Step Talk

MY turn to Ya Ya!

What a journey. Both meta and physical. And I'm not just talking for those of us who made it there. Hold onto your seats ladies...(And Steve!) This is going to be long...

Even for Sita standards

When I first joined ST last fall, I was in a dark place. I googled the feelings I was having about my SD, even though typing the phrase felt like I was the absolute worst SM to my SD, and wife to my DH, in the entire world. Surely NO ONE would ever dare utter the phrase I was keying into my search engine, right?

Wrong.

I came to a post entitled "Hate my SD." (http://www.steptalk.org/node/5129)
I read, holding my breath. And then, as I read the supportive and wise responses, for the first time in a long time (and the last time in a long time as well)

I EXHALED. I had found a safe haven. I could be honest about my feelings, my insecurities, my own self analyzed babble...and some of the most amazing folks would still like me...even come to LOVE me.

Wow. You know that is some sort of kismet because that was “Dayln33”’s one and only post. Thankfully, she has left it up since I’m guessing it may be responsible for more SMs than me ending up here.

I posted a little diddy called “The Dark Side” (DH’s ring for BM on his cell.) and waited to see how others would greet me. The response I received in other early posts, inspired me to throw the ST (and otherwise) Universe a long held dream. I posted I was interested in forming a SM retreat, as I had been to an amazing writer's retreat several times and had a feeling we could all use something positive, something relaxing, something reflective, something spiritual, something re-affirming....

something alcoholic!

With women who have been in these same intensely challenging shoes.

The post was entitled, “Peace, Love, And Red Wine…”

http://www.steptalk.org/node/5053

If you go to the link, you will see that Kathleen, and Colorado Girl responded with a resounding YES. Step Witch wasn’t quite around yet or this may all have happened long ago!

Throughout the year we tried, we posted about it, we threw it out there again and again. Kathleen and I were set to meet up at my own writer’s retreat, but she had to work. CG wanted to get there too, but couldn’t due to a BM/court issue. But we were determined to make it happen, somehow, someday.

Then, back in June, I posted about my choice this year to commemorate my 40th B-day, with my mom, sister, cousin, SIL, and two grown nieces. I kicked DH and BD 2 out of the house for the weekend, and had an EAT, PRAY, LOVE dinner of sorts. Well…it was heavy on the eating and lovin’ anyhow. Then they all stayed the night.

ON that post (http://www.steptalk.org/node/8181) if you should like to see, Stepwitch mentioned she had a cabin in TN and MAYBE we should all come.

I had not really gotten to know SW well, and wasn’t sure if she was for real. I commented that it might really be doable for me, and some others did too. We figured that it would fade away like our previous dreams of retreating together.

It did not. Because Stepwitch, GOD BLESS HER, was a true Southern hospitality kind of gal. She put up her own post ( http://www.steptalk.org/node/8184 ) seriously inviting any who wanted to come.

I saw my many month long dream of retreating with other SM’s opportunity, and I SNATCHED it UP!

I immediately said I would do whatever it took, and was excited so many others seemed interested.
Colorado Girl quickly stepped up to full commitment by buying a plane ticket. I emailed Sarah B, and asked if she would like to ride with me from IN, and she was thrilled. I emailed Kathleen and asked her to check out the thread, and she started looking into going.

Then there were times that I had my moments of doubt. I mean if a “real life” friend of mine told me such a convoluted plan as meeting cyber friends in real life, for the first time, in a Walmart parking lot before driving into the backwoods of TN to stay at a private cabin where fisherman shoot off shotguns for difficult fish….

I might have said, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?????”

And some said that. My mom, MIL in particular. DH wasn’t particularly encouraged when SW sent us a google link, where the satellite photo of the cabin showed only trees and a lake for miles around.

Then he said, “You know what? Here’s what I say…Be careful who you meet online, because you never know what might happen.

You might end up married to them.”

I met DH on Yahoo personals.

Then the “obstacles” came. You know the ones. Where you start thinking the Universe is trying to tell you that you really shouldn’t do something that could potentially end up a sound bite on the evening news about a stupid woman meeting up with a cyber friend in Walmart then heading out to the back woods of TN, where men are men and carry shotguns to use against the “Garr” in the lake.

SB had to pull out of riding with due to family illness. Then my own SIL came down with viral meningitis and my MIL was going to cancel to fly out and help her with her kids, leaving me about 2 weeks to find sitters, and another place to crash along the highway. Those two came within days of each other and I’ll admit it was tempting to say, “Hey look strangers… I have REALLY good excuse…I mean REASON to cancel.”

That was not going to happen. Because I think the Universe was just testing me. Seeing if I was in fact ready to meet the most amazing friends, friends I have been looking for my whole life. Could I have the faith, trust, and determination to be worthy of this gift?

So the Universe, sensing I might in fact blow it sent me Colorado Girl, and Stepwitch, via telephone and email, asking me, pleading with me to find a way. Kathleen also jumped on board and confirmed she could get the weekend off work. Harley decided to arrange her whole family vacation around the event just so she could make it.

How could I say no. I asked the Universe for this retreat. And it brought me Stepwitch Can’t ignore that Universe when it comes a courtin’.

It was about that time that the Universe threw one more curve ball. After waiting, testing, and encouraging me to fully commit….it took away my Colorado Girl via broken bone. She could not fly to us.

She called me, sheepish, afraid of disappointing me, Kathleen, Step witch. And I listened, encouraged her to wait and see til the last minute, but to please put her own comfort and health above all else.

She had to pull out.

The rest of us…

Drove, flew, or dragged our loved ones across the country to TN.

I had another Universal joke at my expense. I am perpetually late. I was due to pick Kathleen up in Nashville around 2:15. I left with an hour to spare due to the time difference between IN and TN. Then….

I got in yet another of my infamous traffic jams via tractor trailer jackknife, overturn. (For those of you who don’t remember from last Nov, I took SD on our one and only weekend trip and we spent about 5 hours stuck in a traffic jam, caused by a jackknifed overturned semi, which resulted in a 3 ½ hour drive turning into TEN.

PLEASE God. Don’t let me miss out on Kathleen due to traffic!

She patiently waited in the airport. She’s used to them anyway, so she didn’t mind too much.

When I pulled up to the passenger pick up, we were both on our phones. Only having seen each other in pictures, I wasn’t sure how we’d find each other. But….Of course we did. We were destined to all along!

“I can SEE you!”
“Oh THERE you ARE!”

She was jumping up and down waiving, and I was trying to do the same while not running anyone over in the carport. As she approached my van I motioned for her to put her stuff in the back seat rather than the cargo area. She laughed about that later saying, “I had to make sure the very back wasn’t hiding my kidnappers!”

By the time we drove an hour, we knew more about each other than some of our “real life” friends. By the time we stopped for gas, I was handing her my keys while I went in to pee. We laughed about how we were so potentially gullible, which brought more stories from our youth.

We got to Walmart and studied the parking lot for evidence of Stepwitch.

A broom?
A black cat perhaps?

No…she was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Younger than I thought. Wise beyond my years.

Instantly we shopped for some “particulars” like half and half for my morning coffee, or dressings for Kathleen’s wonderful salad. SW had the rest covered she said, and boy could we believe her!

Kathleen walked over to SW’s truck to help unload the cart, while I pulled the van around. When Kathleen jumped back in with me she reassured me no one was hiding in the back of the black large SUV either. We laughed.

A lot.

That was a trend that wouldn’t let up for the next 42 some odd (most not!) hours.

We followed SW further and further away from civilization (well Walmart was about it actually so use your imagination to how far out we were!) Kathleen and I joked about the whole horror film bait and switch plot we were due to witness if this were a bad 80‘s slasher flick. Of course we did have one thing going for us. NO MEN. Those people only die if they have sex in the movie. We decided we should be safe.

Then we pulled into the woods, a long and by now darkish gravel road, leading further and further away from, well, Walmart. Half way along the road we were met by a rather large pick up.

Hmmmm….

Let’s hope that’s Harley, we said.
Let’s hope Harley’s a WOMAN, I said.

Laughter. Ok…a little bit of it could have sounded of the nervous sort.

Then we approached the rustic cabin. With a crafty frog sign reading, “Welcome to the lake.”
Harley jumped out, a very pretty little thing, who looks more like a twenty-something than our peer. She walked right up and grabbed some of my bags to help me carry my over-packed self into the cabin.

It was small, quaint, and spotless. Not a mosquito or gnat in the place (and that’s better than my own home half the time, so I really must know SW’s secret in a cabin in the back woods of TN.)

We were greeted with Jello shots (THERE’s something I don’t do everyday)
And a glass of wine (something I do every day I CAN
The first bottle we opened was one of my four contributions, three of which were appropriately named “Mommy’s Time Out.”

SW joked she almost bought a wine called “BITCH” and we let her know that she is definitely bringing that one next time. I also brought one called Zen of Zinfandel” which was never tapped into, so it will be waiting for the NEXT retreat (because OH YEAH there’s gonna be another SOON.)

Within the hour we had HUGE ribeyes in front of us, so large we had to share and save some for later. Kathleen’s tossed a salad and SW served up some potatoes and onions.

Then….

SW’s special recipe homemade angel food cake, with creamy frosting and fresh strawberries.

We were STUFFED FULL.

It was a condition that SW would strive to keep us in all weekend.

After dinner, we hung out, drank more wine, had more jello shots, and tried on our T-shirts that SW made for us. I think we will continue that tradition with each retreat, perhaps giving new retreat members the shirt with the state they started in, and adding a decal of the states onto our Memphis original!

Then came the first perverted sounding drink

A buttery nipple. My NEW favorite (Baileys and Butterscotch Schnapps.) My DH called around then to make sure I was ok. In my exhilarated, relaxed, retreat state, I had neglected to call him and let him know that Kathleen, SW and Harley turned out to be (so far) exactly as they portrayed themselves. There were no “Dueling Banjos” strumming in the background to conjure up fears of Ned Beatty like scenes dancing in my head.

I did tell him we were having buttery nipples though. Although some time in the weekend Kathleen renamed them “Fuzzy Nipples.” Maybe she got some peach schnapps in hers.

I digress. Which is ALSO a pattern we would fall into throughout the weekend as well.

Kathleen went to lay down for a little while in one of the bedrooms and we saw nothing more of her til the am.
Harley left late, and we saw nothing more of her til the next evening (after spending some time at the Zoo with her family.)
SW and I chatted some more, slowing unwinding from anticipation and nerves, until that gracious host gave up the other bedroom to me, and made her own bed on one of the futons in the living area.

I wondered if I could sleep in the room, curtains closed, tiny lamp with a deer on it borrowed from the dinning table. I have trouble sleeping. I read a little of Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine and dozed off. When I came to it was time for breakfast already.

Oh boy.

Bacon, and then eggs made to order over easy for SW and Kathleen, over hard for me, fried up in the very grease that used to occupy the bacon. Don’t tell my dad.

And pancakes on the griddle.
Cup of joe and we were set.

We wandered out by the lake, coating our exposed parts with OFF! And drank some water to re-hydrate for the weekend. We talked about our lives, what brought us to this point, what lessons we had to share, and some we needed to learn

About fulfillment and dreams
About forgiveness and boundaries
About loving and letting go

Our exs
Our Kids
OURSELVES

And sometimes about those wacky crazy ridiculous Bms

At one point I asked Kathleen if I talk too much.
She said, “No more than any of us here my friend. We’re are all so much alike.”
And the weird thing was we were.

Republican or Democrat
Conservative or Liberal
We were all so open minded to the experiences and insight of the other.

At times there were deep things, personal things, insecurities, regrets shared.

We cried some.
But we Laughed far more.

Kathleen slept away some of her stress. She felt so relaxed and though she expressed concern she was resting too much…

We weren’t at all so. Because SW thought it was an amazing compliment to her hospitality, and it was.
I thought it was an amazing display of her trust in us, that we wouldn’t talk about her without her present, or be upset she needed the rest.

We all did what we needed to, when we needed to that weekend. Not one moment, resting, sleeping, eating, sharing, bonding…

Was a wasted one.

We skipped lunch and opted for snacks due to so much wonderful food at dinner the night before and breakfast the next morning. Then we were introduced to our second “perverted” drink of the day. I won’t give the name because I think we should save it for an initiation ritual for all who make it to the second retreat, but let me just say, you will feel like a kid having a delicious treat on a hot summer TN day…well plus alcohol.

Dinner was hamburgers and potatoes, pickles….. And a lemon cream pie.

Then more buttery (or fuzzy) nipples. Hmmm….no showers had been taken, except by Harley at her hotel, so maybe THAT’s where the “fuzzy” reference came from.

Sorry…digressing AGAIN. Told you it was a recurring theme.

After dinner I painted a face on the BM piñata, that SW made out of paper mache. Kathleen did her hair, and “BM” earrings to put on her. We took pictures and marveled at our crude talent.

Then Harley was back, and we all coated ourselves in yet more OFF! before heading out to the campfire.
We did a respectful little BM releasing ceremony (sounds like a commercial for Correctol) and perhaps that’s a good analogy. ANALogy! Ha! You know, you can take the Sita out of the SM retreat, but you can’t take the inappropriate SM retreat humor out of the Sita.

We talked and shared tons more in front of that fire. We laughed we cried. Some stepped inside when things were too difficult to hear, but never interfered with what others felt they needed to share. Harley and I had a fabulous time, because I’m an EXCELLENT talker (babbler) and she is an AMAZING listener.

I was struck by how much we all had in common from such varied walks of life. I expected we would as SMs of course, but…

We had more than that. We had so many of the same experiences, many tough life lessons, many past insecurities, and some we were still sorta stumbling through, in common.

It reminded me of when I started working with Eve Ensler projects, how many women you tell about it say, “Me too.” Sad sometimes, but true. And so important to remember.

SW and I joined each other on her porch, sat back listening to the crickets and cicada serenading us, much as SW had for me with her guitar that afternoon as Kathleen slept. I told her I could sleep out there… that next time I would if I could brave the bugs who might find me. That it reminded me of the Ya Ya Sisterhood when they all are out on the porch in those Southern sultry summer nights, smoking, drinking, laughing, loving their “sisters.”

And I realized that I had come to rest there in a place of peace.

Harley opted to bunk with us that night, and before bed we sorta gathered around SW’s little cell phone screen to check in on our ST friends. We saw some painful exchanges and felt bad we weren’t around to soothe or respond. But we really couldn’t go there then. We were all so much more peaceful with ourselves, with each other…with life. REALLY. I know that sounds like a huge accomplishment but it’s true.

In the morning one of us was already on her way home. Those of us left had one last large country cooked breakfast, one last conversation, one last epiphany. We packed up, hung out. One of us caught a shower as she had to catch a plane and sit next to other people who would very likely appreciate her effort. I decided to wait to wash off the weekend in IN since I only had the next five or six hours in the car having quality time with myself There were hugs and goodbyes. I followed SW and Kathleen out as she was catching the plane home from Memphis rather than Nashville this time. That was so ok too. I think I needed to be alone to allow everything to sink in, so I could transition from this experience. I needed to go from retreat mode, from peeling off all the layers of obligation I have in my current path to putting the hats I wear back on…

BM…DIL…DW…SM..

Such little abbreviations for such profound roles.

In the past, many times when I was “escaping” life by doing a play, taking on another persona on stage, I would feel depressed when the show ended. I cried many times at a loss I could not put my finger on. I really expected that when I left this, our first relaxed and unstructured version of a SM retreat, that I would be sad to leave, so much so that I would cry the whole five hours to IN.

I did not.

I think the difference is I wasn’t escaping my life.

I wonder….
I think…
I feel…

I may have actually instead FOUND it. Me.
There in the backwoods cabin in Tennessee.

And I know for sure that’s a joyful discovery I am sure to return to time and time again.

Thank you SW, CG, SB, Harley, Kathleen, and…

BM and SD.
For the best most amazing friends I may ever have the pleasure of gaining.

YA YA!