All,
I copied this from a post I made to another thread.
Ha! Lets talk consequences. We went through the escalating consequences stage (over and over and over) with my now 16yo SS.
What finally worked the best was the TOWER. The TOWER was an empty room in our home with a heinously uncomfortable antique wooden school desk (With the right side half writing top and an ink well), a pencil, pencil sharpener and a very thick writing tablet. When SS would lie, cheat, steal or bring home a bad report card it was the TOWER. Every free moment for the entire TOWER sentence. If he brought home a bad grade on a progress report or report card he was in the TOWER at least until the next official grade report or progress report with 100% acceptable grades. 6weeks is a long time to spend every free moment in the TOWER writing sentences. All weekend, after school and sports with only 15minutes off for meals with the family. The TOWER does two things, it is a consequence and it removes the aggravating presence of the rebellious kid from the rest of the family. It gives Mom, Dad and siblings a break from the stress of the trouble maker.
While in the TOWER he wrote sentences. Thousands and thousands of sentences. I will do my homework and turn it in on time. I will not lie, cheat, steal or tolerate those who do. Etc, etc, etc ...........
I timed how many sentences he could comfortably write in an hour, added 40 and set the quota. If he missed one sentence for the duration of the sentence he served another hour, day, week, whatever got his attention. If one sentence was not neat, one more hour on to the sentence. He could not sit there and day dream. He had to focus on writing the sentence and writing it neatly. At some level the message the sentence was capturing had to sink in.
He asked me once what he should do if he had to go to the bathroom. My answer "Write faster for that hour". He came down stairs once and asked for a spanking in lieu of TOWER time. I told him that if he wanted a spanking to bend over but that he still had to serve his TOWER time with no reduction in sentence quota for the time he took off to get his spanking. He huffed and headed back up stairs. He did not stick around for the spanking he asked for. He absolutely hated the TOWER. But, it worked. And he now has the most beautiful hand writing I have ever seen.
The TOWER was in play from ~4th grade through 8th grade.
Prior to the evolution of the TOWER method we went through the confiscation of belongings stages. I actually forced him to take a meat tenderizer to his I-Pod shuffle when he took it to school in violation of the school rules. He had to drop his cell phone in a sink full of water for the same reason. We did not replace them, he did .... several months later out of his own pocket. He burned Yu-gi-oh and Pokemon cards. I would fan the deck out on the table with the fronts down and make him pick a number of random cards. Then he would burn them over a candle. Of course the ones he picked were always the "best" ones. All made an impression but nothing modified behavior like the TOWER.
I may write a book. "TOWER your way to a well behaved child". Ha!
It is no wonder why we get the title "Wicked Step Parent". I am so evil. Mwwwwhahahahaha!
When will the kids learn. We KNOW because we tried it all when we were their age. Been there, done that, and suffered the consequences. The kids can't believe that their loving, doting GrandMa and GrandPa invented the title of EVIL PARENT.
Thanks Mom and Dad for teaching me well. 
I think
that's just what we need some times, some good old fashioned, old school, REAL punishments! It's time to stop this "kids running the parents" Bull S-, and have some consistant consequences to bad behavior."~waiting on the world to change~"
we caught SS15 in a lie last nite
he is supposed to be using my laptop for a learning aid that we bought for him...well, after last week when i discovered he was surfing the net while i wasnt home instead of using the eyeQ only (which he lied about and denied too), i password protected my laptop. he told FH he used the computer and did 15 mins of work...i said to DH "oh so he knows my password??" wait what?! yeah, its password protected so hes lying.
so FH calls SS to get my pc bc he wanted to "see what lesson he did today" and up pops the password box. SS looks at him all confused. FH said well u used it today so get it. he STILL stuck to the story that he did use it. then he tried to say he just turned it on and could use it! so FH told him he'd been caught...the punishment?? 100 situps and 100 pushups...SS was crying by the time it was all thru. im sure he wont lie again...well, at least not for awhile.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
How twisted
I have not been on this site in quite awhile, not since I posted my last post saying that I was done here. I have chosen to stay away without lurking or peeking in even on occassion. But word of this henious post got around and I decided I wanted to know what was going on at this once beautiful site. Now I know that child abuse is being condoned and sick twisted ideas of punishment are being offered. I cannot believe that anyone would do the horrible things you have mentioned.... oh wait, yes I can because for the past three years I have shuffled my SD from therapy sessions, psychiatrict sessions, picked up numerous prescriptions for depression, PTSD, all sorts of disorders because she was subjected to child abuse on many levels.
You give step parents a bad name. You are the reason why bio parents have such a bad taste for step parents and a distrust. Can you all imagine what bio parents would think if they logged on this site to see what stap parents talk about. Very sad to see such information. And even worse is you posted this admission of guilt onto other websites. I will pray for your SS and the other child in your house.
"Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head." ...Martin Mull
This may be shockingly UNSita like, but I am going to have to
disagree VERY strongly.
I was going to post a vent of sorts, but will not high jack.
All I will say tonight, when my zen-ness is tapped out, is that I think this was harsh and in poor taste. I frankly could care less what BM would think if she signed on and read this post.
And I am shocked and dismayed at how anyone who has seen such devastating abuse first hand, can say that posting about having a boring room with an uncomfortable chair, and having to write a million sentences is abusive.
I am just beside my Sita self.
But better wait til tomorrow (or later today actually) to post more because I have had such a horrible time of late that I cannot possibly say much that will be constructive and don't want to add to yet another attempt at slamming our site.
Have you ever heard the term "tongue in cheek"?
Crazy,
Though the TOWER is a popular element of Rags family lore, it was in no way abusive. Our son, as many children do, had an issue with lying and not doing what he was supposed to be doing when he was supposed to be doing it. The whole premise of the TOWER was that if he was farting around when he was supposed to be working he could work when he was supposed to be farting around. The TOWER worked. BTW the TOWER got its name as a reference to the RAPUNZEL fairy tale that I used to read to him from the Grimm's Fairy Tales book before tucking him in to bed nearly every night.
I have overheard my son telling the TOWER stories to his friends while laughing. From his mirth while telling the TOWER stories apparently he was in no way harmed (physically, emotionally, or psychologically) by the experience. Comparing parental punishment techniques is apparently a fairly common discussion between teens. Hearing some of his friends telling of being beaten black and blue broke my heart and nearly had me dragging those parents out of their home to return the punishment they abused their kids with.
As far as writing sentences being abusive, I wrote my fair share on the black board in kindergarten, 1st grade, 2nd grade, 3rd grade, etc, etc, etc and at home. It is an effective way to get a point across to a kid and to keep them focused on the message rather than building castles out of blankets and chairs or fighting pirates off of their imaginary ships with ruler swords and pencil daggers when they are grounded to their bedroom.
Aside from the occasional swat on the rump (for attempting to put a fork in the light socket, attempting to wash/drown the puppy in the toilet, etc....) my son has never been struck by my wife or I. He has had to stand with his nose in the corner, knock on neighbors doors in order return items that he took from their home without permission and apologize, serve countless time-outs for all of the heinous infractions of childhood (tongue in cheek, tongue in cheek, hint, hint hint), sit through countless glaring lectures on one topic or another, or spend a few hours, days or weeks in the TOWER upon occasion, all designed to teach him some critical lesson at the time.
You may feel that this was abusive, neglectful or humiliating. If any of this constitutes abuse then ........... you are damned right I am abusive. Abusively focused on being a good parent to my SS and providing him with the most idyllic childhood I was capable of providing.
I dearly and truly hope that your SD is recovering from her depression and any other medical, emotional, behavioral or psychological ailments she may have. However, not every experience that a child has at the "hands" of a dedicated Step or Bio parent is abusive. Consequences are a part of growing up just as praise and reward are a part of growing up. Get a kid that needs help the help they need. But ........ don't tolerate or condone unacceptable behavior from even a troubled kid. Hold them accountable for their behaviors and actions. If you don't they will never learn how to be viable contributing adults and good parents themselves. Or at the very least their journey will be much harder than it needs to be.
Many parents could do much better for their kids by demanding appropriate behavior and by holding the kids accountable for their decisions and behaviors, good and bad.
Don't get me wrong, I have made mistakes as a parent. When I have, I corrected the behavior that led to the mistake and made damned sure it did not happen again. I admitted my mistake, made amends to those effected and moved on to the next challenge. but I can assure you that it took me much longer to forgive myself than it did for those effected to forgive me.
As your Avatar indicates, I am glad that you are SuperMom to your SD and any other children you may have. Just as I am glad to be Dad to my own SS. Who, BTW, is a very well adjusted young man of improving character who I am proud of, proud to be Dad to and proud to call my son.
You are welcome to your opinion of my actions just as I am to my opinion of yours. You seem to be supporting your SD well with therapy and meds. You may want to try adding accountability for her own actions to your parenting repertoire. And beating who ever abused her to a black and blue pulp.(Figuratively of course)
All just my opinion, perspective and actions ......
Good luck and best regards,