Well it has been awhile since I have been on here. Things at my home were going fairly well nothing that I didn't think we couldn't handle with persistance. At least until Tuesday, that is when my hell began. My dh ex-wife informed us that she had turned me in for child abuse. We have been having problems with my ss(7), he does not follow directions, he does not answer questions when you speak to him, he just stands there and stares at you, and always says that he wants to be at his mom's or asks when he is going back to bm's. She is a complete control freak that is bipolar and doesn't believe that she needs to take her meds. She is constantly causing problems, saying things to my sk's about me. She says I have no right to discipline them. And that would be fine but my dh doesn't stand up for me to my ss, or to his ex-wife. She told my dh that if we tried to take my sk's then she would file a restraining order on me, I don't think that she can though. DH has gone to the sk's school and sees them there. My sd's and I have a pretty good relationship and my bd's have a good relationship with dh. My relationship with my sd (9) has really improved since she realized that I didn't want to take her bm place.
My ss is now having problems at school with his attitude as well. BM really babies him and expects his sisters to "babysit" him when they are outside. BM send him in shorts that show his privates because they are to little for him, or in pants that are too short on him it looks like they are capri's. And alot of the shirts are to small for him as well. BM drinks in front of the kids, there have been occassions wher sd came upset to our home because of bm drinking. BM is always wanting to change the schedule sending them running a fever without giving them anything for it. SD(11) snuck out of BM and didn't come home till 4:30am, bm had no idea until neighbor told her.
I told my dh that bm puts things in ss's head and he will do anything for her. I am so afraid to even be around ss at all. I did spank ss with my hand but my dh was there when I did. I have a very hard time with my ss, but I would never do anything to bring him any physical or emotional harm. I have a bd that has alot of emotional issues from being molested at daycare, and she can be extremely trying, so I deal with behaviors alot. I just cannot believe that someone is so willing to try to destroy your life. My family is being very supportive and my dh family wants nothing to do with it, it makes me feel like they think I am guilty. My job has put me on leave pending the investigation. So now I am home with nothing but time on my hands, knowing that I have done nothing to physically abuse ss.
SRS has not even interviewed ss or bm. The case worker is out sick. We received notice on Wedneday and my dh has taken 2 days off of work and we have gotten nowhere and they told us it could take up to 45 days to conduct the investigation. I think the waiting is tearing me apart. Not knowing what bm and ss are saying that I have done.
I told my dh that I don't want my ss to come to our home anymore and that if he wants him here than I will have to leave. So far I haven't gotten an answer from dh.
Resign to the facts
After being a SM for 30 years, I offer these words of wisdom:
BM will always be a part of DH's life - and he does not mind it!
SS and SD will always consider BM a current part of DH's life - and he does not mind it!
SS and SD will always talk about BM to other family members in front of you - and DH does not mind it!
DH's family will always consider BM a part of their family - and DH does not mind it!
Regardless of how much you do and give, you will never do or give enough to warrant your position in the family - and DH expects you to continue to do and give.
I gave concluded that basically all DHs secretly enjoy the attention of two women!!!
If I could have a "do over", the title of SM would never apply to me.
You're absolutely right!
Very wise, wisdom!
some more to add:
BM and SD/SS will always talk bad about you to others AND in front of you and DH--and DH does not mind it!
BM and SD/SS will always talk bad about DH to others AND in front of you and DH--and DH does not mind it!
BM and SD/SS will always consider you nothing, worse than crap that won't come off their shoe--and DH does not mind it!
Motto of DHs: Why make waves with BM and SKIDS?? As long as you support DH and as long as THEY'RE happy (BM, DH and skids) that's all that matters, right??!!
What about your job?
Are you a teacher or something? I would be furious at apparently not getting paid during this 45-day 'investigation', and I would sue her for the amount you are out, if you get to return to the job-!! If she ruins your reputation and credibility without cause, she should pay for doing so.
Also, where is your DH in all this? why does his family not support you too, do they really think you are abusive? OMG I am so ill to hear this!!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Now I have a protection from abuse....
Yesterday I was served by the sheriff with a temporary protection from abuse and I am not allowed to be around my skids. My dh has to go pick them up spend a few hours with them and take them home. I spoke with srs and they do not believe that I intentionally hurt him, he had a bruise on his left arm by his arm pit, and a scratch. I did pick him up but I did not do it agressively or in harm to him, my husband and my niece were in the room when I did it, I sat him in a playpen and told him that if he wanted to act like a baby then we were going to treat him like one....I know not the best decision on my part, but I did not leave him in there more than 2 minutes. we are constantly having problems with him and he acts like a baby all of the time. he is always wanting to go to his mom's, he makes it very clear. my dh does not discipline him other than don't do that. bm took him to the police department and the office filed it as a misc. report and there are no criminal charges being filed against me. and srs said that they don't see an abusive pattern and don't feel like i did anything to intentionally hurt him, just waiting on the report saying that which probably wont see until around 9/24.
When I got the court papers, he stated that he fell of a trampoline into a fence, and my sd told bm that he was not on a trampoline. and then later supposidly ss said that I hurt him. We found out today that my ss was in fact on a trampoline at my nieces house before they went to church on sunday and he did in fact fall off, his sister did not know that because she was not there. So he could have gotten the bruise and scratches from falling off of the trampoline. I don't see how I could have put scratches on him because I keep my nails short, due to work, and having to lift people. I truly do not feel that I put him in harms way, putting him in the playpen was bad judgement on my part, but not abusive.
I am a direct support professional and I work with individuals that are developmentally disabled in a work type setting. I have done that for about 3 years now, I have also worked in an autistic classroom and preschool classrooms. This witch is ruinning my life and giving me a record. All over a small bruise and a scratch, which she cannot prove that I did. She told my husband that I humiliated my ss and that because of that it was worth ruinning my life, not because I supposidly was abusive to him but I humiliated him. What is she going to do to the kids that do that to him at school. It is not like she doesn't do it herself, she sends him to our house and school in clothes that are too small for him...but I guess to her that isn't humiliating.
My dh is trying to be supportive, he is just very passive and doesn't want to make waves, he told me that if his family feels that way then he does not want to deal with them. I honestly don't know what they truly think...my fil says I don't love my skids and that my husband should just leave. My mil says that she doesn't want to get involved but i know that she has talked to the bm....it really hurts me that she can't come talk to me, so yes I feel as if they believe I am abusive. No matter what I say the bm twist my words...i told her that if she did not agree with me disciplining my ss then maybe she should just keep him at her house, this is her version..."she will spank and i shouldn't have any problems. and if i did, the i needed to keep ss's f***** ass home." She also said that the kids heard all of it and that they are afraid to come to dh house. The kids were inside and we were probably 50 feet away. And I did see oldest sd last friday when my dh went to see her at school, he brought her out to the car and we talked she held my hand and hugged me and told me that she loved me....does that seem like she is scared of me, if she is those actions totally confuse me.
I was in a very physically abuse with relationship with my bd dad and I would never want to inflict that pain on anyone, especially a child!!!!!
I have cried everyday and I feel so humilated and betrayed, there are days where I just want to run away, but I have nothing to hide. so I am learning to stand up and take it like a beat down sm.
I want to live, laugh and love again.
If this is a pic of you
You look very young; too young to waste your life on a DH that will not support you and and nasty psycho BM; I"m almost 50 so I feel that I probably could not do better, but you being young, well you have so much of your life ahead of you; I would get out now b/c this WILL be a pattern with the BM! AND the pattern of non-support with DH and his family!
Thank you so much for that
Thank you so much for that wonderful comment, I am 32. I do agree with you about this becoming a pattern with bm. My dh and I had a talk last night about how I don't feel that he is being supportive enough of me towards his family!!! This morning he called his mom and told her that he didn't think it was fair for him to listen to his ex wife's story and not mine and how much it has hurt me that they did not believe in me. She is going to call me tonight after work and talk to me. I did find out today that srs findings are unsubstantiated. My husband has voiced his disgust with the bm to her and told her that I did nothing wrong and that I would never do anything to harm my skids. But I don't think she really even cares, she is going to do whatever she wants no matter who it hurts. I would not be suprised if she tries taking my skids away from my dh. She wants to destroy him and if she can't do it through me then she will do it to him and she knows taking the kids would do it.
I want to live, laugh and love again.
I'm very sorry for you, but...
You stated, "My dh is trying to be supportive, he is just very passive and doesn't want to make waves,".
Are you serious? Your job, your livlihood, your reputation are being threatened and your DH doesn't want to MAKE WAVES????
This is EXACTLY the time he should be standing by your side and making waves. His vindictive, nasty ex is accusing you of hurting his child and he's just sitting idly by afraid to make waves?
Oh, hell no! I'm sorry to be so blunt, honey, but this is the time you need your husband's FULL support more than ever. He shouldn't just be making waves- he should be causing a TSUNAMI!!!
And if you don't have that now, I'm with Crayon- maybe it's time to walk away from this situation...
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
And speaking of SUPPORTIVE
when SD told school counselors that the BM made her walk in the snow w/o shoes as "punishment", BF gave the BM a pass and said "BM would NEVER do that" (upshot: BF was VERY supportive of the BM)
NOW fast forward and it is KNOWN that SD makes up STORIES, BM filed a false report of child abuse against BF and I stood by him, fought it legally with paperwork, etc. etc. due to SD's LYING and BM's RUNNING with it.
NOW BF tells me that if he ever finds out that i have been mean to his precious chronic liar princess, that I will be in trouble
(upshot: it's ok for him to be supportive of BM and for me to be supportive of him, but when the shoe is on the other foot, he will believe SD over me and "take matters into his own hands")
Believe, me, you are WAY too young for this!!! Enjoy life while you can! It's much too short!
I do not want to leave my
I do not want to leave my dh. I totally agree that he should be making a tsunami!!!! I think he is making progress standing up, he told bm off on Monday(which I don't think really did any good but at least he stood up) and after a long talk last night, he called my mil and told her how we felt. He is very supportive at home, very willing to help with anything I need help with, other than discipline (if he does discipline it is not consistant), he always encourages me to follow my dreams and he is a very gentle person. He has also realized that he cannot allow his ss to act this way and ss will not be coming to our home, dh will go and spend a couple of hours with ss and then take him back to bm's house. This was encouraged by the srs worker!!! I want my marriage to work I love my husband with all my heart and I am not going to let my ss or his bm ruin something I have worked so hard for. I think my dh is really seeing the evil in bm and how she is making my ss that way and I think that he believes if ss is going to be that way then maybe it would be best for ss to be with bm.
Maybe I am crazy for staying, believe me I have thought about it long and hard and there was a time when I told dh I was leaving. We will have to see how things go and how supportive he really is. And if things don't change then I will have to leave.
I want to live, laugh and love again.
Well hopefully he'll make changes
and stick with them. not acting one way one day and then going back to being "passive" the very next day like my BF!
That is a step forward for him
If you are never encouraged to stand up for yourself (like I wasn't!), it never occurs to you to do so, especially to your own family, who you would think would be on your side, but I now know they are often the ones you have to look out for! Could that apply to DH maybe?
But now he does need to defend you, regardless! but it sounds like he is taking steps, so I am happy for you both on that! I will pray for you guys and I am sure this will be resolved soon, correctly!!!
I just don't know what to say about someone who would jeopardize your livelihood, that is really low (except that our BM did this too, to DH-! that is why he moved away, so he could work, to pay massive child support without going to jail for not being able to pay, which was her other goal for him). Good luck honey and hold your head up!!! keep us posted!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
OMG
If you are never encouraged to stand up for yourself (like I wasn't!), it never occurs to you to do so, especially to your own family, who you would think would be on your side, but I now know they are often the ones you have to look out for!
That is so profound! I was always taught to put everyone else ahead of myself and to never stand up for myself. The cult I was raised in basically pounded into my little brain that I was lower than dirt!
Please be strong for yourself
I understand you love your husband. I understand you want your marriage to work. And I hope for your sake that your DH wants this just as much, because THIS is a precarious situation, at best.
The TWO of you need to put a ton of work into this marriage at this point- not only you! I hope you can get counseling togehter for these issues, because again, this is something that not only threatens so many aspects of your marriage, but the primary foundation of your marriage, that is- TRUST.
You have to completely trust that your DH will support you and have YOUR INTERESTS first and foremost in all of this. I hope and pray that this is the case for you.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I am so sorry.
Hearing other's stories on here, and things like this, just makes me incredibly sorry that you are going through this.
In all honesty- I think it's time you take a weekend away, (to people who love and support you,) and who will be there to listen, examine and help you come back armed with self-confidence and hopefully the realization that-
You. ARE. Worth. It.
You are worth standing up for yourself and being stood up for.
You are worth having people around you that SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE you to live the best life possible.
You are not worth having destructive people overtake parts of your life.
And- you are not worth any negativity.
I think you'll be dealing with this for a while, and with such unsupportive people in your life- I would sincerely think of severing connections for a bit. You owe it to yourself to be treated with respect.
Im so sorry.
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