The skids are driving me INSANE. They're fine alone but if they get together, it's nuts. The youngest (SS 5) is badly behaved. There is no discipline at the 'other house' and so when they get here it takes days before he's into the swing of 'rules' again. They are leaving tomorrow morning, after spending a week with us. Most of it was fine, we went away to a cottage & they were entertained. But they have to have something to do given to them by adults EVERY friggin second of the day, or else they get 'bored' - they are unable to entertain themselves AT ALL.
SS 5 has every single video game known to man. I think it's too young for him to have those things....every handheld video game ever...he plays them at the table...mouths off...won't listen (this is ALL the fault of the horrible bad-mom birth mother who has no idea what a RULE means....she is such a douche it pisses me off)
Their father is strict but he needs to be more so. I am tired of constantly trying to get SS to read something, to do something other than play video games. Is this educational? He is such a little Sh*t 90% of the time. 10% of the time he is well-mannered. When we were away there was a production that an acting company put on for the kids - it was a musical/play - GREAT performance - my SS decided in the middle of it to stand up and YELL at the cast - 'please no more singing it's so annoying!' - I was mortified. This is the behaviour that ugly trash whore BM allows. I am tired of constantly correcting him. Even after 2+ years of him being 1 on 1 with me at home (long story but I had to go casual at my job to take care of him because of his bad mother) he STILL has no idea how to behave. He said he doesn't want the baby (I'm pregnant), doesn't want it to be a boy (he wants to be the only boy) and has already started with the 'you won't love me anymore' bull. I don't buy this crap as normal kid stuff. My SD 8 doesn't pull any of this, is very well-mannered and doesn't cause scenes/disruptions, doesn't mouth off. My SS slams his bedroom door all the time if he doesn't get his way. If he was MY SON 100% I would get rid of all his video games & send him to boot camp if he hadn't improved by age 12. Okay harsh but I'm really tired of the crap.
Sigh...fine, I know I have to 'deal with it' - I got myself into this but I can't stand it anymore when he's around. Too bad the BM hasn't got enough brains to discipline him.
My husband totally ignores me if I am venting about anything...and I mean totally ignores me...he watches tv all night long. The skids get everything - queen sized beds *for a 5 year old!!*, tv's in their rooms, tv all day long/two 2 1/2 hour movies a day, stay up to any time they want (even midnight) - my parents didn't let me watch tv/movies all day (probably the reason I have so many hobbies - I'm old fashioned but TV is not my only reason for existing and I had a bedtime...seems to be a foreign concept here). They have no chores. If they ever have a chore it's given to them by me and me only - ie. make their beds. Whenever I say do or don't do something I get very little flack from them...but they mouth off to DH all the time & he doesn't do anything about it. He gives them really loooong explanations like 'well this is the reason why....' - sorry but screw that...I am the parent, they are the children. I do NOT take orders from a child and if I say do or don't do something I don't need 100 reasons, and I don't have to justify anything. The whole concept of child-centred parenting is inane to me...parent-centred parenting is where I am at (how anything can work out when two parents are not on the same page....I cannot have a so-called 'united front' with someone totally unwilling to listen or note that he MAY be wrong).
Okay I didn't 'birth' the skiddly diddlies but I seem to be the one who organizes their lives & acts like a 'mom' when I am not? How the FUCK does that work? I plan their lives, schedule their extra-curricular activities, cook for them, pack their backpacks for school, make sure they are reading books and not just sitting dumbfounded in front of an unmoving box.
I am mostly annoyed because I am powerless to do anything when the baby comes. I don't want it watching so much tv (but how can I say one thing to the skids & another to my child?). Mostly it's my SS's attitude, general mouthiness & his idea that he is 'funny' when really he is insulting to people. DH says 'but he's five' - yes and soon he will be six, then ten, then a very bad-mannered thirteen year old. And DH will say 'but he's only thirteen'...oh puleease. You have to start early otherwise it gets harder as time goes on. I wish so many times I hadn't gotten myself into this situation....
This is the biggest meltdown I've ever had. I'm angry at the BM for being such a total loser. I'm angry at my DH for being ball-less. I'm angry at myself for not being more tolerant and not understanding the 'two families, two houses, two lives' new dynamic in society. I just don't get it! I can't seem to see how it benefits anybody. I am probably standing totally alone on this and I'm okay with that...it happens often....but if these stepkids just had ONE home, ONE family that they saw 97% of the time and ONE set of rules, ONE kitchen table, ONE life instead of a split-personality where they are Tom at one house and Ted at the other...wouldn't that make more sense? Yes people divorce. Yes it's unfortunate. But this step-family stuff is crazy. What if the courts decided the ONE place for the skids to stay with occasional visitation at the 'other house'. Then there wouldn't be all this mess all the time, some hurt feelings but this may cause more hurt feelings in the long run.
I am irritated. I am thinking of disengaging but quite frankly I do not have a CLUE what that looks like in detail. Do I still try to get them to do chores or do I stop? Do I plan their lives/activities/cook for them? Do I bother with the amt of television/video games, what about the mouthing off part? What about my DH who is at the top of my list of annoyances right now...
Personally, I think
you should put your foot down and make the rules in your own home! You might not be their mom, but you are THE mom in your home! If you don't I think it will become a source of contention between the two of you later.
thanks
Thanks...I know that...but I act like the mom but whenever something happens that I don't like, I don't win. ~ Remember it's your life too ~
So sorry.
Tuscan you have still got to continue with your expectations when the kids are at your house. Do a list of house rules and post them. Also, let the kids know that there will be rewards and consequences attached to those rules. I know it is hard when DH is not actively supporting you. I know you will get so frustrated that you don't even want to deal with it, but if he's not going to and you won't, who will? You said so yourself the behaviors are not acceptable and at somepoint the kid will be 6, 10 and 13 and you are so right, if the problems aren't addressed and corrected now, they will be that much worse by the time he has had another 5-8 years to perfect them.
A lot of people say, let the Bio-parent do the disciplining, I feel that you as the Step parent should also have a right to do so. You can't tell me that you can be responsible for feeding, clothing, scheduling activities and other day-to-day activities, but you can't discipline them, especially when they are displaying negative behavior and everyone else is excusing the behavior.
I speak of "United Front" because that is something that DH & I decided BEFORE we married. That was the only way I would enter into the situation WITH his support and I hold him to it. It is harder to do when it has gone unchecked for a period of time, but it is still doable. I totally understand your frustration, but some parameters need to be put into place, especially before the baby comes. Babies are a joy to have around, but they are also a lot of work and stress. This will seem magnified when SS is continuing with his rude behavior.
I say try setting some rules, set rewards and consequences and see if it will help curttail some of the behaviors. Does SS read? Make him read a book and earn T.V. or game time according to how much reading he does. Have him sit down with you or DH and read. This will also get him ready for when he enters school.
Just wishing you well and hoping that you don't stress too much, remember YOU are pregnant and you and your baby's health is more important.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
So sorry.
Tuscan you have still got to continue with your expectations when the kids are at your house. Do a list of house rules and post them. Also, let the kids know that there will be rewards and consequences attached to those rules. I know it is hard when DH is not actively supporting you. I know you will get so frustrated that you don't even want to deal with it, but if he's not going to and you won't, who will? You said so yourself the behaviors are not acceptable and at somepoint the kid will be 6, 10 and 13 and you are so right, if the problems aren't addressed and corrected now, they will be that much worse by the time he has had another 5-8 years to perfect them.
A lot of people say, let the Bio-parent do the disciplining, I feel that you as the Step parent should also have a right to do so. You can't tell me that you can be responsible for feeding, clothing, scheduling activities and other day-to-day activities, but you can't discipline them, especially when they are displaying negative behavior and everyone else is excusing the behavior.
I speak of "United Front" because that is something that DH & I decided BEFORE we married. That was the only way I would enter into the situation WITH his support and I hold him to it. It is harder to do when it has gone unchecked for a period of time, but it is still doable. I totally understand your frustration, but some parameters need to be put into place, especially before the baby comes. Babies are a joy to have around, but they are also a lot of work and stress. This will seem magnified when SS is continuing with his rude behavior.
I say try setting some rules, set rewards and consequences and see if it will help curttail some of the behaviors. Does SS read? Make him read a book and earn T.V. or game time according to how much reading he does. Have him sit down with you or DH and read. This will also get him ready for when he enters school.
Just wishing you well and hoping that you don't stress too much, remember YOU are pregnant and you and your baby's health is more important.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
dont give up
i constantly have to tell BFs 5yr old to behave or watch his mouth, he thinks its funny and BM and Bf's family let him get away with it since they view it as harmless and cute, when its def going to get him in trouble when hes older. in the long run, he will thank you for putting your foot down, since he obviously doesnt have a real mom to do that. hes lucky he has someone that is concerned about manners and behavior, since those are skills he will need to survived in the real world.
i hated being discplined by my parents, but i am SOOO freakin happy they were as strict as they were..they were real old school, and i can see the difference between me and other girls my age (ESP bm!!)
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