Step Talk

My SD is with us all the time. We won full custody last year (well her mom conceded rather than agree to a psych eval if that doesn't say it all right there!)

Though concerned about SD's behavior from the beginning, I really thought it would improve once her whacky BM wasn't around. BM recently told SD she won't take her anymore of her EO weekend visits, and today called at four to cancel her once a week visit. She tried to not keep it last week as well. I think it's only a matter of time before she drops out completely.

Like BM, SD has BPD (borderline) and is manipulative, deceitful, untrustworthy, irresponsible, entitled, angry, controlling, etc etc etc...

Her grades are great and she is an honor student.

Unfortunately sneaking out at 2 am today just cost her being captain of her soccer team, and the soccer tournament DH already paid for (only 40 bucks. That will be a drop in the bucket compared to SD's financial contribution to our now necessary security system, and community service work she is now locked into til December.)

She was indignant at our ridiculous attempts to control her.
When questioned about the event she refused to give up her friends. We will be calling the parents and hopefully they will agree to have their daughters help SD clean up a house that was TPd that belongs to my dad's cousin down the street. A minister no less.

I know what you are saying about not wanting this influence around my kids. I will tell you that my kids bear an unfair burden of being the ones to not break my heart. They take that responsibility very seriously. BS 14 still occasionally gets my goat, but on a more average and normal teen scale, rather than mentally ill level.

I don't have the answer. We are looking into boarding schools but they are outrageously expensive. We are at the very least sticking her back in Catholic school which will ruin her life as she knows it.

We gave her a year of public middle school and she has proven herself unworthy of the opportunity.

Oh- and my sons are completely aware SD is trouble. I didn't have to tell them. They also know her mom is nuts. Didn't have to tell them that either. Unfortunately, SD takes much of my time and drains a ton of my energy. BUT..

I am starting to focus on my sons, BD 2, and MYSELF more. DH is completely supportive of this. He actually said tonight that hopefully SD's constant grounded state will influence my sons to make BETTER decisions so they don't have to end up like her. I surely hope so. I know that when she is in my face their protective hackles are raised and they come to my defense when I'm not around. Unless they are all debating how unfair I am as a mom.

Goodluck, and let me know if you get a good answer.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

I sense you'll have a lot of sympathetic responses here. My SD15 is a very negative influence, and we have BDs 5 and 2. I struggle with this all the time. SD lived with us for the past four years, and she treated BDs (her half-sisters) very badly. I didn't anticipate this because of the vast differences in their ages. It would be different if SD was only a couple of years older, but 10?!

All I can do is recognized SD's negative behaviors in BDs 5 and 2 and nip it in the bud. As Sita said, this puts an unfair burden on BDs to "not break my heart" and behave appropriately. But I want the best for them, even if that means being hard on them once in a while.

For example, SD will deliberately find something that belongs to BD5. Then she will take it and tease BD with it. When BD wants it back, SD dangles it above her head and make her beg for it. Makes her say please multiple times, then when she finally gives it to BD5 she makes her say thank you or she'll hound her unmercifully. It drives me crazy. I try to keep these types of interactions to a minimum and have told BD to keep her things away from SD. Why should I have to do that?!

It's tough, and like Sita I'm not sure I have an answer.

I may not get the popularity contest for this answer, but I am really only going to state what I would do if it were ME. Raising children is the hardest thing on the face of the planet----and my home is my haven. I owe my children the best & most peaceful & loving & educational setting I CAN POSSIBLY HAVE. This will shape their emotional selves for the rest of their lives------
I would go to the ENDS OF THE EARTH not to bring in "negatives" from the outside world into my children's emotional sanctuary. You only have one shot at raising your children. Do the best you can for them. It is like putting money into a piggy bank---it will pay off later. MY LOVE LIFE is important & will be there as long as my hormones hold up, but their childhood is only once.

I deal with this every 7 days and I hate it but don't have any magical answers.

My BD5 and BD6 live with us all the time. SD10 and SD8 live with us 50% of the time. The other 50% they live with their crazy mother who has no rules and manipulates them emotionally and mentally which has created a number of behavior problems. Esp BD8, who lies, steals, throws tantrums and generally not a nice person. I love my husband which is why I got married- his kids are something I'm still trying to draw boundaries with yet.

Trouble is that my BD6 ADORES SD8 and of course, mimicks lots of behaviors and then treats her sister, 5, like crap because thats how SD8 treats everyone.

So here's what we do:
* enforce our rules at our house. SD's don't like them and I think that over time, they'll drift to the house where they rule the roost (and frankly, DH is getting more and more OK with this due to ongoing behavior problems from both)

* I probably shouldn't do this, but I talk to my BDs about how nasty the SD's are. When I can I try to talk about "Remember what S did- why was that bad?" "Do you like it when S does that to you? How would it make you feel?" My girls are starting to pick up on the fact her behavior isn't ok.

They're all still little so the fun is just beginning. My view might change completely once teen years hit.

I too have a SD that is BPD and Bipolar. In February, I had to ask DH to let SD move in with her BPD BM. I could not take it anymore, and her behavior was not only affecting my life, but our boys as well. She did go w/BM until last week.....now she's back. I still am not sure how I feel about this. My boys seem to be happy she is back, but I do not know yet how I feel. I completely understand how you feel and can't really offer much helpful advice, except to say good luck. I can offer HUGS though.