I realize right now is a trying time for him, with trying to deal with BM and SD15 who is rejecting him. But please, grow some balls! Ugh. We went a proposal to BM a week ago last Friday offering her some money and giving husband every other weekend visitation with SD. In her passive-aggressive way, BM has kept SD from husband pretty much all summer. He was supposed to have her every other weekend plus a week each month but so far has only had her for three weekends. So, in the proposal he mentioned that BM is playing games (agreeing, in front of her and our lawyer, to let husband have SD a week in July, then enrolling her in a volleyball camp that week). So husband had to go along with it or be the bad guy, which of course he went along and even sent money to help cover it.
Well, finally, this last Friday, a week after we sent the proposal, SD15 calls husband and spends 30 minutes bitching at him. Tells him he's lying about her mom (he's not) and that she doesn't want to come to see him AT ALL. In other words, she doesn't want him to have any visitation. First of all, why is her mom letting her read the proposal? It's between the parents and frankly is none of the child's business. Second, if she's just going to be nasty and bitchy he shouldn't talk to her. He let her stay with her mom and sent her money, and she's going to call and be mean to him?
I finally broke down and told him that if SD didn't want anything to do with him, tell her to stop calling him for money. He just said, "Yeah right." So I told him she only calls when she wants something. Like the last time she called for money. As soon as he agreed, she had to go. Then she didn't call him again until she wanted something else. It made him mad that I said that.
When will he see the light? Or has he already seen it and not liked it and so is mad at me and the world? I want him to stop having his identity so wrapped up in being the father of this child that he's allowing her to make him miserable. Is that too much to ask?
Oh, he's seen the light alright
but he can't deal with it. That's my guess.
My DH admitted to me that pretty much everything I tell him ends up being true. I call it like I see it and he knows it. I won't even open up my mouth if I don't have my facts. My response to my DH has been: If you know it's going to end up being true or this way, why don't you do what you know you should do up front?
These freaking men are in denial. That's even more of a reason for you to come to camp this weekend!
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
I guess I just don't understand
The head in the sand mentality. He knows what she's like, but he still wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. OK, fine, but quit putting the rest of us through this crap. You know, since SD went to her BMs in June my two BDs (her half-sisters) have not asked about her once. But when they found out my niece was moving an hour away BD5 started crying. They just have not bonded with SD15, who treats them barely better than she treats me. Why doesn't he want better for the rest of his family?
Wish I could go to the retreat! But we are going to be on vacation in Texas (first vacation in four years and I don't think SD15 is going. Yay!)
Hi Elizabeth
Congrats on your vacation! Have a wonderful time!
Your situation is so much like mine--the adult skids would only call DH when they wanted money. We called it the "ask." I started keeping track of the calls and the "asks." DH knew what was happening, but deep down he feared if he didn't give in to their demands for money, he'd never hear from them again (not such a bad thing at all, but I didn't say that to DH).
So, reluctantly, DH had to close his wallet at my insistence, because we couldn't fund all the "asks" and pay our bills too. DH told his adult kids that it would be great if they just called to say hello and have a conversation. The phone stopped ringing--for a while.
So now it goes like this: They call to say hi and be nice, and then they call again. The third call now contains the "ask." He still says no. But they keep on trying.
Your DH has a great opportunity now to teach the SD15 how he wants to be treated, and how she should treat others. Let her stew. Turn off the free money! Don't call her--let her call DH. Right now he is teaching her that she can treat him like $hit and still get goodies. So why change?
Is this really the relationship DH wants with his daughter? Eventually SD15 will treat her boyfriends and bosses exactly the same way, and she'll lead a very unfulfilled and lonely life. That is, unless DH toughens up and plays hardball with SD15 starting TODAY.
You can change the rules of engagement! Please, please do something--ANYTHING--so you and your DH don't end up with the disgusting, narcissitic adults that my DH has to contend with for the rest of his life.
Thanks
I have read your posts and dread having something like you have gone through happen to me. I just wish I knew what I could do to get him to change his attitude and the way he deals the situation. He was snapping at me this morning and I was snapping back, over the stupidest things. I know he's all wrapped up in SD's rejection of him, but the rest of the family still needs him to be available. And not so damn touchy!
Now I'm worried we won't even be able to enjoy the vacation because he'll be moping all the time about SD not being there.
From another post
Elizabeth- I went to this site and printed this out for my own DH to read tonight. It sounds like your DH is parenting out of guilt as well. Maybe he can benefit from reading it as well. If you haven't checked it out yet, maybe you should...
An absolutely great link on guilt parenting that I just read! It will help all steps!!!!
Credit goes to 'crayon'
http://www.geocities.com/stepfamilyhelppagenewsletter//guiltparenting.ht...
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I could have written...
...exactly what you wrote above. That was my life! For a few months DH was "mourning" his stupid adult kids and I was dumbfounded. Why would you mourn people who treat you like dogcrap, call you names and drain your accounts?
Looking back, I think DH was getting his mind around the fact that the reality of his adult kids didn't match the fantasy that he had been trying to maintain for so long. He drew a line in the sand for the first time ever and feared the result. Dh needed some time to adjust.
We, too, went on vacation and he was mopey. I thought 'what the hell' and BD12 and I went about like everything was normal and we were all having fun. After a day or so, DH snapped out of it and had fun too. Later, DH would remark that this was the "best vacation ever." Yeah--he wasn't being constantly manipulated, belittled, and disrespected.
Elizabeth, I think (and hope!) you'll find that your DH will get over it once he experiences how good a vacation--and his home--can be. So enjoy your hard-earned vacation regardless of DH's moping about the past that never was.
*hugs to you!*
Thanks for your support
I was really struck by your last comment, "DH moping about the past that never was." That is so true. He wants to look back and think things were all rosy and perfect, but they never were. He and I met when SD was 5. We got along well right up until he told her we were getting married, and then it was on (in her mind). So for the past seven years it has pretty much been hell (to put it mildly).
He has told me "She's not the child I thought I would have." And he doesn't mean that she's better. In his mind she was born a fully formed personality and he had no control over it. So he never tried to mold her behavior or attitude. He learned his lesson I think because he tries harder with our two BDs.
I guess I will just have to put up with the cranky, mopey behavior. Just don't know how long I can last!
i think FH is feeling that
his BD 15 was his little princess, she LOVED her DADDY and just now stopped calling him that ..well unless she wants something, now she has friends who drive and meeting boys, now DADDY is second and although I feel sorry for him, I think he knows she is not the little girl he remembers or had hoped she would be.
he is realizing he has put off his life in vain.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
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