My SD14 is without doubt the messiest girl I've ever come across, including myself, and while I would ordinarily not think it's worth a battle, it's gone beyond ridiculous. I noticed two weeks ago that she'd stripped the sheets off her bed and, instead of replacing them with clean ones from the linen cabinet, she'd opted for the old reliable sleeping bag instead. I found that disturbingly lazy, but decided to blow it off. Her door is always shut anyway.
Then last weekend, DH is trying to take a shower and can't find a towel. Hmmm, I think; could she be lazy in other ways, too? I open SD's door, or try to, anyway: Her laundry hamper is in the corner behind her door, and it's not only full, but she'd just started throwing everything in the corner next to it, rather than wash stuff and put it up. There's so much dirty stuff, I can't even open her door all the way. There were at least 8 towels in various stages of mildewing, and most of her wardrobe. And that's only in that one corner.
The rest of her room contains, in various piles, the balance of her wardrobe, wadded up pieces of paper which she just threw wherever (didn't even try to get it in the trash, which wasn't full), hangers, shoes, used kleenexes, books, wrappers, empty water bottles, toiletries--you get the idea. You cannot walk on the floor, because it is invisible. The ultimate decorating touch was the four or five pieces of paper artfully torn into confetti and littered all over the floor in front of her closet. And she's still sleeping on her sleeping bag.
DH grounded her because she'd been told to clean it several days prior to our discovery of half our towels there in her corner. That was Sunday. As of yesterday, she's washed 3 or 4 towels and added more mess on the floor.
DH said that he told her that she's grounded until she cleans it up. Judging from her lack of effort, I'm thinking she's going to be content to keep it disgusting. Or she'll put it off until she can con one of her friends into helping her.
I'm willing to agree to that, up to a point: I want all the nasty, dirty, moldy damp items off the floor, out of the hamper, and into the washer/dryer NOW. Any and all food wrappers out of the room NOW. Toiletries put away, so they don't spill.
And absolutely no friends may help in the cleaning of that garbage dump.
Seriously, I would think the moldy damp stuff could constitute a health hazard. I had twin male teenagers in that room previously and it was never this bad.
Any thoughts? Anyone have a messy daughter/stepdaughter that you've dealt with? I feel like DH has kind of left us in the lurch by allowing her to choose grounding or cleaning, but I haven't decided whether to start WW3 by demanding that she cleans non-stop til it's done, or stay on his case until he makes her get it done.
My mom use threaten me and
My mom use threaten me and tell me if my room wasn't kept clean all my stuff was going to be boxed up and tossed out. I didn't believe her so didn't clean my room. I came home from school and all my things were boxed up and taken out of my room. All I had was my clothes and my bed. She threw away the trash and put all my toys in boxes. After 3 months she finally gave my things back. I threaten my ss 8 with the samw thing. He cannot keep his room clean. We have a box and system for every type of toy and they always end up on the floor, in his bed, under his bed. I don't even know where the trash comes from in his room. it is horrible. So I threatened to throw it all away if it wasn't picked up to my liking. He cleaned it and is doing a better job of maintaining it. Every now and then he slips but i remind him where it will end up if i have to remind him too many times. I would tell SD that if it isn't cleaned up this weekend, and all the clothes and towels are not clean, and trash picked up then you will handle it Monday and she will not like it. And if she doesn't clean it up by Monday (without a good reason, like you take her out of town or she gets really sick) then follow through and clean it yourself and throw everything away (or box it up and hid it so she thinks you threw it away).
This is my SD too
When I first moved in there were mice droppings in every room of this house.
This isn't just a parent being mean and making a lazy kid clean up their room, this is about health. Food wrappers, trash, mildew can lead to serious health issues, and vermin. I would tell DH SD needs to comply now.
I did find one thing that seems to motivate SD. We took away her straighteners, make-up, hair gel. She can earn them back which she was refusing to do claiming she didn't really care and could borrow her friends. But still loudly complaining enough about it that I know it does bother her a lot.
So the other day I flipped it. I gave her back the gel she'd been coveting, and told her, "Now. Pick up your things in your room and keep them picked up every day or you will lose it again."
It seems to be working, but I still have to tell her every day. I'm sure eventually she'll say "I don't care" again and then the gel will go.
I hate bartering with a teen for them to do what should be common courtesy/respect. But when in a war, sometimes you do have to resort to the tactics of your enemy.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
how do you determine . . .
that SD won't find a way to borrow or buy more hair care products and hide them? That would absolutely do it for my SD, too, but I know she will be uber-clever in getting around it.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
She tries to
But there is no where to hide them. She told me that the punishment is stupid because her friends just let her use them, and on the first couple days of school when at BMs she had her mom drop her off at a friends in the am to catch the bus so she could do her hair and makeup. Then she made a big deal to my sons about hiding from me behind her friend because I would be mad about her beautiful coif since I want her to look ugly and not have any friends.
Oh yeah. That's my goal in life.
I thought she was hiding because of the triple caf giant coffee her mom bought her for "breakfast" the first two days of school.
She also snuck in another flat iron and hid it. But because she isn't satisfied with simply doing something behind our back and has to brag about it, she told BS 11, and they are no longer playing her games. He told me immediately and I found it. Ironically, she hasn't mentioned me taking that one at all, because if she did she would have to admit she sneaked it in and hid it in the first place!!!
SD keeps saying she doesn't care that she doesn't have her stuff, but she does. Otherwise she wouldn't keep complaining all the time that our consequences are STUPID. I told her the other day, if she were truly indifferent, she wouldn't be making such a fuss.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
this is what my therapist suggested
because my SD16 is also the mirror-image of yours. And of course, DH is "afraid" to set consequences for her (LOOOOONG STORY there- don't even get me started, but that's one of the reasons I'm seeing a therapist in the first place!)
What she told me is that if SD refuses (passive aggressively) not to comply with repeated requests to clean her room and DH is not helping, then I am totally within my rights to try this:
Go into her room with giant trash bags and gather EVERYTHING up. Don't separate the wet towels, dirty clothes from clean, 1/2 eaten food, etc. but toss it ALL together in the bags and put the bags in the garage. When she comes home and wants to know where it all is, tell her where it is and let her know that since she was not interested in doing what you asked, then YOU took it upon yourself to do it for her. And then let HER deal with the mess in the bags.
I personally never did it because DH would have a total cow if I dare did that to his Princess, but MAN, would I LOVE to
PS- If anyone out there ever tries this approach, please let me know how it works out for you. I'm dying to know!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I've done it
Works like a charm. I accidentally threw out my kids very expensive, collector's item Buzz Lightyear but it was WORTH IT!!!
About bath towels
The bath towel issue used to bug the hell out of me. The teen SD pigs would use a new towel for every shower, dump them on their bedroom floors, and repeat the process. We'd run out of towels all the time and the have to go on recon missions into their pigstys to find towels to wash. The towels would be smelly and moldy and disgusting.
So one day I washed all the towels, locked them in my cabinet (long story), and handed one to each SD. I told them that's their towel for the week, and if they wanted more, they'd have to either wash it, or buy their own. Period.
The SDs remained complete pigs, but at least the rest of us had a clean towel when we needed it.
I seriously fear for your
I seriously fear for your floor given those wet gross towels, if it's carpeted, then that mildew is on the carpet now, and if it's hard wood, the moisture is ruining the finish. Bad enough that the piggy is cool with living in a sty, but if she's doing serious damage to your HOME, she should pay for it.
I was a bit of a teen piggy myself, the floor of my room was always covered in clothes. But that was all, I wasn't allowed to have food in my room, and if I was caught with it (and I always was) I got grounded.
Maybe whatever your grounding is isn't effective enough? I don't know you have to go the rags route (posted yesterday) of the tower, but there's got to be something that will really hit home, whether it's the phone, computer, ipod, tv, no going out, or any combination of those things.
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
She's grounded . . .
from everything--computer, tv, friends, all of the above.
Yesterday when I got home from work I said in a very low-key way: "SD, you need to wash all the clothes and towels in that corner of your room. They are all getting damp, and will get moldy and smell." She looked at me in astonishment and asked, "How will they get damp?" I reminded her that she showers and dumps the wet towels on the floor, on her clothes, etc. She does well in school but has absolutely no common sense whatsoever. So she did do one giant load after that. I haven't checked to see how much more she has to go as far as that corner is concerned.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
wow all those things and
wow all those things and she's still not motivated. I dunno what to tell ya, as a teen, that would have made me NUTS....
Common sense =life experience, she'll need to have a few things she actually cares about ruined by stuff like this before she gets it I'm afraid, I just hope your house isn't also a victim!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Personaly, I favor "THE SHOVEL" if I get sick of dealing wth it.
Personaly, I favor "THE SHOVEL" if I get sick of dealing wth it.
"THE SHOVEL" is when I get a garbage can, and a Snow Shovel...EVERYTHING GOES...I pick out Towels,Household Items and anything I want for Myself, but ALL Toys, Clothes, Pic.s etc. of a Personal Nature go in the can. I allowed ONE recovery, but if I get " THE SHOVEL" out again, it doesn't come back. After The First Time, just saying "Don't Make Me Get THE SHOVEL"
Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
Post new comment