Step Talk

This may be a little long, but it is taken from the book The Enlightened Stepmother: Revolutionizing the Role by Perdita Kirkness Norwood with Teri Wingender. Noorwood is a SM of 4 now-adult Skids and is also a Stepmother Advocate who offers focus and support groups. I have had the book for a while and never got around to reading it. Decided to flip through it after recommending to someone on here. The average customer on Barnes & Noble rates the book a 5 star.

Stage I. Fantasy
This stage is sometimes called the "Illusion." At the outset, you or your husband, or both are thinking, "We'll all be one big, happy family." Romance is in the air with your new marriage; you assume that love will overcome any problems. All your unrealistic expectations are in full swing. You dream that you will form the perfect family, with all members instantly loving one another. His kids will love you, because you're such a nice person and want only the best for this family. You love your husband, so of course, you'll love his kids. You forget that love is blind! You, the stepmother, might also be experiencing the "rescue" fantasy, imagining you will sweep in and solve everyone's problems, rescuing them from anger, bitterness, and sadness. You will be the perfect stepmother, loved by all. You'll be an infinitely better parent than your stepkids' mother , and maybe your stepchildren will even think of you as their mother. You bake, buy goodies, supply treats. Denial is rampant. Sneaking suspicions that all is not well are immediately quelled.

Stage II - Confusion
Clearly, something is wrong! All stepfamily members begin to feel that this new family is not working out as they expected. There is a suppression of feelings all around - nobody wants to rock the boat, but everybody's jittery. Members withdraw from one another. Roles are unclear; boundaries are unclear. The needs and expectations of each member are not meshing. You, as stepmother, start to wonder, "What am I doing here" What am I doing with my life - I don't need this!" Stepmothers attempting to form relationships with their stepkids are met with rejection. Romance starts to wear thin. Fear of failure is in the air. There is an increasing realization that insufficient preparation has taken place for this new family situation. The kids are wondering where, or if, they fit in. Financial obligations irritate; unaddressed legal matters surface. Loyalty conflicts between this new family and former families abound. Extended family members watch you struggle, and offer unwanted advice. Since you are the newest member of the family, the outsider, the conclusion is that the person creating this chaos must be you. You actually start to believe this; you question your actions, your values, your very being. You may become depressed, panicked, and feel you are failing.

Stage III - Crazy Time
This very difficult period is inevitable. The stress and inaction of the previous stage forces matters into the open. Family members experience pain, anger, dissatisfaction, guilt - any number of negative emotions. For the stepmother, disappointment that your initial expectations are failing can trigger an avalanche of paralyzing emotions. Your self-esteem is stripped bare. Chaos reigns. Fights and arguments break out; figuring out what's realistic (now that you know what's unrealistic) seems next to impossible. There may be serious family division: your mate and his kids vs. you and your kids. If you don't have children of your own, you may feel alone, lonely, scared, depressed, isolated. You may feel you have lost control of your life and your personal freedom

This is decision time. Make-or-break time. During this stage a stepmother and her mate either give up and separate, perhaps divorce, or turn everything around by renegotiating, rebuilding, seeking help, communicating, expressing a desire for resolution, and continuing to work together. It is a time for action to take place. This stage is unavoidable if any progress is to be made; your response to it will determine whether you as a stepmother will succeed or fail. We suggest you consider this stage your turning point. And we strongly recommend you do not give up. You can survive this!

Stage IV - Stability
When handled positively by all members, this stage can be a poignant and exhilarating time of coming together. Usually it is the stepmother who initiates this step. You persevere day after day, facing challenges and resolving them, encouraging and strengthening family bonds. It is a time of shared responsibility, of accepting one another's flaws and recognizing one another's value, when the words "us," "we," "our family" begin to be heard. Family members start to connect in ways that are natural to them. Small signs of stabilization emerge. there will still be days when you may wonder what you're doing here, but you and your mate are weathering one challenge after another on the path to success. You feel that after all that's gone before, you can handle any crisis; you feel proud of your marriage and what you're accomplishing. You feel you've made a contribution to this family, and little by little others are recognizing this too Your role as stepmother is becoming clearer to you and to your stepfamily. You begin to feel more comfortable in your role and take charge in some areas. Your mate welcomes this. Becoming open to change, feeling more secure, you develop new attitudes, and the family can move to yet another level. You start to build traditions and set goals, to plan family activities. Other family members begin to see their roles falling into place.

Stage V - Commitment
This stage probably needs a subheading: "Acceptance." This is the beginning of your final stage, when you can accept change as nonthreatening or when you can feel serene about saying "this is probably as good as it will get." At least, some calm time for insight and reflection. A time when members choose to deepen their relationships. When difficult relationships can be restored and renewed or simply tolerated. When past difficulties are put aside. There's continued individual growth for all members, who are learning that finding the courage to confront problems can result in rich rewards. A new atmosphere will develop that is cooperative, supportive, and flexible and where needs can be met in an atmosphere of receptiveness, respect, trust, and confidence. Your stepfamily has begun to feel solid and reliable. Positive feelings begin to replace negative ones. The decision to succeed, to be loyal to one another, has been made. Finally, you begin to reap the rewards you have worked so hard to achieve.

Norwood suggest that you keep two facts in mind as you review these stages:
1. Forming a stepfamily is a PROCESS.
2. Forming a stepfamily takes TIME.

The length of time it takes for stepfamilies to progress through these stages of development varies enormously - some professionals say four to seven years, while stepmother who've actually experienced the stages say it can take ten, twelve, even fifteen years. The time this progression takes also depends on whether you are a full-time or part-time stepmother. Part-time stepmoms may have a less intense process with skids visiting periodically, but it may take longer to get to know them well and to move through all five stages. Experienced stepmothers suggest you do not make the mistake of comparing YOUR family with an another.

As I mentioned earlier, I have not read this book. I bought it a few years back and in the midst of reading others, forgot about it. After reading the reviews and flipping through the pages, I am finding it quite interesting and that's probably what piqued my interest in the first place. I can speak first hand about the stages though. I have been a full-time stepmom for 5+ years now and I can totally relate with EVERY stage. My family now is mainly in Stage 5, but we sometimes digress to 4 and even 3 on occasion. I am highly recommending this book as it looks like an eye opener.