This probably isn't the best time for me to be leaving.
SD called from BMs tonight. BM told SD she got a new job and will no longer be taking her EOW visitation. Then evidently BM went to her room for the night and SD was able to call us.
My cousin is taking her to lunch and a movie Fri, and hopefully my niece will come over on Monday for a while.
I know in my heart this falling off of BM is best in the long run, but that still doesn't make it any easier watching SD go through it, or having no break from her.
I honestly think, seeing us at OG the other day, and having to let SD talk to us, is what finally drove BM to the brink.
Due to SD's trip to CA, BM has seen her a total of 5 days since the beginning of summer break. BM said she will still take her Wed nights, but that's it. I think it's only a matter of time before those go too.
wft
is wrong with these women that dont want to be with their kids!! I dont get it......its so wrong. DOnt they realize what they are doing to their own kids!! I pray for you and you SD......and you are probably right it the long run its for the best. Its just so F'd up. I am going throught he same crap. BM doesnt want to do anything for SD on my end. SHe didnt even get her a bday gift. SD is only 8!!!!!!!!!
I don't get it either
It's interesting because SD just told me this week that she didn't want to go to BMs and "deal with her" anymore. I was very nonchalant about it, and said she should talk to DH about it, but reminded her that after us forcing both of them to keep their visitation in the spring, that we were staying out of it. If SD and BM mutually decided not to see each other than we were letting go of forcing it (because BM would just bring SD back to our neighborhood, to SD's friends to spend the night, some of whom we didn't let SD spend the night because there was no supervision.) Since all of SD's clique started sneaking out at night TPing and egging houses at every slumber party (including OUR house) we stopped letting her go to any sleepovers right now.
I think that SD and BM both being BPD types are both so afraid of abandonment that they are trying to be the one in control of who abandons who. I just wish I wasn't leaving TOMORROW to go out of town. I said to DH, "Why did BM have to tell her this NOW? She doesn't have another weekend til NEXT weekend, and could have waited til then. It's not like BM told DH anyway, just SD.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I don't get it either
It is going on 5 months since BM even called the kids. How can a mother be so cold?
"GO BACK TO YOUR BRIDGE YOU EVIL TROLL. YOU HAVE NO POWERS HERE"
Because they arent' mothers...
They are crazy women who gave birth.
BMs like this are simply not capable of nurturing, of putting anyone's needs, even a child's, before their own.
Have you read the Glass Castle, Cru? That's an amazing book of parental insanity and egocentricity.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
A new job, so she can't see
A new job, so she can't see her kid? That's a lame-o excuse and I'm sure your SD knows it. I read the Glass Castle and we had a book discussion about it at my book club. The parents were really "out there" but despite the neglect I think the children felt that the parents did love them on some level. Just in their own, incapable, screwed up way that we as real moms can't begin to fathom. They definitely did not put their childrens' needs first...they put their own WHIMS first.
I am sorry you aren't going to get a break from this kid. She sounds exhausting to deal with. I don't know how you do it. BUT...maybe if you have her all the time now, it will be easier to work with her on her behavior without the BM's craziness intruding.
She is supposedly taking her on her Wed nights still BUT
For instance, this week SD has a friend's B-day party to go to, and therefore BM will not see her at all. This is the first weekend that SD will not be going anymore too. AND the woman has only seen her about five days this whole summer (SD was out of town, which was a trip to DH's brother and SIL's but still...most BM's would have demanded the remainder of the summer if in the same situation.)
I expect Weds will fall off eventually. Then we will have to see what happens with SD if I am the only mother role model in her life. If she can get to better place, then we will get there. I do think that her behavior had many reasons for escalating after the custody case, but the main one may have been too much non-structured (no work or school) time with BM on weekends. They just can't interact that much at once.
So hopefully, SD will go back to more of her personality when she didn't go any weekends there.
I did enjoy my one brief almost year of having EOWeekend to enjoy my marriage without drama.
Will simply have to "retreat" with other SM's once every couple of months now on the weekend my sons' are at their dad's!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
What?!
do you mean to tell me she can't handle seeing your family that much, she has to not see her daughter???? Maybe this is the best thing she can do for SD??!
But you can't be the one to fix this. I think SD has to reach inside herself and find some kind of resolution there, young as she is. I don't think anyone else can give her that.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I know I can't fix it...
But I will be the one picking up the pieces.
Last weekend was the first since SD returned that DH and I had together alone, and it was very tense for us. I just had this feeling it was the last one for some reason.
And now to know there will be no more peaceful SD free weekends for us to reconnect tension free...
It hasn't hit me yet. I am glad I'm going to the ST camp, so I can gain some SM bonding and support this weekend.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Me, either.
I mean, my kids just love jumping up and down on my last nerve, but I couldn't not see them every day. The few times DH and I have gone anywhere overnight without them, I just really missed them. I couldn't go a day without seeing or at least speaking to my children. That's why it's never bothered me when BM calls the skids or vice versa during their visits with us. I'm a mom. I can relate to that. But I cannot understand a mother not WANTING to be with her child or children. I don't get that at all.
That statute of limitations is about up, Cru. Ya gonna adopt them?
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
"Stay thirsty, my friends."
~The Most Interesting Man in the World
I have always struggled missing out on half my sons' lives
But their dad and I are equally committed, and deserving of spending time with them. There have been times I wanted to run away with DH, just me and BD 2, so that BM was stuck with the child she created, but it would mean leaving my sons behind since it wouldn't be fair, nor acceptable to my sons, to have to leave their dad for that reason.
So having this BM who spins her version of the truth, as in telling SD that we are the cause of all their problems, that DH is mind controlled by me, that a JUDGE made her not see SD all the time (BM conceded custody before it got to the judge) that she can't see her because she has to work this new job every weekend...
After the OG run in SD and I talked about it. SD said her mom was jealous. I said of me being your dad's wife, or your SM? SD thought a moment and said, "My SM."
I think she's pretty right on that. So BM reacts by, "If you do love your SM then you HATE me." Train of thinking, and bails on her daughter. She self fulfills rejection by shoving people away out of fear of rejection, you know?
I was set to go to SD's next psych appt with DH to discuss SD's options to see a psychiatrist, now I am taking SD and letting her go in by herself to discuss BM's latest offense against her.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
What a
hard, cold, callous, thoughtless b*tch.
How did she think her daughter would feel after she made that announcement and wandered off to bed?!
The only people winning in all of this are the therapists.
Honestly I think she knew SD would be upset...
She just didn't care.
I am a little worried for SD to be home alone all day, since she cut herself in the past at BMs (and told BM it was because SD hated ME. BM LOVED hearing that one and throwing it at DH. His reply was, "That's pretty interesting since SD only cut at YOUR house, and the first parent she trusted telling was SM!"
SD told me she cut because of DH's being too hard on her to get good grades and be perfect. She told DH it was because I wasn't nice to her though. So that one stung. But the psychologist told me cutters don't save it til they have the opportunity like that. Like waiting days til she was at BM's to cut over my being mean to her. Who knows?
Just am not happy that no one will be home with her all day tomorrow.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
That's just it, they don't
really care how they make others feel! My DH's ex was the same way. In/out of skids lives for years. They're all crazy!!!
BM's BPD makes her enjoy abandoning others to a degree
I think. When she left DH (he was already apartment shopping but she didn't know that) she kept trying to say she wanted to come back to see what he would do. She also had conditions of course, the main one being a brand new really big house (for SD, BM and DH? this one is a three bedroom 2200 sq foot that sits on over an acre. What more do you NEED?)
Anyhoo...he said no. He did not fight her leaving at all. I think he was just waiting for her to leave him so it would be an easier accomplishment with her thinking it's her idea.
I half wonder if SD feels the same. She was telling me the week before that she didn't want to go there all her visitation anymore. Then she acted offended when her mom made that happen.
I told DH they both have threatened this to the other so many times, it was self fulfilling that one of them would do it.
Better that it's BM's idea for sure, so she doesn't mock fight for SD again.
Keep your fingers crossed Sia that BM just allowed me to be flipped into idol status again, for always being here for SD.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
You know...
as much as I hate hearing about BMs who emotionally abandon their kids, and are rarely physically present, I'd so much rather them concede that they aren't good for their kids and let the people who can really nurture and care for the kids do it.
My Skids' BM is so damaging to them with her lies and excuses. At 7 and 9 they can see through much of her bullshit and they are hurt by it. So many times I have wished she would just walk away so that at least she would stop doing so much damage. I might be crazy to say this, but i would gladly have the kids at my house 100% if it meant they could live in a healthy, happy, educational environment.
I think BM would be happier too, actually. She didn't want kids in the first place, she doesn't like dealing with them now -i think that is part of what makes her such a b!tch. The way I interact with skids, in a mothering way, is natural to me. She gets so jealous that the kids respond to warmth and time and energy, yet she doesn't give it to them. So she hates me for giving them what she can't give.
the whole situation sucks.
I wish SD would allow herself to process it
But instead she rationalizes it. She said she was going to ask this (and I'm assuming every other weekend to follow) if BM can squeeze in some time when she's off work. Ummm....if she could, wouldn't she have tried to arrange that already?
I told her we will not accept her trying to arrange this every other weekend. She said, "Why? It doesn't have anything to do with you."
I said, "It does. We have a life, we have plans, and we aren't going to change them all the time when she decides she has time for you."
SD said, "Well, she'll probably say she can't anyway. She has a really busy life."
I thought GIVE ME A FLIPPIN' BREAK. She has a self filled busy life that doesn't include taking care of the child who's PD she helped create. You know why? Because they get into BPD arguments all the time with each other, each trying to abandon the other before it happens to them instead. Then they both say all these fake things, til they believe them, like being too busy, or important, or indicating that we are not busy or important and should just arrange our lives around their current status of whether or not they feel like seeing each other.
Feeling rather down today. Thanks for posting on this one, because I have been stifling my emotions as I'm trying to hold onto the amazing experience of the retreat.
I'm afraid reality is setting in rather quickly. And I'm ready to sob at the thought of no more EO weekend breaks with just me, DH and BD 2. Pretty soon BM will stop the W nights, and then I won't have a night for my sons to be here without SD. Then SD will start rubbing into them how this is more her house than theirs, just like she did before.
I'm tired. I want a re-do right now. I want to pick a man who's ex is like I am with mine. I want ....
Peace.
Thanks for listening and allowing me to get this out.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
She has a really busy life
I have started explaining to skids about priorities and how people choose to do what is important to them. Being "busy" is a choice.
All of us know that many times bm chooses haircuts, pedicures, dinner with friends and most of all working long hours rather than a phone call to say goodnight or attending a practice or game.
I think SD knows deep down and is simply
Throwing her anger that should be going toward BM, at us instead. I think the one positive is now that she's here every weekend, DH is having to deal with her almost as much as I am with her. They are like oil and vinegar and have a blowup (SD provoked) every weekend. So...
SD is flipping back to thinking I'm ok, and DH is falling on the "devalued" BPD scale. (SD has a PD and has black and white thinking about relationships- all or nothing, for or against. In BM's case that means SD must overlook ALL of the abandonment of BM in order to still love her.) Anyway, I have been the demonized parent of the three for about a year, and now I am becoming the trusted one again. DH said that was ok with him, that he'd rather be the bad guy. It's easier for me too, except that I know SD having a bad relationship with DH will only mean bad relationships for SD.
It's a no win situation.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
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