Hind site is 20/20. That's why this site is so important, so perhaps we can help others through rough parenting times, places we finally made it through. For instance I am potty training BD 2 1/2. She is not at all interested. But I've been here twice before and remember the same frustration I am feeling now. Therefore I can remind myself this too shall pass, and though I will never forget how frustrating potty training was for my sons (especially my oldest and continued most stubborn son) I know that eventually they do end up putting on underwear and giving up their attachment to diapers.
HOWEVER...
One thing I am not sure I will ever get past, is my oldest son's need to explain to me that I don't do enough for him, what a LAZY parent I am (no he didn't come right out and say it but that was definitely implicated because I am "on the computer ALL the time"
This was for my trying to express my irritation at all the kids for leaving every piece of crap they can around the house, every dish they use either where they last used it, or sitting in the sink right NEXT to the dishwasher. For expecting him to do something when I ask, instead of four hours or the next day later like he would (supposedly) at his dad's. There, according to BS 14, my ex and their SM don't feel the need for the kids to jump to attention when they tell them to pick up their nasty socks off the living room floor, or their shoes out of the middle of the hallway for someone to trip over, or make their bed, or brush their teeth. I am RIDICULOUS (my son's favorite insult to slew my way.) THERE they don't have to worry about leaving their gum out for BD 2 to eat half a pack and get diarrhea from, or to shut off a light, or to keep their ipods, gameboys and games, and other choke hazard items up from their sister. (That should be changing now that their 19 year old stepsister is having a baby in Nov.)
Now I have to tell you, my ex and his wife are ANAL about the house. It is spotless and they are both at work every day all day, so I know the kids have to work over there. But their attitude is that they deserve the respect to do things over there, because they are gone at work all day and I (once again) sit at the computer barking orders all day.
I have explained to my son in the past that I'm working. I have a blog that I'm trying to build up to actually earning money and have joined the blogher ad network, which requires 3 posts a week (haven't hit that in a few weeks due to projects around the house and being out of town a lot.)
We have taken them to the ocean, to several trips, ball games, movies, out to eat, and the only things I ask them to do are make their beds, clean their rooms, help me watch Anna (since they are sitting on THEIR arses watching TV or playing gameboy half the day anyway.) I do laundry for SIX with no help, all the shopping, all the organizing, all the cleaning, and MOST everything for Anna unless I'm in the middle of writing, and they are laying around anyway. Then I ask them to help with her. I ask that of them because the actually seem to enjoy helping with her, and it's not like pulling teeth like any other task.
OH- and the gum that made his little sister sick? Was not his fault but MINE because I wasn't watching her and was probably on the COMPUTER.
I WAS NOT EVEN AT HOME WITH HER WHEN THAT HAPPENED. Because if I had been I would have already PICKED up the GUM from the ottoman, like I do EVERYTHING else they leave lay around that would be unsafe for her to consume. DH was home when that happened.
How dare my son say it was MY fault he left his gum out????? Because I wasn't watching her? Or even because DH wasn't watching her that minute? Two year olds will find a bee hive in 2.5 seconds if you turn their back. THAT's why we don't LEAVE our gum lying around for them.
I am so entirely sick of the comments my son makes about how his dad does EVERYTHING with his baseball, because my ex goes to most of the games anyway, so often offers to take him so I don't have to run out all the time. My son interprets this as me not being a good mom.
I grew up in the theatre. My parents MAYBE made a performance for each show I did. NOT every performance. I think when I played sports in elementary school and Jr High they made two or three games total. FOR ALL THE SPORTS I EVER DID. I really think the kids should be doing the sport, or theatre, dance, music, whatever, for their own enjoyment, not to be cheered on by their parents. I did it. I never thought it was my parents obligation to start a standing ovation for me every night I performed.
Now I know some families pour their heart into going to every single game their kids play. My DH does that for SD too (and let me tell you she now views it as an entitlement and gets pissy if he misses ONE.) If she makes a goal and he doesn't see it she laments for days. He isn't coming to my mom's b-day party on Sunday because SD has a game at the same time. I would not miss my mom's b-day party for MY son's game, or his mom's b-day party for that matter. But I honestly believe that DH thinks because BM rarely attends any soccer games that he saves face and becomes the "better parent" by going.
Back to my "perfect" ex. BS 14 insinuated but then refused to confirm that this is coming from his dad. So yes, I will confront my ex on that one. I am tired of my ex acting like "hey- I'm going anyway, so no problem if you can't make the game," Then turning it into a martyr super parent in front of my son.
Sometimes I wish so much that my son would chose to live only at his dad's, where he thinks it's so perfect, and come to me EOW, so I could be disney parent to him. His dad, btw, who has so many side jobs that he's NEVER home, and the ball games are the only time he sees BS 14 pretty much when he's over there.
My son has the nerve to insinuate that I don't do anything worthwhile, but write on blogs all day, while he and the other kids do my work.
WHAT?
I guess there must be TWELVE people living here then because I'm doing laundry and cleaning house all the time for SIX people.
Both my sons complained that everything is MY problem because I want the house to stay nice after I pick it up. He told me I was lying about them leaving their crap lay around everywhere, that it isn't true that all I do is walk around picking up after them all day because....
say it with me....
I CAN'T be since all I do is sit on the computer all day.
Anyone want to guess what my mom would have said to me complaining about her typing stories, writing letters to her penpal in Australia, or watching Oprah when I was growing up?
SMACK!
That's what my Irish mama would have "said" to me.
I must admit I cussed at him in the argument once, and he said AGAIN that I am so ridiculous. He must have used that word ten times toward me.
"SMACK!" My 4'8" Irish grandma's ghost was saying in my ear.
I just don't know what to do. The argument was not loud volume wise but rude ungrateful and arrogant on my BS 14's part. And my poor little BS 11 was crying after it was over. He used to be my saving grace but he is being swayed by the older two to turn against me. He said he was not going to do that anymore after his older brother stomped off downstairs.
When I left my exH I thought I was leaving this contemptuous self righteous attitude behind me. But he's still here, in his genetic encoded offspring.
OK....Now. WHO has gone before me on THIS one? Anyone here?
Havent gone before you on this
one, but I think teenagers ALWAYS think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. NOT so, as my SD just discovered. I think what they really are asking for is attention. Have they started school yet? Maybe they feel excluded from you? I would for sure speak witht he ex about his attitude around impressionable teenagers! Good luck sweetie. Sending HUGS your way!
We are going through something similar
I have two SS (9 and 11) and one BD (
and one BS (10). My skids mother cleans their room. Lays out their pajamas, gets their towels, and picks up their clothes after the shower. I feel at this age, they can get their own jammies out of the drawer or clean clothes (that I wash). I think that they put their own dirty clothes in the hamper and even get their own towel from the linen closet! I am treated like some evil Nazi for this! I truly beleive in instilling some sense of independence in ALL four of the kids. They are capable but dont think they should have to do it. They must clean their own rooms at my house. We have a 50/50 shared custody with them so they are getting used to it. But I know I am still the bitch after four years.
My bio kids are used to it but not to say that I dont still have to remind to do certain things. Well my BS said that other night "isnt this your job, (putting away his clothes - that I have sorted, washed, and folded) you are the MOM!" Well I told him that after putting away the clothes then he could put away the dishes from the dishwasher - and see what it was really like to be the MOM! LOL
I had three sister (two step) and we had a room that we were responsible to keep clean (this meant vacuuming, dusting, etc.)This was to be done with NO excuse and NO whining. I remember as kid (probably 10 or so)we were at the dinner table and I said YUCK about the dinner she had prepared - and just like you said SMACK!
I think a lot of it has to do with the divorce situation now. When kids are in a family that their parents are married, they dont really think about it as much - there is not a place for the grass to be greener. When they go to another home they feel they have that option of "this sucks I want to live with Mom/Dad - or it is so much better at my other home". I guess it is a sign of the times.
But kids are ungrateful by nature. They are self-centered, the whole world revolves around them. I just pray they outgrow it quickly!
Chin up, as they say.........."this too shall pass"......
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
Fine him!
Tell him that he has worn out the right to call you "ridiculous" and that henceforth, he will be fined if he uses it. Make it significant enough to hurt. Or my all time favorite discipline: Writing hundreds of sentences. "I will not call mom ridiculous anymore," iin ever-increasing numbers for each transgression. Starts with writing it 100 times; add 100 sentences for each new violation. Then you will really be considered a lousy, lazy mother.
Really, Zen, I would just cut him off at the knees every time he goes into a new tirade. You don't have to listen to this ad nauseum. Next time he starts complaining, tell him that you will not listen to his criticism. If he continues, send him to his room. Period.
I remain, the world's most evil stepmom; ask anyone.
At least yours waited
until he was a teenager. My Skids were always complaining about my being home and requiring them to do chores. My case was a little different as they were my skids, but kids nonetheless. BM paid $200 in CS for two kids for 5 years. We then gave her a simple task of just keeping their lunch account at school with money, nope couldn't do that. BUT, they had the nerve to question why I was home all day and they had to clean up. Whoa Nelly. Back this train up. They had to clean up THEIR messes. They never had to clean up behind me, but expected that I should behind them. Sorry, they really had me confused for BM. I expect able bodied individuals to do for themselves. I find no joy in slaving behind able bodied children.
Sorry, got off track. Then they began to complain that I was not working and when I was going to get a job to help out financially. (Background: On disability for a lung condition per Drs & husbands wishes). The thing that was frustrating to me, was that they found it okay that BM did not contribute to their mere existence and felt I should be totally accountable for them. Arrrgggghhhhh!
I don't really know the answer to this one outside of knocking him across the head (but then you can't do that). I just wish you well with figuring it out and hope it not only blows over soon, but is corrected as well.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
My mom gave me some advice
My mom gave me some advice for the skids that I think perhaps you could use, only tweek it abit for the age.
She said, every time they skids talk to me rudely, as if I were a piece of sh*t, even if in a calm tone (as its often done sarcastically) that I am to calmly say (bear in mind they are 9) sit in this chair (facing a wall, something w/no view and nothing within reach to play with) for 9 mins and think about why you are being punished. When the 9 mins are up, you may get up and apologize, and tell me WHAT you are apologizing for.. if you cant, then you can sit there until you can.
NOW. I understand that he is 14. But he still should give you respect, and the chair timeout for 14 mins MIGHT not work, but what about if you take away his most beloved item for at least 14 hours and then only give it back when he can tell you what he did wrong and apologize. (and make the 14 hrs awake hours)
Not sure you probably tried this route. I do agree that you need respect, and that children shouldnt expect their parents to be at every game, its just not realistic. ITS NOT. My parents also were not at everything I did... and I turned out just fine, as did you.
Smack is right
Smack reminds me of the Akon song "Smack that". Seriously though, I would not allow my child to call me lazy or ridiculous. Remind your son that he could have it so much worse. There are absentee parents everywhere and you guys are not. Your son needs a reminder of how lucky he is to have a mom like you that cares. So many don't these days. Remind him of your SD's situation and the fact that her mom does not care. This is exactly why my SD moved in with us. Her complaint was that her mom was not around much. I hope you can get this through to your son. I just finished reading your blog and you hit the nail right on the head. Yes, I believe your ex is feeding your son this bull. I was thinking this as I was reading the first part of your blog. My ex does the same thing to my daughter. I know I don't have to say anything to her about it though. She will figure it out on her own later.
I have found that taking things or priviledges away for this type of behavior works best for me. I took my BD phone away again last night. She got upset over a stupid trinket she was making for her friend. She messed it up and slammed a few doors afterwards when I told her just to redo it and give it to the friend next week. I calmly went in and told her to hand over the phone. Then I got, Oh, that door is just hard to shut (um, you slammed both the bedroom and bathroom doors dork). She said she was sorry but it was too late. She's without it again. The funny thing is I had just thanked her for putting the shampoo and soap back where it belongs (which is the reason she got it taken away last weekend) and she said "Yeah, I can't live without my phone, it's pretty important". Too bad little Chica, you get it back when I say.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
Thanks everyone- I talked to BS's SM today
She said that they never say anything about me to my son, and I pretty much believe her. She did say though that my ex tends to generalize about people on the computer (know that one is true as he used to do that type of generalized soap box for many different things that annoy him) and that they disagree about how much time her kids are on the computer a lot, in front of the kids, and that BS is probably picking up his dad's soap box rants and judging me on that. She was greatly offended for me that he called me ridiculous and said she would have chewed his head off for it if he did it to her. Also, regarding the baseball games, she said that my ex got pissed at her for only making one herself, it was one of the games I was at too, and that BS is likely picking that up from his dad too.
So what's happening is that BS is picking up on his dad's disdain for things I do, but his dad is oblivious because he's ranting about his SKs or wife doing them.
Hope that made sense. It does to me. It's one of the main reasons I left his pessimistic opinionated self.
As for BS, today he is totally remorseful. I swear to God the problem is that he is just like his dad, and we get reeled into the exact same arguments. I think the one that blew my top the most was him insinuating that it was someone else's fault that BD 2 got into the gum. I forgot to mention that one to SM. I'm sure I will though since her daughter will be bringing a baby into their home in the fall.
I am just tired of the attitude of kids now. They are so smart-assed all the time. Except for other people of course. So you know they do in fact know better. They just think their parents are at their beck and call.
I'm ready to take BD 2 and head off to my own little place in the world.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I am always told...
,
i still dont go through that
i still dont go through that my my mom has a similar experience. my older brother used to complain and misbehave when he was a teenager and did not believe my mom when she told him that my dad was very sick and went out to party. months later my dad passed away and my brother was very regretful but a tragedy had to happen for him to realize that he had done wrong.
he is now the father of a 20 year old and 10 year old. my 20 year old niece rather be with her mom than with my brother because its always party time at her moms and since my brother now is like my mom a person who wants respect and obedience in the house my nice doesnt like him. what im trying to say is that now my brother is sadly paying for all the things he did to worry my mom and dad and his children are making him pay for it by behaving the way he used to.
I AGREE, A Crack Upside The Backside, WORKS WONDERS...
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
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