Last night during their nightly talk to their mom FSS7 tattled on me.
He told his mom that I had grounded him. She gets on the phone with FH and is asking details and he sits there and fills her in on the entire situation, which i was against from the beginning. Its none of her business.
She then basically says she didn't think it was a big deal what he did etc. FH stood up for me and my actions, but in my opinion it wasn't needed, because he shouldn't have explained anything to her. HE should've simply stated that FSS7 did indeed break the rules and got a punishment, the rest was not her business.
I got pissed. I was livid. I told FH while BM was on the phone rather loudly that when she stays up all night hand sharpening 72 pencils and getting blisters than she has a say so. And when she gets up at 5:30 to take her own dang kids to the bus stop THEN she would have a say so. But until then what happens in MY house was my business and she better stay the hell out of it.
After listening to her argue for a minute or two, and seeing how pissed I was getting he wisely cut the conversation off and said he wasn't going to deal with her right then and hung up.
She calls back to apologize and say she doesn't want this to affect their "friendship"
Whatever, I'm so tired of her crap and I have only been dealing with it for a month or so now. I can't imagine how the next....16 years is going to go.
How do you ladies restrain yourselves from calling her up and screaming at her, or texting her exactly what you think of her retardedness?
I haven't....and used to think I never would...but my god if I get woken up by another text message going to FH's phone at midnight-3 AM I swear I will fire off a nasty one from my cell right back to her!
this is tough
but i think the problem lies w ur FH (dont get mad). he needs to set boundaries for her and explain that this type of behavior ie unnecessary texts and calls, is not acceptable. also, he should NOT have explained to her what happened. frankly, its none of her business, unless its a HUGE deal or something taht would affect both households. what u do w the kids is UR house is UR business and what she does w them in hers is hers.
i personally have gotten into 2 fights w BM, both at our house and both initiated by her. this is why A) i dont deal w her at all anymore and B) she is not allowed to come to our house, not even for exchanges. she is an evil ugly person and shes just not worth my time. plus, u cant compete w crazy, ya know?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Oh I agree
FH is getting better. He no longer jumps to respond to texts, and answer phone calls. He is much firmer about when she can and cannot call kids. And he also has told her yesterday not to text late...and when she texted at 10:30 anyways he texted back to say it was too late to text. Ignoring doesn't help sadly, she just continues to text over and over madder and madder until he does respond.
I am still working on him to understand that he does NOT have to talk to her, and text her...we are thinking about getting a house phone for this very reason, so she can call it and quit texting.
i know its hard
my FH and i just had a HUGE fight the other day about this very thing. she called his cell while he was at work and he answered!!! i was so mad! his excuse? i didnt want her to call work. (he has changed depts and hasnt given her the new # but didnt want someone in his old dept to transfer.) STILL. UGH. why dont they get it?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I wouldn't blame you at all!
well, at least she apologized! Good lord! I'm glad your emphasizing to FH that if you're the one caring for these children, you are going to be the one deciding on their punishments, NOT at the descretion of the absentee mom!
So far, I've been lucky, BM has always been nice to me to my face (even to the point of saying "SD always has so much to say about you!"), and I have returned the favor, though she did tell F in a recent fight that she didnt' want SD spending any time alone with me. Yup, the woman who has an assault charge against her for beating up her own mother doesnt' want ME alone with her kid. F said she only said that to make his life more complicated, and b/c she was mad, but still.
In the middle of so many fights I have hard to resist grabbing the phone away from F and screaming at this woman, or getting in my car and driving to her house and screaming at her in person. One day at a time, that's all I can do!
I agree with Bellacita
The quantity & quality of BM's conversations are equal to the size of h's ...
I had a similiar issue a
I had a similiar issue a week after we were first married.. we live in the house that I bought prior to getting engaged, let alone married. One of my rules, no cats or kids in the basement. It is NOT a finished basement. It doesnt even have cement floors in certain areas. The basement was and still is filled w/crap.
A week after we were married, my dh picked up the skids. All was going seemingly well, until.... SS6 decides because dh is in the basement that is where he is going.. withOUT shoes on.. I said no.. no kids in the basement. he goes into a corner "hiding" and crying like I beat him or something.. during this little act, the bm calls (why??I dont know.. we had JUST picked them up that am).. well.. I answer the phone and say.. dh is in the basement, but ss is right here, want to talk to him? (dumb.. I know).. ss says how mean I am for not allowing him in the f n basement and all .. and then dh gets the phone, and then he comes to me and says.. bm is unhappy that you told ss no. I lost it.. I said... excuse me.. my name is the SOLE name on the deed to this house. I DONT care what she is happy or unhappy about. The rule is no cats no kids in the basement. She doesnt like it.. too fn bad.
He got FURIOUS w/me.. I proceeded to argue w/him and the marriage almost ended that day.
I am w/you. They have no right to dictate what goes on in your home. I have been in your place and can empathize. I can tell you that I told DH that I no longer want to hear WHAT she says about the house rules.. she has a place, we have a place.. unless she wants me dictating to her, she better knock it off.
And.. as for the late night text. I TOTALLY would text her back that she better get her clocks fixed.. and then shut off dh's and your cells.
telephone
yeah, we shut off the cell too (we have no house phone). the thing that gets me is why do WE have to turn off our phones etc, etc, etc bc the BM cant respect our privacy????
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Brady, Mine did this all the time.
I put an end to it by declaring, you can tell the President or the Pope for all I care. This is my house, my rules, you choose the consequences by your actions. You know what the house rules are, DEAL with it. Once the kids saw that it didn't phase me and that BM couldn't do a damn thing to me because she knew better than to address me, since the only way she was contributing was by keeping up B.S. on the phone she learned to shut the Hell up. She tried a time or too, but was always shut down.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
I know how you feel
I use to always feel watched and judged. If anything, I mean anything, happened at our house, the skids would call their mom. She would interfere with everything we did, including discipline. It got to the point where we had no say. She would always intervene even when she had no idea what was going on. My biggest dream all along would have been for her to have supported us in our own home. I would have liked DH and BM to have been on the same page at least about a few things regarding the kids. If she could have just told the kids, that when they are with their Dad, they need to discuss things with him and visa versa. Maybe, if the BM and DH still have a working relationship they can discuss having that kind of mantra so the kids don't try to run to the other parent. In a marriage, normally the parents back eachother up, so why should it be different if they live in different homes.
WOW.....
I didnt know anybody else felt that way too..........about feeling judged and watched. I have felt this way for years. Skids told their BM EVERYTHING, and I do mean EVERYTHING......
That felt good to read your statement Kathleen.
Sorry to hijack your post Brady....
Brady, I WOULD tell that woman off in a nano-second, but only b/c she left her kids for all that time. I personally think that once you abandon your kids, you have no more rights to them. I dont care WHO you are. Skids BM did this to them as well, so I know what you are going through. When my skids said something to their BM about "punishments", she would always believe them......and it was NEVER the truth. Once, my SD told BM that I had locked her out of the house and made her pee behind a shed when she asked to come back in to go to the bathroom..... TRUTH: I DID throw all the kids, including my neice out of the house on a beautiful summer day, b/c they were underfoot and I had a new baby. All they wanted to do was watch TV and play video games...I am not a fan of kids in the house in the summer (unless it's ungodly hot). She asked to use the bathroom, every 5 mins....... she was just being a shit. No, she did not pee behind the shed. Finally 2 months later, BM questioned DH about it and he told her that if she would have bothered to ask for the truth, she wouldn't have gotten so pissed. This started a whole pattern of skids lying to BM about me and her believing them...... still happens to this day, and they are 19 and 16..... Good luck
I feel everyone's pain on this one.
That was the one thing that the kids would do and it would send me up the wall initially. I think a lot of different things were going on for BM that caused her to over react. She lost the job, the house and then the kids. She was on a downward spiral and everything was out of her control. She tried to control me in that aspect and I made it known that she had no right. Of course whenever the kids would "tell on me" BM would be in the midst of some mental episode and was usually unable to handle it or them. Her inability to cope led her to do that which she felt was right in "her" irrational world, and that was to take their side regardless of how unreasonable or irrational things seemed. Later when she was calm, DH could explain what "really" happened and she would always respond "Oh, well I didn't know that."
The very idea to me was crazy in the fact that yes, I am willing to hear the child out, but I would never just automatically take the kids word against an adults. I would hear both sides and form an opinion, but then she never wanted to "speak" to me so she ended up with half-a$$ed untruths.
I finally got over it and realized that they were going to talk regardless and therefore I did what I knew to be right and fair and disregarded the rest. In fact, it was then that I started letting them know that they could call the President and the Pope because it was my house and my rules PERIOD. Things sorta died down after that. We haven't had any incidents in a while, so there is nothing to report other than everyone is doing well with their roles and responsibilities at the present moment and that includes BM. I hesitate to say that too loud, because it is usually when I give her credit for behaving or trying, it turns around and bites me in the a$$.
Hang in there. I think all SP have experienced this whether they are SM or SD. Stand your ground and pray that it gets better when the kids are able to reason and see for themselves. Although I must say that it will never seem better as long as BM feeds into the nonsense.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Happened again last night
This time FH simply said, he had an attitude, he got in trouble he needs to learn to not give attitude. And when BM went off, FH said, I have to go now, and hung up. It was beautiful!!!!
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