Does anyone have difficulty with a stepdaughter that is 40 years old! Here goes ….I married my husband 7 years ago after knowing him for 3 years. I never quite understood why he always referred to her as his ‘goofy daughter'.I must have been a slow learner in the beginning, because I now know. As a lot of you have done I tried to make her a part of the family, doing the same for her that I did for my own kids until after several years I became discouraged with no thank yous, no acknowledgement on special occasions and she only visited when her Dad did something for her at our house.
Puzzle pieces fell together she married, got divorced, does not have custody of her child(probably a good thing). Her Dad paid for her divorce. She divorced because she met someone online and moved away from her child. She lived with the new guy, got into a spat and her Dad moved her back and she lived with him for a year. She got a job and was fired for inappropriate behavior. She reconciled with online guy, went back to him and they got married. The marriage lasted less than a year and her Dad moved her back again. By then we were married (I thought the previous events were just hard luck …dah, (but was starting to catch on) and told my husband as newlyweds it would not be a good idea for SD to move in with us. She moved in with her Mother for a year. She got a job and I thought all was going well. She got her own apartment. She got demoted for inappropriate behavior (swimming in underwear at coporate get together). She then moved from store to store in this job telling her Dad that she was the person that fixed the problems at each. She was reported to the boss by a girlfriend that said, she was coming on to her boyfriend that was an employee with her (she has come on to my husband’s friends and my daughter’s boyfriend). She said, it was just jealously.The company continued to move her until they eventually fired her. She collected as much unemployment as she could, which brings us to now where she has run out of money and has her Dad ‘helping her out again’ (she has a loan cosigned by her step dad that she could use). She is accepted into a college program this summer, a good thing for her, bad for her child (she had thought of moving back where the child lived, she has been away from her child for 7 years and wants the child to call her be by her first name). I fear I know where this is going …support from Dad because Dad ‘can't abandon (Dad’s words) his baby girl (her words) ….……. Etc. etc. etc.
Help! What can I do? Do you see the pattern of manipulation like I do? I am now being accused of ‘not liking her'. I love my husband; he is good to me and meets with his daughter now without me (not my idea). We are both retired and so we are watching our money.
Oh Helllll No!
At 40 years old, she is an adult two times over. She needs to be able to stand on her own two feet. If everyone keeps bailing her out of situations and doing things for her she will continue to feel entitled. DH needs to wake up and realize that he did his job in raising her (albeit seems like she still needs some raising). In any event as adults we must take responsiblity for our own ACTIONS and she probably screws up everything because she knows that DH is going to play teddy bear and allow her to have her way. If you guys allow her to continue to mooch off of you, there will come a day when you will be coming out of retirement, especially with the economy as it is. Tell SD to grow the f*ck up (please excuse my language). I detest children walking around masquerading as adults. Ick.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:
You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.
Unfortunately...
As ridiculous as this behavior is my guess is that after 40 years it's probably not going to change and if he hasn't seen her for what she is he probably won't. You are entirely reasonable in your assessment of the situation and in refusing to have her live with you, hopefully your husband will stick to that agreement. Especially since you are retired you should make sure that any money he decides to give her comes out of his savings after the general household expenses are shared. In your situation I would be very resentful if my hard earned retirement savings was spent to enable such a total lack of responsibility.
I see a common theme
And some disturbing behaviors on the part of a 40 y/o woman that amazes me. Taking off her clothes at a company gathering? Wow - I would associate that with someone who is either really wacked on some sort of drug or has some kind of pretty serious mental illness. Just in this one posting, it seems like all of the examples of her problems stem from a common theme of inappropriate, very public, sexual behavior.
Any chance of talking to your DH about this recurring, unacceptable behavior and presenting it in that light? Even writing it all down and saying look at the pattern. The woman needs professional help, not enabling help. Plus, the idea of having her son call her by her first name leads me to believe she doesn't know where the boundaries should be with him either.
I think you are right on. You need to protect yourself and your retirement. Maybe a discussion about a pattern of self destructive behaviors that are now starting to impact his grandson, instead of one about manipulative behaviors might help.
I think this is a window
Into EVERY SM's future who have skids now!! I believe 99% of all these "goofy" skids will be acting this way well past their thirties, not having had any one teach them responsibility for their actions.
Being the product of "guilt parents" neither bio can say "no" to their precious little angels and they grow up to be BIG STUPID LAZY DEPENDENT SELFISH GOOFS!!
Fasten your seatbelts all you SMs with skids that are being coddled to no end!
crayon
crayon, I agree. Those of us that have adult SC live in a world that no one can comprehend unless they have been there. Sometimes even now I think about the good old days, who was driving who to what game. In our case all 4 of my steps are grown now. It was almost bearable when it was 4 of them and then those 4 went out and found 4 more people just like them selves. Recently I have dealt with those adults lying and stealing from me and still yet I know that they will never be banned from our house. Fortunately for all the people involved they have never laid hands on me.
I totally agree with you! I
I totally agree with you! I have five SD's and one of them is 22 and very,very, very lazy. Still in College and just now got a Summer job at a library so she can sit on her butt and get paid for it, then pay her 12 yr old sister to do her laundry, etc. for her. Most of my skids are lazy and coddled, especially SD8. I don't allow laziness in our home! No way!
Love the quote!
I really liked what Principalist said:
"I detest children walking around masquerading as adults."
So true! But adult stepbrats can't masquerade on their own--oh no--they have to be supremely enabled in order to enjoy the option of not taking responsibility for themselves like the rest of us have to.
Juliann, I recommend that you and your DH seek counseling immediately. One thing we've learned from these forums is that our DHs listen much better to counselors than they do to us. Find a male counselor who is accustomed to dealing with step families and/or families with troubled children.
Too many families have lost their life savings to adult children who take, take, take. Guilt won't pay the bills. Please don't get entangled in money matters with your DH or his daughter. You'll only lose.
Thanks
I'm so glad I found this site. It's helped!
Your post is scary...
Because that could be me in another 15 years. I agree with the earlier comment to seek counseling. My DH wouldn't listen to me but he does listen to the counselor. Does enabling or codependent mean anything to him?? Since you're both retired and watching your money the sooner that this is addressed the better. Wow does this bad behavior ever end?
Glynne
Control
Glynne--
The bad behavior might not end, but parents being victimized by it certainly can!
All it takes is the word "NO."
Contro!
Great comment .....parents do not have to be victimized ....although they NEED to learn how to say 'no ....better yet the step child needs to learn how to say'no ....my daughter does when I offer help ...but, the she's an adult with self pride!!!!
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