I would LOVE to tell SD about this site,

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I would LOVE to tell SD about this site,

Submitted by hangingin on Thu, 07/31/2008 - 3:43pm.

but since I was here first (and do not want to know about the gripe fests I have)I will ask for your advice in her behalf (and take the credit for your wisdom Smiling ) As I had probably already stated to the group here before, you reap what you sow, having said that, I would like to help my SD because I do see how she is suffering (she's only 22)if you read my posts you will know she has a almost 2 year old son that her BM talked her out of marrying his dad.(now it might have been a good thing)SD has left her EX a few months ago because in her words "I had to because **** when I was getting ready for work and asked him to help with the baby he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me into the wall, all the while poor baby screaming his head off" Now, I have ALWAYS taken what she says with a grain of salt because she has taken up the habit (in the past) of twisting the truth to suit her own purposes (wonder where she got that from? hmmmm) anyway, as me, personally can not abide any kind of physical abuse or verbal for that matter, I told her she did NOT NEED THAT nor did our grandson (my s-grandson)without even taking to her ex, we just feel it would be best to stay out of it as much as possible. AND, to her credit, she immediately found a job, saving money to get an apartment. The only 2 things I DON'T like is;
1. She is living with BM in the meantime (free babysitter)
2. She seems to have this NEED to have a boyfriend, even though I KNOW she dosen't particularly care for her current BF. It's like she CANNOT stand to be in her OWN COMPANY (I had noticed this particular trait as far back as 10 years ago, same as BM).

Recently she asked to borrow our truck to meet her EX (they agreed to meet half way) as he had their son's bedroom funiture that she was getting back. She came VERY upset and told me that he "had a girl with him" and that he told her that this girl "took better care of son than she ever did" I told her that he was just being petty and mean, just ignore it.I could tell she still loves this guy.
Now, as a parent, and a step parent what would you do to help ease the pain you know she is feeling? I have seen some MAJOR GROWING UP IN THIS GIRL IN THE PAST 6 MONTHS.I really do hate to see her hurting, my son, her half-brother has told me that when he went to stay with them last year the EX was sooo mean to his sister it made him really mad, he asked me what to do. I just told him that if his sister loves this guy, then there is nothing we CAN do, it would be like talking to a brick wall. The person HAS to WANT TO MAKE THE CHANGE. I do know it is very hard for my HD to stay out of it, but he says he has too. A true sign of a mature loving man.
But, again! Is there any advice that I could give her to maybe help her avoid some of the pain that I know she will experience?
ANY advice would be helpful!
hangingin

hangingin's blog

Tough for me on many levels

Submitted by Sita Tara on Thu, 07/31/2008 - 3:52pm.

She's so young. And no amount of domestic abuse is acceptable. But she does have to want to change the pattern or it won't happen.

It does trouble me that she can't be alone. I was that way once upon a time. Luckily, the guy I married wasn't abusive (just hyper critical and condescending- learned that was "normal" from my watching my passive agressive parents!)

He was also the first serious relationship I had AFTER a 2 year long abusive one. I think I married the first really nice guy I met. Nice being a bar set extremely low, as in "he has a job, isn't addicted to drugs and alcohol, won't hit me, cheat on me, and/or leave me." Honestly though I divorced him to find myself and happiness alone in 1999, ExH was the best thing to ever happen to me. His protection let me grow up and feel secure. Unfortunately for him, I grew up past our relationship. But I am thankful that he helped me break the cycle of abuse I had slipped into.

So... your SD is at a critical point. If she is with someone who is nice to her, even if it's just because she doesn't want to be alone, and it keeps her from slipping back to an abuser...well ok.

If she's not though, and I misread this, then you must try to be that stable force for her and lift her up. Not on your own though...she needs a good domestic abuse counselor.

Goodluck.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

Hangingin

Submitted by storm on Fri, 08/01/2008 - 3:17pm.

I'm sorry I don't know a lot of SD's history, but offer you this:

When I was younger (14-20) I went through so many bad relationships (all bad really). Both mental and physical abuse. Even sometimes to this day I catch myself thinking that somehow I deserved it. I know that's not true, but especially in the mist of it all, I kept trying to rationalize the way I was being treated. Maybe even started to believe that was the best there was for me. And then I started to attract those people. I don't think I've ever had a problem being alone. For me (probably because of my childhood, blah, blah, blah) it was important for me to have a man that paid attention to me. No matter what kind of attention that was. It's not healthy, and it can become a pattern. You fight, you leave, you feel guilt (or get jealous that someone else has the idiot), you return. Because you love them.?.

I had my son at 22 with a man that was better than all the others, but by that time, I was damaged. After a few months of having that baby home with me I ended that relationship for good as well. I spent a lot of time after that getting myself together. Found a little respect for myself. You already know ultimately SD has to find that in herself.

My BM hoped for the best. My SM did nothing. I think the best thing you could do to help SD would be to suggest some professional help. This has to be a difficult time with the 2 year old and the drama with the BF. Maybe if you didn't let on that you were concerned about the abuse or the way BF treats her, but rather just as a way for her to have someone to confied in and work out all that's going on in her life right now.

I went on without it (no one would have been able to get me there anyway), and my parents would tell you I turned out alright. Certainly better than expected. I think it may have taken me longer to get there, and it's left a scar for sure. But, if you could look at me here today typing these words to you, you'd never guess my story. I have a wonderful 15 year old son, who I think made it all possible, and I value the relationships I have. It all made me a very stong person and I couldn't be where I am today without my story.

Maybe you can, maybe you can't do something to alter SD's but she'll have her story too. I hope it all works out for the best.

Now, of course, everything I've said goes out the window if for any reason you believe the 2 year old to be in any harm.

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
Dorothy Parker, 'But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929
US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)

Thank ya'll for your insight and caring words,

Submitted by hangingin on Fri, 08/01/2008 - 6:44pm.

and you are right, I myself would not be the person I am today (and stronger for it) without all of the road blocks in my path (some I put there myself)I think I might just let SD know that I'm here for her if she ever wants to talk, like my Mother did for me.... My Mother had a rougher road than I ever could imagine,and, as any human, some of her own making. BUT, she never tried to tell me what to do... she only listened, and only GAVE advice if I asked it of her. Looking backnow, I KNOW she was hurting for me as much as I was hurting for myself, and it had to have been EXTREMELY HARD for her NOT to jump into my life and let her protective Motherly role rule her. She is, was, and will forever more, be the person I consider my SILENT HERO!!!!

The HARDEST part of being a parent is to "let go" and watch those chicks, stumble, trip, and sometimes fall, but it IS our JOB!

(it just so happens that SD and grandson are spending the night tonight Smiling )

hangingin