Well, we aren't even through the first full grounded week yet and SD is already acting like we are horrible parents for giving her consequences. Also, she is angry and indignant toward us, because DH told her he won't get around to buying her any new school shoes or clothes (she just got just about a new wardrobe, shoes included before her summer trip to CA.) But those are Nikes and she THINKS he promised her Pumas (when I was out of town they picked her up new soccer cleats and he said they'd see what she got when they went school shopping. But if you don't say NO to SD, but rather, "we'll see" she files that into her brain as though you said, "OMG YES! I can't wait for you to have PUMAS for school!!!!" She is also demanding new jeans (she has a ton of them already) and wants an Adidas back pack because "all the other girls on the soccer team have one so it's kinda like part of our uniform." To which we replied, "Oh! Is Adidas sponsoring your team now? In that case FANTASTIC! They'll be supplying those backpacks, and shoes and uniforms then, won't they?"
So now she's throwing more tantrums.
Today she was bugging me as to when I was taking her shopping, because she is going to her mom's tomorrow night and Wed night. I said, "I don't do those things for you anymore. That is between you and your mom and dad. Since you started blaming me for everything and taking everything out on me, you blew it. If I'm not good enough to be your parent when DH is correcting you, when we are sitting down to discuss the problems we're having with you, then I can't be your parent when it's convenient for you because you want me to buy you something.
Last night I stopped over at my neighbor's house (who's daughter is friends with SD and was caught sneaking out a different night, which her mom found out later included sneaking a 16 year old into her bedroom and giving him oral sex. The mom/neighbor is beside herself. And yet, her daughter's grounding is far less than SD's for sneaking out. Of course we still don't know what kinds of things SD was up to that night either.
During the talk the mom discussed why her daughter wasn't hanging out or trusting another girl who's in the Brat Pack of our neighborhood. That girl went to a football game the other night and told everyone what the other girl did with the boy. Now she's going to start school this week in the midst of rumors she is a slut.
So my neighbor (the mom) said she was glad that my SD was her daughter's friend, because SD would never gossip about her daughter.
Ummm....no. So after several pointed statements from me indicating that SD was staying friends with the other gossiper, AND that SD and that other gossip girl are always competing to get all the attention, and I'm not sure they would stop at anything to get that attention, even at the expense of someone else. I said all of this in the nicest way possible, as in, "Honey, I would be VERY careful who you talk to, and I would maybe save all these kinds of things for a friend who doesn't even go to your school. Then there
is no way the rumors can get around your school like this.)
So SD's friend tells me at the end, "You are so much more understanding than SD tells me you are." I said, "Oh...I'm SURE you hear all about how evil and wicked I am" and she just smiled and said, Well now I know both sides."
I hope this girl finds better friends.
I told DH that I was worried as I have trusted this neighbor in the past and she ended up telling her daughter things I said, then the daughter told SD. But he said not to sweat it. SD is bringing it all on herself.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
oh sita
youre doing the best u can, really...the best ANYONE can given the circumstances. im curious...what did SD say when u told her u wouldnt take her shopping bc of those reasons?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
She walked away and quit listening
It's what she does every time she demands a "Why" for something. So when she asked why I wouldn't take her shopping or do anything for her anymore, I only got part of it out before she was gone. If you don't follow her then she refuses to hear you. Then she complains that we don't listen to "them" meaning the boys too. Ironically the boys don't feel that way about me so tough cookie. I tried to explain to her that I allow her to state her whole thought, then when I try to respond to it with my thoughts she interrupts, and THAT it is her who is actually NOT listening, not me.
She means that because I don't agree with what she says, I am not listening to her.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Good for your husband
Sita, I totally sympathize with your situation with SD. I think it's great that your husband is backing you up and trying to deal with this behavior. When SD14 (at the time) spent the night with a friend, we found out a week later that she snuck out (with the friend) and went to a boy's house and spent several hours there. Doing God knows what.
Know what my husband did to punish her? Nothing. Talked to her, which is all he ever does. As long as she can sit through one of husband's "talks," SD is free to do whatever she wants. I was dumbfounded and had to say "Not my kid, not my problem."
And good for your husband about the shoes. Mine spent $120 on personalized Nike Shox for SD after he bought her a pair and she didn't like them. (Even though she picked them out.)
My DH is very strict
He is so disappointed in her. This weekend we went to his class reunion. He always took the hardest courses and earned 2nd valedictorian in his class. He only didn't get first valedictorian because he transferred there his freshman year from a school who's gym teacher (a former national gymnast) gave their final grade in gym by timing them on how fast they could climb the ropes. Apparently he did it on a curve using the times and DH got a B. Isn't that stupid? That B was his only one and the other first valedictorian took all the easier classes, and snatched the first val spot because she never got a B. They all joke about it now.
Now SD gets a D in gym for refusing to dress. Where is that flippin' "board" of education these days. That "board" was all I needed to inspire me to comply on most rules because I never wanted the pain or embarrassment of it's wrath.
She is always trying to do the least possible to get the most praise she can from DH. But he is very tired of her crap now.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh Sita - once again I'm so
Oh Sita - once again I'm so sorry that you have to endure all of this. How did you guys end up catching her in the act of sneaking out?
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
She had been baiting me to listen to her gossip
About her "best friend" (this changes almost daily) sneaking a 16 year old boy in her bedroom to give him oral sex. Because I wasn't interested in hearing the story from anyone other than the girls mom (our neighbor two doors down I've written about before) SD became frustrated and continued to tell me that EVERYONE knew including her other "best friend"'s aunt (the girl who's dad died a few years ago and her aunt has custody because her mom is a drug addict.) And finally told me that this girl's aunt insisted SD tell me what their friend did.
I shared all that with the friend's mom when we had the chat the other night.
So anyway, SD kept saying, "I would NEVER ever sneak out at night because you are TOO SMART and would catch me." OVER AND OVER, with "My friend's are so stupid, but they also have "clueless" parents." Etc.
So my ninja mom reflexes told me that she was planning it for that very night.
I waited up. I actually did not sleep at all that night. We are getting a security system now, which is an expense we don't need at the moment, and unfortunately for SD may make us put off her coveted braces til next year if we can't afford both.
I have a feeling if we do she'll call CPS on us for neglect.
Please.
Braces are a privilege, not an entitlement. And since she is in this major clique, as well as has had a BF non-stop, I don't think it's ruining her social life any.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
w/o being condescending sita
im really so proud of u and ur new outlook and way of handling her. since caring too much is obviously not effective, maybe being apathetic about her bs will.
now is the time to focus on u, DH, ur boys and anna.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Thanks Bella
I don't think you are the least bit condenscending
The difficulty for me is that now that she's home, my stress hormones have kicked back in. My face started breaking out again within days of her return (it was totally clear the whole five weeks she was gone) and though I lost 15 pounds when she wasn't here, I have fifteen more that are not budging now that she's back. It's like my body is preparing for a plague, drought or famine because it doesn't understand what the heck the source of the stress is.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I love what you said!
about why you won't take her: "Since you started blaming me for everything and taking everything out on me, you blew it. If I'm not good enough to be your parent when DH is correcting you, when we are sitting down to discuss the problems we're having with you, then I can't be your parent when it's convenient for you because you want me to buy you something."
Whoa! I bet she didn't know what to say to that! Maybe she will think it thru and decide, hey I can't have it both ways! the universe thanks you
!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I think I did get all that out before she ran upstairs to avoid
hearing me.
She does that often, as I wrote above. Demands an explanation, then when you try to give her one that isn't what she wants to hear she goes upstairs. She couldn't slam her door because DH took it off her room for continuing to slam it the other night, so she slammed the bathroom door instead. If she continues that this weekend, she will lose the bathroom door as well. The boys can use ours for privacy, but she will have to undress in the shower, dry off in the shower and dress in her closet if she keeps it up.
She is in JAIL after all. Just thinking she needs the prep for her eventual visit there anyway.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
all I can say is KUDOS
to you and DH!!!!! He did the right thing. Good for him! And good for you!!!!
Thanks Sia
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Sita...
I doubt very highly that your home is resembled as a prison....That is my house or at least it was.... Your SD has no clue how good she has it. I'm glad your DH isn't turning a blind eye and yall are working together as a team.
Anyone would be greatful to have you in their life, I know I am....
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
Awww....
SW, you are making me blush. You know though, many people are very grateful I'm in their lives. DH more than anyone else I think. He knows I am near a very bad brink if something isn't done. A few weeks ago when she was so good for my SIL and BIL, my MIL and FIL, then the weekend I went away and DH said they only had one argument, I told him, "I guess it's me and sometimes it makes me just want to leave." This is addressed as one of the phases of coping everyone goes through when living with a borderline person. Total assumption of responsibility. As in the BPD finally convinces you it really is all your fault, and that if you were gone then there would be more love for them and they'd be happier.
You know SD is peeved about the puppy being mine, and me sharing it too. I wouldn't have done that if she wouldn't have tried to make her hers (she still is anyway. When I tell her not to play with the puppy too hyper actively, or that if she does something aggressively the puppy will respond unfavorably, she gives me the same reaction she does when I try to help her have a better connection with Anna (who she also forces to sit on her lap and give her kisses- she treats them about the same actually.)
Her response is, "Oh the puppy doesn't do that when I do it."
Ugh.
Poor pup.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
thats funny that the pup and anna have the same reaction to her
u would think it would make her realize its something SHE is doing...but i guess she doesnt even notice their unfavorable reactions. geez
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Poor Baby !!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
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