for being so stupid and knocking some woman up and having a kid with her? i know...u knew what u were getting yourself into, but maybe things weren't as bad until a certain part of your relaationship where you already invested yourself and theres no turning back? i guess this goes along with the resentment. things are fine when sd isnt here..but the anticipation of the next visitation wekend makes me sick.
i know we all probably have good relationships with our dh/so (most of the time) but are there times where you just withdraw emotionally (maybe even physically) from him because of his stupidity?
we never fought about anything in our whole 10 years....maybe litte petty things, but everything that revolves around sd/bm is a steady argument over the years. its hard getting rid of the persons you most hate by getting rid of the one you love the most...its all screwed up. then again, i think that im probably almost to my midlife? (im 31..and life is too short to stress)..are things going to be like this forever for as long as im with him?
Yes- I fee it too sometimes.
I've never posted before, but I read your comment and thought, "Finally, I'm not the only one that thinks this. Maybe I'm not totally evil." When times are hard dealing with the SD/BM thing, I sometimes find myself so absolutely furious that DH put us in this situation. How could he have been so stupid?! Why is his mistake going to haunt me/us forever?! It almost feel like it just happen instead of something that happen before we ever met. I'm probably not expressing it as well as you did, but right on, I hear you. I have felt this way many times. It doesn't matter that I knew going in or that it was WAY before we were together. Sometimes the anger and pain is so fresh I lump him into the same boat as BM/SD and hate him along with them for bringing this to my life and treating me this way. Usually I get over it, but feeling that flash of love and hate so tangled together can be scary, humbling, and frustrating.
Does it relate to specific issues?
You mention steady arguments about step-daughter/birth-mother issues - are you angry with him for how he handles particular current issues? How is the step-daughter's behavior when she's at your house? Maybe just talk to him about the specific things that are making you consider leaving and see if the two of you can come up with a plan to address these issues that will alleviate some of your stress. Think about picking two or three easily identified things that you want to change - step-daughter needs to pick up her dirty dishes when she's at our house, or birth-mother shouldn't call every day. If you have a few concrete issues to tackle it will be easier to implement and subsequently easier to see and appreciate the change.
Again, right on the money
Again, right on the money for me. My guy knocked up a girl less than a month after meeting her and though they tried to make it work for the sake of their daughter, they broke up after only 2 years. I have been with him for 5 years and have been in the kid's life (as little as possible but still too much if you ask me) since she was 3, and to this day I still get the sweats when I think about her coming to our place every other weekend. I cringe when she is around and get sullen and snappy. I have many issues with her as a person ( like I think she is mentally unstable like her mom but her parents won't admit their child isn't perfect so she isn't getting the help she so obviously needs), and just the randomness of how she came to be confuses and frustrates me so much I just hate my guy sometimes for being so stupid! Seriously, doesn't everyone learn about reproduction in like grade 8 health class?
Things will be always be like "this" only if you let them.
Katch,
What you are feeling is fairly common in blended family marriages in my experience.
Though we have had our fair share of disagreements over my SS and dealing with his SpermFamily, I have never once thought or felt that my Lovely Bride was stupid or hated her for being inseminated by a moron. That experience has been an integral element of making her the incredible person that she is. I have never once wished that my SS never happened. Being his Dad has been an amazing experience. That does not mean that I have not wanted to strangle him periodically throughout his life (figuratively of course), but I would not have our family any other way.
My Lovely Bride had my SS when she was 16. SpermDad was ~22. She went on to finish HS with her class, though the school administration pressured her to get her GED from Pregnant Girl School, complete her BS, MBA and is now a CPA. She did these things in large part because she refused to be a statistic and because she wanted to be able to provide a good life for my SS in spite of the negative influence of his SpermDad. She is my inspiration, my hero and my muse. He (ToothessSpermDad) is a moron who I detest more than any person to ever walk the planet (with possibly one or two exceptions) and has done nothing with his life except for producing 4 out of wedlock spawn with three different women. (two were underage when the kids were born).
My Lovely Bride of 14yrs and I have had two fights in our entire marriage. The same two fights a thousand times but only two fights.
1. SS's, SpermDads, or the extended SpermFamilies behavior.
2. House and yard work.
When our careers became successful enough I solved problem number two by getting a maid service and a lawn service. I still get in trouble because it is not ME doing the actual work but the fight has not repeated since I found a solution.
The first problem is ongoing but the fight has declined in frequency over the years as the example his Mom and I have set for him has influenced my SS and we have gotten SpermDad boxed in to behaving decently and living up to his responsibilities to his son (my SS). We won't ever completely "fix" SpermDad and the SpermFamily because as a now popular comedian has made $millions saying "You can't fix stupid".
My SS on the other hand is turning out to be a quite formidable young man of improving character.
As my wife and I have matured individually and in our relationship I have learned to not push as hard as I used to and my wife has learned that not addressing a problem just makes the problem worse. I have learned to be more supportive and she has learned to hold "them" accountable and to take action when it is neccessary. Soooooo ......... we figured it out within the context of our situation and so will you and your DH.
You may want to pick up a copy of DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. AND IT IS ALL SMALL STUFF. I found it a good guide on learning to lighten up and to let go of some things that I need to brush or laugh off.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and best regards,
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