So, I finally *officially* met SS3 and SD5 today - many of you remember my struggle with getting to meet them because BF was "scared of her taking the kids away from him" because she threatened to just because she doesn't want him to move on. They have been separated for a little over a year now.
The kids were terrific and we had a great time together They talked to me a lot and smiled a lot and treated me as though I had always been a part of their lives. I was a little surprised because they don't usually act so open with someone new from what BF has said.
So BF took them home and let BM know that they saw me and spent a little time with me today. Her reaction?
1. Did she play Mommy?
2. Is this going to be a habit that you guys see her?
3. She's a homewrecker.
Sadly, she spoke this way in front of the kids, even though they never talk badly about anything in front of them. He just said "goodbye" and left. I was proud of him.
So, I am wondering what everyone here thinks is going to happen next? Prepare us!
She sounds like a nut
She sounds like a nut case.
A habit??? hello, he is moving on. And would she rather you be mean and hateful to her kids, then being nice and helping out??
Why would she refer to you as a homewrecker. You didnt get together until they were seperated. Good lord.
What will probably happen... She is going to be not nice to you forever (personal experience) and will probably do some PAS on the kids, convincing them that YOU are the reason they are no longer together and stuff like that.
I have always been kind and nice to the skids, and the bm HATES me for it. Hates that they like me etc!! WHY?? because she is irrational. I honestly think that she would prefer someone that hated them or was so indifferent that the kids didnt like me. When in reality she should be thankful for another human being loving her children and doing kind things for them.
Sorry. I dont mean to be a Debbi Downer.. but.. she sounds like a nut case, just like my dh's ex.
Oh I know it won't be smooth
Oh I know it won't be smooth sailing....and I don't care about her not being nice to me. She wasn't nice to me before, so I certainly didn't expect that to change for the best. I will be the bigger person and just gripe about her on here
She is a bit of a nut case - she has OCD and is controlling and manipulative. But, that seems to be all of the BM's that we post about...
So how did things turn out FrustratedinMA? I anticipate a lengthy battle here, but one that is ultimately up to BF to put his foot down on.
Be strong with-
BF up front about your views and what's fair to you. In my experience, BFs and DHs run from any "wave making" event to the point of . . . of, I can't even think of a word. I see my DH as an ostrich in these kinds of situations.
Be strong.
YES Make sure you put your foot down
while still in the "honeymoon" phase with your BF/DH or it will just get ugly. From all the experienced stepmoms here, the ones that sucked up and did whatever the BM, skids and DH/BF told them to do are sorry for it in the end. As am I.
Exactly Same
So when I met my fiance's children after 6 mos of dating - his kids where 3 and 5 and he had been divorced 1.5 yrs. BM reaction was to not talk to me. But after 3yrs of t-ball games/practices/school functions/etc. she has somewhat warmed up to me (I guess she feels it is better than making an A$$ of herself in public). She still freaks out (starts not talking to me or whatever, calls us back to court to raise CS, that kida crap) everytime we get more serious (after we moved in together, after our engagement, after we bought a house). But she is 80% ok 80% of the time. Thank you Lord.
Amen to putting your foot down
Putting your foot down is the key. I agree with vegankat, DH & BFs are so afraid of their ex wifes that they will do almost anything to avoid making waves. Before I was married to my DH, I didn't say much about the kids and how he should be parenting and not what she told him to do, because I thought it wasn't my place... But when we got married and he and his kids moved into my house I felt I had every right to voice my opinion. I am sure my DH thought "who is this woman I married" I should of said how I felt in the beginning, it would of saved a lot of heartache and resentment toward him and his kids.
After my husband and I almost divorced I finally figured it out. I was so tired of living my life according to her schedule. She basically treated us as babysitters, taxi cab drivers and not to mention her own personal ATM machine. I told my DH that we weren't going to make it unles we started living our lives on our own schedules. I woke up in the middle of the night one day and I said if he can write a plan with her on how the DH and BM lives will work (i.e,parenting plan, financial documents, etc), so can I. I drafted a marriage document that included everything that their agreement had. Our Parenting plan, finances, where we are going to live, etc. The most important part was our parenting schedule and how much "extra" we both agreed to spending on his kids.
We sat down one day just like you would do with a mediator and worked out all the details. This was only a 1 year plan, however we both committed to draft a new one every year. Just like in real life I didn't get everything I wanted but for the first time neither did he. This resulted in him having less overnights with his kids, which increased his CS but in reality he has spent more time with them because he promised to do more school things with them, taking them to dinner once per week, etc. I can attend if I want, however according to the agreement it is completely up to me with no questions asked.
This might not work for everyone since a lot of the skids are younger than mine but for me I finally feel like I have some control over my life again. It was the most free feeling and I should of done this 2 years ago.
We just updated the plan today to include a 3-5 year plan which included having a baby and possibly moving to a new house. This time it felt like the plan was about us rather than "them". We had several items in there about his kids but it didn't seem to be the main theme this time.
Just an idea for you Arinna especially if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this man.
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