OK, we have SD15 this weekend. This will be the first time I have seen her since June, and I'm sure BM has spent a lot of time filling her head with how awful I am. It's just a given. So, here's how the weekend will go:
SD will arrive at our house and go straight to her bedroom, avoiding the room I am in at all costs. She will not greet me nor her two half-sisters. She may remain in her room for an hour or more. When she finally emerges, SD will come into the living room, still ignoring me and possibly ignoring her two half-sisters. She will mope around like our house is the most boring place on the planet. Then she will go downstairs to her computer (yes, she has her own). She will spend at least an hour there as well. She will then mope back upstairs, go through the pantry and refrigerator, complain to her father that we have nothing good to eat, then go back to her bedroom. She will not make another appearance unless she has decided it is time to camp out on the couch for at least three hours watching television. She will then snap at her two half-sisters when they try to talk to her or ask if they can watch something on TV. To "cheer her up" and make up for her having to spend time at our awful house, her father will offer to take her shopping or run an unnecessary errand just so SD can drive. She will bitch and moan, even though he's doing something nice for her, then return home after several hours and a lot of money spent on her and mope some more. She may even complain loudly about everything in her world.
Repeat this for the next two days.
I will be gritting my teeth to avoid telling them both (SD and her father) how I feel about them and the whole damn situation. And BDs will wonder why everyone is so uptight and on edge.
My only high point will be looking forward to SD going back to BM's to infect her house with SD's negative attitude.
Uggghhhh
I feel for you! I wouldn't be making any concessions for her though. Too bad she doesn't like it! Wah. Boo hiss is what I say. Tell her to get over it. My SD used to do the same thing, only she lived w/us.....I told her one day to get over herself. She kinda did for a short while anyway.
Elizabeth- a suggestion
Ok, so you already KNOW exactly how the weekend will play out, right?
So why should you care?
These are the facts:
SD could care less about you.
She could really care less about being at your house.
She could care less about spending time with her half-sisters.
She could care less about spending time with her dad, unless it benefits her in some way.
My SD16 is EXACTLY the same way. And I used to get myself all worked up just like you. Unfortunately, though, she's with us A LOT more- 50% of the time. And in the summers, I'M the one who's here with her while she skulks around, only to emerge from her room to eat or to leave the house when she needs a ride.
And it used to drive me crazy! My stomach used to get in knots just THINKING about her coming over. I used to get a tic in my eye! But no more. I just go about my business like she wasn't even there.
It's obvious your SD doesn't care about being there- so why should you? Why should you change ONE THING about your weekend while she's there? If it really bothers you- do some extra errands with your other daughters and let your DH spend some "one-on-one quality time" with her. She's not your responsibility.
Self-preservation, baby! She doesn't want a relationship with your family and it takes two to tango. So you can't do anything else to force it. You only have to make it through the weekend. Don't let her know she's 'getting to you' or that will add to her joy!
And if all else fails- add wine!
Hang in there
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I agree
It's tough. SD was with us much more (65 percent of the time) until this summer. And she always acts this way. I guess I really only care for my husband's sake. Deep down, he still has this idea that we will be one big happy family. Deep down, he thinks if only I was more understanding/forgiving with SD, everything would be fine. In other words, let her treat us like crap because that's what makes her happy. Problem is, I can't do that. So, I worry about how husband perceives my actions (and believe me, he IS judging them).
I need to just let go, I know. I've just never failed with a child before. And if I do things with my BDs and leave SD and husband alone, she gets what she wants by driving a wedge between us. It's a no-win situation. I need to stop worrying about it.
I do agree
with 5teens. But, if you only care for DH, then I say let it go. Before Sd16 moved back in with us, I used to get more worked up over things than he did. Something happened, and I just realized one day that I can choose to worry about this kid who ( I assumed) didn't care about us, or I could just fugetboutit. I did the latter. Now, I am more at peace than I have ever been where she is concerned. She has recently moved back in with us and things that used to just eat at me that she did, I could give 2 shits less about now. Strange, and I don't really understand what happened in my head. I wish I did understand it and could tell you how to do the same.
I would agree with 5teens and go about your daily life as if she isn't there. Maybe she is wanting a reaction and you are giving it to her. Maybe she will change after she sees you don't stand around irritated at her for sulking. Good luck.
Do we have the same DH?
Only i'm not married to mine. I was just at a very "pollyanna" EAP website sponsored by my work. Basically it advised stepmoms to:
Let the bio parent do all the discipline (what discipline?)
Let the bio parent have one on one time with skid(s)
Be understanding and supportive of DH and skid(s)
Find good things about each skid/dwell on the positive (uh there isn't any)
Just be a backseat passenger and all will be well
This website did NOT take into consideration a psycho PASinator BM at the helm, or guilt parenting on the part of the bio dad.
UGH!!
Sounds like the same
Regarding that advice:
* Husband doesn't discipline SD. The worst he will do is "talk to her." As long as she can sit still while he flaps his jaw, she's free to do whatever she wants. The ONE time in the past ten years that I actually saw him spank SD, they spent 30 minutes negotiating the terms of the spanking. Yes, he actually let SD tell him where she would be sitting/lying, how many times he would spank her, how hard it would be, etc.
* Husband tried to tell me when we married that he planned to continue taking a vacation every year, just him and SD. OK, we barely have enough money for ONE vacation, let alone two. And how do you explain to BDs why they don't get a vacation with just their dad. Or a vacation with just their mom? That eventually died out on its own.
* My understanding and support has been smashed into the ground.
* I used to praise SD every chance I got, so it didn't just seem I was onto her about her bad behavior. Nobody appreciated the praise, so I quit. Plus I was seeing less and less to praise.
* I don't take the backseat with anybody. SD used to get mad when we went somewhere as a family and I actually expected her to sit in the back seat, not up front with my husband while I was in the back. And he half agreed with her.
Your DH & Mine were separated at birth!
He, too, was under this allusion that all of us were going to be "one big happy family" with the happy soundtrack music playing in the background!
And all my emotions, actions, nonactions, etc, were CONSTANTLY being judged and graded (and I never passed in his eyes).
The funny thing was, his "Little Princess" never seemed to be on the same grading scale. HER actions, nonactions, motives etc were/are NEVER called into question. She can do no wrong.
Last week, DH actually stood in front of me and admitted that he was AFRAID to give her simple consequences for a broken rule that HE CREATED and SD agreed to! I was absolutely stunned.
Where do you go from there? Even my therapist was dumbfounded with answering that one!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Apparently, that site's author obviously
doesn't have skids.....what a JOKE!
EXACTLY!
And I know about the front seat thing. To this day, if they see me approaching the car, it takes BF to have to TELL them to get out of the passenger seat and move to the back!!! (after FOUR F'NG YeArS !!!)
I had made a rule last year "NO RIDING SHOTGUN" EVEN IF I was not riding with them that time; they were ALWAYS shouting "i call shotgun!" and jumping into the passenger seat. I wanted to break them of this habit.
This boundary was immediately obliterated along with all the other rules that BF supposedly agreed to. All they have to do is look up at him with their BIG BLUE EYES (just like daddy's eyes) and he melts, even if they have just hacked several people to death.
HAHAHA
All they have to do is look up at him with their BIG BLUE EYES (just like daddy's eyes) and he melts, even if they have just hacked several people to death.
That reminds me of Shrek 2 I think where the little kitty looks up with his big brown eyes, and then shreds the enemy.....hahahaha
While I agree with the
While I agree with the others that not letting it bother you is the best plan, that's often on of the hardest things to do. If she realizes I'm just ignoring her then my SD will do more and more to disrupt things (like talking over me if I talk to anyone else at the dinner table, or shouting at DH about how 'useless' he is).
The thing that bothers me is that it's supposed to be half my house that I have opened to DH's children - and I'm being pushed out of it by SD. What do you do if you have nowhere else to go? I've taken to going to the cinema if it's open or just wandering around town until they've gone to bed. I've tried adding wine but that's getting expensive and bad for my health. Any other suggestions?
Do let us know if you find a good way of dealing with the weekend. I know I'd appreciate any tips.
P.S.
Both BF and BM have never laid ONE HAND on any of the three. They have NEVER been spanked even if they ran out into the road with cars coming!!! The oldest is going to be 12.
They start bawling IMMEDIATELY and launch into a tantrum at the slightest raise of tone in your voice!!!
Act happy--it's your best revenge
I, too, had to live with a mopey, unhappy, manipulative SD16. She was a living Eyeore donkey (remember from Winnie the Pooh?). The raincloud that floated above her head eventually extended to the entire house when she was "in residence"--and that's exactly the control she desired.
At first I reacted to it with stress and confusion. Then I decided to give the little bitch exactly the OPPOSITE of what she expected from me. I couldn't change the situation, but I could exert my own form of manipulation and control.
So I pretended to be happy. Really happy. I smiled and laughed and joked like I was the happiest person on the planet. When she entered the room, I smiled broadly and happily greeted her. Then I chattered to her about how great everything was and asked her questions about herself--completely IGNORING the Eyeore behavior. I wouldn't let her run and hide while she was in the same room as me. I was in her face. I acted like she was a completely normal person.
Given SDs reaction to my goodwill and happiness, you'd think I sprayed her with RAID. And yes folks, that's exactly the reaction I expected.
I turned the tables and was once again in control of the mood of the home. And what could SD do to complain about me? Stepmom is too happy? Stepmom laughs too much? Stepmom talks to me?
Yes, it was an effort to appear happy when I was not, but it got a lot easier when the power dynamic quickly shifted back in my favor. SD never changed, but I sure did. I learned that when a kid tries to wrest control from you and force you to react to THEM and their vile moods, just act the opposite of what they expect.
Smile. Be happy.
At the very least, their reactions are fun to watch. Might as well get some entertainment from the situation.
Remember, YOU ARE IN CONTROL. Never doubt that for a minute.
Sarah- you are my HERO!!!
You totally rock
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Thanks
I hope your weekend goes well, Elizabeth!
My life in 10 years
Oh WOW I feel for you. I guess this answers my husbands hopes of everything being sunshine and roses with "a little work". You have to want to work, and nobody is willing to do that. There is one more day left of this weekend, and I hope you at least had a little fun.
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