, he's had pretty good success with the oldest and the youngest girls. The oldest actually came to live with us FT in April '07 because of the toxic environment at her BMs house (all party/ no rules/ all chaos all the time) as oldest SD needed to focus to get into a good college. She did.
Youngest SD is seriously thinking about doing the same thing, but is stuggling with her final decision, as she's only 13, and despite all her faults, she still loves her mom and can't bring herself to do it. Plus mom is guilting the heck out of her (but that's another long story). But SD13 is thriving with this "New Dad" who is all about rules and follow-through and consequences. She embraces it and is eager to please.
Now, on to SD16...
She is a little version of her mother. All excuses all the time. No personal responsiblity. All lies and manipulation. All take and no give. A totally toxic personality.
DH has slowly come to grips with this sad reality, but for the longest time, was certain he could change her. He thought that if he tried long and hard enough, she would be a good person. Sadly, he has come to truly find out, there is no changing her.
Now what you have to realize is that in the past 7 years since their divorce, DH has done EVERYTHING for the girls. While BM was out whoring it up with her new man, it was DH who was there to do homework, take them to endless activities, go to school functions, take them to friends' houses, and pay for EVERYTHING. BM did next to nothing, and complained when she had to do the little bit she did.
Now that the girls are older, DH realizes that they need to do more for him and themselves. To be more responsible at home. To do chores. Well, SD16 is having NONE of that! Why should SHE have to do anything NOW? She never did in the past. Why should she have to wash her clothes or clean her room or sweep the kitchen floor? WHY?
Because, DH tells her- she is 16 now, and as a part of this family ,she will contribute. DH pays for her phone, her NEW CAR, her gas, her insurance, her clothes, her $18,000/yr school, her summer camp which costs $5,000/3 weeks and on-and-on. So the LEAST she can do is a few lousy chores a week (and gives her an allowance for them!) when her father asks her to. Period.
SD still protests. As an act of passive-aggressive behavior this weekend after this latest "chore talk" with dad in the car on Friday, she purposely leaves a pile of towles by her door, which I left for her to take to go to down to her room. There the pile stayed for over 8 hours as she came and went, leaving the towels, as if to say, "screw you, SM and Dad- I don't have to do shit around here and no one can make me."
So I mentioned the towels to DH. He asked me how long they were there. I told him.
From there, I do not know what exactly happened because I was in my room upstairs with the door closed, but about 30 minutes later, DH came upstairs and asked me to come down to the family room. He called the rest of the kids in, too. He wanted to tell everyone that SD16 was leaving. He wanted to make it clear that he did not "throw her out of the house" as she was sure to tell everyone- but that she was leaving by her own choice.
DH asked SD if she called her BM to pick her up. SD said yes and went outside to wait. Car pulls up in the driveway. DH goes outside to talk to BM. It is NOT BMs car. "Who IS THAT?" asks DH to SD?
"It's my friend" says SD
"You told me you called your BM. You lied to me AGAIN. How typical. Get back in the house and call your BM." says DH.
"Well I didn't care who I called. I just wanted to get the heck out of here," is SDs reply. More lies.
BM eventually comes to pick up SD. SD leaves with nothing but her school books and uniform and a few snotty comments to DH.
DH is now resolved. SD leaves because he asks her to do a few simple chores??? Fine- Go. But from now on, let your BM pay for everything. Let her buy you a cell phone. A car. Do you think she'll send you to a $5,000 summer camp? Doubtful!
SD has not called DH and DH is resolved not to care. He knows this is exactly what she needs- a dose of "tough love". Because eventually she will call. This is the girl that can't go a couple of days without calling, "Daddy, I need help..."
And he's ready with his reply, "You live with your mother now- let HER help you."
good for him
its sad to see this but i think its exactly what SD needs. im sure youre so proud of him for standing up to her and not letting her take advantage of him anymore.
also a nice cautionary tale to those folks who deal w disneyland dad/guilt parenting...it really IS a disservice.
maybe someone should forward this post to crayon's BF...???!!!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I totally agree with bella,
I totally agree with bella, and I'm SO glad your DH saw the light and decided to actually parent his daughter. He's doing the right thing, which is often not the easy thing, and in the end, his daughter will be better served for it. And you're totally right, she'll come back after she gets a dose of BM and finds that in that household it's not all about the family, it's all about BM, and SD doesn't even rate!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Yes! Yes!
I am here at work clapping for you and your DH right here at my computer! I'm sorry it came down to SD16 leaving your home, but while this may be painful now, she will only benefit in the end. Yes, sweetie, there ARE limits in life...
Please continue to support your DH. He will question himself and want to default to old behavior in the weak moments. Anticipate those moments and kindly remind him of the larger goal with SD16. Oh, she will spit and fume and try every manipulation in the book to get her "old daddy" back, and he has to be strong--for her sake.
I've been through this same scenario over the past 6 months. Your DH's breaking point may have been towels on the floor, but the breaking point with my DH was when his son21 yelled FU! to him on the phone and hung up on him. DH has not spoken to him since--he's waiting for SS21 to man up, contact him, and apologize for his disrespect. SS21 used to call DH daily with wants, needs, and SOB stories. No more. He thinks his dad is a "jerk" for requiring an apology.
My DH is so sad about all this, and really wants to communicate with SS21 again. But he is resolved to wait it out so when SS21 finally does contact him, their relationship can start from a new place of respect. That's the hope, anyway.
All my best to you and your DH!
Awesome!
I am so glad he stood up to her and her chosing to leave just further pushes home that what he was trying to do was the right thing and that she was doing nothing but taking advantage of him. How long before she will be calling to come back?
Thank you all
I guess what I didn't add in the original post was how PROUD I was of him!
I know parenting her in the right way, despite knowing that she might leave was very difficult for him to do. In fact, the next day, he told me that he not only FEARED she might leave- he was in fact CERTAIN that she would do it (isn't that sad?)! But he said, nonetheless, it was no reason NOT for him to parent in the appropriate manner and that he knew deep in his heart he did the right thing.
After he told me that, I was more proud than ever of him. All those times of doubting him, that he would do the right thing, were washed away. He did one of the HARDEST things that he ever had to do. Now he has to just HANG TOUGH and get though the next few weeks until the major manipulations play out. I think once he gets thorough the first couple of weeks, it will be much easier for him to establish a strong, appropriate pattern of behavior with her.
My fingers remain crossed for a positive outcome.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Whoo hoo!
I SO admire your patience with your situation, Five. I'm sure it's
your PATIENCE and your STABILITY that allow DH to see that life DOES
NOT have to be "so hard" and filled with chaos. It's much more ful-
filling to enjoy life with a calm, loving SPOUSE than with lunacy.
I'm sure IN TIME (and tough love is a MUST; I'm doing it with my whole meddlesome family right now, not just the SDs.) your SDs will
come to realize that STABILITY is a hell of a lot more "cooler" than
dysfunction!! Keep up the positive attitude!!!
WOW, PROUD OF HIM!!!!
What a great big turn around! Let's hope he can stick to it. It will be hard, no doubt, but I sure hope he can! Good Luck!
Woo Hoo
Yay DH!
Good for him
I love it when they get a dose of reality. Money doesn't grow on trees and then they realize that the pretty green grass at BMs is actually a bunch of crabgrass. And no matter how much you try to dress it up, it's still WEEDS.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
So SD thinks DH is the Devil now because of chores!
I am so glad that your DH put his foot down with SD. These kids I swear are not in reality. They have no idea what life is like out there in the real world and can't even bother to help - heaven help the guy that winds up with her. My own kid used to be like this and when I kicked him out when he was 19 he was like yeah whatever. Now he is 22 and boy does he appreciate mama a lot better now that he has to pay for everything on this own. One time he really got on my nerves because he kept saying yeah I've been on my own for 2 years I pay my bills blah blah blah and I said REALLY what do you want kid a medal that is what people do they pay their own way - mama and daddy don't take care of you forever! That's what happens when they have to buy their own toilet paper. Hang in there sister!
Post new comment