Last night I come home from a long day at work; BF had a long day too, but he had that "sulking" "dazed" look on his face and I KNEW something was wrong. I asked SEVERAL times what was wrong only to get "nothing" "NOTHING"
Then he starts with the inquisition. "what is this document? is this all our bills? Is this life insurance for your bioson?"
At first I said no, b/c i had completely forgot about the fact that I had signed up for my new work's life insurance company.
Then he went to my phone and "uncovered" a text message of me asking my bioson for his SS# as I didn't have my files with me at the new job and I needed it for LIFE INSURANCE.
BF: "you LIED to me!"
Then somehow it got on the subject of my kids b/c lord knows my kids don't DESERVE anything b/c they don't call me 24/7 like he did when his parents were alive.
I then told him that his kids were wild and spoiled. KABOOM!!!
He told me if we split up he wants EVERYTHING sold including house, vehicles, appliances, you name it and he is to get HALF!
this is after i told him that his work around the house is really in lieu of RENT! KABOOM!
So now I KNOW why he wants to get married and get life insurance; he wants his "share" of the pie that he thinks is owed to him.
Of course he told me that his kids are "normal" and "fine" and that he gets compliments on their behaviour all the time.
I said "really? i've been with you for over 4 years and all i've seen is nasty looks while they are jumping over the table, blocking the aisle, spewing chunks of food, etc."
KABOOM!
He told me that he used to get compliments on their APPEARANCE (even that i question) and not on their behaviour, which I quickly corrected him on.
Apples and Oranges; back to my GROWN biokids who never bother anyone. oh they are just TERRIBLE. my daughter is currently a home maker and is not currently employed and that is a sign i'm a terrible joan-crawford like parent
my son is not making headlines in the news for wonderful and new inventions so that is a sign of terrible parenting (single parenting that is) on my part.
i told him that his children are the victims of his guilt parenting and underparenting and the BM's no parenting whatsoever.
KABOOM!
I used the example of last week. In my book it is inappropriate for a stb 6 yr old to ask me, an adult, the same question over and over and over and over and have me respond the same way each time.
He told me I was being an "ass" to SS when I told SS please do not ask me the same question over and over again (4 times in 20 minutes). I'm supposed to respond each and every time like he does "not yet, SS not yet, SS not yet,SS not yet SS, not yet SS" and so on. I told him that I tell children things once and I expect them to know the first time and trust in me to have accurate information.
He told me this was not normal parenting and that I'm sick and twisted and this is why my kids don't call me b/c they really hate me (as i speak i am IMing with my daughter)
I told him that i do not ASK a stb 6 yr old if they WANT to take a shower, it's simply "shower time" no options.
He thought this was "cruel and unusual parenting"
Other than counseling I don't know where to go. I even told him that his older brother said that he doesn't want skids coming over to the cottage by the lake b/c they were so over the top and hyperactive compared to all the other children. BF's response? "My brother is a FINE example, his adult children are pieces of crap (he didn't use the word "crap")
So everything is MY fault, his children are perfect, my children are crap, and he wants half of everything should we break up. OY!
OMG.. Crayon.. I am so soo
OMG.. Crayon.. I am so soo sorry. You should be able to leave your insurance policy to WHOMEVER you want. Just because he is the bf does NOT entitle him to be your beneficiary.
He would be lost w/o you, I dont know why he is pushing the envelope here.. As for half of everything, wouldnt happen.. They would look at who the house is deeded to, and that is it.. The cops would just ask him to leave. What's yours is yours, what is his is his.. You are not married.
Why didnt he ask that shrew he married for HALF?!?!!??! she took him to the cleaners, I would remind him of that.. that he is barking up the wrong tree, he should have gotten half the sale of THAT house, not this house.
Start charging him rent on top of services rendered, seeing as how its a slow going process w/the skids are there.
I am truly sorry that you had to fight about this..
Oh I did
remind him that he let her have everything but then I told him that was probably b/c she is the "mother of his children" trademark
Do you need a fork?
As in stick a fork in it, you're done? What a bunch of garbage you're putting up with. I don't remember for sure... did you buy the house together? I think I recall that it was your house and he moved in? Where oh where would he get the idea he gets half?? Sorry you're dealing with all of this from him - don't let his unrealistic expectations of what he thinks he's entitled to deter you from getting out if that's what you decide. At MOST you'd split any gain in equity during the time he lived there - and that's only required in a divorce! Will he go to counseling? Things can get bad sometimes but still be worth working through... a year ago I had my fork in hand and ready but things are pretty good now and it's back in the drawer with all the other silverware.
Hang in there, or don't... you deserve better so go whichever direction will get some of this stress out of your life!
All I can say is "wow" to
All I can say is "wow" to the things he feels he's "entitled" to. You're not married, and his name isn't on the house anywhere, so he gets nothing. He may as well be a tenant that lives there. Property is only divided 50/50 when you are married, regardless of who the house is deeded to. Not married = nothing. When he gets done trying to get these things that aren't entitled to him, he will barely have a pot to piss in, so he'd better watch his step.
As for your parenting, I think it should be applauded. I think that your rules are very realistic. I don't believe that young children should have what they want, when they want it. They only become worse and worse as they get older. So many men seem to parent with guilt, and then everyone is left to reap the consequences when they begin growing up and become mean, manipulative, and belligerent teenages and adults.
I would suggest that, if you have any desire to still be with this man, that you try counseling. If you both really want it to work, then there's a very good chance that things will improve. If he refuses, then sadly, there is your answer. Then you are free to kick him to the curb to find another woman to leech off of. You definitely deserve better. He does not respect you at this point, from what you've written.
Good luck!
crayon get out
seriously, i know u say theres love there, but if he really loved u he wouldnt care about what he gets WHEN u guys split up...thats f'd up. u deserve sooooo much better. u have been putting up w his bs and awful children for waaayyyyy too long. start looking out for U.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
oh.. Crayon, I meant to
oh.. Crayon, I meant to tell you.. the other night I was having an arguement w/my dh and it was along the lines of your fight w/bf.. So once things calmed down, I asked him, did your parents do these things w/you and your brother?? he said no. I said, then WHY do you do these w/the skids?? He said.. well.. its different for divorced dads.. I said.. No.. its not. It should be the same rules and expectations whether or not the family is intact, and how did he think guilty parenting would affect his children in the future?? That there is NOT a seperate set of parenting rules/skills for divorced dads.
I couldnt believe that he 1) admits that he would be sterner w/them if he was still married to their mother, and 2) thinks that it is ALLOWABLE how he parents BECAUSE he is divorced.
NUTS.. they are all NUTS!
Right, I brought up the example that he should parent
AS IF he were still an INTACT family and not a guilty divorced dad. That went over like a lead balloon
anymore i think
that the kids of intact families are the ones who should be spoiled...im so sick of parents using divorce as an excuse to let their kids act like little asses...these kids get 2 of everything PLUS a TON of money spent on them thanks to CS that poor kids of "intact" families dont get. in my eyes, having 2 parents who love u and are together is better than anything money can buy BUT im just so tired of everyone feeling sorry for these "divorced" kids. hey, if their parenst werent such asses and could actually PARENT instead of all the bs and game playing, they would grow up just fine
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Your BF must enjoy
living in his head with Peter Pan and the Easter Bunny.
Crayon, if you could go anywhere and do anything in the world right now without guilt, regret, or second-guessing yourself, what would it be? You sound very dispassionate about the whole thing, as if you really don't give a rat's that he's mad and said nasty things. Are you at the point where you just don't care anymore?
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
Yeah pretty much
When things like this happen (and I've been known to have a 4 year "high water mark" with relationships)
I just want him to go and make his own way in the world. Of course that would mean working a 2nd job and not seeing his kids nearly as often as he does now; he would be so busy working, paying half his salary to the BM as he has always done and then trying to make ends meet without my help. He would have to find another "sugar mama"
I could sell the house and break even then move on I suppose.
It would be different if we maintained separate households and he was coming over to my house and working on it for free, THEN he could talk about me "owing" him something, but because he pays an occasional bill here and there and no rent, I can't see where he gets off thinking that he owns half of everything I own. Now you can see why I don't want to marry a man who is financially and emotionally indebted to his ex until the year 2028!
I can totally see why you
I can totally see why you wont marry him.. he is definitely a needy person.
I guess we know where some of that false sense of entitlement that the skids have comes from!!
Might not be a bad idea to move on.
Oh yeah
and BF was "just venting" about BM not telling him that SD was in the emergency room; nothing to hold her in contempt about although a clear and patterned violation of the DD is seen repeatedly.
Very odd
Maybe you should try to clarify, with him and for you, just exactly why he wants to get married? If it is anything related to what he would 'get' when you die, that would tick me off! It sounds kind of suspicious too, like does he think you are dying any time soon?
I think he is just trying to take his best shot at getting part of what YOU have worked so hard for, and maybe is just not thinking clearly due to being so broke due to BM/child support, etc. It is terrifying being broke, as we know!!
You don't have to give him anything! I know you will not let yourself be pressured into anything!! If he doesn't like it, let him move on, you don't have to kick him out, let him decide. But do not cave!!!!!!!!!
I wonder just where he would have been without you all this time?!! He sounds very confused but I know you will straighten him out dear
Oh and re. parenting his positions are just ridiculous. He/BM/Skids do not see it that way though, because it does not suit them or profit them to, and lessens their manipulation ability!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
He wanted to know
"where he stands" in the relationship. He told me he wants to get married b/c if one of us dies, then the other wouldn't be left "destitute" (meaning HIM of course, I would NOT be left destitute were he to pass on)
He has convinced himself that he has saved me SOOOOOOOOO much money buy fixing the cars, remodeling the house, etc. That is true but on the other side of the accounting ledger, he has COST me money in legal fees, i have done legal and business paperwork for him, provided him with a home rent free, paid the bills, $$$$ for the disneyland dad scenario, etc. etc.
He doesn't seem to see the OTHER side of the ledger. I have shown him paperwork before about the income and outgo of the budget, which he refuses to believe right there in black and white (DE-NIAL)
Once he got completely angry b/c I told him that our electric bill is over $200 a month regardless of the season. Now here in NYS it is HIGH and we have a company called NYSEG which is notoriously high. He just couldn't believe it and said that I was "reading the metre wrong" or something like that!!!!
Most of our electric bill here in NYS is surcharge, after surcharge, after tax, after user fees, and very little to do with actual USAGE, and even THAT is high comparitive to other states.
And he still has this fantasy about "all of our kids" and not "mine and yours" I believe that is because HIS kids would win out much more than MINE if we started talking "OUR" kids. He has three young children and my two are GROWN. TOTAL difference!
Plus I told him that he has no "looming crazy ex" to deal with on my side. My 2nd husband is deceased and my 1st husband lives 300 miles away and has nothing to do with me whatsoever as my daughter is 26 yrs old. He seemed to understand THIS factor but that is all.
State of Denial
Hey Girl - I just went through this - not with the kids but the BM and my FH was in a total state of denial. You can yell and scream your head off and have these horrible fights and say nasty mean things to each other and I know girl - you don't get anywhere with him it is like talking to the wall because in HIS MIND he thinks he is perfect and his kids are perfect and he is RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. Like you I have a BS who is grown so I know what it is to be a parent and how kids do not have options. You can in no way shape or form "ask" a 6yr old to take a shower of course they are going to say NO. You have to tell them - that is what a parent is being all about. TIME FOR A REALITY CHECK BF. My FH and I are in counseling right now and let me tell you it got worse before it got better (now on week six with us both going seperatly once a week, and together once a week). My FH lives in my house just like your BF and I was ready to throw him the hell out and I would have if he did not agree to counseling. So my advice if you really want to work this out is go to counseling. If he doesn't agree to go then I would feel like he didn't give a crap and I would send him and his bratty ass kids on their way. AND you don't owe him half of anything - sounds like he has been having it pretty cushy. My FH pays half of my bills here at the house and has done a lot of remodeling. As far as I am concerned he did that in good faith and if we were to break up I wouldn't pay him for it. He is being a master manipulator and he needs to get his head out of his ass before he loses the best woman he ever had!!! Hang in there girl I know it's hard to walk away after so many years have gone by but if you can hang in there and IF he is willing to go to counseling you could have a real good shot. Take care of YOU!.
Honestly? Do you really need to ask?
There is a lack of trust on his part and you guys aren't even married yet. He is already spewing mean things, just because you give him a dose of reality. He is looking for his share after contributing minimally. I never like to say run, but I would.
I had a girlfriend who was dating this guy (no kids involved). His idea of proposal was to take her house hunting with him while he was looking for a new place. His new place turned into a "oh btw, what do you say we get married?" SO, his supposedly new TH turned into their new built from the ground up 4/2 home. Turns out he didn't have a freakin dime to put toward buying anything. She sank most of her savings into the dream of marriage. On the honeymoon cruise he beat the sh#t out of her, to where ship security was involved. She still continued on ignoring the signs. After about a yr of the craziness, she decided she was going to leave him only to find out that she was pregnant. So, she stayed. After the baby was born he wouldn't buy anything for the baby and I'm talking not diapers, formula or freaking motrin when the baby was sick. She had to pay for everything. They finally divorced after I sat her down to figure out the expenses. Turns out she was paying 75% of the freakin bills. When she saw that she was carrying the load, she finally left and was ok. He fought like hell for his "SHARE" even though it was HER money that built the house and her money that paid the majority of the mortgage and other household expenses. He did not even want her to remain in the home with their infant child. After the dust settled, he took his "SHARE" and bought a TH and then a 5/3 home. So while she was busy in love, he was busy counting $$$. He viewed her as his stepping stone or the leg up. He never really wanted to be married, he just knew that was the only way to control her and the relationship, that she would work that much harder to make it work and not walk away so easily.
I know this story is different from your situation, but the underlying message sounds the same. Honey, if he is already counting the $$$, RUN.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
UPDATE: I just volunteered
to dogsit for my biodaughter and her husband on any given weekend. She was lamenting that she didn't have anyone to look after the dogs while they go away for the weekend. She lives over an hour away from my house (lots of distance, a bonus) So I'm just going to tell BF that I am "on call" to dog sit for any upcoming weekend and hopefully it will coincide with one of the hellish "on the fly" visitations.
I am also going to re-establish disengaging. I found myself re-engaging the last two or three visitations which has led to all sorts of trouble from BF. I must admit it was very peaceful when I just let him deal with the skid(s) all by himself. And I am going to go to counseling as well as soon as possible.
Yay!
Hey, I am glad you are looking at some options to what seems to keep going around and around - I hope you get to 'dog sit' this weekend-!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Good job Cray!
Hang in there and stick to your guns!
good for u crayon!
glad to see ur taking steps to take care of u
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Do a lot of Dog-Sitting!
Take yourself out of that situation as much as possible. He sure has some nerve. I was so angry after reading your initial post and read it to my DH. His reaction? "What a f*****g nutjob! She needs to tell him to GTFO."
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