Step Talk

Many times I have posted the following:
When a counselor tells your spouse that the ex or stepkid is being unreasonable, they totally get it.
When you say it, they don't get it.
Nellie

from how you describe things and how you feel about them, you may want to cut your losses now.

i would say try and fight for as long as you can only you know how much you can take. when i first split with him i wanted nothing more than to be in the relatonship and be un happy rather than be feeling all the pain i was. i was ready to settle for unhappyness for the rest of my life jsut to get out of putting up with the pain, but now i stuck it out and im so happy its untrue but i would say if its goign to be the end make sure it is the end before so you dont have to do the pain twice

Hi Ema, sorry that you are going through this mess.
I was there. I stuck it out and there are still issues with the skids but not with the EW. (not so much as in the beginning)
Me and DH have been married 4 years . My DH and his EW were married 10 years, and she cheated on him several times.
Our first year of marriage was total hell! She kept calling and calling... and was at our house just about daily. She insisted on
sd (at that time she was 7) getting dropped off at our house in the am to catch the bus for school and then coming back to our house from the bus in which BM would pick her up that evening....
she used those as opportunities to speak to DH.
She would call at Bday, holidays and talk about watching videos of the "family" and she missed DH ... yadda yadda....
We were at the point of divorce before the first year was up.
She spoke negatively of me and DH and all three skids were afraid
to be nice to me. I was so fed up I told him if he wanted to go back
to EW to do it and not string me along. Ew made him feel guilty but she is the one who couldn't stay faithful.
We went to counseling. We had to prioritize our marriage.
That was when we started date nights...Our marriage is strong now.
The only issues we have with EW is regarding money and Skids.
You said FH cried at counseling, Im not sure if that was because he knows he was wrong or out of confusion.
I say if you truly love FH and he is willing to commit then by all means stick it out. Ya'll have to communicate, one thing that worked with us is if we had an issue we would hold hands so things won't get blown out of porportion. Sounds stupid but it works.
Your FH has to know he wants to be with you and let go of his EW.
What also worked with us is when EW would call DH would only put it on speakerphone, and tell EW we were both on speakerphone... so EW knew not to be stupid.
EW was also told we would no longer serve as her daycare for SD.
We could take SD on weekdays if getting her to and from school was an issue but EW had to find ways to do it on her own if she wanted to keep SD. So EW finally got the hint that DH wasn't going to be guilted out and that DH planned on standing by me.

Hope this helps....

She is not his ex-wife. They broke up when she was pregnant with SD over 16 years ago! She has manipulated him for years -he had to move 3 states just to get away from her. We have a wonderful relationship we don't even fight about anything ever - except when I busted him paying for a cell phone for BM and that she was crazy and calling him 50 times a mth. Granted 75% of the time he would never pick up but this woman is relentless. My problem is the BM should have moved on a long time ago and she hasn't. She has never even had another b/f. How wierd is that. Oh My FH "got it" at counseling all right he wasn't confused - he just feels lower than dog turd right now because he is embarrased. The therapist told him that he should not talk to BM period unless there is an emergency or a specific financial reason regarding the kids school - otherwise do not talk to her. The thing is he can't stand this woman but "tolerates" her behaviour for the sake of their daughter. Well the kid is almost 16 so she is old enough to talk to daddy without mommy doing it for him. It just makes me want to puke! Thanks!

to honestly work on it and you love him and he loves you then I think that you should stick with therapy for a bit and see how it goes, I almost gave up several times in the last 5 yrs, but I love my FH and he wants to be with me forever so he is willing to listen and make changes(sometimes more than others) it is NOT easy nor do I think it gets easier it is just how you deal with it that changes.
good luck!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

Ah... gotcha...

Well sounds like its worth sticking it out for... (in my opinion)
If his kid is 16, it gets easier to only speak to child and not BM.
With my SD18 and SS19 its rare to deal with BM.
And yeah same thing happened with my DH, he doesn't get it when I explain it to him.... but he is getting better about it

Well think about it like this... it took that long for his EW to screw him up and take him down.... it might take just as long to build him back up again...

My FH stated in our session last night that I mean everything to him and that he is committed to therapy to make our relationship work. He seemed very sincere about taking full responsiblity for things going bad in our relationship and he stated he knew that HE needed to work on this. He admitted that he was wrong about his actions with the phone and letting BM wear him down and apologized to me profusely and was in tears. This was a HUGE step for my FH because he would just fight with me constantly that I was being RIDICULOUS and it wasn't a big deal and he would try to justify it because he hates to be wrong. He was in a lot of pain in that session last night and I could just see it in his face and all I could do was just look at him because all I could think was karma is a bitch isn't it. This is what you have done to me - have a breakdown and make me think I'm crazy and have caused me so much anxiety and sleepless nights and stomach aches and now because you say you "get it" I should just be ok with it. I told the therapist it is going take ME awhile to forgive him and learn how to trust that I have been burned too many times on this and he can say this now but until he actually DOES what he says he is going to do then I can go back to the safe and comfortable world that was my relationship until BM left it in ruins. Oh and here is the really fun part we have 2 "exercises" for homework this week 1) Make a list of five things that we would like to do with one another (i.e., go to a movie, go talk the dogs for a walk, etc.)and do them, which is no big deal because we do this stuff anyway and we always talk and laugh and have a great time but then there is #2) FH has to talk to me about the way BM has treated him since the beginning of our relationship - things that he has not told me about and I am supposed to sit there and listen and if HE asks me a question I can answer him BUT if he doesn't I just have to say "ok" or "thank you for telling me". I'm sure that is going to be a lot of fun because now I have to keep my mouth shut so dumb ass can finally fill me in on ALL the crap BM has been pulling all this time we have been together. Therapist said he has to do this 2 times before we see her again next week. The thing is #@$%#$@ that! I really don't even want to hear about the #$%@# BM !#$%@#$% I just want him to set up boundaries and stick to em and listen to the counselor - don't talk to BM unless it is an EMERGENCY for SD OR a financial reason (which I find stupid because she gets her child support like clockwork, he pays SD's private school directly, sports, etc.). FH was like well SD does forget to tell me about things so her mother has to call me. I don't think so. She can tell SD did you remember such and such if she says no then BM can say well go call your dad then - there is NO reason to me for them to talk. Uggh I think I want to puke again!!!! I had a six pack of bud light last night with lime while he went to a going away party last night (we were both invited to) I wanted to just be by myself after all that EMOTION. Then he got up and went to work this am and we were pleasant but that was it. He looked really sheepish this morning cuz he is very very private about his life and I'm the only one he ever real tells anything - he keeps everything inside all the time - never talks to his friends just casual stuff always acts like everything is just great ya know - and now all his dirty laundry just got thrown out in front of this stranger and I think he is completely mortified.

Your DH also needs to work on healing you too.
I understand how you feel, when I was married to my ex, he was so verbally abusive and mean, then he thought since he was sorry and that he was able to get all that off his chest that I should be ok with it. well of 18 yrs of pain, I said enuf then he was all like "hey maybe we should see a therapist" yeah WTF where were you when I told you I was suicidal and you told me to just get over it??
for me there was nothing that man could do to heal me.
but he was an ass, I just wanted to say I feel ya.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

that is too funny, it was when it was too late that he wanted to make it better, but I tell you he NEVER changed-
he is still an ass and I am so much better for it, even with the step issues
big hugs to you
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

same to you!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

I have stuck it out for 11 years, in the first five years it seemed to be all about redefining everyones roles and BM trying to push into her old role as often as possible, it did get better but I can't say if it was one thing or a cumulative effect of most of us maturing,developing better communication, and just becoming somewhat "used" to BMs bs.
I may complain about DH but I have never loved anyone enough to go through all this before and after it all there will be nothing that we can't face.
your FH is trying, and admitting that he was wrong thats an awesome thing for the relationship, as for the therapist saying the same thing- we have SD in therapy to learn coping skills and deal with everything she's been through- we did a few family sessions and I was almost ashamed to be paying for her to tell SD everthing almost to the word that I had been saying but they think it's easier when it's an unbiased opinion where ours they view as skewed by our emotions-
It does get better but only you can say if it's going to work for you-

There is no reason where logic does not exist

It took her 16 years to break him down to this point. So it will take some part of that time for him to recover from it.

I know you have been manipulated and blown off and that is not right. But I think now that you have gotten him to admit this (even thru a third party), things will get better faster now. Give him some time if you can is my vote. It sounds like he loves you and does want to do right by you, now that you have called 'bs' on the bs.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

Sorry if this is a repeat to the other comments, I have to get to work in a few minutes.

I seriously think it is a man thing! I don't mean it to do on men or anything, but my father was this way, my ex-husband was this way, and now my future husband is this way! Oh and I hear the same stuff from all the other females in my family except one incredibly lucky cousin. She got the only man who makes sense!

Anyway, I love my husband to death, and before we said "I do". He listened to me and seemed to value my opinion. Now that we're married it is as if anything I say is jibberish. I was ready to throw things myself this week. My skids are in a bad situation with their BM. Since she hasn't killed them, CPS doesn't feel that she's an unfit mother. So I've been gathering information on her, taking notes on everything that happens, printing out anything I find on her over the internet, etc. etc. He actually YELLS at me and calls me a fanatic. He said that I had lost touch with reality. I was totally dumbfounded. I'm a social worker for heaven sakes! I know the crap you have to go through to get children in a safe place. Our laws totally let children down. I explained that we have to start documenting now because when she does finally go out of control or the skids are old enough to choose to live here, I'll have documented proof on WHY she's not stable and we'll have a much better chance of having a judge see our side. It turned into an all out one hour yelling and screaming match.

Long story short...he talked SS's counselor the following morning to see what else we could find out in regards to this whole mess. (SS said that BM is back to using drugs and alcohol.) Guess what...the counselor told him to start doing EXACTLY what I was doing. Suddenly we had a lot to be worried about, and before the day was over, the oldest one was coming to stay with us for a week. I was happy that DH finally got a clue, but it took everything in me not to point out that I had been preaching the same thing for weeks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Oldest SS wanted to come and spend a few weeks with us just to have a break from all the stress. BM puts him down a lot and while I've never hit anyone and I'm far from a violent person, I'd take delight in throwing her up against a wall and telling her how she brings disgrace to the name "mother". The way she talks to this young man is horrible! He has no self esteem; she dresses him in women's clothes that are too big for him. I mean she's a real trip! Oh and he doesn't want to wear those clothes. I sent a STACK of shirts home with him...she won't let him wear them. She's a real freak of nature!)