Step Talk

I think many divorced parents do this for their kids. Remember, it would be for the kid, not for the ex.

Perhaps, if it bothers you and DH a lot, you could arrnage to have a professional trustee be in charge of the trust?

My dh has a portion of his life insurance from work going to the skids, and the other portion to me.

When we realized how little there would be for me, (have to extinguish the debts and what have you) we purchased a seperate policy which the money is going ONLY to me. I am listed as the sole beneficiary. I suggest that you and your dh get you a seperate policy from the skids.

Is that part of the parenting plan, that he must put in a portion of life insurance? I am not against having part of his money to the skids but I would think that it is something we would decide and not the BM control over that. Why wouldn't each parent set up their own trusts?

Our Bm is a tricky you know what and made sure she got the maximum of everything the court would allow. This included a 600k life insurance policy for SS BUT she made sure the court agreement states she is to be the beneficiary! I'm not sure if the original divorce agreement did not state this if she can just add it on now but she might.

No the orginal decree didn't say anything in it about life insurance. Now she wants to put it in. It just makes me feel like such an outsider once again. Here I am married to the man and I don't even get a say where his life insurance goes, worse yet it goes to his ex wife. Feels like we aren't even married.

It goes to the child. A parent's obligation to his or her children doesn't end when he or she gets remarried. My husband has two policies, one for me to raise our children and one for BM to raise their children. If something happened to him, BM and I would both be up a creek without it. You can't pay child support if you're dead and the life insurance policies are there to replace the income we would lose if anything happened to him. It's called BEING A RESPONSIBLE PARENT. It doesn't make you any less married. You don't have any say how much CS he has to pay, so why is this any different? Just think of it as part of the CS.

You have every right to be annoyed. It feels horrible when a third party gets in you and your DH's private couple business. But you can do something;

Set up a seperate policy altogether with the trust as the beneficiary. Try to make sure there is a professional trustee to oversee the way the money is used.

This way, DH's existing policy remains yours alone and no one can touch it but you. And you can feel good that you have made provisions for SD's care.

In terms of not wanting BM's name on anything, This is where you may need to compromise. Trust me, the LAST thing you need if something happened to DH, is a continual sh*t fight with BM about trust money.

Set up a seperate policy, chuck on a professional trustee to keep BM honest, and then WALK AWAY.

My DH and I have discussed similar issues. Luckily my DH understands how money hungry BM is and that she would take advantage of even her own child. Can you set it up to where the child wouldn't have access to the money until 18 or 25 or so and even then only a certain dollar amount per year? I would also have only the DH's name on the account for his life insurance and then designate a trusted adult to have access to a certain amount for the child's benefit per year until 18 yrs old.

Yes...this is what I'm doing. A trusted adult, my friend of 25 years who handles wills and estate planning for a large bank will be in charge of my child's money.

We struggled with this topic ourselves. What we ended up doing is making each other the sole beneficiary to our individual estates. In the event of our joint demise (doing something incredibly fun I hope) everything goes in to trust for our son (my SS) executed by my family until SS either graduates from an accredited College/University with a Masters degree or age 40 whichever comes first.

The intent was to ensure that ZERO dollars of our estate can either directly or indirectly benefit SpermDad and the rest of the SPermFamily. Once he has done what his Mom and I wish him to do educationally then he can have everything with no strings attached. Kind of our way of influencing how he turns out from beyond the grave if neccessary.

He is currently in boarding school so in the event of our untimely demise the trust will cover his school costs, personal needs, clothes, car etc...... Our directions are that the trust is not to take any action that will result in the Sperms materially benefiting from the resources we accumulated and provided for our son. Since the current Custody/Visitation/Support judgment would be void upon our demise we have left extensive instructions on what should and should not be covered. The trust will not pay any travel costs in either direction for visits to the SpermFamily. Once we are gone the losers can cover all of the travel costs associated with SS visiting them. The trust will pay for any travel related expenses to school or to either my wife's family or my family.

Yep, very vindictive but our intent is that our son will continue to have lessons on the results of good decisions compared to stupid decisions.

Best regards,

Because the SD is special needs, things have to handled differently from as "typical" child's trust. But nevertheless, I would suggest to your DH that if he wanted to set up a trust for his daughter, he do it totally independently of his ex (especially if he doesn't trust her to manage the trust for his daughter's well-being if his ex were to out-live him).

My son is also special needs (Down Syndrome). We have two special need's trusts set up for him. My parents have one set up for him with me as the primary trustee and my sister as the secondary trustee. The trust I have set up has myself set up as the primary trustee and his brother as the secondary trustee.

This way, his birth father (whom I don't trust AT ALL not to blow his money on gambling and ridiculous, impulsive spending sprees) won't ever get his hands on a DIME of my son's money that I've set aside for him.

The point is, your DH does NOT have to have his ex involved in this process at all. He can have his close relatives be involved as designated trustees instead. His ex can still set up her own trust for her daughter if she so chooses, but I would definitely suggest that they are kept separate!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis