There is a common denominator in all the blogs and forums I've seen get off track. I'm sorry to do this because it's not what the site is for, but...
I sent a pm in one such instance (think pretty much everyone knows what I'm talking about) as a way to privately debate an issue I had about numerous comments (not just that one) regarding who should and who should not be allowed on this site. It makes a lot of people feel unwelcome, and if you don't think a blogger belongs on this site, then how about you just don't respond publicly to their blog.
It had nothing to do with the blog at the time, and I didn't think it was appropriate to interfer with whatever it was the original poster was trying to accomplish. I did not publicly attack anyone and still my comments found their way to the public blog. For what? So they could be defended to the public?
I'm sorry, but that doesn't make any sense to me. WTF??? WTF???
Thanks to anyone who gave me advice while I've been here. I would ask that no one respond to this blog. I just needed to make my point.
"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
Dorothy Parker, 'But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929
US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
Here's a good point....
On my headstone it's gonna say:
See I told ya's I was sick
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Foo
Foo
Foo
"It is better to let people believe you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
i think what
storm is trying to say is the way ppl attacked chava was wrong and she thinks, like me it was way out of order and unfair. and in my opinion if you have an opposite opinion then yes comment but dont tell people they should leave the site and be horrible about it just because you dont agree
Foo
"IT IS BETTER TO LET PEOPLE BELIEVE YOU ARE STUPID THAN TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT"
Ok I told myself I was done
Ok I told myself I was done with this situation but once again - certain people will not let it go away. I will say this one more time - NO ONE WAS ATTACKING CHAVA!!! She comes on this site looking for attention - period!! You have not been on this site long enough to know her pattern. Anne was trying to defend me against your comment Baby - she never told anyone to leave. I am so sick of this. Really good people are leaving this site because of all the BS.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Wait a minute...
No one was attacking Chava? May I remind you that someone called her a pedophile? If that's not verbally attacking someone when they're down, I don't know what that is.
You got it all wrong
no one called chava a pedophile. someone said to get away from the sd so that chava could not be falsely accused of being a pedophile. the sd was putting her hands on chava and making advances to chava, not the other way around. besides the sd is over 18 so it doesn't even matter.
It wasn't Anne
Let me remind everyone that it wasn't Anne making a reference to Chava as a Pedifile. She is the one that got blasted.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people believe you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
You're right...
I wish I could remember who it was, but it wasn't Anne. The post & it's replies have been deleted, & who could blame Chava? The last thing someone said to her was a flat out insult & accusation, I think to deliberately drive her away. I just hope she has another place where she can find support, but maybe since she no longer has this place she'll do more about her situation.
that was just
one of the comments i remember being horrible.
why should you be married to be able to vent here people that arent married still carry all the stresses of somebody that is. we woman all have a hard time and i to have been feeling the divide. and i feel all women going through these stresses should stick together and help each other through these difficult situations. i still stick around to offeer my advise on how to deal with these situations after all i did go through them and i am human
That is the thing
Why is that comment so terrible? I never said you had to be "married". I have many friends on here that are not married but are looking for real advice or just want to vent about their situation. They are trying hard to fit in and become a good step parent or just trying to deal with the day to day stresses. Look I have been a Step Parent for over 26 years now. If someone coming on this site is looking for advice on their situation married or not that is great. But when the people are disrespecting the opinion of a vetern Step Parent well the whole thing changes in my opinion. Baby how about the fact that I posted a blog about how I loved my Skids and got feedback by non steps that this site wasn't for praising them. Am I not supposed to remind someone that this is a Step Parent site? Some of my friends had to get out of the situation because it was too toxic. That is great they have a lot of advice to give and share. But when a Step Parent is told NOT to praise their Skid I have a problem with that. I have said nothing about it up to this point. But I won't stand by and see one of my friends unfairly singled out especially one who has always had nothing but the best advice on this site.
How can I as a Step Parent and older than most on this site get advice on my skids when I see posts like "I hate my skid". I am sorry I feel there is nothing anyone saying that phrase can give me as far as advice in my situation because I actually am crazy about mine. Maybe it is an age thing I dont' know. I am a grandmother, Step Parent to 6 children, Step Grandmother to 6 children, and mother to 2 grown men in their mid to late 20's. I have a different perspective on things.
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
Way to go Cru - you are so
Way to go Cru - you are so right on!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Thank you SerendipitySM
I not only wear "Big Girl Panties" but I also proudly wear my white huge Grannie Panties (clean ones if you need to know). I guess you can say I got my big huge granny panties in a bundle reading the BS.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people believe you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"
Haha.....me too.....my
Haha.....me too.....my cookies are totally frosted over this whole situation....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Eye of the beholder
Horrible is in the eye of the beholder, like beauty I guess. What's horrible about suggesting an alternative private blog to someone who is having trouble keeping people from posting on her public blog? It's like telling someone to try Clorox bleach if Tide alone is not getting their whites white enough. Please. Married, unmarried, doesn't matter to me either but I think what does matter on a site for stepparents is that you actually are a stepparent and some of the bigger mouths on here cannot claim that distinction yet they think they can tell actual stepparents what's what. What I like about this site is it that it has given my wife a place to work things out and she has gotten a lot more confidence and that has only made our life better. Things are better for me and my kids and my wife and our whole family because my wife has been coming here for advice. She says I don't get it because I'm not her and that's true I guess. She knows I read what she posts here sometimes and what other people write back to her and it has given me alot of insight into how she feels. That is what I think this site is for. She's pretty disgusted with the site now and is cruising the internet looking for another one.
Dearest Anon,
I hope your wife stays. I don't know who she is, so I can't PM her. I also don't want to hijack the thread so I am going to post more on this after I post about my YA YA SM retreat weekend. Please ask her to read it later today before leaving us.
Want to get the positive out before anymore negative invades my thoughts
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
i think it was the way it was put
i also did not like what serindipity wrote but she pmed me and explained what she meant.
im sorry i must have misuderstood your comment
so what does a make a step parent ??
i know i tried my darn hardest to bond with the children but in my situation it was ipposible.
most people come here as a place to let out all the stuff the people here understand and they find there way here through frustration as when you try to talk to "real friends" they have no idea how hard this road is and jsut tell you stop being silly
Storm
I am a peacemaker and therefore have chosen not to get involved with the negativity going on. Therefore I won't do my usual longwinded attempt, for fear that something I say to you, will offend someone else I care about, though that would never be my intent.
But please know, I think you are swell and you are always welcome with me.
Peace to you.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh one more thing (guess I couldn't help myself)
I really love Cru and Anne too.
But I do have to say, that I, in my darkest moments, have felt something I couldn't put my name on regarding all my SD has put me, my children, my husband, myself through, and all we will continue to go through.
I did not search for ST. I searched the feelings I was having...Something I felt incredibly deeply ugly to even whisper to myself...even typing it was so hard.
I googled "I hate my SD."
And held my breath.
It was a sad, dark, angry, confused moment.
A post came up, from ST with that title.
I read it, and the amazingly encouraging replies.
And then I thought, if someone can post that in this site, and not be attacked like they would if they told their spouse, their mother in law, their friends....
Then I was safe and could write everything I needed to.
Throughout the year hear (almost- started sometime in the fall) I have, through the wisdom, support, love, encouragement on here, come to realize that I do not hate my SD. I love her very much. I hate her mental illness. Since it is a personality disorder, sometimes I still find it hard to separate the two.
And then I come here, I get some gentle or tough love, depending on who's talking, and where they are coming from.
But it is LOVE all the same.
I really want everyone to make amends here for the sake of the site. So new SM's don't wonder if they've made a mistake finding us, staying with us, trusting us.
There was a similar situation going on when I started. Those two left and many missed them.
I don't want anyone to leave.
But I respect their wishes to do so if they feel it's best for them.
Take care my Step Sistas.
I just came from the most phenomenal experience I wish you all could have shared. I honestly think we could all use a formal retreat, as SMs as friends, to connect face to face, and get a better sense of who we're loving, who we're hurting, who we're healing.
Blessed be all.
Love,
Z
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Sita
Even in your darkest hour coming from you blogs there was a lot of hurt and love coming out of you blogs. That is just the way you are sweet and nuturing which is one of the things I enjoy reading about your blogs. Even as a BM there were times I didn't like my own kids and the same with my skids. As a parent/step parent we all go through these phases. You show real concern and want to work things out with SD. You like a lot of people on this site just want to be the best SM we can be even with difficult children.
My problem that gets my granny panties in a bundle is when I post a positive post about my skids and was told this site wasn't for posting that we actually loved our skids. YES THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!It wasn't just one post it came from several sources coming out of people who hated their skids. Trust me I am not a thinned skinned person. I am an old alligator after all the years of parenting and step parenting. I swallowed that "concrete pill"
years ago and hardened up and have never really cared if someone like my opinion or not. That is just me. I have nothing to mend with anyone and my opinion is my opinion.
That is the exact trend I am talking about. You see I didn't respond about Chava in my post. This post was not about Chava but coming from a negative trend that I feel is happening. Yet Chava is still the topic. Not too long ago yet another friend of mine got blasted because she vented about going off on BM in front of SD. She not only got blasted by someone who wasn't a SM. This person wasn't even a BM, or a GF but some strange person calling herself a Professional commenting on vents from a Vetern SM and Anne was called a "Cu#%' Wow now SM's can't vent and SM's can post positive remarks about their Skids nor can they give their honest opinion. Now it is mean for the Step Parent to remind people who overstepped their boundaries that this is a Step Parent site. Well I guess Dawn is one big meanie for putting this on the opening page of this website:
"This site provides a place for stepparents to talk about their issues, offer support, provide solutions, give helpful advice, ask questions on step parenting and blended families and vent. Register for a free account and start blogging about your stepparent situation. Feel free to comment on anything you see. Enjoy."
For me the topic is closed. I am not going to say another word about this because I feel I vented and got this off of my chest.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people believe you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
What is a SM?
I know the reference well. I attempted to make peace on that post, and succeeded with the person to whom you refer. But...
She was a SM.
However she wasn't posting from a SM place. When I pointed that out to her, and suggested she leave the mediator hat at the office and post as a SM, many women, your friend on who's behalf that whole negative thread ensued...
Posted positively to her.
I think that SM, our friend, was so full of grace.
I guess I see differences of opinion as valuable here.
Yours, mine, and even those that I find abrasive, or unenlightened.
From current, former, almost but never quite made it there SMs...Married, single...GF, Fiancée, Step Grandma...
All step parents to me. All free to come here and offer advice, disagree, post their heartaches, their epiphanies, what worked, what didn't, what they've read or researched.
I don't always agree or take the advice. That's my prerogative.
I guess I am coming from this place-
I have so much stress related to a child, a BM who has created the monster I am trying so hard to give a chance at normalcy to, that when I come here...
It's my safe haven.
Once I posted (gently, at least I think I usually am and try to be) to a new member who wasn't ready for advice, though her very last word on her post was "help!".
I misunderstood that was a request for advice.
She responded that she was mistaken in trusting us here, that she thought this was a safe place to vent and felt I judged her.
I was shocked, as I really tried hard to be gentle regarding the negative anger she was carrying. My intention was really to let her know that though it was normal to feel that way, it wasn't healthy for anyone in the situation and she should seek some outside professional help. I really was coming from a place of concern for her.
So I apologized. On site. In front of everyone. My friends (some gentle some not as much) told her she misunderstood me. I think it fell on deaf ears as her mind was made up.
She judged me.
It's ok. She wasn't meant to be my friend. I didn't get fired up or feed fuel to the anger.
I simply let her go. And allowed her negative opinion of me to remain.
I am actually grateful to that poster for a valuable lesson.
New posters here, don't need advice on their first post, and since, I usually only say, "WELCOME!" briefly until they have relaxed enough to listen to someone, without feeling judged.
I think perhaps we all need to get back to the purpose of the site, and not get bogged down with understandings, or perpetuating the continuation of the negativity.
We are here to support.
I believe, in my most humble opinion, if I offer advice, sometimes over and over to someone, and they don't seem receptive to it, then I move on. If a friend is attacked, I offer them a PM full of support, then perhaps, if I think I can do it tactfully, gently, sincerely, I write to the poster on site and attempt to defuse the situation if I can be of help that way. Hopefully, my friends on here know me well enough to know, that my intentions are peaceful.
If only I could accomplish that peace in my "real life" that easy.
I hope this came out as I intended.
Now I must switch back my focus to writing about the most amazing retreat I have ever attended.
Love to all my stepsistas. Care for each other. We're all we have some days.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
my two cents
I came here to find help with the feelings I had (fear anger sadness) and whether there were others who were going thru the same thing as me and I found many wonderful people who were.
I did at one time think I hated my future step kids, but what I found was that I did not understand myself, that I didnt hate them just the situation I was put in, I came here and found peace and understanding, and I found friends. I also got a better look at me. And my skids.
there are people out there that will never deserve our love or respect, how to handle that is what I think ST is about.
the veterans who have been there and done that - who share good and bad. It is sad if they go because they offer so much.
I hope that when I become a veteran I can be as helpful as they are/were.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Oh Sarah....
"I did at one time think I hated my future step kids, but what I found was that I did not understand myself..."
I really must start learning from my good friends on here, how to say it so succinctly and with such grace at the same time.
Hugs
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
yes every one to me here is
yes every one to me here is helpful and i have no problem with you all i only ended up in this convo cos i was trying to help put storms point across. the whole thing with chava i dont and still dont think it was right although a lot of you have justified why you do think its right. but as you say i have not been here as long as you lot and no i have not noticed a pattern.
i see someone crying out for some where to let her feelings out and the hear nice things as we all would guess "if" she is going through all that imagine the state of mind she must be in and i for one would like to be nice to her. but if what you all say is right i guess my feelings will change.
i know whats going to come now we all try to help but sometimes helping is not telling someone to get out of that shite relationship there in but to just tell them your there ect ect ect. im sure she knows the relationship is wrong for her but sometimes jsut because you know its wrong your getting told its wrong does not mean she will be ready to leave. and that you have all tried all that before but these things sometimes can take years and years and years
from experience i know that being told there scum does and knowing at the back of your mind that hes scum means there is them little voices in your head telling you to fight for it one day he might change a lot of women go through it.
BGB. I understand what you are doing..
Because I too tend to defend my friends. To that end, thank you for being Chava's friend, she really needs them. I have attempted to reach out to her also. I want to help people and I'm so grateful to those whom have helped me. If I feel the need to send a post then I do, Do I read every blog, No - I wish I had more hours in the day.
But say what you need and let it go, because I have found that once a person keeps on trying to change someone elses minds/opinions, it only blows up and sides are made and lines marked. At times it is hard to read in the words that people type exactly what their intentsions are. For example, do you hear my southern accent? Probably not, if you don't live in the south. My personal opinion is we read way too much into the words and not enough between the lines. I try to be detailed in my posts, but I would never get into the graphics, I hope you understand. If I wanted to fight, i would go to the SD and her mother's house.
In all legal ways, I'm still a stepmother; however, I'm not also. Because my SD is no longer in my house or under my care anymore, I guess there would be some folks who would say, I don't belong. But as to my knowledge no one has. Do I have experience that may help these new step mothers, I believe I do. Most of my learning has come thru my mistakes as being a step mother, if I could I would love to be able to help someone not make the mistakes I have made. I believe that if this site was available to me during those times, I would have had a different outlook.
So, therefore, I choose to remain on this site.
I too, wish well for everyone here. I hate seeing my friends leave this site. I hate seeing mud fly, I'm not getting into it that, because what I have seen so far is sides have been made and lines are being crossed. That is not ok with me, but no one has asked me my opinion. I want to help people here, and that is why I'm staying.
The retreat in which I attended helped me look deep inside my soul and made inspired to live in the here and now. Past is past, can't change it, but dang - I have control of this day !!
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
4 what it is worth
I have been lurking for almost a year, a family member turned me onto this site. I Follow several members religiously because I like their style. As a unbiased bystander with no dog in the fight I can tell you that Ann did not attack anyone or tell anyone to leave and anyone who says she did is overreacting or did not read what she siad. I can tell you too that Chava was not attacked either by Anne or by anyone else she seems overly sensitive and paranoid and thinks people ar attacking her when they are really not but that comes from her messed up life. I dont like posters on here that turn this into being all about them when it should really be all about many people joining together to find answers to common problems. I don't usually post or have a membership because of lack of privacy but I do read alot and enjoy the no nonsense posters who tell it like it is. I need practical advice I do not need to be egged on by the mob mentality. i wish ppl would get there facts straight before accusing others that just makes the ones with the best advice not want to be here anymore and that would be a loss to me and other ppl.
I wish I could get my facts straight....
"...i wish ppl would get there facts straight before accusing others that just makes the ones with the best advice not want to be here anymore and that would be a loss to me and other ppl."
Which is why I'm not really taking sides here. Well I try not to anyway, but...
The post is gone. When I read this I think I get why this is so emotional...
Then I read that someone called C a pedophile, and I think...
WOW. That's a strong word.
So since I can't read it, I'll have to remain neutral and focus only on the facts I know. Everyone is hurt and angry, and all feel they are justified in it. That's the most important thing to address here for me as the original post is removed.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
No one
Called Chava a pedophile. They simply told her to be careful that it could be misunderstood. That is one of the things that gets me is how people don't really read the posts. I was one that did read that. I thought it was strong myself but the poster was just warning her to be careful.
Sita I wish you got to read the post like I did. Now you know Anne and you know the wisdom she instills. Even without reading it yourself could you believe that Anne of all people would call Chava a Pediphile? Yet Anne got a PM blasting her. Have you ever read Anne calling anyone names? No because she is a grown woman who is above all of that crap. It wasn't even her that warned Chava she may sound like a Pedphile.
Wow it is incredible how things get twisted and people read what they want to read and not what is in black and white. I care for Chava quite a bit and I am personally concerned about her and told her so.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and let people believe you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I figured it was something like that
And you are right Cru...I would not think Anne would say such a thing. This is why I didn't want to read into the responses too heavily. I do like to make up my mind myself.
So sad that we've traveled so far together, and it seems to have come to this.
I too have shown my concern for Chava in the past. I wish her the best, and would love to show up, sweep her up on your broom and off for some TLC and a professional counselor.
But no one can do it for her, so I stopped giving her advice that I came to believe she doesn't wish to hear.
I think many people reached that same point, but felt let down by her determinedly self destructive path. While I chose to quietly let her be, others can't.
Hopefully, if any good comes out of this, Chava will for once be able to see how her situation inspires so much compassion, and loyalty. Maybe then she can feel her own worth and the caring of others for her well being.
I hope so.
Till then, I will remain in the middle where I'm usually sitting. Just left of center.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
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